Uneven Marriage. me fight the resentment before it becomes unsalvageable

[Fight0rFlight]

Aloha everyone,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I need your help.

I will do my best to make a long story short.

 

I've been with my lovely wife for 5 years now, and we have a beautiful healthy 1 1/2 year old.

Having both had unfaithful ex-partners, we both stayed single for a while before we met. When we did, we knew we were made for each other.

Communication was excellent (we talked about everything, good or bad), best sex in my life, beautiful woman, we did mostly everything together (from climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, to public sex on the side of a cliff, to weekly cinemas, to fine dining, to obstacle races....list goes on and on), and we just had lots of fun together.

Most importantly, it was her values that made this woman a jackpot. Her goals in life were to be happy and in a loving marriage.

About a month into the relationship, she made it clear, told me that if I did not propose by the end of the year, she would leave me as she is looking to settle down. A year later, I proposed.

 

Now, one of the defining aspects of wanting to get married, was I wanted a "traditional" wife (basically, one bread-winner, one home care-taker). Something she completely agreed with!

I grew up in such a household, and that was therefore accustomed to it. Parents still married after 35+ years...

I earn a good salary, so after I proposed, we decided she would stop working (it was a **** job anyways) and she wanted to take care of me.

I came home for work, and I got a head massage and dinner on the table, every single night. We f*! like animals, travelled, life was bliss.

 

About a year later (now 2), in the relationship, we got married, and the she became pregnant. That's when things started to slowly deteriorate. Stress levels went up, sex went from 5-6 times per week, to maybe 1 time per week, and then nothing for a few months. Loans to cover studies/2 cars/5* holidays/baby started to pile on..

But, like any marriage, got to weather the storm...and so we did.

 

Fast forward to where we are now, I love our kid, I love her, and I love the life we've built for each other.

But here's the problem: I feel like she is not honouring her part of the deal.

 

I go to work, a hard but rewarding job, and no matter what, I make sure everything is provided for. I cover every single expense, from trivial things like her nails to the kid's medical insurance, food, bills. mother-in-law's holidays..you name it. For her pregnancy, I took her to the best hospital, the best OBGYN in the city... she simply deserved the best.

I have very little savings, sold the Mustang and 4x4 to get a family car, have said goodbyes to most of my party days, and just make sure that our home is a family home. Once a year, I indugle in a tech gadget (camera, ps4 whatever...), and every 3-4 months, I go out to get pissed with the lads.

As I wanted her to be a mother first, I have hired house help to come 3x times per week to do all the house chores, so she has ample free time with the kid. Somehow though, it's not enough...

 

The part I don't enjoy writing: she has really let go of herself physically. I didn't say a word during the entire pregnancy (i don't have a death wish!), gave it a year, but now it's too much. I want my hot wife back, if this is how she let herself go now, imagine in 20 years.

I tell her, but i'm an ******* for doing so.... result, I ain't turned on as much, we have sex once every 2 weeks now, and I now enjoy porn for the quick fix.

Regular home-cooked meals, massages.....thing of the past. She's a good mom, but even there, I feel like she could do better. (bought her the top 10 books on raising kids, think she has read even one?)

 

Now, before I get called misogynistic prick etc... here's the thing:

My mom raised 3 kids, in a house twice the size, and somehow managed to have food on the table every night. She's a freaking machine, my hero.

She busted her ass, just like my Dad did.

 

In comparison, my wife simply isn't doing enough, or even half of what I'm expecting her to. They certainly don't make them like they use to! Just look at the divorce rates....

She now the audacity to tell me, I ain't spending enough time with my kid when I think that I do everything I can. She claims she is too. (see the vicious circle setting in..)

 

Resentment is building, more and more every day, and the drop that's about to tip the vase? Back from work late, on the PC (as I'm studying on the side as well), come to give her a kiss, sees she's chatting away on FB.

I ask who she's talking to (luckily glancing at the name), and she tells it's once of her girlfriends, but that was a guy's name on there.

