Uneven Marriage. me fight the resentment before it becomes unsalvageable

[BettyDraper]

I don't think the OP is coming back. We have not told him what he wants to hear.

 

I hope he has learned something from this thread.

[BaileyB]

 

Ask yourself what your child will think when they grow up and learn that you broke up their family because life wasn't fun anymore. You broke up the family because your wife had gained a few pounds and wouldn't have sex with you more than once a week. Will that earn the respect and admiration of your child?

My child needs a father and mother that loves him, and the best opportunities to succeed in life. He will get both from me. Living in a home that is toxic and full of resentment is what could also screw him up.

 

I won't disagree with you. No child deserves to grow up in an unhealthy, unhappy home where husband and wife are miserable.

 

But honestly, perhaps the best thing that could happen is for you to divorce and for your wife to find someone who can show your son what it is to really be a man. And by that, I mean someone who is kind and loving. Someone who treats their wife with respect and sees marriage as a partnership, not a dictatorship. Someone who spends time with their children rather than pursuing their own selfish interests, sometimes at the expense of the child. Someone who inspires respect and doesn't demand or threaten their spouse/children in an attempt to earn their respect (because this is likely what you will do when your son grows up and doesn't do as you wish/meet your expectations). And someone who makes a commitment and honours that commitment.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks again for all your inputs, good or bad, I am listening.

 

Okay, so the issue with forums is that it's very hard to encompass the entire back-story. 5 amazing years with someone are not going to be summed up on a few pages. I came to LoveShack because I had a problem, my understanding of what I envisioned my wife's duties/role to be, and the reality have been different. So much so that's it's caused a lot of strain in our marriage, and has just pissed me the **** off, which is partly the reason I have sounded like a prick at times.

So here's a little back-story that might shed some light and answers some of your questions.

 

Where is the love?

What are you providing your wife with that doesn't cost money? You listed a bunch of stuff that you pay for...but what else?

Do you let her have time to herself and watch the baby without complaining or calling her a lot?

Do you ask her how her day was? Do you listen when she tells you things?

Can you tell us more about the emotional support you give her? You do know that it's the emotional connection which makes a woman want to have sex with you, yes?

She's my best friend, we spend 98% of our time together, and I have never felt like I needed anybody else. I proposed to my wife on the summit of mount Kilimanjaro... just last month, I flew halfway across the globe to surprise her for 24 hours for her birthday, and took her to the best restaurant in her city. we go on tons of date nights, movies etc.. all the time.

I am very talkative, so her and I talk about everything all the time.

As far as the kid goes, she thinks I'm a great father, but don't spend enough time with him. I'm with him almost every other day, but there are times where I come back from work, I have studies so play with him for 10 minutes, kiss, cuddle, laugh.. he's 1.5 years old.

Today, he was with me all day..mall/play area/lunch/visit grandparents.

Had him for 6-7 hours while wife did her ****.

I did not mention the kid/emotional aspects because this is not the issue.

 

 

The OP needs to learn the difference between a partnership and a dictatorship. As your wife, she also has the right to make and change the rules. A big part of your problem is your inflexibility.

Unfortunately, many men use Biblical arguments only when it suits them.

They erroneously believe that traditional means "doormat."

I do not FORCE my wife to do anything.

If you sign a contract with your employer, you can't just wake up one morning and just decide that today you want to work from 12-5.

YOU can do whatever you want, but don't expect work for them very long.

I made myself VERY CLEAR, so CRYSTAL CLEAR about what I expected from my wife. If all I wanted was to hug, kiss, and cuddle in front of the TV, go on adventures, travel and have fun with someone, I would just have a long-term life partner. There are literally millions of women around the world that can fit the bill. Just a few, and reading from these forums, literally a handful that are strong enough to do what I ask of them when it comes to the duties of a wife/mother.

 

Ask yourself what your child will think when they grow up and learn that you broke up their family because life wasn't fun anymore. You broke up the family because your wife had gained a few pounds and wouldn't have sex with you more than once a week. Will that earn the respect and admiration of your child?

My child needs a father and mother that loves him, and the best opportunities to succeed in life. He will get both from me. Living in a home that is toxic and full of resentment is what could also screw him up.

 

Reading the OP's "I only want to hear from men" caveat makes me think that he subconsciously believes that women are not worth listening to. Maybe his wife is picking up on that attitude.

If you actually kept on reading you would have seen I also included women.

Those whose opinion I do not care about are the feminists. I am a man's man, old school... like a wife to be submitted to her husband (that doesn't mean slave, or doormat). A strong woman that's okay with the previous century/1950's idea of marriage where life may suck at times, but you were raised to MAN UP and take it, because you're a strong devoted wife. It's not for everyone, especially in this day and age, but for me it's the only reason I would say until death do us part to someone. Not until I get a better job, or until I wake up and realise I want something else with my life.

 

Also, where in this model is search dating/hookup websites okay?

You are not a godly husband, but a selfish one.

