Uneven Marriage. me fight the resentment before it becomes unsalvageable

[xxoo]

I've got two kids, and I'm hot. I like being hot for my husband, having hot sex, etc.

 

If I found him on Tinder, or online talking about hot young girls, I'd probably pack on a bunch of weight and buy ugly sweats to keep him away from me

[BaileyB]

Agreed oldshirt.

 

I imagine that OP mother probably curses his father every day of their marriage. No woman wants to be in a marriage with a man who is unfaithful. No doubt, she hid her unhappiness from her children, as the best of mothers would want to do. But in the end, she did not do any service for her children by hiding the truth of the marriage. Now, it seems that OP has an idealized version of a marriage that is not based on the reality of the situation.

 

Just another thing to discuss when you go for marriage counselling.

Edited September 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[Just a Guy]

Hi xxoo, guess that's the reason your husband has no complaints and does not need to go on Tinder or whatever else is out there. I guess the absence of those things in the OP's life are what are sending him up a tree.

 

That said, OP, I guess you have to come to grips with the fact that marriage is an organic entity. It is a living breathing organism which needs sustenance just as any other living organism needs sustenance. Just as any living organism changes with the passage of time, so does a marriage. There will be times when a marriage is in the pink of health and everything is Tickety boo for the two people in it and sometimes it will exhibit symptoms of I'll health and has to be nursed back to good health by the two partners involved. Sometimes it may go on life support and may require the intervention of specialists( Read Counsellors and Psychologists et al) to be nursed back to health with, of course, the complete involvement of both partners. Sadly, sometimes the sickness is fatal and the marriage dies( Infidelity, emotional dystrophy, personality changes in the two partners making them incompatible with each other and so on). This is the reality of life. The fact is that a marriage is to be nurtured by both partners if it is to survive. This task cannot be completed by one partner alone and the simple fact is that both partners have to be heavily invested in the marriage. If even one of them is Luke warm about it then the marriage is on it's way to the graveyard. Now you have to decide where you are in this particular scenario. Of course your wife has to be invested too, but the fact is that she may not be at the same level where she was, when you got married. She has had a child and her hormonal structure may have changed to quite an extent which probably means that her energy levels and motivation for certain things may have changed too. Your view of things seems simplistic. If you provide the material platform for her to be able to function and perform as she used to prior to the birth of your child, then she should continue to perform at that level. However her hormonal changes may make such a possibility out of the realm of reality. Even if she wants to she may not be able to. So you will have to compromise and communicate with her extensively and intensively, to be able to determine where in the spectrum of your relationship she is currently positioned. I guess the onus is more on you than her, currently, although I am sure she desperately wants things to normalize between you two, but is just not able to exert herself sufficiently, to be able to dig herself out of the hole this whole childbirth phenomenon has placed her in.

 

The fact is that you have to decide whether your marriage is worth it and more importantly, whether your wife is worth it. Once you have taken that call you can decide what to do further but not until then. If you do not then you will probably regret your decision or lack thereof, for the rest of your life. Best wishes.

[oldshirt]

 

. Of course your wife has to be invested too, but the fact is that she may not be at the same level where she was, when you got married. She has had a child and her hormonal structure may have changed to quite an extent which probably means that her energy levels and motivation for certain things may have changed too. Your view of things seems simplistic. If you provide the material platform for her to be able to function and perform as she used to prior to the birth of your child, then she should continue to perform at that level. However her hormonal changes may make such a possibility out of the realm of reality. Even if she wants to she may not be able to.

 

This reminds me of something that happened in my youth that I think applies to this situation.

 

When I was around jr high age my dad brought home a recently weaned baby kitten. The kitten and I instantly hit it off and we play and chase each other around the house all the time. As she grew she would be at the door waiting for me when I got home from school. We would play and roughhouse and wrestle around (as best that you can wrestle with a cat) At night she would jump up on my bed and climb up on my chest and do that cat-knead on me and purr until she would cuddle up and sleep with me at night.

