Uneven Marriage. me fight the resentment before it becomes unsalvageable

[ShatteredLady]

Out of interest, did she cuss you out when she found you on Tinder? You didn't do that while she was pregnant did you? OMG!! That would of broken my heart!

 

Does she hold resentment for that? Did you REALLY talk about it?

 

You might not believe in soul mates & all that stuff but most women hate the idea of being easily replaceable. Love & romance means a lot to me & many women I know....Much more than money!!

[Gemma1]

I would love to hear her side of this story, but given just what you have written, I agree that she's not holding up her end of the bargain.

 

I have a 1.5 year old son, and my H and I still do a lot of fun stuff. Like you, he has a lot of money and it helps that we can always afford sitters, so I'm not saying that ALL relationships can be like ours. But we travel about 40% of the year (kid's been on around 30 flights, driven cross country three times, camped on a mountaintop, kayaked rivers). We're sitting in the middle of tent city at a Phish festival in Colorado as I'm typing this. Do you guys go on trips together, like you did when you were single? You can still do SO much of the traveling and adventuring you did when you were single, even after having a kid. You might have to go on milder adventures when you have the kid, but if you can afford sitters, you can also do things with your wife alone. I think it might really help you guys connect - by doing things you did when you were first dating.

 

My H and I have sex every day, even starting 2.5 weeks after the kid was born. I have a great kid but he woke up every 1.5 hours for the first 9 months of his life, and I did all night feedings (in fact almost all childcare when he was a baby). Still had sex every day. I'm not saying every wife should do this, but come on...it's not that hard to do (barring health issues).

 

And I am NOT superwoman. In fact I think I am a very lazy person mostly. I just made a huge effort to keep my priorities straight. That being said, I have not held up my end of my relationship either. There have been some major things I've said I'd do and haven't done, so I completely understand her end as well. Adjusting to being a STAHM after working all your life is a big deal, and it affected me in ways I never expected.

 

That being said, a good marriage is ALL about what you make a priority. It sounds like she's not making your priories her priorities. Maybe she has priorities that you aren't aware you're ignoring as well, so it could be a vicious cycle of resentment going on here. And maybe she knows, deep down, she's disappointing herself, and she's responding to that in a negative way that doesn't help either of you. I think you should try to figure out the answers to those two questions before you throw in the towel.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Gemma1

[Satu]

The OP needs to learn the difference between a partnership and a dictatorship.

 

Think about this phrase, and what it means:

 

 

"Love allows."

 

 

As your wife, she also has the right to make and change the rules.

 

A big part of your problem is your inflexibility.

 

If you were to stop trying to force your marriage to conform to your rigid idea of what you think it should be, it might become something even better, what it's really meant to be.

 

 

Uncoil; you're as tight as whipcord.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

You dismissed my first post, but perhaps I should add that I have been a SAHM (and carer to our disabled child) for 20 years.

 

How did I tough out the first years? It was hard. Really hard. The lonliness and isolation I felt was intense. But I was also depressed (undiagnosed at that point), so I didn't want to go out. The one thing which really got me through was that my husband is great company and he'd always be *there* for me. For us. He was (and still is) my rock. Of course he worked, but he made sure to not do extraordinary hours or travel.

 

I can't help but wonder if your wife's lethargy is due to depression. I know that I could barely function during that time.

 

You talk a lot about what you can give your wife in monetary terms and freedom to pursue her interests...but that's all clinical stuff. Can you tell us more about the emotional support you give her? You do know that it's the emotional connection which makes a woman want to have sex with you, yes?

 

Lastly, respect is earned and must be continued to be earned. One can't simply expect to be respected just because.

[Futuramafangirl]

Since you claim to follow the Biblical model, have you read these verses?

 

Husband's love your wives as Christ love the church and gave Himself up for her

 

Submit to one another in love out of reverence for Christ

 

Also, where in this model is search dating/hookup websites okay?

 

You are not a godly husband, but a selfish one.

[BettyDraper]

Reading the OP's "I only want to hear from men" caveat makes me think that he subconsciously believes that women are not worth listening to. Maybe his wife is picking up on that attitude.

[BettyDraper]

Since you claim to follow the Biblical model, have you read these verses?

 

Husband's love your wives as Christ love the church and gave Himself up for her

 

Submit to one another in love out of reverence for Christ

 

Also, where in this model is search dating/hookup websites okay?

 

You are not a godly husband, but a selfish one.

 

Unfortunately, many men use Biblical arguments only when it suits them.

They erroneously believe that traditional means "doormat."

That is not what is written in the Bible.

[BaileyB]

It seems as though you have read oldshirts post and considered it somewhat. However, it also seems as thought you have decided "it's my way or the highway." That's unfortunate. I don't know many women who want to live under a dictatorship. Your inflexibility and inability to consider anyone's opinion but your own will not serve you well, in this or any other relationship. It seems, you are destined to learn that the hard way.