I ignore it...return to my pc, can't concentrate...and then flip out.

She cries, tells me she was just scared of my reaction at the time, that it's just an old friend (gay) and they bumped into each other at the mall the day before.

I'm not the jealous type, don't care who he is (gay or not), just hate that she lied. On the other hand, I can't say **** because I did install Tinder when it first started (just wanted to see how many hotties I could pull, silly drunken games with mates) and she was pissed off, but I was straight up with her. Never was a cheat, never will be.

 

Anyhow, I didn't want to hear it, now we haven't talked for 4 days... but part of me is like.. pack her ****, tell her to GTFO..and enjoy my amazing son when I can, and stop paying out my a$$ for someone who doesn't seem to want to put in as much effort.

Other part tells me, maybe she isn't fit for the traditional wife job, needs to return to work as it was great then. But then i'm pissed off that my kid is going to be raised by a nanny most of the time...

Then, out of the blue, things are amazing for like 2 days before going back to this ****ty routine. It's those moments that are keeping me in the fight.

I'm starting hate her and myself for allowing me to be in this situation... i know i sound bitter, immature at times, but i'm f'ing done with Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm 32, and need to figure out a solution or pull the plug.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Fight0rFlight

[BikerAccnt]

.. i know i sound bitter, immature at times, but i'm f'ing done with Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm 32, and need to figure out a solution or pull the plug.

 

Hate to be harsh but, doesn't sound like you ever were Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Controlling guy maybe but...

 

 

Let me ask you this, has you wife ever expressed any unhappiness at being the stay at home mom? Has she ever expressed interest in going back to work? I know you say she was on board with the "traditional" marriage at the start. But sometimes people find out what they think they want, and what they really want is different.

 

Would it be so bad if she went back to work once your child got a bit older, especially if that might help salvage things.

 

Oh and stop comparing her to your mom. That's about as unfair as comparing her to an EX. Everyone is their own person, and we all tend to idealize our mom's as it is.

[GorillaTheater]

On the other hand, I can't say **** because I did install Tinder when it first started (just wanted to see how many hotties I could pull

 

 

I was thinking along the same lines as Biker, and you really lost me with this one.

 

 

It sounds like the problems here are a two-way street, and that's being charitable to you. This might be a good case for marital counseling. Both of you have issues, and that may well at least improve the lines of communication. I'd go that route before pulling the plug, but get ready to hear some hard truths.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry I don't have the concentration to deal with the obvious things (& great advise) that have been covered above.

 

Let me just run through a few things as a Mum.....

 

* Are you the youngest of your siblings? I just remember my Dad & his younger brother saying how amazing their Mum was....spotless house, worked 3 jobs, etc etc everything perfect & their oldest sister laughed her socks off!!

 

* My Mum nagged me when my first was little. Most of it boiled down-to "mothers these days do far too much & make life impossible!". Everything spotless, too many clothes, toys etc to pick-up & clean. Play dates, stimulating outings, library time, Gymboree time, sign language (ok I might be a nutter on the last one!)

 

* I put on & carried an extra 100lbs after my first baby. Walked out of the hospital in size 2 jeans 4 years later after my 2nd. The female body & pregnancy (& fancy (eating for 2) restaurants) give strange results!

 

* HONESTLY how many couples with a new baby breast feeding have sex everyday? Those who put on tons of weight? SAHM's?

 

* I DID read all the books (something else my Mum disapproved of) & drove myself crazy!!

 

If your life doesn't get turned upside-down when you add a baby you're a strange couple!

 

How many night feeds did/do you do? Hormones, feeds, everything & YOU want a massage when you get home? I would of sold my husband for a good nights sleep when mine were really little.

 

Hormones + a husband who was on Tinder!!!! I would of killed my H for a good nights sleep!!

[ShatteredLady]

Oh....& the silent treatment is abuse!!

 

NEVER compare your wife to another woman (particularly your Mum) unless it's flattering to your wife!