 

Eventually she matured and went into heat. One day while she was in heat someone was going out the door and she scampered from across the room and ran outside and out of sight in an instant.

 

She was gone for several days and nights and I was worried and scared for her. Then one day she just showed back up in front of the door waiting to be let back in.

 

I was thrilled and excited that she was home safe. I went back to trying to play and roughhouse with her once she was back but she was somehow "different." she didn't want to play anymore and seemed irritated and annoyed with me when I tried to play like we used. She had no interest in the cat toys that we used to play and she no longer met me at the door when I got home and would no longer sleep in my bed.

 

within a couple weeks we noticed her growing belly and knew she was pregnant. My mom told me she wasn't sleeping with me anymore because she was looking for a place to have the kittens (which turned out to be in a hallway closet)

 

It was fun and neat having a litter of kittens in the house and she was a dutiful mother that took care of them, but of course she didn't want to play as she was taking care of the kittens.

 

Eventually the kittens grew and we found homes for them and they were eventually all dispensed to homes of their own.

 

I was kind of glad the kittens were finally gone so I could play with the cat again.

 

However, even though the kittens were gone and she wasn't pregnant, she was still "different" and still no longer wanted to play with me or sleep with me or cuddle with me etc etc She was now just a garden variety house cat that just kind of hung out around the house and did her own thing on her own time just like every other house cat out there.

 

One day I got real frustrated and sad and bitched to my mom about it. My mom sat me down and had frank conversation with me and told me that now that she had had kittens she was no longer a playful kitten that had a special bond with one person. Now she was a mother and is now serious and not carefree and all about playing and having fun. She told me that once something was a mother, they would always be a mother and would never be same carefree, funloving kitten again.

 

Now mind you I was probably about 13-14 years old at the time. I was young enough that I needed guidance and to hear the wisdom of my elders. But I was old enough to grasp the ways of the world and I was old enough to realize that mother wasn't talking about just cats.

 

She was telling me that eventually I would meet a young, cute, playful kitten that rub up against me and purr, would follow me around, would look at me with big lovey-dovey eyes and would cuddle up against me at night and purr herself to sleep.

 

But once she had kittens of her own, she would no longer be the cuddly, playful kitten that only wanted to play with and be with me but she would become serious and put her energies into taking care of her own kittens and would need support and resources from me. And it would be another truism that once someone becomes a mother, they become annoyed and disgusted when someone just wants to keep playing frolicking with them instead of helping them take care of the offspring.

 

I learned a valuable life-lesson from that cat.

[oldshirt]

She was telling me that eventually I would meet a young, cute, playful kitten that rub up against me and purr, would follow me around, would look at me with big lovey-dovey eyes and would cuddle up against me at night and purr herself to sleep.

 

But once she had kittens of her own, she would no longer be the cuddly, playful kitten that only wanted to play with and be with me but she would become serious and put her energies into taking care of her own kittens and would need support and resources from me. And it would be another truism that once someone becomes a mother, they become annoyed and disgusted when someone just wants to keep playing frolicking with them instead of helping them take care of the offspring.

 

I learned a valuable life-lesson from that cat.

 

And one of the things I have come to learn as a full grown adult is some guys only want to play with cuddly kittens that rub up against them and look at them with big lovey-dovey eyes and like to play and have fun.

 

And they don't want anything to do with the mature, motherly housecats that hang out around the house wanting to do their own thing on their own time.

 

There are a lot of guys that are not husband/father material. It's not that they are bad people, it's that they don't have the attitudes and temperments that make them deal with not being the center of their mate's attention.

 

And this can have a real darkside. In this thread the OP's resentment, bitterness and disdain for his wife is palpable. But in more severe cases that resentment and disdain turns to outright abuse and in extreme cases even murder.

 

The second leading cause of death in pregnant women after car accidents is homicide at the hands of the mates.

 

There are national spotlight cases like Scot Peterson et al, but the reality is that while the national spotlight cases are kind of few and far between, it does happen with regularity throughout the country.