Out of interest, did she cuss you out when she found you on Tinder? You didn't do that while she was pregnant did you? OMG!! That would of broken my heart! Does she hold resentment for that? Did you REALLY talk about it?

I agree, I was wrong to do that. I have never cheated on her, never will.

I am of the reasoning that If I woke up tomorrow wanting other women, I would just divorce her, and then off I would go without any drama.

But, I'm a guy, and because I haven't had a lot of experience with women (3 including my wife), I went on Tinder because I found it fun, especially with the lads. I wasn't on by myself randomly, I was just curious and found it really fun to see that I matched with these super hot girls from uni. It's just an ego boost but also because yeah, that's how my wife looked, and I miss it. I even once told her, I would never, but I did take a look at an escort website. I was just turned on by the hotties "nearby" on it, which looked like my wife a few years ago.

SOMETHING THAT NEEDS CLEARING, the sex going down from 5-6 times per week to once a week, even once every two weeks is not because my wife got pregnant and her hormones/libido has gone down. She's an amazing lover, and very horny thank God. If she wasn't, I would be out of there.

It's because she gained weight, pure fat, lots of cellulite...20 pounds, and it just doesn't turn me on, that's it. I don't care if it hurts her feelings, or 80% of girls reading this feel shocked, that's again who I am, and she knows that.

Maybe that's a reason for the issues too? Because I turn her down for sex?

But I never tell her no because I'm not turned on (wouldn't want to hurt her), but I just make excuses about being tired, or busy, or most of the time, just eat her out till she cums.

Now, while I enjoy when my wife cums over and over, I'm finding it hard to get hard when I'm not as excited. Would you rather I start imagining other women?

I need to have a hot/fit wife, not forever, I'm very visual, not when we're 50, I don't expect a supermodel, but if I used to buy you S lingerie, and now you couldn't fit in some of the M lingerie I bought her on our last anniversary. you need to stop that **** now....

I bought her $4000 of equipment that's rusting, gym memberships, you name it... do you expect me to do the workout for her too?

Now, single mom, 2 jobs, 2-3 kids, no house-help, I get it...

but SAHM, house-help, no job, 1 toddler, and you can't get in shape?

 

That is true that you said you wanted to hear from traditional women.

I am a traditional wife. My husband is the breadwinner and head of the household. I am the homemaker and the "vice president" so to speak. We discuss choices but he has the final say because it makes me feel secure. I have no trouble admitting that my husband is smarter and more rational than I am. I have some gifts that he does not and we complement each other.

 

I am not a feminist because I have many issues with that movement...particularly the lack of intersectionality for women of color as well as the tendency to denounce women who choose traditional roles.

 

The difference between you and my husband is he isn't a rigid taskmaster who loves to tell me that I am failing. He also cares about my feelings because, well, he isn't a rude pig. When he had a problem with some of my behavior in the past, there were boundaries set as well as respectful discussions. I expressed a need for counseling and my husband paid for it. He knows that I respond well to encouragement rather than force or shaming me into meeting his standards. Taunting your wife by telling her that you're looking at escort websites is disgusting.

 

I agree that your wife has many advantages that women would kill to have. I know many SAHMs who raise 2 or more kids with no hired help and they look wonderful. However, I also believe that you could be more understanding and loving. She is not your robot who will do your bidding. She is a woman with feelings that are just as important as yours. Maybe your wife would be more willing to make changes if you did not bully her. No matter how dissatisfied you are, please STOP looking for other women. You are not a "lad" anymore. You're a married adult and you need to honor that commitment regardless of how much experience you missed out on. Why should your wife "man up" if you cannot? That's a very selfish attitude that has no place in a happy marriage.

[Dolfin80]

Wow I just read what you did to your wife and you are a perpetrator of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

 

Your wife is living in complete FEAR of you.

 

It is not ok for you to treat her like this. You need to see a domestic violence counsellor as you have no idea how terrible your behaviour is.....

[Fight0rFlight]

Oldtimer, again, thanks for your inputs.

I didn't understand your anecdote however, I never laid a hand on my wife and never will. I do not berate her, and cuss her for not doing what I expect her to. I don't call my wife a s*(&$ for sleeping with other men.

As for Alpha, they lead, PROVIDE and protect their pack.

You have some great truths in what you post, but you shouldn't make assumptions on who I am/do because of a few pages.

A monument to myself because I want someone who lives with me to remain attractive and take care of the home better?

Covert contract? Like we got married, and woke up one day expecting this and that?! There was nothing COVERT about what I wanted for marriage.

I have an amazing life, and have no desire to spent it with someone who likes to play the lottery with feelings, how to live, where to be, what to do etc... I know EXACTLY what I want, and told her so.

Look, until the child came along, everything was great.

And while we are both loving the parents side of things, it's husband/wife dynamic which has taken a serious hit.

You don't think I tried the nice approach over and over?