[BaileyB]

You sound like you have some pretty high expectations. And as such, I predict that you will be very, very unhappy in your marriage...

 

Because life happens. Loans pile up. Babies get sick. Womens bodies change...

 

And while your wife is struggling to deal with all this, you are sitting on the sofa waiting for your head rub and your home cooked meal. Oh, and looking forward to the hot sex you plan to have that night... Or checking Tinder if it's been more than a few days...

 

Are you for real! As a working woman who loves my partner, contributes to the household finances, shares the work of home and family... Your expectations and thoughts of how life should go would be insulting to me.

 

If you want a happy wife, do a little more to support her to seek her goals (not your goals for her), help around the home and with your child, be active and have fun together... This is the way to find happiness in your marriage.

 

I have little sympathy for your plight and believe that you will find yourself divorced again very soon if you continue with the unrealistic expectations you have for your wife and your marriage.

[aileD]

[]

 

Why don't you just ASK YOUR WIFE what will make her happy instead of trying to tell her how she should be?

 

Maybe being the kept wife wasn't all it was promised to be and she's bored and lonely and feels like her life is the same thing day after day after day after day.

 

SAHM and housewife can get old really fast and suck the life out of you.

Edited September 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content; language

[Satu]

You tried to remake her into your mother, and you failed.

 

I'm glad you did.

 

 

Take care.

[BaileyB]

I would imagine that she is not very motivated to be the wife you want because she feels like she can't meet your expectations... It certainly sounds like you have been expressing to her that she just doesn't measure up...

 

I don't know a woman who would be motivated to be a good partner if their husband is telling her what to do, how to do it, and how she doesn't measure up. It would be misery...

 

It sounds like you are creating a very unhappy and unhealthy environment for her - but expecting her to offer you love, care, and happiness. It doesn't work that way... You won't get the results you want if you continue with the same thought process and behavior.

[basil67]

Everyone has touched on your attitude here, so I really don't need to add more to that.

 

When she agreed to this deal, she thought it sounded like the perfect idea. But reality has shown her that child rearing can be socially isolating, draining and repetitive. Add to that the fact that you're working AND studying, lack of adult company from you isn't going to help how she's feeling.

 

Marriage isn't about staying as you started out. That would only work if we didn't grow and change and need different things at different times of our life. Instead, marriage is about working with each other as we need different things throughout our lives.

 

You need to talk with your wife and find out what she needs to be happy and vibrant again. Because until she finds this part of herself again, she will continue to be overweight, depresssed and low libido.

 

As far as why she lied to you? We lie to people when we know we need to avoid strife. I bet you've been angry at her in the past when she's been honest and she now knows better than to be honest with you.

[Fight0rFlight]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Biker & Shattered, interesting points.

[]

I should have maybe been a little more precise, I am looking for advice from MEN who have actually been in a similar situation, living with a wife that hadn't held up their end of the deal.

What do I need to do to make her understand, she either wakes the **** up and cranks her ass in overdrive, or she needs to go back to work?

Or from women who consider themselves traditional, who follow their husbands, and their POV on how they managed to tough it out.

 

[]

 

Raising ONE kid, with a nursery/house help, everything paid for and taken care of, go to the gym 3 times a week, cook a meal every other day.... high expectations?!....

Sitting on your ass, watching Netflix, expecting puppy-dog husband to come back from work with dinner, and then filling out a "Am I happy? Am I fulfilled?" Cosmo questionnaires as you peg him...now that's high!

Edited September 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[aileD]

My husband used to always be like "my dad and stepmom did this...my stepmom did this...my stepmom did food like this cleaned like this bla bla"

 

I had to speak up and tell him he didn't marry his stepmom. Lol

[oldshirt]

 

I should have maybe been a little more precise, I am looking for advice from MEN who have actually been in a similar situation,

 

I have been in a similar situation. I actually do kind of understand your frustration and resentment.