 

Some people are not cut out for home and family life and as a society I think those people should not be pressured into marrying and having children just because it is expected of them. society needs to realize that some people are just not made from that mold and should be allowed to remain childfree with criticism or judgement from their nosey Aunt Beulah.

[BlueIris]

Hey bud, thanks again for your inputs.

I've taken everything posted here to heart.

Spent the last few hours talking with my wife, it was brutal, and ripped us both apart. I do not understand why human beings put themselves in these situations deliberately.

 

I don't think I've realised how badly I've hurt her, you and everyone on here were absolutely right, I may have taken it too far, and been too tough.

I just did exactly what my Dad did, but my mom was just made of a different cut. And i'm sure now, despite their ongoing 35+ year marriage, she wasn't always happy. Especially when my Dad cheated repeatedly.

I really thought I would do things different, but at the same time, I really don't feel like I was asking the world from her.

 

Anyways, hmm.. i don't know, not sure what to do next.

This would be so easy without the little one, but we are both adamant in being amazing parents, and have decided to be nice to each other, but I think we are headed for a divorce.

When a woman tells you she doesn't care anymore, and that she's done, it's hard to convince her otherwise if you don't believe she would change.

I spent the last few days thinking about whether or not I could compromise... I could just get a full-time housekeeper to keep the house as I like it, but can't imagine her not making it a priority to look hot for me.

It's selfish maybe, but I don't cheat, and will therefore be just miserable.

 

I don't know...maybe the MC will help if anything just to deal with what's happening, and as some of you have posted, make it into an amicable and fair separation. Poor kid, though, that's what tearing me up more than anything.... today was the first day I have cried in years.

 

It’s good that you two talked and you know that she’s done.

 

Children can thrive after divorce. He can do very well, probably much better than he would in a home clouded with anger and resentment. Good co-parents are a lot like equal business partners. You don’t have to like each other as besties. You just have to respect each other, talk, listen, cooperate, balance both of your needs with your child’s needs, and come to decisions as equals. It’s emotionally harder for the adults than the children if the adults manage it well.

[BettyDraper]

It is good that OP has read and understood some of what has been posted. However, I still don't think he is ready to accept his role and responsibility in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

I think you fail to recognize that even women who are in traditional marriages have posted in this discussion that your behavior is unacceptable, and would be unacceptable in their marriages. Hear that!

 

And yeah, do you think that your mom was not entirely happy throughout her marriage to your father - especially considering the fact that he cheated several times?? I think you have a very warped view of what your parents marriage was like... And I would imagine that your perception of your mother's experience in the marriage was far from her feeling of the actual experience. No doubt, she was a very strong woman as you have claimed, to have raised children who loved her and stayed with a man who it seems, didn't treat her as a wife and mother should have been treated!

 

It is said that men have sex to fall in love, and women fall in love to have sex. No doubt, she is not motivated to look attractive and be sexual with you when you have treated her with such blatant disrespect and distain. Frankly, I'm impressed that she is still agreeing to have sex with you at all...

 

I would like to see someone tell you constantly what they "demand" you do, then judge how you fail to measure up, and then threaten and and put you down for your lack of effort. I would like to see how you would react if someone blamed you, told you that the problem was you because what they expected was not unreasonable, and then told you to "man up" and do what you were supposed to do. I can only imagine how you would react if the roles were reversed.

 

For the sake of your child, I hope you can reach an amicable separation/divorce.

 

Although, I have no doubt that you will find another hot, young girl who will give you what you want until she put on some weight and you start to demand of her and treat her badly... At which point, you will probably leave her too in search of someone else.

 

For someone who claims to want a traditional marriage, you really have no idea what marriage is really all about.

 

Exactly! My husband could never treat me that way because he knows I would leave. Traditional marriage is not about the wife living in a dictatorship.

 

The OP needs a Stepford Wife-an actual robot with no opinions and a perpetually slim waist. Real women are not perfect servants. We have bad moods. illness and other human issues and we're affected by significant life stages such as pregnancy and child rearing.