 

Love is inspired and respect is earned. Ask yourself what you are doing to earn her love and respect right now.

 

And ask yourself what your child will think when they grow up and learn that you broke up their family because life wasn't fun anymore. You broke up the family because your wife had gained a few pounds and wouldn't have sex with you more than once a week. Will that earn the respect and admiration of your child?

Edited September 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

And to add, don't go to marriage counselling if you are selfishly expecting the counsellor to tell your wife all the things she should be doing better to fix the problems in your marriage. Don't go to marriage counselling unless you are willing to hear some hard truths about yourself and ready to change the things that you are doing to contribute to the problems in your marriage.

 

Rather, save your money for spousal and child support...

Edited September 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[Dolfin80]

Where is the love?

 

Divorce her so she can find a man who loves her.

 

Marriage without love is stupid.

[OneLov]

Since you claim to follow the Biblical model, have you read these verses?

 

Husband's love your wives as Christ love the church and gave Himself up for her

 

Submit to one another in love out of reverence for Christ

 

Also, where in this model is search dating/hookup websites okay?

 

You are not a godly husband, but a selfish one.

 

The Bible's not the best source to look for passages that speak of gender equality. Actually, it's objectively sexist.

 

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." (1 Timothy 2:12)

 

^^^not only must she sit down, but she must shut up too.

 

"So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go." (Judges 19:25)

 

^^^good ol' fashion humiliation with this biblical gang rape

 

 

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (Ephesians 5:22)

 

 

^^^Does it get anymore straightforward than this?

 

 

I think the Bible is the last thing OP needs to read for help with this issue.

Edited September 3, 2016 by OneLov

[Fight0rFlight]

Thanks again for all your inputs, good or bad, I am listening.

 

Okay, so the issue with forums is that it's very hard to encompass the entire back-story. 5 amazing years with someone are not going to be summed up on a few pages. I came to LoveShack because I had a problem, my understanding of what I envisioned my wife's duties/role to be, and the reality have been different. So much so that's it's caused a lot of strain in our marriage, and has just pissed me the **** off, which is partly the reason I have sounded like a prick at times.

So here's a little back-story that might shed some light and answers some of your questions.

 

Where is the love?

What are you providing your wife with that doesn't cost money? You listed a bunch of stuff that you pay for...but what else?

Do you let her have time to herself and watch the baby without complaining or calling her a lot?

Do you ask her how her day was? Do you listen when she tells you things?

Can you tell us more about the emotional support you give her? You do know that it's the emotional connection which makes a woman want to have sex with you, yes?

She's my best friend, we spend 98% of our time together, and I have never felt like I needed anybody else. I proposed to my wife on the summit of mount Kilimanjaro... just last month, I flew halfway across the globe to surprise her for 24 hours for her birthday, and took her to the best restaurant in her city. we go on tons of date nights, movies etc.. all the time.

I am very talkative, so her and I talk about everything all the time.

As far as the kid goes, she thinks I'm a great father, but don't spend enough time with him. I'm with him almost every other day, but there are times where I come back from work, I have studies so play with him for 10 minutes, kiss, cuddle, laugh.. he's 1.5 years old.

Today, he was with me all day..mall/play area/lunch/visit grandparents.

Had him for 6-7 hours while wife did her ****.

I did not mention the kid/emotional aspects because this is not the issue.

 

 

The OP needs to learn the difference between a partnership and a dictatorship. As your wife, she also has the right to make and change the rules. A big part of your problem is your inflexibility.

Unfortunately, many men use Biblical arguments only when it suits them.

They erroneously believe that traditional means "doormat."

I do not FORCE my wife to do anything.

If you sign a contract with your employer, you can't just wake up one morning and just decide that today you want to work from 12-5.

YOU can do whatever you want, but don't expect work for them very long.

I made myself VERY CLEAR, so CRYSTAL CLEAR about what I expected from my wife. If all I wanted was to hug, kiss, and cuddle in front of the TV, go on adventures, travel and have fun with someone, I would just have a long-term life partner. There are literally millions of women around the world that can fit the bill. Just a few, and reading from these forums, literally a handful that are strong enough to do what I ask of them when it comes to the duties of a wife/mother.

 

Ask yourself what your child will think when they grow up and learn that you broke up their family because life wasn't fun anymore. You broke up the family because your wife had gained a few pounds and wouldn't have sex with you more than once a week. Will that earn the respect and admiration of your child?

My child needs a father and mother that loves him, and the best opportunities to succeed in life. He will get both from me. Living in a home that is toxic and full of resentment is what could also screw him up.