 

I too met, dated and married a hottie and a smoke'n hot lover. We traveled. We got engaged while rockclimbing on a mountain top in Colorado. We fck'd in dressing rooms and cars in the park and in the storage room at work. We dreamt and talked of traveling to exotic locations around the world and getting it on on beaches and mountain tops.

 

We were married almost half a dozen years before our first came. I was a month shy of my 38th birthday when she was born. I had spent 38 years being about ME and had spent a dozen years as bachelor and half dozen years as childless couple. To say that fatherhood and family life was a culture shock and alternate universe for me is the understatement of the century.

 

And yes I was bitter and resentful of the loss of spontaneity, the loss of sexual adventurism and passion. The loss of freedom and the loss of things that were just plain fun for me.

 

And my beautiful, sexy, adventurous, happy, uninhibited wife was replaced by a scowling, stressed, angry creature that was always frustrated and dissatisfied with me, always angry at me and never wanted to do anything fun with me and rarely wanted to have sex with me anymore.

 

And the times we did have sex, it was obvious she was just doing it to shut me up and her head was some where else and even if it did seem like she may have been getting into it - one peep from kid waking up from the nap and she was out the door whether I was in the middle of the downstroke or not.

 

I too missed my old life. I missed the hot, sexy girl I fell in love with, traveled with, made love to under the stars and married.

 

I grew resentful. I grew bitter. I never cheated but man did I ever understand how someone could be drawn into it. I was even jealous of the guys that did pick up extra poon on the side. Before I always wondered how someone could be so $htty that they could cheat on their spouse. Now I wonder how so many people can actually stay faithful.

 

Eventually things came to a head and we were both miserable and both questioning whether we should try to work things out or cut our losses and throw in the towel.

 

We ended up seeing a couple different counselors over a period of time.

 

Counseling did help. It helped both of us see what we were each blind to.

 

Through counseling, the counselor was able to get through to my wife that I was serious, that I did have needs that had to be met or I really would leave and make a new life for myself whilst leaving her behind. The counselor at least opened her eyes that I was not her servant and I was not put here to simply be a provider for the children. She did have to wake up and realize that I had needs of my own and if she didn't want to try to meet those needs, someone else would.

 

HOWEVER, I also had to drink the Kool Aid and also had to face my own demons as well. My hands were no cleaner than hers. I had been pointing my fingers at her and accusing her of abandoning me and neglecting me and no longer loving me. But the counselor finally had to smack me down and make me realize that I was actually the one checking out and the one with 1 1/2 feet out the door.

 

The counselor basically forced me to realize that the reason she was turning cold on me was because I was checking out on her and on the family. Yes, I would sit there and say that I loved the kids and loved my wife. But my actions and behaviors said otherwise. I was still trying to live my life as a single playboy. Oh I wasn't picking up chicks per se but I was still trying my hardest to keep up all my old hobbies and activities and was always doing everything I could to ditch the kids off so I could go hunting or kayaking or trying to get my wife to go out of town just us two so we could try to have some wild monkey sex again.

 

Now yes, couple's absolutely DO need time away from the kids to reconnect as husband and wife - no one denies that. But it's all about balance. Getting out and having fun again was ALL I wanted to do.

 

I was still trying to be my wife's lover and boyfriend. she needed a husband and father to children. She needed someone she could trust and have faith in to be there for her and for her offspring. She couldn't trust or respect or have faith in a guy that only wanted to have fun and only wanted her for fun and sex. She was now a mother and had responsibilities and she needed a life-partner that was truly "there" for her.

 

And here is the thing about women. Women can only desire men that they respect and have confidence in. She couldn't respect a man that only wanted to have fun and sex and wasn't 100% invested in his home, family and children. She lost faith and respect in me and lost confidence in my ability to be a husband and father. When her faith and confidence went, so did her desire and attraction.

 

Women also need to feel secure to feel desire. She knew that my dissatisfaction and frustration were reaching critical mass and she knew I was thinking of leaving and dreaming of other women. She became insecure and with insecurity came her own bitterness and resentments. It was a viscious cycle and it was all spiraling towards the ground.