I am here because I've had enough. But judging from some of the posts, as long as my baby isn't convulsing from lack of nutrition, and my wife has a working vagina, I should love her for who she is..yay, happy marriage.

Sorry, I just have higher standards than that.

 

I wouldn't say a word if she got her hot body back, that would solve the attraction/sex issue. As for doing more around the house, I want her to feel tired/exhausted at the end of the day, just like I am.

I want to feel like she is giving a lot of herself to this family (kid + HUSBAND) and feeling like like is rewarding, but tough.

That's because that's how I feel when I think of marriage/raising kids.

She's doing great with the kid, but other than that... it's been downhill.

Some women (clearly not all) are able to do that + look good + clean the house +...+... yes it's tough, but I want to see tough.

I didn't marry someone that feels empowered at the end of Eat, Pray, Love. Or someone that's out there to prove something to this male-dominate world. Some of the lovely traditional ladies who shared me some of their marriages are a testament to that, and I hope that my wife and I can get to that. I'm now seeing I have some big changes to make, particularly how I approach the situation I guess (less strict, maybe more diplomatic)

Again, it's a question of expectations/standards.

 

But I love her as a person, she's amazing, and I never wanted someone else. She might be an amazing girlfriend (the best ever) but not a housewife.

That's what I want out of marriage, a housewife, and she understood that.

I want a housewife that will take care of me, the house, and the kids.

In return, I will offer her the goddman universe.

Now, don't want to do chores? I'll get the house-help. Don't want to be with a baby all day? I'll hire a nanny. But then she needs to work and become an income-provider for the family, then I won't expect anything from her in relation to the housewife role/duties.

 

Let's see...she was much calmer today after venting on the messages yesterday. Apologised for saying she has 0 respect for me, that she of course does, but doesn't to ever feel like I can kick her out of the house.

Told her I wouldn't, unless she cheated, the one thing I will never forgive.

She wants to go back to work, says it was much better then...(also a little jab effort to make her feel like she would have something to fall on should I decide to kick her out again).

Going back to work means she will be stimulated by other people, conversing, making her own $$$ again, and I know we'll be right back to having an amazing time together again.

As I said MANY times now, as a couple, we have 0 problems, we stick like glue.

But, With a 1.5 year old, I'm not too happy about that.

It goes against what I wanted for my son, I wanted him to have a SAHM.

I would like her to wait until he turns 3, and starts to go to school, then I don't mind the part-time work at all, it'll be good for her and the family.

I asked her about counselling....she said YOU should go.

Edited September 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal poke

[oldshirt]

Anyhow, I spoke to her today, sent her a message.

This is what she had to say!

Bear in mind, last few days have been terrible, haven't slept, went out for drinks with the boys, some cute girl (teacher) at the bar came by, she was being sweet, definitely flirting, part of me wanted to just take her home and *^@ her brains out to get rid of this stress from the past few months.

I felt so ****, pissed off, and just wanted my wife to realise this could be so simple (do more at home, get back in shape, and in 2-3 years when the kid is older, you go back to work, we have an awesome life again!), but at the rate it's going, I feel like I'm going to head to court soon. We both deserve to be happy, and while we had a blast before, maybe parenthood with married life isn't compatible for us both.

It sucks, because I still love her very much, I feel like my heart is tearing when I imagine a life without her in it. But knowing myself, I will MAN up about it, hold back the tears, and try to move on as fast as possible and mask the pain away with hobbies, lots of sex and spending time with my son.

 

For those who need a recap from the original post, we hadn't spoken in a week after I found out she was chatting with some guy on FB (an old gay friend) and lied about it telling me it's one of her girlfriends.

I flipped out, baaaaaaaaaad. Grabbed a suitcase, started to pack some of her clothes, and told her she needed to sleep somewhere else tonight, maybe to that guy's house. She refused, so I grabbed some instead, and went to a nearby hotel for the night.

 

Here's how the conversation went, it ain't pretty:

H: Are you happy to continue living like this?

W: No

H: What do you suggest we do about it then?

W: I will go back to work

H: Do you think that will solve the issue of you lying to me?

W: I apologised.

I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't want any drama or tension. We are both grown ups and parents to our son.

H: If I met Julia (old school friend) in a mall...went to see her mom with our son, chatting...then she adds me on Facebook, I accept it..chat on the sofa at night and you came home from work...studying...and came to give me a kiss and you asked who it was and I said it was Micheal. I would love to see how you would have behaved...

W: I would be pissed off...but I wouldn't definitely kick you out of the house. I wouldn't swear that you're a ****ing cunt and bitch or ****ing idiot the next day. I wouldn't definately make you feel that you don't belong and never belonged to this house...because it's yours. But that's me, i'm different.

This is how you deal with me, and I understood very well this time.

H:...really? Did you actually go out?

If it was so, why didn't you leave when I asked you to?

W: Because I have a son, and I would never leave without my son. NEVER.

H: I was very angry because you hurt me, and I certainly didn't deserve it.