 

Reading the OP's "I only want to hear from men" caveat makes me think that he subconsciously believes that women are not worth listening to. Maybe his wife is picking up on that attitude.

If you actually kept on reading you would have seen I also included women.

Those whose opinion I do not care about are the feminists. I am a man's man, old school... like a wife to be submitted to her husband (that doesn't mean slave, or doormat). A strong woman that's okay with the previous century/1950's idea of marriage where life may suck at times, but you were raised to MAN UP and take it, because you're a strong devoted wife. It's not for everyone, especially in this day and age, but for me it's the only reason I would say until death do us part to someone. Not until I get a better job, or until I wake up and realise I want something else with my life.

 

Also, where in this model is search dating/hookup websites okay?

You are not a godly husband, but a selfish one.

Out of interest, did she cuss you out when she found you on Tinder? You didn't do that while she was pregnant did you? OMG!! That would of broken my heart! Does she hold resentment for that? Did you REALLY talk about it?

I agree, I was wrong to do that. I have never cheated on her, never will.

I am of the reasoning that If I woke up tomorrow wanting other women, I would just divorce her, and then off I would go without any drama.

But, I'm a guy, and because I haven't had a lot of experience with women (3 including my wife), I went on Tinder because I found it fun, especially with the lads. I wasn't on by myself randomly, I was just curious and found it really fun to see that I matched with these super hot girls from uni. It's just an ego boost but also because yeah, that's how my wife looked, and I miss it. I even once told her, I would never, but I did take a look at an escort website. I was just turned on by the hotties "nearby" on it, which looked like my wife a few years ago.

SOMETHING THAT NEEDS CLEARING, the sex going down from 5-6 times per week to once a week, even once every two weeks is not because my wife got pregnant and her hormones/libido has gone down. She's an amazing lover, and very horny thank God. If she wasn't, I would be out of there.

It's because she gained weight, pure fat, lots of cellulite...20 pounds, and it just doesn't turn me on, that's it. I don't care if it hurts her feelings, or 80% of girls reading this feel shocked, that's again who I am, and she knows that.

Maybe that's a reason for the issues too? Because I turn her down for sex?

But I never tell her no because I'm not turned on (wouldn't want to hurt her), but I just make excuses about being tired, or busy, or most of the time, just eat her out till she cums.

Now, while I enjoy when my wife cums over and over, I'm finding it hard to get hard when I'm not as excited. Would you rather I start imagining other women?

I need to have a hot/fit wife, not forever, I'm very visual, not when we're 50, I don't expect a supermodel, but if I used to buy you S lingerie, and now you couldn't fit in some of the M lingerie I bought her on our last anniversary. you need to stop that **** now....

I bought her $4000 of equipment that's rusting, gym memberships, you name it... do you expect me to do the workout for her too?

Now, single mom, 2 jobs, 2-3 kids, no house-help, I get it...

but SAHM, house-help, no job, 1 toddler, and you can't get in shape?

[BettyDraper]

The Bible's not the best source to look for passages that speak of gender equality. Actually, it's objectively sexist.

 

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." (1 Timothy 2:12)

 

^^^not only must she sit down, but she must shut up too.

 

"So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go." (Judges 19:25)

 

^^^good ol' fashion humiliation with this biblical gang rape

 

 

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (Ephesians 5:22)

 

 

^^^Does it get anymore straightforward than this?

 

 

I think the Bible is the last thing OP needs to read for help with this issue.

 

The OP was using the Bible to justify his behavior.

While I agree that the Bible has sexist passages, there are also verses which speak of submitting to EACH OTHER in a marriage and loving a wife in a Godly manner. Biblical submission is not about being abused or treated like garbage. Too many people don't realize that.

[Fight0rFlight]

Anyhow, I spoke to her today, sent her a message.

This is what she had to say!

Bear in mind, last few days have been terrible, haven't slept, went out for drinks with the boys, some cute girl (teacher) at the bar came by, she was being sweet, definitely flirting, part of me wanted to just take her home and *^@ her brains out to get rid of this stress from the past few months.

I felt so ****, pissed off, and just wanted my wife to realise this could be so simple (do more at home, get back in shape, and in 2-3 years when the kid is older, you go back to work, we have an awesome life again!), but at the rate it's going, I feel like I'm going to head to court soon. We both deserve to be happy, and while we had a blast before, maybe parenthood with married life isn't compatible for us both.

It sucks, because I still love her very much, I feel like my heart is tearing when I imagine a life without her in it. But knowing myself, I will MAN up about it, hold back the tears, and try to move on as fast as possible and mask the pain away with hobbies, lots of sex and spending time with my son.

 

For those who need a recap from the original post, we hadn't spoken in a week after I found out she was chatting with some guy on FB (an old gay friend) and lied about it telling me it's one of her girlfriends.