[BaileyB]

Exactly! My husband could never treat me that way because he knows I would leave. Traditional marriage is not about the wife living in a dictatorship.

 

I have several friends that are stay at home mothers, in "traditional" marriages. They have made that decision because both partners have chosen this for their family. The husbands still help with the household chores and they are actively involved with the childcare. They treat their wives with respect, support them, and they make decision together. Two of my friends have recently chosen to go back to school/work. Their husbands have supported that decision. One husband is a physician with a very busy job and he has stepped up to help more around the house because he wanted to support his wife in her decision.

 

It's not the fact that OP wants a "traditional marriage" or wants his child to be raised by a stay at home mother. It has everything to do with the way he goes about trying to MAKE that happen.

[BettyDraper]

Hey bud, thanks again for your inputs.

I've taken everything posted here to heart.

Spent the last few hours talking with my wife, it was brutal, and ripped us both apart. I do not understand why human beings put themselves in these situations deliberately.

 

I don't think I've realised how badly I've hurt her, you and everyone on here were absolutely right, I may have taken it too far, and been too tough.

I just did exactly what my Dad did, but my mom was just made of a different cut. And i'm sure now, despite their ongoing 35+ year marriage, she wasn't always happy. Especially when my Dad cheated repeatedly.

I really thought I would do things different, but at the same time, I really don't feel like I was asking the world from her.

 

Anyways, hmm.. i don't know, not sure what to do next.

This would be so easy without the little one, but we are both adamant in being amazing parents, and have decided to be nice to each other, but I think we are headed for a divorce.

When a woman tells you she doesn't care anymore, and that she's done, it's hard to convince her otherwise if you don't believe she would change.

I spent the last few days thinking about whether or not I could compromise... I could just get a full-time housekeeper to keep the house as I like it, but can't imagine her not making it a priority to look hot for me.

It's selfish maybe, but I don't cheat, and will therefore be just miserable.

 

I don't know...maybe the MC will help if anything just to deal with what's happening, and as some of you have posted, make it into an amicable and fair separation. Poor kid, though, that's what tearing me up more than anything.... today was the first day I have cried in years.

 

I'm glad that you've come to realize how cruel you've been to your wife.

It's not what you say. It's how you say it. Your expectations are not unreasonable but the way you have communicated them with a sense of entitlement is unacceptable.

 

Remember that your mother was a housewife in a different era where women had no way of leaving a marriage. The social pressure to stay married as well as the lack of economic independence made divorce extremely difficult for women. Your mother probably didn't believe in divorce. My mother is the same way except she worked full time while serving my father and doing everything around the house. She never hid her misery from her children. I know that what I saw my mother endure is one of the main reasons I am childfree.

 

You don't have to end the marriage though. You can manage your expectations and become a kinder husband. You can win your wife back by being loving to her. Maybe if you try those actions, your wife will be more receptive to meeting your needs. If that's not possible, look into marriage counseling so that both of you will at least be comforted by the knowledge that you tried your best if you decide to divorce. If you decide to end this marriage, at least your son is too little to have any vivid memories of his parents separating.

[oldshirt]

 

You don't have to end the marriage though. You can manage your expectations and become a kinder husband. You can win your wife back by being loving to her. Maybe if you try those actions, your wife will be more receptive to meeting your needs. If that's not possible, look into marriage counseling so that both of you will at least be comforted by the knowledge that you tried your best if you decide to divorce. If you decide to end this marriage, at least your son is too little to have any vivid memories of his parents separating.

 

The OP seems like a hard-charging, driven man that is used to hard work and achieving his goals. In that sense, yes he "can" manage his expectations and become a kinder, more supporting husband if he were to set his mind to doing so.

 

However in reading his posts, I think it is clear that he does not want nor has any intentions of doing so and I think he feels it is beneath him to that.

 

I think the Stepford Wife mentioned above is a better analogy. I don't think it is in him to work collaboratively with someone for their own mutual benefit. I think he wants complete dominance and control. It's basically the old, "my-way-or-the-highway" approach.