 

I had a lot of soul-searching to do. A big part of me wanted to walk. But another part of me knew that it was not in my DNA to break up my family or be a part time dad and I did truly love her and wanted to have the life we had dreamed of together.

 

What helped me immensely was Athol Kay's books and the forum members at "Married Man Sex Life." It was through them that I learned of "responsive desire" and realized that my wife really did play off of my attitude and my behaviors and demeanor. I learned that if I were to lead, she would follow.

 

I chose to reinvest myself into my family and my kids and my marriage. I chose to put my libido and my hobbies and self-indulgence on the back burner and put my energies into my home and family.

 

It worked to the degree that it pulled us back from the edge of the abyss and made us into a stable and functional home and family again. It worked in that we each now know that we each have our own needs that need to be met and that each have to work to meet the others needs even if it kind of goes against our own nature.

 

We are not carefree singles or a childless married couple anymore and never will be. We will likely never have the spontaneity and adventurism that we did as BF/GF or newlyweds again. We may never make love under the stars on a mountaintop again. But we have other assets and other things to love and enjoy that have come from building a home and family and life together.

 

You can too. You are trying to hold on to your single, childless days and the spontaneity and freedom and passions you used to have. I am sorry, but those days are gone. You can still have some fun and exciting days here and there throughout your life. But your actual day after day lifestyle of being childless and unrestricted is gone.

 

Man makes plans and God laughs. Your expectations of her and your expectations of how your married and family life would be are unrealistic and haven't worked out like you envisioned. Welcome to the real world. It's time to draw up some new plans and try something else. You need to be more flexible and reasonable. You need to grow up. You need to face some realities.

 

You have been working hard. You have been doing your best to step up to the plate. You have had your share of successes and accomplishments.

 

But there are other areas that things haven't gone as planned. There is no shame in that as no one has a clue what parenthood is about until they are waist deep in it. Time to have some roundtable meetings and come up with some other strategies and tactics.

 

Your resentment and bitterness runs deep and may be at a critical and toxic level. Her resentment and bitterness and insecurities towards you are likely reaching critical levels too.

 

I urge you to face the realities and get into marriage counseling ASAP.

 

You are both likely decent people that want to do well. This is what MC is for and it is this kind of thing that MC can actually help a lot. Please consult a professional and get some professional help in sorting these things out and coming up with some new plans and some different modalities on conflict resolution.

 

You can save your marriage and you can get your loving, faithful wife back. She's never be a 25 year old single, childfree chick again. But she can be a loving and faithful and sexual wife again if you can lead your family to that reality.

[BaileyB]

^^ That is an amazing post. And oldshirt, you are a wise man that any woman would be proud to call her husband.

Edited September 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[oldshirt]

Additionally, I think you are mistaken that she is not upholding her end of the bargain.

 

You haven't said anything about coming home and finding the baby with poop and pee dripping out his unchanged diapers and screeming hunger while she lays on the couch.

 

You haven't said anything about crusted, dirty dishes piling up and drawing bugs in the sink while sits stoned in the corner.

 

You haven't said anything about her not washing her hair, taking a shower or changing her socks and underwear for a week.

 

A lot of guys on these boards would kill to have sex with their wives every week or two.

 

You haven't said anything about her mistreating you or being disrespectful or contemptuous to you.

 

Nothing you have said indicates that she is falling down, but rather that she is not meeting your expectations and wishes.

 

I think you are holding on too tight to your initial expectations. I think their is a disconnect between the life you envisioned and real life.

 

I also believe that you two may have very differing "love languages." To me it sounds like your love language is very much, "Acts of Service." She is probably showing you love and devotion and dedication to your home and family, but you are not seeing it because she is showing it to you in a different Love Language.

 

There is a good chance that while you see all your hard work and providing for her as your sign of love and devotion, she may not fully see that or appreciate it because she has a different love language.

 

This is the kind of thing that MC can help with. a good counselor can point out that she is actually doing things to show her love and dedication, but you can't see it. And a counselor can point out some other things that you can do in her love language that she can recognize and appreciate.