I flipped out, baaaaaaaaaad. Grabbed a suitcase, started to pack some of her clothes, and told her she needed to sleep somewhere else tonight, maybe to that guy's house. She refused, so I grabbed some instead, and went to a nearby hotel for the night.

 

Here's how the conversation went, it ain't pretty:

H: Are you happy to continue living like this?

W: No

H: What do you suggest we do about it then?

W: I will go back to work

H: Do you think that will solve the issue of you lying to me?

W: I apologised.

I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't want any drama or tension. We are both grown ups and parents to our son.

H: If I met Julia (old school friend) in a mall...went to see her mom with our son, chatting...then she adds me on Facebook, I accept it..chat on the sofa at night and you came home from work...studying...and came to give me a kiss and you asked who it was and I said it was Micheal. I would love to see how you would have behaved...

W: I would be pissed off...but I wouldn't definitely kick you out of the house. I wouldn't swear that you're a ****ing cunt and bitch or ****ing idiot the next day. I wouldn't definately make you feel that you don't belong and never belonged to this house...because it's yours. But that's me, i'm different.

This is how you deal with me, and I understood very well this time.

H:...really? Did you actually go out?

If it was so, why didn't you leave when I asked you to?

W: Because I have a son, and I would never leave without my son. NEVER.

H: I was very angry because you hurt me, and I certainly didn't deserve it.

W:I know that it hurt you that I lied. Doesn't matter if it was in panic or in far. I lied and that's a fact. I don't argue about it at all.

But no...you went too far, I'm sorry.

And this will never change..it's just the way you are, and I don't feel safe anymore. And i Don't think that's right or okay. Maybe for you yes.

I have enough threats with Tinder...or bitches..or escorts. I just can't.

I don't blame you, you know that I love but I realised I can't cope with that.

I was never good enough for you.

If it comes on our son, not good enough, if it comes on the household, not good enough, if comes on looking hot, not good enough.

I don't want any arguments...our son doesn't deserve it.

You told me once...we will always make things right and not nasty.

I am not a bitch despite what you think of me. I would never go against the father of my child, no matter what happens between us.

H: Well...I don't know what to think now. But we need a plan...

you can't tell me I can't cope..I'm never good enough..and then pretend everything is fine, let's move on.

I had an insanely busy month at work, trying to please my family with a surprise visit on your birthday, holidays in Sri Lanka...and I get a wife that lies to me and then decide to go out in a hot dress I haven't seen her wear in years. Are you saying you want a divorce?

W: I went to see a friend... (picture with friend, it's girl we know)

H: We need to sort this out now, between important work deadline and uni exams, I need to be able to concentrate. We need to find a solution, because I can't concentrate in this current toxic environment.

W: It will sort out. I am looking for work. I am not nasty or rude to you. So please don't be as well.

You want to say it's my fault, I lied, I'm not a good wife..I don't care anymore.

You don't realise anything, cannot even face me but talking to me on phone.

H: We will talk when I come home

W: You removed your wedding ring, you removed me from FB, you ignored me for a week...and I'm supposed to be okay. You're extreme!

H: Why wear a wedding ring when the love of my life meets men while I am at work..and lie to me about it. Facebook? So I can see your gay old friend?..I didn't ignore anything..you didn't even try to understand how you made me feel. Just saying sorry like you forgot to get groceries on the way home. Anyways...you don't care anymore except for your son. I get it.

W:I sent you plenty of messages asking you to come back home.

You didn't. And he's gay, thank God. And good person but yes I lied from panic and I regret it.

But either way...you handle it way to far, and wrong

I begged you thousand times to stop and talk to me normally

I used to cry a lot, you saw me suffer and you liked it

That's juts not normal...

I am sorry, you have a huge feeling to make revenge

If I would go for revenge with how many times you ****ed up or disappointed me, we wouldn't married hell of a long time ago.

I have 0 respect for you...you would never behave like that if my father was alive, you know there is nobody who can protect me

And even you are a great man and father, you take advantage of me and put in a position that i am 0

Otherwise, you would never tried to kick me out of the house.

If you think about it for one minute, you will understand why I live in fear in this house...call me a victim as you like to do.

Butt I understand I hurt you... I did. There was nothing that I could do about it...you didn't let me explain. I understand your point of view, you work hard, you try to please this family..but for you, it's not enough what I'm giving to this family.

I didn't meet your expectations but I am not sorry anymore...

as i said, I'm really lost right now...and want to get back on my feet.

Just one thing, I would never cheat on you...with any man.

Even if it crossed your mind. I believe you know me after 5 year, I love my family more than anything in the world.

 

I haven't said anything since...

My parents and friends have called, asking what's up. Haven't said anything yet...still trying to figure out how to deal with this.