 

This is why I think he should contract with paid professionals. Basically employees contracted to perform a service for a fee.

 

He was trying to get a wife to do those things by throwing money at her and it wasn't working for either of them. The mutually beneficial partnership approach did not work. I think an employer/employee contract will work better for him as that will be an at-will business arrangement where each will be able to state their own terms and agree on the service and fee and each will be able to exit the contract at-will if they so choose.

 

In the long run, a maid, a nanny and a sugar baby/escort are going to perform at a higher level of performance at a lower cost for those tasks than what a wife would, and it would cause a whole lot less frustration and heartache for both.

 

He is not husband/father material. I do not think people should be encouraging him to try to change who and what he is so that he fits into a preconceived model of what a loving and devoted husband and father should be.

 

We know he is a crappy husband but he may end up being a fair and decent employer and will be happier and more at peace with paid professionals performing their assigned tasks, so lets go with that route for now.

[oldshirt]

Exactly! My husband could never treat me that way because he knows I would leave. Traditional marriage is not about the wife living in a dictatorship.

 

The OP needs a Stepford Wife-an actual robot with no opinions and a perpetually slim waist. Real women are not perfect servants.

 

I doubt that your husband works collaboratively with you in dignity and respect because he knows you'll leave if he doesn't.

 

He likely does it because he wants to and that is how he is wired and how he is.

 

The OP is not like your H and did not come from the same mold.

 

The Stepford Wife is a better analogy.

 

But since we do not have life-like robots yet, the next best thing is a hired professional that performs a specified service for a fee.

[BlueIris]

...

He is not husband/father material. I do not think people should be encouraging him to try to change who and what he is so that he fits into a preconceived model of what a loving and devoted husband and father should be.

 

We know he is a crappy husband but he may end up being a fair and decent employer and will be happier and more at peace with paid professionals performing their assigned tasks, so lets go with that route for now.

 

I agree. I think it's wiser to support an "amicable and fair" divorce as he put it, though he said separation. The my-way-or-the-highway thinking will not work during or after divorce since they will have to co-parent.

 

OP, you said, "Poor kid, though, that's what tearing me up more than anything...." Children don't have to suffer when their parents divorce. Some parents- not all- think that if they are in pain their child is in pain, that if they think divorce is bad the child thinks it is bad. Your child has different needs and desires and there's no reason he would think that the divorce is "bad" unless adults convey that to him- so don't convey that to him. If he's loved and cared for he won't think there's anything wrong or bad about it.

 

It's clear that you have very firm views about marriage and what you should do and be, and what your wife should do and be. But if you divorce, all of that goes out the window and your expectations and wishes about each other don't matter any more. All you have to do is cooperate to raise a happy healthy child.

 

It really sounds as though you both want to end the marriage, so do it well.

[elaine567]

He may be able to change who he is to avert a divorce here; kinder, more understanding, lowered expectations but long term I guess he will just revert to being who he really is.

By what has been said his wife is done, so whilst they may agree to be nicer to each other and go through the motions, I doubt they can recapture the emotional bonding that will see them through a long marriage.

 

"Nicer" is good though and if kept up through coparenting, will be great for the child.

[Satu]

This quote came to mind whilst I read this thread:

 

 

"I was taking something away from her, although she didn't know it. I was filching. Never mind that it was something she apparently didn't want or had no use for, had rejected even; still, it was hers, and I took it away, this mysterious "it" I couldn't quite define."

 

- Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale.

 

 

I'm not quite sure why this came to mind, but she may have realised that she needs her "it" back; even though it might have been willingly given up in some earlier stage of the relationship.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Satu

[oldshirt]

I agree. I think it's wiser to support an "amicable and fair" divorce as he put it, though he said separation. The my-way-or-the-highway thinking will not work during or after divorce since they will have to co-parent.

 

OP, you said, "Poor kid, though, that's what tearing me up more than anything...." Children don't have to suffer when their parents divorce. Some parents- not all- think that if they are in pain their child is in pain, that if they think divorce is bad the child thinks it is bad. Your child has different needs and desires and there's no reason he would think that the divorce is "bad" unless adults convey that to him- so don't convey that to him. If he's loved and cared for he won't think there's anything wrong or bad about it.