[oldshirt]

Now in regards to the other man on FB. Yes, this is a concern and something that will need to be addressed and closely monitored.

 

But here is the thing - if you are being an @$$ and making her feel insecure and unappreciated, she may seek approval and acceptance from another man/men. If you are showing her the bitterness and disdain in person that you are here, she truly is at risk of seeking acceptance and appreciation elsewhere.

 

I am not saying that that is right or that it is ok, I am saying it is a reality.

 

Your marriage is a high risk right now. If she is feeling half as disgruntled as you, there is a chance things could spiral out of control real fast.

 

You may be disgruntled and disenchanted. But what you may be missing is that you may actually be in crisis.

 

From the info you have provided, I don't know if your wife is actually cheating or warming her next dude up on deck or not. But I do know that you are at high risk and you are rapidly approaching the edge of the cliff. You need an immediate reality-check and rapid intervention if you want to keep this from going from frustration to an actual crisis.

[Els]

You went on Tinder to see 'how many hotties you could pull' when you have a wife and a child?????

 

Yeah, sorry, any chances of you getting sympathy pretty much evaporated right there.

[CarrieT]

I love you, Oldshirt... :love:

[Fight0rFlight]

Hey Oldshirt, thank you so much for your posts.

 

As I was reading through your excellent write-up, I really felt like you were reading my mind.

Ï spent all of last night reading through these forums, as well as several articles online. I think I'm going to give counselling a try, because I am honestly at a loss as to what to do next.

If anything, just allow for a medium, and a filtered communication between two parties.

 

I see two potential problems:

1) you spoke so eloquently about how married life/parenthood has drastically changed things for you, you were 38. Issue is, I don't think I'm ready to give up that life just yet. Sounds like a nightmare if you ask me...to have worked this hard and to get where I am when we can afford to do pretty much anything we want, and instead I get to come home to someone who doesn't seem to be pulling their weight, doesn't turn me on as much, and that I don't seem to satisfy. **** that...why not just pull the plug and go back to being awesome? I don't understand how raising a single child with a SAHM puts a wrench in that lifestyle.

I mean is that what is has to come to?

Where I should be happy because my wife blows me on my anniversary, or has sex once a week, or because as long as dishes aren't reaching the ceiling, or the baby looks like he is fed?! What is the point in that? Why live like this, especially when you have a choice?!

I don't think i'm asking for much to say go to the gym, stop eating ****, keep tabs on the house until the kid's old enough, you have help, you got $, I take you out anytime we can... man the **** up.

 

2) Something seemed to have been misunderstood.

I am an alpha male. When it comes to marriage, I follow the biblical/religious idea of the roles of man in the household.

In this day and age, I'm not everyone cup of tea, I don't care how society thinks it should be, that's how I am, the rules are written in BOLD print on the package.

I would do anything for my wife, as long I get respect. 5 years together, she has only ever cussed me once. When she did, I almost had the divorce papers ready... I will never EVER take that ****.

Similarly, I will defend my wife's honour no matter the outcome, and push her to reach any of her goals.

(she wants to study psychology, I will pay for her studies, wants to climb Everest, $70000 I will take care of that, wants this exact home, she will get it...whatever she wants to achieve in her life, I will do my absolute best to help her get it, that's because she's my wife, and it's my duty as a husband).

I made it VERY CLEAR, if you get married, you will stop working, and you will raise our kid well until he's old enough.

She said, I will take care of you, the house, the kid, everything don't worry.

Of course, easier said than done, which is why I got her house help that comes to the dishes/ironing/dusting/cleaning,...ALL the house chores.

 

If all that means to you, I am not ready for marriage or married life, then I hope with some MC, I can see that for myself.

I love coming home to a wife and kid, and building a life together.

I do not believe in the whole soulmate BS, I think there are thousands and thousands of people you can live an amazing happy life with.