Does anyone think marriage counselling is still worth it?

or should I as someone said...save my money on child support.

[OneLov]

The OP was using the Bible to justify his behavior.

While I agree that the Bible has sexist passages, there are also verses which speak of submitting to EACH OTHER in a marriage and loving a wife in a Godly manner. Biblical submission is not about being abused or treated like garbage. Too many people don't realize that.

 

I agree. It's a great source to justify sexism. That is why I recommended he not rely on it. Women are objectively treated as chattel in the Bible. The Bible also instructs a man to be good to his slaves. Here's one from the New Testament.

 

"For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels." (I Corinthians 11:7-10)

 

Doesn't this make the pecking order clear according to the Good Book? I'm not saying the Bible is offensive because it's stories are a product of its time. And the patriarchal societies that subscribed to its beliefs reflected the same.

 

OP needs to realize no woman was created for his benefit. He needs to begin treating her more of his equal and show her some respect. That does not include pulling hotties to stroke his ego.

[RecentChange]

Yikes, I can't imagine how a woman as strong, vibrant and adventurous as you have described who ever sign up for a dictatorship where divorce is the immediate option if she DARED to back talk.

 

And you - I like you. I love freedom and adventure, one of the many reasons I don't have children - I knew it's a life style that I don't want.

 

I guess you didn't realize what lays ahead.

 

That having a kid changes things. That strong women want to be a partner, not treated like a subordinate.

 

I don't know maybe this will all work out - but for her sake, I am not rooting for that out come.

[understand50]

Fight0rFlight,

 

Wow, where to begin. I have been married for over 40 years, and I can tell you that nether my wife or I are the same after all these years. Nether has the "duties" in our marriage been the same. In the beginning, she made more money and supported us while I went to school. I am and always working, but there have been times, she was the main share of the money in the marriage. Later she became a house wife and was there for our children. (BTW, I think children really need a parent home when they are teenagers, work when they are young.) Point is we were and are a team, and have faced life as such.

 

You seem to see this as "what is in it for me", and if the balance is off, well I should just leave. I think this is deep in your personality, and I would be surprised if you could change now. In the end you will pick up on one of those "tinder" women, have a fling, because you feel entitled, and your marriage will break up and your kids and former wife and lover, suffer.

 

Look, your wife is giving her all in raising the kids. This is a tough job, and you should acknowledge it. If you want a better and different marriage, the only thing you can change is yourself. Work on being a better husband and lover then the "relationship" CEO. Change yourself, and see how she responses. Complaints about what she does, is just not worth it. What are you doing to make this better, past going out with your friends and seeing how many girls" you can get on tinder? I have some links that may help you.

 

Relationships & Family | The Art of Manliness

 

A real man does not give up on his wife and lover, but works to support her and their relationship as it does and will change during time. Life is never in balance, and one has to always give more, to receive much.

 

I wish you luck....

[xxoo]

Hey Oldshirt, thank you so much for your posts.

 

As I was reading through your excellent write-up, I really felt like you were reading my mind.

Ï spent all of last night reading through these forums, as well as several articles online. I think I'm going to give counselling a try, because I am honestly at a loss as to what to do next.

If anything, just allow for a medium, and a filtered communication between two parties.

 

I see two potential problems:

1) you spoke so eloquently about how married life/parenthood has drastically changed things for you, you were 38. Issue is, I don't think I'm ready to give up that life just yet. Sounds like a nightmare if you ask me...to have worked this hard and to get where I am when we can afford to do pretty much anything we want, and instead I get to come home to someone who doesn't seem to be pulling their weight, doesn't turn me on as much, and that I don't seem to satisfy. **** that...why not just pull the plug and go back to being awesome? I don't understand how raising a single child with a SAHM puts a wrench in that lifestyle.

I mean is that what is has to come to?

Where I should be happy because my wife blows me on my anniversary, or has sex once a week, or because as long as dishes aren't reaching the ceiling, or the baby looks like he is fed?! What is the point in that? Why live like this, especially when you have a choice?!

I don't think i'm asking for much to say go to the gym, stop eating ****, keep tabs on the house until the kid's old enough, you have help, you got $, I take you out anytime we can... man the **** up.

 

2) Something seemed to have been misunderstood.

I am an alpha male. When it comes to marriage, I follow the biblical/religious idea of the roles of man in the household.

In this day and age, I'm not everyone cup of tea, I don't care how society thinks it should be, that's how I am, the rules are written in BOLD print on the package.

I would do anything for my wife, as long I get respect. 5 years together, she has only ever cussed me once. When she did, I almost had the divorce papers ready... I will never EVER take that ****.

Similarly, I will defend my wife's honour no matter the outcome, and push her to reach any of her goals.