 

It's clear that you have very firm views about marriage and what you should do and be, and what your wife should do and be. But if you divorce, all of that goes out the window and your expectations and wishes about each other don't matter any more. All you have to do is cooperate to raise a happy healthy child.

 

It really sounds as though you both want to end the marriage, so do it well.

 

I agree.

 

Children are harmed by abandonment, neglect, abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, molestion, chronic hostility/chronic conflict in the home, etc etc.

 

They are not harmed by two loving, involved, devoted parents who happen to live in separate homes.

 

The fear of children being devastated and harmed etc is an adult fear and an adult issue. As long as both parents are in the children's lives and are both taking care of them, they do not have to be harmed by their parents no longer living together.

 

The fear of child harm comes from generations past when in days of yore, divorce often only came after terrible circumstances such as extreme abuse, total abandonment and crippling alcohol/drug abuse. And in many instances the divorcing parents were going at each other's jugular the whole time.

 

The divorce did not cause the problems and maladaptions in the children. It was the events and the circumstances that were leading to the divorce.

 

If divorcing parents commit themselves to cooperate and coparent together and try to keep things cooperative and amicable, there is no reason that the kids should have any actual harm.

 

Sure they will be sad and concerned and inconvenienced by going back and forth between houses, but there is no reason they should have to actually be harmed or have any lasting maladaption.

[BettyDraper]

The OP seems like a hard-charging, driven man that is used to hard work and achieving his goals. In that sense, yes he "can" manage his expectations and become a kinder, more supporting husband if he were to set his mind to doing so.

 

However in reading his posts, I think it is clear that he does not want nor has any intentions of doing so and I think he feels it is beneath him to that.

 

I think the Stepford Wife mentioned above is a better analogy. I don't think it is in him to work collaboratively with someone for their own mutual benefit. I think he wants complete dominance and control. It's basically the old, "my-way-or-the-highway" approach.

 

This is why I think he should contract with paid professionals. Basically employees contracted to perform a service for a fee.

 

He was trying to get a wife to do those things by throwing money at her and it wasn't working for either of them. The mutually beneficial partnership approach did not work. I think an employer/employee contract will work better for him as that will be an at-will business arrangement where each will be able to state their own terms and agree on the service and fee and each will be able to exit the contract at-will if they so choose.

 

In the long run, a maid, a nanny and a sugar baby/escort are going to perform at a higher level of performance at a lower cost for those tasks than what a wife would, and it would cause a whole lot less frustration and heartache for both.

 

He is not husband/father material. I do not think people should be encouraging him to try to change who and what he is so that he fits into a preconceived model of what a loving and devoted husband and father should be.

 

We know he is a crappy husband but he may end up being a fair and decent employer and will be happier and more at peace with paid professionals performing their assigned tasks, so lets go with that route for now.

 

A man who is in love and wants to save his marriage will put down his pride...especially if it has proved to be excessive and destructive. You've made great points about the OP's character which I agree with. However, anyone can change if he truly wants to be a different person.

 

If the OP doesn't want to modify his behavior to keep his marriage, then paid professionals may be the solution for him.

[oldshirt]

A man who is in love and wants to save his marriage will put down his pride...especially if it has proved to be excessive and destructive. You've made great points about the OP's character which I agree with. However, anyone can change if he truly wants to be a different person.

 

 

I don't necessarily disagree with the concept of what you are saying.

 

But we have to keep a couple things in mind.

 

The first is that the person he loved was the young, skinny, carefree, horny, single chick that thought he was ffaaaabulous that he was climbing mountains with.

 

He's not in love with the serious mother that is 20 lbs overweight and probably can't stand him being around.

 

And for someone to change in order to save a marriage and turn it into something that is mutually happy and healthy for both, they have to care about the marriage and the other person more than themselves.