For me, life's about having fun, laughing every day, and knocking lines of the endless bucket list. Can't wait to do that with my kid when he's a little older, I'm loving fatherhood, but maybe you are right, I had a completely wrong idea about married life? But if so, I'm 32, it ain't too late to change course.

[BikerAccnt]

Oldshirt, I just have to tell ya, that is one hell of a post. One of the best I think I've read here. Straight from the heart and full of good advice.

 

You got this man **** down!

[cozycottagelg]

What are you providing your wife with that doesn't cost money? You listed a bunch of stuff that you pay for...but what else?

 

Do you let her have time to herself and watch the baby without complaining or calling her a lot?

 

Do you ask her how her day was? Do you listen when she tells you things?

 

The first 2 years after having a baby are HARD. My husband wasn't helpful at all and I resented him horribly for it. We both worked, but still... if I had stayed home full time and he thought that paying the bills was enough, I wouldn't have been happy or horny either.

 

I think for some reason men feel that by giving us a house and a car and in your case a house keeper (super jealous)..that they don't have to meet our emotional needs.

[SaveYourHeart]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Biker & Shattered, interesting points.

[]

I should have maybe been a little more precise, I am looking for advice from MEN who have actually been in a similar situation, living with a wife that hadn't held up their end of the deal.

What do I need to do to make her understand, she either wakes the **** up and cranks her ass in overdrive, or she needs to go back to work?

Or from women who consider themselves traditional, who follow their husbands, and their POV on how they managed to tough it out.

 

[]

 

Raising ONE kid, with a nursery/house help, everything paid for and taken care of, go to the gym 3 times a week, cook a meal every other day.... high expectations?!....

Sitting on your ass, watching Netflix, expecting puppy-dog husband to come back from work with dinner, and then filling out a "Am I happy? Am I fulfilled?" Cosmo questionnaires as you peg him...now that's high!

 

 

 

Oh sorry, I was coming here to give you some top of the line input, but I see you don't want to hear from women, so I'll keep it to myself.

 

On a sidenote, Oldshirt, you have eloquently made some phenomenal points. I'm going to need to hire you as a personal advisor lol!

[CarrieT]

All right, F0F, I am a woman who lives in a "traditional" marriage.

 

Well, maybe not so traditional as I also live in a BDSM marriage and am "slave girl" to my husband as "Master." But were you to meet us in public, you would never know we live this lifestyle.

 

I am now 52 years old for for 25 years, I was single (several long-term relationships) and worked multiple high-power jobs (executive assistant to corporate presidents and CEOs).

 

I met and married a doctor and will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary this October. He is a surgeon. When we started dating, he offered that I didn't have to be an "incoming-generating member" in the relationship. Bear in mind, I was pulling down a decent 6-figure income, but the thought of not having to work was enticing.

 

The deal was this: He would fire the Nanny that had been taking part-time (every other week) care of his three pre-teen children and I would take over those duties. I would mostly maintain the household's cleanliness, but we hired someone who would come on alternate weeks to do the kids' laundry, change their bedsheets, and do a major cleaning of bathrooms and whatnot. I would still do our laundry and keep the house tidy.

 

For the kids, I would become "soccer mom" insofar as driving them to school and back and whatever after-school activities arrived and prepare all necessary meals. I went to cooking school so I don't even believe in frozen lasagne. They get breakfast, lunch, and dinner although they often prefer cereal for breakfast.

 

On our non-kid weeks, I am free to pursue my creative endeavors; I am an exhibition artist and published author. The children do not have a clue about the BDSM, they just see us as a loving and supportive couple. My husband is encouraging of my endeavors and supportive of the fact that - yes - I have let myself go and gained 30 or so pounds since we have been together.

 

He is not accusatory or upset that my physical body has changed. He understands that sometimes I get overwhelmed with life or his kids or whatever deadline might be in my scope and he will offer to bring home Chinese food for dinner or take us out if I haven't had time to cook. We ask each other about our days, make time for date night, and work together as a team. We exalt each other and are loving and complimentary to each other in front of the kids and in private.