(she wants to study psychology, I will pay for her studies, wants to climb Everest, $70000 I will take care of that, wants this exact home, she will get it...whatever she wants to achieve in her life, I will do my absolute best to help her get it, that's because she's my wife, and it's my duty as a husband).

I made it VERY CLEAR, if you get married, you will stop working, and you will raise our kid well until he's old enough.

She said, I will take care of you, the house, the kid, everything don't worry.

Of course, easier said than done, which is why I got her house help that comes to the dishes/ironing/dusting/cleaning,...ALL the house chores.

 

If all that means to you, I am not ready for marriage or married life, then I hope with some MC, I can see that for myself.

I love coming home to a wife and kid, and building a life together.

I do not believe in the whole soulmate BS, I think there are thousands and thousands of people you can live an amazing happy life with.

For me, life's about having fun, laughing every day, and knocking lines of the endless bucket list. Can't wait to do that with my kid when he's a little older, I'm loving fatherhood, but maybe you are right, I had a completely wrong idea about married life? But if so, I'm 32, it ain't too late to change course.

 

Read Oldshirt's post again. He talks about responsive desire, and how the man's attitude affects the wife's desire.

 

Your attitude in this post is an absolute turn off. You speak of your wife in a critical and demanding tone, and as a tyrant to fear instead of a leader to respect.

 

You haven't earned her respect as a husband and a father. No wonder she's lost interest in sex.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I don't think i'm asking for much to say go to the gym, stop eating ****, keep tabs on the house until the kid's old enough, you have help, you got $, I take you out anytime we can... man the **** up.

 

 

 

She said, I will take care of you, the house, the kid, everything don't worry.

Of course, easier said than done, which is why I got her house help that comes to the dishes/ironing/dusting/cleaning,...ALL the house chores.

 

kid when he's a little older, I'm loving fatherhood, but maybe you are right, I had a completely wrong idea about married life? But if so, I'm 32, it ain't too late to change course.

 

You bring up several different issues, I will break this up into a few segments.

 

I do strongly urge you to get MC to see if you can work through some of these issues, but I can save you some time and money right off the bat and give you a preliminary diagnosis -

 

- you have a real bad, rip-roaring case of what is known as "Covert Contracts."

 

You can look up the term for the full explanation but in a nutshell a 'covert contract' is where you have an assumption and an expectation on what someone will do based on what you are doing for them.

 

In otherwords, way deep inside of you, you believe that since you are so awesome and working so hard and are so driven by excellence in the things that you do for her and do for your family - you assume and expect that she will be as equally driven and ambitious to provide you with the things you want out of the bargain.

 

The problem is this deal was never fully discussed and agreed upon and not only that, she is a completely different person with a completely different set of goals and expectations and agendas.

 

Yes, yes yes, I understand she agreed to be a SAHM and take care of the babe and the house. But she did not agree to meet your level of expectation and your level of ambition and drive and determination in fulfilling those roles.

 

You conjured those up in your imagination and in your dreams.

 

You see, all people have different levels of performance and different levels of ambition and drive and determination.

 

She may have agreed to take care of the child and the house. Is the child fed every day and changed when dirty and is up to date on all his shots and gets taken to the Dr for scheduled check ups and vaccinations and taken in to be seen when he is sick? Does she cuddle him and smooch him and comforts him when he has a nightmare?

 

If yes, then she is fulfilling her role as a mother. The fact that she isn't reading every parenting book ever written, traveling the country attending parenting seminars and spending 18 hours a day completely devoting herself to being the biggest, brightest most awesomest and revered mother on the planet is YOUR hang up and issue, not hers.

 

You have Covert Contracted her to pursue her role to the degree and the level of ambition and determination that you pursue your professional ambitions and success. And you have become resentful and bitter that she hasn't hunkered down and achieved your level of awesomeness as a mother that you have as a corporate executive (or whatever it is that you do professionally)

 

She agreed to be a SAHM and house keeper. She is doing that. She just isn't doing it to your level of expectation.

 

MC will help peel back layers and further examine whatever other covert contracts you have and how to bring them to the table for actual discussion.

 

Perhaps there are various ways you two can come to agreements and can arrive at things where you each can meet each others expectations and areas that are ok to fudge a little so that the resentments and bitterness don't fester.

[oldshirt]

2) Something seemed to have been misunderstood.

I am an alpha male.

 

I would do anything for my wife, as long I get respect.

(she wants to study psychology, I will pay for her studies, wants to climb Everest, $70000 I will take care of that, wants this exact home, she will get it...whatever she wants to achieve in her life, I will do my absolute best to help her get it, that's because she's my wife, and it's my duty as a husband).

I .

 

I think you may want to reexamine where the misunderstanding lays. You say you are an alpha male, yet the things you describe that you do for her are actually beta.