[ShatteredLady]

Can we go back a bit & look at the Tinder issue in a little more detail?

 

When you talk about your dating, engagement, first years of marriage it all sounds very exciting & VERY ROMANTIC. we've been talking about the "old ball & chain" but I think that your wife was deeply in love with you.

 

If so maybe she is like me, heart broken, devastated, shattered by her husbands betrayal?? She sounds deeply depressed.

 

You OP said that your only issue was "playing" on Tinder with your mates. Correct? What is this quote about then???

 

"If I wanted that Tinder girl, or that hot young girl, I'd end this now and have truckloads of women waiting for me."

 

"THAT Tinder girl"??? Is it just a turn of phrase or did you privately talk, take things further with any specific Tinder girls??

 

'Just looking & playing' as a husband & father is terrible hurtful behavior (& it doesn't sound like you were compassionate or near apologetical enough) In a truly loving deep relationship that was a deplorable thing to do!!

 

If there was a particular girl (or girls) that you spoke with its a different thing. THATS dangerously close to an EA. Will you tell us exactly what happened there? If your wife perceives it as infidelity that you're not deeply regretful of it could explain so very much!!

 

 

I had one of those baby carriers where you basically wear your child. We had loads of fun & went to many exciting places. I was happy, loving & fun. I believed that my H was my best friend, lover, partner, my everything. His lack of respect & selfish adulterous relationship broke me & sent me spiraling out of control & into depressive cycles.

 

Just asserting "I would never cheat!" Isn't enough if she caught you having an online 'relationship' with "That Tinder girl".

 

Your marriage clearly has some very big issues. I'm so very sorry, particularly for your son.

 

I'm just saying, never underestimate how much betrayal damages a partner. You can't imagine until you've been there!!

[Popsicle]

Oh God, Mr. Perfect has entered the building.

Reminds me of my ex-husband.

[lucy_in_disguise]

My observations:

 

1. It is your prerogative to desire a partner who is hard-working and has the same values. It is important in any marriage to have similar values. Did she exhibit characteristics that would have led you to believe she was hardworking enough for you while you were dating? Whether or not she is or isn't actually working hard "enough" is a moot point because it's subjective. But you can't force someone to have the same expectations. And even if they do but are failing to meet them for whatever reason... If you want any chance at a happy marriage, you need to learn to cut your partners some slack.

 

2. There is nothing "traditional" or 1950s about threatening divorce every time your wife doesn't meet your standards for hotness or washing the toilet. It is not "biblical" to believe that the mother of your child is one of a million fish in the sea.

 

3. Calling her any names and telling her to leave her own house is abusive and totally unacceptable under any circumstances. Ditto for scoping out tinder/ escort websites, and threatening her with it is beyond low. These behaviors would have been deal breakers for many women, rightly so. I hope for your sake you can learn to recognize that.

 

4. It seems like your biggest gripe at the end of the day is that she gained 20 lbs. There is no word for that besides "shallow". What did you think would happen to her body as she ages? 20 lbs for someone who was probably very fit is not much, considering she had a child recently. I'm not saying it's impossible to be fit after childbirth, but every woman's body is different, and If you can't get it up now I think you will have a tough time in any long term relationship. Regardless of how your marriage pans out, I would consider looking into why you are so shallow.

 

There is a lot you have done to contribute to your marriage getting to this state. Your wife's alleged shortcomings are really not the point imo. Much of your behavior and your beliefs are not compatible with a long term relationship. I hope you realize this eventually so you can set a better example for your son.

[Satu]

I don't see even the faintest hope that this marriage can be repaired.

 

It would be best to divorce and concentrate on being good parents.

[BettyDraper]

I don't necessarily disagree with the concept of what you are saying.

 

But we have to keep a couple things in mind.

 

The first is that the person he loved was the young, skinny, carefree, horny, single chick that thought he was ffaaaabulous that he was climbing mountains with.

 

He's not in love with the serious mother that is 20 lbs overweight and probably can't stand him being around.