W:I know that it hurt you that I lied. Doesn't matter if it was in panic or in far. I lied and that's a fact. I don't argue about it at all.

But no...you went too far, I'm sorry.

And this will never change..it's just the way you are, and I don't feel safe anymore. And i Don't think that's right or okay. Maybe for you yes.

I have enough threats with Tinder...or bitches..or escorts. I just can't.

I don't blame you, you know that I love but I realised I can't cope with that.

I was never good enough for you.

If it comes on our son, not good enough, if it comes on the household, not good enough, if comes on looking hot, not good enough.

I don't want any arguments...our son doesn't deserve it.

You told me once...we will always make things right and not nasty.

I am not a bitch despite what you think of me. I would never go against the father of my child, no matter what happens between us.

H: Well...I don't know what to think now. But we need a plan...

you can't tell me I can't cope..I'm never good enough..and then pretend everything is fine, let's move on.

I had an insanely busy month at work, trying to please my family with a surprise visit on your birthday, holidays in Sri Lanka...and I get a wife that lies to me and then decide to go out in a hot dress I haven't seen her wear in years. Are you saying you want a divorce?

W: I went to see a friend... (picture with friend, it's girl we know)

H: We need to sort this out now, between important work deadline and uni exams, I need to be able to concentrate. We need to find a solution, because I can't concentrate in this current toxic environment.

W: It will sort out. I am looking for work. I am not nasty or rude to you. So please don't be as well.

You want to say it's my fault, I lied, I'm not a good wife..I don't care anymore.

You don't realise anything, cannot even face me but talking to me on phone.

H: We will talk when I come home

W: You removed your wedding ring, you removed me from FB, you ignored me for a week...and I'm supposed to be okay. You're extreme!

H: Why wear a wedding ring when the love of my life meets men while I am at work..and lie to me about it. Facebook? So I can see your gay old friend?..I didn't ignore anything..you didn't even try to understand how you made me feel. Just saying sorry like you forgot to get groceries on the way home. Anyways...you don't care anymore except for your son. I get it.

W:I sent you plenty of messages asking you to come back home.

You didn't. And he's gay, thank God. And good person but yes I lied from panic and I regret it.

But either way...you handle it way to far, and wrong

I begged you thousand times to stop and talk to me normally

I used to cry a lot, you saw me suffer and you liked it

That's juts not normal...

I am sorry, you have a huge feeling to make revenge

If I would go for revenge with how many times you ****ed up or disappointed me, we wouldn't married hell of a long time ago.

I have 0 respect for you...you would never behave like that if my father was alive, you know there is nobody who can protect me

And even you are a great man and father, you take advantage of me and put in a position that i am 0

Otherwise, you would never tried to kick me out of the house.

If you think about it for one minute, you will understand why I live in fear in this house...call me a victim as you like to do.

Butt I understand I hurt you... I did. There was nothing that I could do about it...you didn't let me explain. I understand your point of view, you work hard, you try to please this family..but for you, it's not enough what I'm giving to this family.

I didn't meet your expectations but I am not sorry anymore...

as i said, I'm really lost right now...and want to get back on my feet.

Just one thing, I would never cheat on you...with any man.

Even if it crossed your mind. I believe you know me after 5 year, I love my family more than anything in the world.

 

I haven't said anything since...

My parents and friends have called, asking what's up. Haven't said anything yet...still trying to figure out how to deal with this.

Does anyone think marriage counselling is still worth it?

or should I as someone said...save my money on child support.

 

I hadn't caught up on the posts yesterday when I posted.

 

After reading this, I think the depths of your disdain and disrespect of her are even worse than I suspected (and it was pretty bad to begin with).

 

A man has to respect and honor and cherish a woman in order to have her in his heart and in his home and to be able to treat her with the proper reverence and decorum that a man should treat his wife.

 

You have total disdain and disregard for her. You have created your own prison and hell for her.

 

You need to let her go. You need to let her go while she is still young and strong enough to recover and move on and find someone that respects and honors her.

 

And perhaps you can find someone that can meet up to your expectations and wishes. I have no idea of that person exists or not but your wife isn't it and if you split with her, then at least you could look and you could let her move on with your life.

 

I don't think MC will save your marriage nor do I think it should. But if you have trust and faith in the counselor, then that person may be able to work with you to sort out some of the details of the split so minimize the chaos and hurt feelings and ill will etc and help work out some kind of coparenting arrangement so that you two aren't at each other's throats over the child all the time.

 

Work out a fair and equitable divorce so that she and your child aren't living hand to mouth under a bridge somewhere and each of you move on so that you each can find peace.

[oldshirt]

 

 

You don't think I tried the nice approach over and over?

I am here because I've had enough. But judging from some of the posts, as long as my baby isn't convulsing from lack of nutrition, and my wife has a working vagina, I should love her for who she is..yay, happy marriage.

Sorry, I just have higher standards than that.

 

 

 

I understand.

 

She's not meeting your expectations and your wishes and not meeting the expectations you sent forth for what you thought a wife and mother should be.

 

You both are miserable and this dynamic is not working for either of you.

 

You have the right to have high expectations and pursue excellence.

 

But her not meeting your expectations has caused you to look down on her and begrudge her and not respect and honor her.

 

And you being an @$$ has caused her to lose respect for you.

 

Noone should have to live where they are not treated with common dignity, respect and appreciation. Neither of you are getting that from the other. I don't know if you ever can get that from each other. That is for a professional therapist to examine and determine.

 

All I can say is that it is OK to have high expectations and pursuit of excellence. But you don't have the right to make someone else's life miserable and to berate them if they aren't meeting your demands. This is all a free-will market place. If someone isn't living up to your standards, give them their legally entitled notice and severance and let them go.

 

You have the right to divorce her if that is what you are wanting to do, but you don't have the right to keep her around to berate and disrespect.

 

Try the counseling. It's always worth a shot and then each of you can say that you tried.

[JoeSmith357-1]

The OP did some pretty extreme reactionary things, and the tinder thing, wtf...

 

But honestly it sounds like the wife checked out on the sexual side of the relationship as soon as the kid was born.

 

And I can completely relate to that. Happened to my wife.

 

So I can empathize with him to some degree.

 

A stay at home mom has really no excuse for not keeping up with the house chores, cooking and cleaning... seriously. I didn't read the whole thing, but they also hired a maid 3 days a week???

 

I would have been pretty upset too. But he handled it wrong.

[Fight0rFlight]

Hey bud, thanks again for your inputs.

I've taken everything posted here to heart.

Spent the last few hours talking with my wife, it was brutal, and ripped us both apart. I do not understand why human beings put themselves in these situations deliberately.

 

I don't think I've realised how badly I've hurt her, you and everyone on here were absolutely right, I may have taken it too far, and been too tough.

I just did exactly what my Dad did, but my mom was just made of a different cut. And i'm sure now, despite their ongoing 35+ year marriage, she wasn't always happy. Especially when my Dad cheated repeatedly.

I really thought I would do things different, but at the same time, I really don't feel like I was asking the world from her.

 

Anyways, hmm.. i don't know, not sure what to do next.

This would be so easy without the little one, but we are both adamant in being amazing parents, and have decided to be nice to each other, but I think we are headed for a divorce.

When a woman tells you she doesn't care anymore, and that she's done, it's hard to convince her otherwise if you don't believe she would change.

I spent the last few days thinking about whether or not I could compromise... I could just get a full-time housekeeper to keep the house as I like it, but can't imagine her not making it a priority to look hot for me.

It's selfish maybe, but I don't cheat, and will therefore be just miserable.

 

I don't know...maybe the MC will help if anything just to deal with what's happening, and as some of you have posted, make it into an amicable and fair separation. Poor kid, though, that's what tearing me up more than anything.... today was the first day I have cried in years.

[Fight0rFlight]

In any case, thank you for all your inputs forum members.

You've helped me tremendously over the last couple of days...

 

Time to go see an MC, I'll report back when things quiet down and I've had time to reflect on everything once whatever we decided is final

[BettyDraper]

The OP did some pretty extreme reactionary things, and the tinder thing, wtf...

 

But honestly it sounds like the wife checked out on the sexual side of the relationship as soon as the kid was born.

 

And I can completely relate to that. Happened to my wife.

 

So I can empathize with him to some degree.

 

A stay at home mom has really no excuse for not keeping up with the house chores, cooking and cleaning... seriously. I didn't read the whole thing, but they also hired a maid 3 days a week???

 

I would have been pretty upset too. But he handled it wrong.

 

This thread reminds me of why my husband and I are childfree. Honestly, the stories of ruined sex lives and fat wives after a child comes along are enough to turn me off being a mother. It does seem like a lot of men have unrealistic expectations because they are not the ones who have to be pregnant, give birth and do the lion's share of childrearing. On the other hand, it also appears that becoming a mother eats up a woman's identity.

 

Maybe I shouldn't say this but I agree that a SAHM who has a maid and relative wealth has no excuse for slacking off. I think raising kids is hard but there are many women who have to work on top of being parents and they manage. I had a friend who was a SAHM. Her husband was a tradesman who had to work outside. She did not cook anything except pasta. Her house was disgusting and not just cluttered. Her children were practically feral and her son was very overweight because of the crappy diet he was eating. One of the reason we stopped being friends is I lost respect for her lazy ass. She wanted to stay home with her kids so that she could park them in front of the tv while she played on her phone all day.

 

There is no easy answer to this situation because while the OP's wife appears to have many advantages , she is also living in fear of a tyrannical and selfish husband. Maybe she's purposely reneging on the agreements they set as a way rebelling. It could also be that she is adjusting to the idea of being a traditional wife when she always had her own income. I know that I went through a period where I was floored by my new life because I always had a career.

[BettyDraper]

Oldtimer, again, thanks for your inputs.

I didn't understand your anecdote however, I never laid a hand on my wife and never will. I do not berate her, and cuss her for not doing what I expect her to. I don't call my wife a s*(&$ for sleeping with other men.

As for Alpha, they lead, PROVIDE and protect their pack.

You have some great truths in what you post, but you shouldn't make assumptions on who I am/do because of a few pages.

A monument to myself because I want someone who lives with me to remain attractive and take care of the home better?

Covert contract? Like we got married, and woke up one day expecting this and that?! There was nothing COVERT about what I wanted for marriage.

I have an amazing life, and have no desire to spent it with someone who likes to play the lottery with feelings, how to live, where to be, what to do etc... I know EXACTLY what I want, and told her so.

Look, until the child came along, everything was great.

And while we are both loving the parents side of things, it's husband/wife dynamic which has taken a serious hit.

You don't think I tried the nice approach over and over?

I am here because I've had enough. But judging from some of the posts, as long as my baby isn't convulsing from lack of nutrition, and my wife has a working vagina, I should love her for who she is..yay, happy marriage.

Sorry, I just have higher standards than that.

 

I wouldn't say a word if she got her hot body back, that would solve the attraction/sex issue. As for doing more around the house, I want her to feel tired/exhausted at the end of the day, just like I am.

I want to feel like she is giving a lot of herself to this family (kid + HUSBAND) and feeling like like is rewarding, but tough.

That's because that's how I feel when I think of marriage/raising kids.

She's doing great with the kid, but other than that... it's been downhill.

Some women (clearly not all) are able to do that + look good + clean the house +...+... yes it's tough, but I want to see tough.

I didn't marry someone that feels empowered at the end of Eat, Pray, Love. Or someone that's out there to prove something to this male-dominate world. Some of the lovely traditional ladies who shared me some of their marriages are a testament to that, and I hope that my wife and I can get to that. I'm now seeing I have some big changes to make, particularly how I approach the situation I guess (less strict, maybe more diplomatic)

Again, it's a question of expectations/standards.

 

But I love her as a person, she's amazing, and I never wanted someone else. She might be an amazing girlfriend (the best ever) but not a housewife.

That's what I want out of marriage, a housewife, and she understood that.

I want a housewife that will take care of me, the house, and the kids.

In return, I will offer her the goddman universe.

Now, don't want to do chores? I'll get the house-help. Don't want to be with a baby all day? I'll hire a nanny. But then she needs to work and become an income-provider for the family, then I won't expect anything from her in relation to the housewife role/duties.

 

Let's see...she was much calmer today after venting on the messages yesterday. Apologised for saying she has 0 respect for me, that she of course does, but doesn't to ever feel like I can kick her out of the house.

Told her I wouldn't, unless she cheated, the one thing I will never forgive.

She wants to go back to work, says it was much better then...(also a little jab effort to make her feel like she would have something to fall on should I decide to kick her out again).

Going back to work means she will be stimulated by other people, conversing, making her own $$$ again, and I know we'll be right back to having an amazing time together again.

As I said MANY times now, as a couple, we have 0 problems, we stick like glue.

But, With a 1.5 year old, I'm not too happy about that.

It goes against what I wanted for my son, I wanted him to have a SAHM.

I would like her to wait until he turns 3, and starts to go to school, then I don't mind the part-time work at all, it'll be good for her and the family.

I asked her about counselling....she said YOU should go.

 

Why do you feel so threatened by feminists and women who have strong opinions? I think that you don't want your wife to have a career because it means you will have more control over her. My husband and I do not agree with many aspects of feminism but he is also secure enough to understand that women are not chattel. He doesn't treat me like a trained seal and I wouldn't stand for that. My husband earned my submission and position as head of our household by being a provider who cares about my feelings and needs. Not every man can do that because power often corrupts. I've had other men try to force me to submit to them but it never worked because they were monsters who thought women were slaves. They also did not want to be providers yet they had the nerve to expect the perks of a traditional relationship. I always chewed up those losers and spit them out.

 

You and your wife should not have become parents. It's ridiculous that you truly expected everything to go back to what it was before your son was born. Everyone says that childfree couples are sooo immature and selfish but at least we're smart enough to realize what we don't want for our lives and we plan accordingly. We don't bring children into the world and then expect our marriages and lives to stay the same. That would be foolish. There's nothing you can do now because your beloved son is already here. Be an example of how a man should treat a woman to your son or amicably divorce. Even at his young age, your baby can feel the tension in your household and rest assured that it is affecting him even though he cannot articulate those feelings.

[Satu]

The OP seems to be completely unwilling to examine his part in why this marriage isn't working.

 

His part in it is exactly 50%.

 

But he can't see that.

[ShatteredLady]

She's saying that she's lost at the moment. She's clearly depressed & needs far more emotionally than he is capable of giving.

 

I've travelled the world & lived abroad. I've met many people in my life. I have NEVER met anyone who hasn't had struggles & times of need. She's lost her Dad & clearly feels very vulnerable & alone. She is not safe with her husband. He is cold & could dump her any minute & he makes sure that she knows this!!

 

I just don't think that he's mature enough to be married. His poor baby better be perfect!! Teenage angst & he's going to be out on the street. I've had broken friends with fathers like that.

 

Grow a heart & grow-up. Therapy might help but he seems too arrogant.

[CarrieT]

Here is what I predict....

 

There will be some sort of emotional band-aid put on the marriage until such time that the child can go off to pre-school and the wife can get a job.

 

She will then start interacting with other people who will treat her differently and she will see there is a world of other possibilities out there. She will then have either an Emotional or Physical Affair with someone at work. Someone who treats her with respect and makes her feel sexy again.

 

And in the process, she will find out that the OP has also been perusing Tinder for chicks and accuse him of also cheating.

 

They will both have checked out of the marriage and a divorce will ensue.

[Satu]

If someone loses attraction to their partner, it happens for a reason.

 

In reality, it will be more than one reason, and these reasons will be generated by both parties. It's never about just one of them.

[BaileyB]

It is good that OP has read and understood some of what has been posted. However, I still don't think he is ready to accept his role and responsibility in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

I think you fail to recognize that even women who are in traditional marriages have posted in this discussion that your behavior is unacceptable, and would be unacceptable in their marriages. Hear that!

 

And yeah, do you think that your mom was not entirely happy throughout her marriage to your father - especially considering the fact that he cheated several times?? I think you have a very warped view of what your parents marriage was like... And I would imagine that your perception of your mother's experience in the marriage was far from her feeling of the actual experience. No doubt, she was a very strong woman as you have claimed, to have raised children who loved her and stayed with a man who it seems, didn't treat her as a wife and mother should have been treated!

 

It is said that men have sex to fall in love, and women fall in love to have sex. No doubt, she is not motivated to look attractive and be sexual with you when you have treated her with such blatant disrespect and distain. Frankly, I'm impressed that she is still agreeing to have sex with you at all...

 

I would like to see someone tell you constantly what they "demand" you do, then judge how you fail to measure up, and then threaten and and put you down for your lack of effort. I would like to see how you would react if someone blamed you, told you that the problem was you because what they expected was not unreasonable, and then told you to "man up" and do what you were supposed to do. I can only imagine how you would react if the roles were reversed.

 

For the sake of your child, I hope you can reach an amicable separation/divorce.

 

Although, I have no doubt that you will find another hot, young girl who will give you what you want until she put on some weight and you start to demand of her and treat her badly... At which point, you will probably leave her too in search of someone else.

 

For someone who claims to want a traditional marriage, you really have no idea what marriage is really all about.

[BettyDraper]

Here is what I predict....

 

There will be some sort of emotional band-aid put on the marriage until such time that the child can go off to pre-school and the wife can get a job.

 

She will then start interacting with other people who will treat her differently and she will see there is a world of other possibilities out there. She will then have either an Emotional or Physical Affair with someone at work. Someone who treats her with respect and makes her feel sexy again.

 

And in the process, she will find out that the OP has also been perusing Tinder for chicks and accuse him of also cheating.

 

They will both have checked out of the marriage and a divorce will ensue.

 

You are probably right.

 

I knew a man who had a younger and more attractive wife. He married her because she could barely speak English, she was naive and she lived to serve him. When his wife decided that she wanted to go to school, her husband vetoed that decision because he didn't want her to meet another man and leave him. He also wouldn't allow her to visit her home country for the same reason.

 

Some men seek out women they can isolate because they have control issues. It's sickening.

 

Like I said, the OP knows that if his wife starts working, she will have her own money and she may come to find out how much better off without him she will be.

[Ladiesdispare]

I cant believe what I have just read.

 

Your wife is a wonderful woman who gave up her job, and by the sounds of it put a large ball and chain on her leg.

 

This woman is not your mother and things are not what they used to be in the 1950's .

 

Morals, exceptions and women's rights have certainly changed.

 

I sit here writing this as a woman who has just lost the love of her life while being in the fittest shape I have ever been in and a high sex drive.

 

It does not matter what you look like on the outside, it helps but Love is love and when you love someone deeply you should respect them for who they are and not what you want them to be.

[Fight0rFlight]

haha...I didn't want have to post something again for a while but I would suggest some of you re-align those crystal balls?

 

I met my wife at work, she was a flight attendant working her butt off. After 8 years with several airlines, she came home crying one night from the overtime she was doing, and I told her, tomorrow, you resign, the stress of the job ain't worth it, told her I'd take care of her, and she did.

Since then...for few years until the kid came along, I asked her if she wanted to do other jobs, but she said no, she was happy chilling and taking care of me.

She wants to get into psychology once the kid is older(hey, I'm good practice!), think I have a problem with that?