 

Beta is providing comfort and support. Paying for education. Paying for travel and buying houses etc etc is beta.

 

Don't get me wrong, those are nice perks and probably the only reason she has stayed with you this long. But don't thump your chest about being an alpha dog and then list off a laundry list of beta behaviors.

 

This ties back in with the covert contracts. You are providing her with these perks and in return you are demanding respect and awe. Now she may dig the nice house and appreciate her bills getting picked up, but her actual respect may be a completely different story.

 

More on that in next post.

[oldshirt]

 

I see two potential problems:

1) you spoke so eloquently about how married life/parenthood has drastically changed things for you, you were 38. Issue is, I don't think I'm ready to give up that life just yet. Sounds like a nightmare if you ask me...to have worked this hard and to get where I am when we can afford to do pretty much anything we want, and instead I get to come home to someone who doesn't seem to be pulling their weight, doesn't turn me on as much, and that I don't seem to satisfy. **** that...why not just pull the plug and go back to being awesome? I don't understand how raising a single child with a SAHM puts a wrench in that lifestyle.

I mean is that what is has to come to?

Where I should be happy because my wife blows me on my anniversary, or has sex once a week, or because as long as dishes aren't reaching the ceiling, or the baby looks like he is fed?! What is the point in that? Why live like this, especially when you have a choice?!

I don't think i'm asking for much to say go to the gym, stop eating ****, keep tabs on the house until the kid's old enough, you have help, you got $, I take you out anytime we can... man the **** up.

I would do anything for my wife, as long I get respect. 5 years together, she has only ever cussed me once. When she did, I almost had the divorce papers ready... I will never EVER take that ****.

 

 

 

help her get it, that's because she's my wife, and it's my duty as a husband).

I made it VERY CLEAR, if you get married, you will stop working, and you will raise our kid well until he's old enough.

 

If all that means to you, I am not ready for marriage or married life, then I hope with some MC, I can see that for myself.

 

 

 

I do not believe in the whole soulmate BS, I think there are thousands and thousands of people you can live an amazing happy life with.

 

 

For me, life's about having fun, laughing every day, and knocking lines of the endless bucket list. Can't wait to do that with my kid when he's a little older, I'm loving fatherhood, but maybe you are right, I had a completely wrong idea about married life? But if so, I'm 32, it ain't too late to change course.

 

 

Now lets talk about respect to a little more depth.

 

Read the words you have written above.

 

Does that show a deep respect and reverence for the woman you have chosen out of 3 billion other women to develop the life of your offspring in her body and nourish them by the milk of her breast?

 

Does this show awe and admiration and appreciation of partner you chose to be your life partner, to share your name and your home and bring into your family and to meld her family with yours?

 

(I am not going to get into any kind of theological debate, but isn't this what the biblical version of husband and wife should look like?)

 

Now in reading your words and your description of your wife and how you see her - do you see any respect at all???

 

Or do you see a mere conscript that was brought in to perform a service under the guise of a contract (a mostly covert contract at that) and for whom you feel and believe is completely replaceable if the services are not up to your expectations and for whom you feel overt contempt, disappointment and resentment?

 

How on earth can she have any shred of respect for you, when she is mere dog poop in the treads of your shoes that must scrub your floors to your expectations of shine or she will be spat upon and cast out?

 

Respect is a funny thing. It can not be bought. It can not be demanded. It can not be threatened. It can not be instilled through punishment.

 

Those things can instill fear and an avoidance of consequences, but they cannot instill actual respect and honor and admiration.

 

I suspect that marriage and a home and a family and offspring are not truly in your heart. I think they are mere conveniences for you to keep up appearances and to show off to say that you have a hot wife and beautiful home in the suburbs and a gifted child that is going to set the new standard of academic success the first day of kindergarten..

 

... but I don't think you truly love, honor and cherish those things. I think they are just decorations to your monument to yourself.

 

And If I can think that from just a few pages you have written, imagine how your poor wife must feel.

 

You are not an alpha male. Alpha males do not call themselves alpha males. They just are.

 

You provide resources and comfort measures and support (beta) and then demand respect and obedience (covert contract). You are like the "Nice Guy" that is nice and then expects women to respect and desire him because he's nice - only you aren't nice and you aren't kind and you aren't actually supportive. You though money and resources and support at her and then demand that she follow your instructions and expectations to the letter or she'll be tossed out with next week's garbage.

 

That is not an alpha male or what an alpha male does to his mate. That's more of a dick.

[oldshirt]

Now Ive mentioned MC a number of times and I really think you should do it.

 

However MC can really only address communication issues and expectation issues.

 

Since you are so rife with covert contracts and are having such an issue with expectations, I think MC is worth giving your all.