 

And for someone to change in order to save a marriage and turn it into something that is mutually happy and healthy for both, they have to care about the marriage and the other person more than themselves.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right. The OP keeps saying that he's in love with his wife but his behavior does not match his words.

 

How naive it is to expect someone to stay exactly the same in every way after marriage and children! Life is about change and evolution.

[Hopeful714]

He keeps saying that he loves his wife because he wants to look good. That is what he is supposed to say and do. Basically to keep up appearances. It also is an attempt to deflect blame from himself. In reality, he has no idea what love is. If she loses 20 lbs, and cleans the house to his expectations tomorrow, he won't love her any more or less, it will only possibly enable him to get his f### back on and be satisfied that she is doing exactly what he expects so all is "happy". Control.

 

This guy reminds me of my ex boyfriend. Wants everything to appear perfect on the outside. Wants the final say in everything. Thinks he's "THE MAN".

 

He's abusive.

 

His wife is and probably has been suffering. Her sense of self and esteem most likely gone. I'm glad she wants out.

 

The "truckload of girls" comment says everything. When I used to get in disagreements or fights with my ex I was told "other girls want me" or "I can have 1000 girls". It made me physically sick. It's basically saying that you don't matter and if you don't shut up and improve your ways... he'll find someone else who will. It creates massive anxiety. He's saying she can easily be replaced. The funny/sad thing is that he's right. There WILL be a truckload of girls just waiting to take her place and abide his will. He WILL get what he's looking for... no problem...and his current wife and son will suffer watching it occur thinking they are "less than" until they figure out that he was the one with the issues all along.

[oldshirt]

The "truckload of girls" comment says everything. When I used to get in disagreements or fights with my ex I was told "other girls want me" or "I can have 1000 girls". It made me physically sick. It's basically saying that you don't matter and if you don't shut up and improve your ways... he'll find someone else who will. It creates massive anxiety. He's saying she can easily be replaced. The funny/sad thing is that he's right. There WILL be a truckload of girls just waiting to take her place and abide his will. He WILL get what he's looking for... no problem...and his current wife and son will suffer watching it occur thinking they are "less than" until they figure out that he was the one with the issues all along.

 

Yeah, he will get truckloads of girls. ....... for a period of time.

 

even the most shameless gold digger will soon grow fed up with his demands and get sick of him. probably put on weight too just to keep him off of her.

 

People just don't like getting bossed around like that.

[Whoknew30]

I'm a traditional wife...married as a teen & a SAHM through our whole marriage (besides college courses)...

 

I can understand some of your points but the whole thing about the gay guy in Facebook vs your tinder, says "you're extremely insecure" & need constant reassurance that women want you to feel like a man...which is something you're gonna have to figure out for yourself or you will have problems with any & every woman you meet. You can only hide insecurity for so long before it comes pouring out into every aspect of your life.

 

Now IMO, that part is separate from what you're issue is...I see nothing wrong with you being upset. She pretty much lied to you. When people are getting married they usually have "deal breaker" conversations, if one spouse goes against that after marriage, then I see why the other spouse would have a big issue with it. This is why it is so important that people realize that they should make decision based off what they really feel they want vs making them off of just "love". I don't see anything wrong with you being upset bc it seemed like you got married based on a certain promise & now she's changing it. Most marriages are based on a certain foundation & if someone wants to all of sudden repour that foundation once the house is built of course the house is going to crumble.

 

Do I think you're handling your issue with her, healthy...no, you're not. I think you need to decide (like an adult) if you're willing to foresee another way of martial & family life, that is fine but if you're not, then you need to not be a punk teenage boy about it, you need to be a respectable man & just be honest & say "this is not what I want for a marriage"...

 

Also I don't see anything wrong with you being upset about her not trying to get in shape. Its one thing for a woman's body to change from birth but it's another to watch someone be that way bc of pure laziness...there's no excuse for that for anyone to be lazy & sloppy everyday. I'd be upset too if my H turned into that. Though I see women do this more & use their kid's as an excuse, yea being a mom has it's days but its not a permanent excuse.

 

Good luck with everything