I support my wife in any endeavour she wishes to partake.

2 conditions: look hot, take care of the home/kid.

 

I'm not a little insecure man who's trying to enslave his woman in a dungeon. Emotional affair? Darling, if I don't make you happy, there's the door. No ball and chain here. Physical affair? Better call the coroner. I love my wife, that's why I'm on here, and eventually MC.

 

If I wanted that Tinder girl, or that hot young girl, I'd end this now and have truckloads of women waiting for me.

[BettyDraper]

haha...I didn't want have to post something again for a while but I would suggest some of you re-align those crystal balls?

 

I met my wife at work, she was a flight attendant working her butt off. After 8 years with several airlines, she came home crying one night from the overtime she was doing, and I told her, tomorrow, you resign, the stress of the job ain't worth it, told her I'd take care of her, and she did.

Since then...for few years until the kid came along, I asked her if she wanted to do other jobs, but she said no, she was happy chilling and taking care of me.

She wants to get into psychology once the kid is older(hey, I'm good practice!), think I have a problem with that?

I support my wife in any endeavour she wishes to partake.

2 conditions: look hot, take care of the home/kid.

 

I'm not a little insecure man who's trying to enslave his woman in a dungeon. Emotional affair? Darling, if I don't make you happy, there's the door. No ball and chain here. Physical affair? Better call the coroner. I love my wife, that's why I'm on here, and eventually MC.

 

If I wanted that Tinder girl, or that hot young girl, I'd end this now and have truckloads of women waiting for me.

 

Your behavior does not befit a man who is in love with his wife.

So what should your wife do about your threats of other women?

What's stopping you from starting MC immediately?

[BaileyB]

Truckloads of women? I hope not.

 

No doubt, you will find women who may be initially attracted to the attention and money you will throw at them. But any woman of substance will see you for what you are...

 

You will either Learn from this experience or you won't. It's up to you.

 

But when you die, will it matter how many hot women you bang, or how much money you have? Or will it matter that you lived a life with integrity? That you treated others well, with kindness and humility? That you were the kind of husband and father that your family admired, respected, and loved?

 

Good luck to you. Be kind to your wife - remember, she is your son's mother. Hurt her and you hurt your son. And, spend more time with your son. Every other day is not enough. He will grow to resent you for the time that you don't spend with him and the way that you disrespect his mother.

 

Take care.

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB

[oldshirt]

I just did exactly what my Dad did, but my mom was just made of a different cut. And i'm sure now, despite their ongoing 35+ year marriage, she wasn't always happy. Especially when my Dad cheated repeatedly.

I really thought I would do things different, but at the same time, I really don't feel like I was asking the world from her.

 

.

 

Go to you tube and pull up the video titled, "Saving Private Ryan, Gripes Go Up" and Tom Hanks will explain why you think your mom was such a paragon of motherly virtue and traditional gender roles.

 

The truth likely is you mother hates the very air your father breathes and is either spitting on his grave on we speak if he has passed or she is counting down the days till his ticker stops and she can dance on his casket.

 

It's not that she was such a Madonna that she embraced her traditional role with such dedication and enthusiasm. It's that she didn't gripe to you. You were just clueless to her misery. You were raised in that environment so you see it as normal and that it was embraced.

 

The chances are she was likely browbeat, disenfranchised and broken down until she just endured it until the last breath escapes from his lungs.

 

Watch the video mentioned above and Tom Hanks will explain it to you. Gripes go up.

 

Gripes go up the chain of command not down. Mothers do not gripe to their children.

 

You were likely so wrapped up in your own stuff, you didn't notice the abuse and domination that she endured.

 

She did you a disservice by tolerating his mistreatment and did you a disservice by allowing you to think it was ok. This is why abuse, neglect and maltreatment are multi-generational.

[oldshirt]

 

 

This would be so easy without the little one, but we are both adamant in being amazing parents, and have decided to be nice to each other, but I think we are headed for a divorce.

.

 

If you are both dedicated to being good parents, there is no reason you each can't be from your own separate homes.

[oldshirt]

.

 

 

I spent the last few days thinking about whether or not I could compromise... I could just get a full-time housekeeper to keep the house as I like it, but can't imagine her not making it a priority to look hot for me.

It's selfish maybe, but I don't cheat, and will therefore be just miserable.

 

.

 

The way I see it, there are 3 things you want a woman for -

 

- cleaning the house.

 

-raising the child.

 

- looking hot and providing sex.

 

I don't see why all 3 of those things can' be farmed out to actual professionals.

 

 

I don't think it will cost you any more than trying to rely on a SAHM.

 

You don't have to feed, clothe, provide medical care or house any of those professionals. You can contract out all those services and specify how you want them to provide it.

 

And if they don't measure up to your expectations, you can relieve and replace them at any time.

 

Some people simply aren't marriage and family material. There is no shame or foul in that in as long as everyone knows what is expected of them and as long as everyone is treated fairly and respectfully.