 

In short, we are a team.

[BettyDraper]

All right, F0F, I am a woman who lives in a "traditional" marriage.

 

Well, maybe not so traditional as I also live in a BDSM marriage and am "slave girl" to my husband as "Master." But were you to meet us in public, you would never know we live this lifestyle.

 

I am now 52 years old for for 25 years, I was single (several long-term relationships) and worked multiple high-power jobs (executive assistant to corporate presidents and CEOs).

 

I met and married a doctor and will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary this October. He is a surgeon. When we started dating, he offered that I didn't have to be an "incoming-generating member" in the relationship. Bear in mind, I was pulling down a decent 6-figure income, but the thought of not having to work was enticing.

 

The deal was this: He would fire the Nanny that had been taking part-time (every other week) care of his three pre-teen children and I would take over those duties. I would mostly maintain the household's cleanliness, but we hired someone who would come on alternate weeks to do the kids' laundry, change their bedsheets, and do a major cleaning of bathrooms and whatnot. I would still do our laundry and keep the house tidy.

 

For the kids, I would become "soccer mom" insofar as driving them to school and back and whatever after-school activities arrived and prepare all necessary meals. I went to cooking school so I don't even believe in frozen lasagne. They get breakfast, lunch, and dinner although they often prefer cereal for breakfast.

 

On our non-kid weeks, I am free to pursue my creative endeavors; I am an exhibition artist and published author. The children do not have a clue about the BDSM, they just see us as a loving and supportive couple. My husband is encouraging of my endeavors and supportive of the fact that - yes - I have let myself go and gained 30 or so pounds since we have been together.

 

He is not accusatory or upset that my physical body has changed. He understands that sometimes I get overwhelmed with life or his kids or whatever deadline might be in my scope and he will offer to bring home Chinese food for dinner or take us out if I haven't had time to cook. We ask each other about our days, make time for date night, and work together as a team. We exalt each other and are loving and complimentary to each other in front of the kids and in private.

 

In short, we are a team.

 

This. Sounds like you have a great marriage.

 

I am also in a traditional marriage except we are childfree.

I'm sure that not having children makes certain aspects of our marriage easier. That said, I don't think it's realistic to expect a woman's body and energy level to stay the same after a baby. I also think that searching on Tinder while married is reprehensible no matter what is going on your marriage.

 

Expectations need to be managed and lack of respect on both sides is an issue in your marriage, OP. If you didn't want any changes to your lifestyle at all, you should not have had a child in the first place. Children change everything in a marriage so you need to mature enough to handle that if you're going to be a father.

 

Now, I agree that your wife can surely exercise...especially with all the help she has at home. I wonder if she is refusing to exercise out of resentment. I'm curious about why she refers to you as a "misogynist" when she agreed to a traditional marriage. Have you made misogynistic comments?

[ShatteredLady]

Does your wife belong to the local 'Moms Club'? I know that they're everywhere in the USA & ladies I know in Europe were introduced by the midwife.

 

Having a group of women peers when you're first a Mum REALLY helps! I don't mean just with baby stuff. Some of the group will be struggling with weight, hormones, depression etc. I found it life changing.

 

We became friends as couples & had parties & group play dates...

 

 

Can't wait until you have 2 kids!! Hahaha!!!!

 

 

Do you walk through the door & hug her, kiss her? Do you play with baby while she takes a bath & fixes dinner?

 

My daughter NEVER napped. Screamed the house down if I tried to put her into any of the baby play things, walked & CLIMBED at 9 months & woke every 3-4 hours through the night. My recall of that first year isn't good but I'm sure I wasn't a picture perfect wife.

 

Now we can go to the lake & have fun. Go on vacation. I have health issues so it's harder but please believe me, I does get easier as they get a little older.

 

Resentments built at this time stick hard. Deep inside I wanted my H to be overwhelmed with joy at having a pregnant wife & child. We all have our fantasies & from the way you talk I don't think that your wife is living hers of motherhood.