 

However MC can not change character flaws or issues of people's innate ambition or level of personal performance.

 

And MC cannot transform people who are simply not marriage material into people who are. If someone isn't cut out for the life of marriage and parenthood and does not want that lifestyle, MC will not replace that circuitboard with one that does want that lifestyle.

 

But since there is a very young child involved, it is worth a sincere try.

 

Otherwise, MC can also be beneficial as part of the exit strategy to dissolve a marriage with the least amount of pain and suffering and chaos as possible.

 

MC may not lead you to a successful marriage, but maybe it can help achieve a fair and amicable divorce.

[oldshirt]

And finally, I want to share a personal story of someone that I know personally in real life.

 

I know a very nice and beautiful woman that used to be my kid's in-home daycare provider.

 

She is very fit and attractive and really turns heads even now at 40. In her youth she was a true knockout.

 

She was also a beach girl and party girl in the San Diego area and in her late teens/early 20s dated and ran around with beach bums and surfer dudes and party boys.

 

By mid 20s she was starting to get disenchanted with that scene and was looking for something more mature and stable with more long term prospects. In other words she was growing up.

 

She moved back to the Midwest with family and met a tall, handsome, ambitious business school graduate. He was ambitious and studious and was hard-charging and driven. He wanted the finer things in life and was willing to work his fingers bloody to achieve it.

 

She was smitten by his drive and ambition and her family was thrilled that she found an actual ambitious man with a future and who had success written all over him. Her friends were jealous and all the other dudes that were interested in her knew they were licked and just faded away.

 

They married. They traveled. They f#(ked like rabbits and they went house hunting in the swankiest suburbs and bought the lexus and blah blah blah.

 

When the kids came, she of course was going to be a SAHM and take the toddlers to Gymborie with the other trophy wives etc etc.

 

But underneath the perfect façade, things weren't what they appeared. He would come home from his 14 hour days and the kids weren't reading to the level he thought they should be at 3. The floors weren't shiney enough. There were some weeds in the seams of the driveway. There were fingerprints on the window (with two toddlers and two daycare kids in the house)

 

And she wasn't treating him with the awe and admiration that he thought she should due to all the hard work and all the success and status and material goods he was providing to her.

 

Things fell apart in the bedroom. He put the blame on that due to all her partying and hooking up with the beach crowd and surfers. He called her the "s"-word and said that her breeding and upbringing weren't fitting for a man of his stature and status.

 

She had the big house in the 'burbs. The Lexus in the driveway. And was able to stay home to raise the kids and take care of the home without having to 'work.'

 

And home was a prison to her and her provider was also her warden, jailer and tormentor.

 

By the end, she hated him.

 

He saw her as dirt between his toes and she saw him as a snake and a manipulative, obnoxious, demanding, immature, slimy worm.

 

He turned physically abusive. Police and DHS made a number of visits. She got a restraining order and he had to have supervised visits with the kids.

 

And even in divorce court, he stood before the judge and insisted that she should be grateful and appreciative of all that he has given to her and provided for her and that if she would just give him the respect and awe that he deserved, that everything would be ok.

 

The judge ordered supervised visits, no contact with her except through attorneys, he can't be within a couple hundred feet of her physically and ordered hefty spousal support, child support and 50% of all marital properties, assets and financial instruments.

 

He still didn't get it. He still couldn't understand why she didn't want to be with him and couldn't understand why the judge would do that.

 

He was so brainwashed into thinking she should kiss his feet and praise the lord for blessing her with him and he was so filled with covert contracts he couldn't grasp that she was her own person with her goals and objectives and agendas.

 

She is now living happily in a 3bdrm apartment with her 2 kids and is happily involved with a man who is just a regular joe but who treats her well.

 

Her ex is still struggling and still sends her veiled threats through friends and relatives. He still isn't getting it.

 

This could be you if you aren't careful and if you don't address your expectations and covert contracts and rigid beliefs on your own greatness.

[basil67]

I wouldn't recommend marriage counselling for you. Why? Because I think that if the counsellor supports your wife on any issue, you will be furious and reject any solutions immediately.

 

Just end it.

[BaileyB]

Oldshirt has offered more good advice. For the sake of your son, you may want to try MC. But, you need to go into it with an open heart and mind. I'm not sure that you can do that.

 

MC can also perhaps help to make the separation amicable, and that might be the best hope at this point.

 

I personally think you will not find what you are looking for in this marriage. What you seem to want is the life of a bachelor with the appearance of a successful marriage.

 

And, if I may say... You say you want a strong woman who will be able to live with your 1950's view of a traditional marriage and that most women aren't strong enough to do this. I would offer - a strong woman with any kind of self respect would see you coming a mile away with that entited and disrespectful attitude and she would never put up with your ****.

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB