Uneven Marriage. me fight the resentment before it becomes unsalvageable

[BaileyB]

I see nothing wrong with you being upset. She pretty much lied to you.

 

I don't believe that she lied. She changed her mind. People are allowed to change their mind and make a different decision in life. If she had a child and discovered that she felt very isolated and unhappy staying home with the child, I would hope that her partner would support her in making a different decision that would bring her happiness.

 

Life is a journey. Nothing stays the same. They had an agreement before they became parents. But, maybe the reality of parenthood and the way that she has been treated by her husband has caused a change of heart... That should be allowed, IMHO.

[Whoknew30]

I don't believe that she lied. She changed her mind. People are allowed to change their mind and make a different decision in life. If she had a child and discovered that she felt very isolated and unhappy staying home with the child, I would hope that her partner would support her in making a different decision that would bring her happiness.

 

Life is a journey. Nothing stays the same. They had an agreement before they became parents. But, maybe the reality of parenthood and the way that she has been treated by her husband has caused a change of heart... That should be allowed, IMHO.

 

To change one's mind about a deal breaking issue in a marriage isn't ok bc if that was your original view then they wouldn't have married you...that is the point of these conversations, that is why major religions have pre marriage counseling. How you're going to raise your kids is definitely a serious issue that a couple should be absolutely on the same page about. If my H did a 360 about our kids I'd be upset bc that's not we agreed on & maybe I wouldn't have married him if his views were different.

 

A change of heart is allowed but that doesn't mean that the other spouse has to stay with you & or he to like it. Do I agree with the way he state he's handled it, no but he was honest with her & she agreed...now she can do what she wants but a spouse has the right to be upset that such a big issue is being completely changed.

[noelle303]

I don't believe that she lied. She changed her mind. People are allowed to change their mind and make a different decision in life. If she had a child and discovered that she felt very isolated and unhappy staying home with the child, I would hope that her partner would support her in making a different decision that would bring her happiness.

 

Life is a journey. Nothing stays the same. They had an agreement before they became parents. But, maybe the reality of parenthood and the way that she has been treated by her husband has caused a change of heart... That should be allowed, IMHO.

 

Exactly. Plus, I really don't see how she in any way did not hold up her end of the bargain? You wanted her to be a SAHM and she IS a SAHM. She raises your son all day, every day and that's no easy task no matter how much help she has. Ever heard of that saying ''it takes a village''?

 

I think the problem is precisely in those ''covert contracts'' that oldshirt has mentioned. You want her to excell in all those things you believe she needs to be doing and that was never part of the deal. Plus, you're idea of excellence may not be the same as her idea of it.

 

She honestly may be doing the best she can. And as a mother, you often wonder whether your best is good enough and feel guilty. Having you, her partner and husband, coming home every other day from work and looking at her like she's not good enough - talk about twisting the knife further.

 

And by the way, the fact that this woman, who you claim to love, has put on a few pounds (carrying YOUR child) and that alone is enough to find her physically repulsive and deny her physical intimacy, makes me think that you don't actually love her as anything more than a trophy.

[BaileyB]

To change one's mind about a deal breaking issue in a marriage isn't ok bc if that was your original view then they wouldn't have married you...that is the point of these conversations, that is why major religions have pre marriage counseling. How you're going to raise your kids is definitely a serious issue that a couple should be absolutely on the same page about. If my H did a 360 about our kids I'd be upset bc that's not we agreed on & maybe I wouldn't have married him if his views were different.

 

A change of heart is allowed but that doesn't mean that the other spouse has to stay with you & or he to like it. Do I agree with the way he state he's handled it, no but he was honest with her & she agreed...now she can do what she wants but a spouse has the right to be upset that such a big issue is being completely changed.

 

I hear what you are saying and I do agree somewhat. This is an important decision in a marriage and these kinds of things are important to discuss/agree upon before marriage. But, I think a woman should have the right to change her mind/make a different decision as she moves through life. And, if she does have a change of heart, I wouldn't say that she lied to her husband.

 

I wonder if, when she agreed to this decision, she thought she had married a great guy and life was going to be wonderful. It doesn't seem like that has turned out to be the case...

 

We don't know if she is actually wanting to go back to work because she dislikes being a stay at home mother and misses work, or if she is making this decision because she finds it hard to meet the expectations of her husband and she is frustrated with his behavior. If my husband was that demanding and that disrespectful to me, I can't imagine that I would want to isolate myself by staying home to keep his house and care for the children.

 

Yes, he certainly has the right to leave the marriage if he feels that strongly about it. But, I think both partners have to be flexible and there should be some negotiation if/when someone wants to change course. People change, situations change... Life happens. People and marriages are always changing and evolving... I just don't think it's realistic to expect things to be exactly as you plan.

 

OP has said he would support her going back to work - he just doesn't like it. And, of course, there are other reasons why they are considering the divorce.

 

I think we agree that OP has not been very flexible with his expectations and his behavior towards his wife has been unacceptable.

Edited September 7, 2016 by BaileyB

[Whoknew30]

I hear what you are saying and I do agree somewhat. This is an important decision in a marriage and these kinds of things are important to discuss/agree upon before marriage. But, I think a woman should have the right to change her mind/make a different decision as she moves through life. And, if she does have a change of heart, I wouldn't say that she lied to her husband.

 

I wonder if, when she agreed to this decision, she thought she had married a great guy and life was going to be wonderful. It doesn't seem like that has turned out to be the case...

 

We don't know if she is actually wanting to go back to work because she dislikes being a stay at home mother and misses work, or if she is making this decision because she finds it hard to meet the expectations of her husband and she is frustrated with his behavior. If my husband was that demanding and that disrespectful to me, I can't imagine that I would want to isolate myself by staying home to keep his house and care for the children.

 

Yes, he certainly has the right to leave the marriage if he feels that strongly about it. But, I think both partners have to be flexible and there should be some negotiation if/when someone wants to change course. People change, situations change... Life happens. People and marriages are always changing and evolving... I just don't think it's realistic to expect things to be exactly as you plan.

 

OP has said he would support her going back to work - he just doesn't like it. And, of course, there are other reasons why they are considering the divorce.

 

I think we agree that OP has not been very flexible with his expectations and his behavior towards his wife has been unacceptable.

 

 

Yes agreed he's handling it all wrong but honestly some of things he's saying aren't that much to ask in my opinion.

 

If she has help at least 3 times a week to help watch her kid clean the house why isn't there dinner? If someone is going to work everyday to pay for that help, why wouldn't you take advantage? The massages & all that are a bit too far but not all of what he says. If she can't handle being at home with one kid & help, then how is she going to handle being a working mom? Doesn't that add to the stress? We don't know how much she let herself go, if my husband completely let himself go I wouldn't be ok with that. Not bc I'm vain or shallow but bc it's not just a unhealthy but bc that's not who I married. If they were healthy & active, that's another 360 she's done ontop of the changing her mind about how they're going to raise their child. I had two kids & the only time I let myself go was bc I had a terminal illness & the meds made me that way & I still cleaned the house, took care of a toddle & went to school. I know everyone is different but I'm reading a lot of once a woman has a baby that ok's them to be a certain way & I just don't believe that. Becoming a mother doesn't ok being lazy & over a year later just letting yourself go...that would be an excuse.

 

His delivery is all wrong but I don't think his actual expectations are, if my job is going to work & paying the bills, id expect certain things also...so what if he "decides" he doesn't want to work & pay the bills...isn't it ok going by everyone's theory that he can simply change his mind or is it just a woman that gets that same respect? Let a husband lay on the couch & gain weight, while the wife is working & hiring help.

 

Something tells me if a working wife was speaking the same about her stay at home husband, the conversation would be completely different. A lot of double standard here bc of how wrong his delivery is...but just bc he's behaved like a jerk doesn't take away his valid points.

[BettyDraper]

Yes agreed he's handling it all wrong but honestly some of things he's saying aren't that much to ask in my opinion.

 

If she has help at least 3 times a week to help watch her kid clean the house why isn't there dinner? If someone is going to work everyday to pay for that help, why wouldn't you take advantage? The massages & all that are a bit too far but not all of what he says. If she can't handle being at home with one kid & help, then how is she going to handle being a working mom? Doesn't that add to the stress? We don't know how much she let herself go, if my husband completely let himself go I wouldn't be ok with that. Not bc I'm vain or shallow but bc it's not just a unhealthy but bc that's not who I married. If they were healthy & active, that's another 360 she's done ontop of the changing her mind about how they're going to raise their child. I had two kids & the only time I let myself go was bc I had a terminal illness & the meds made me that way & I still cleaned the house, took care of a toddle & went to school. I know everyone is different but I'm reading a lot of once a woman has a baby that ok's them to be a certain way & I just don't believe that. Becoming a mother doesn't ok being lazy & over a year later just letting yourself go...that would be an excuse.

 

His delivery is all wrong but I don't think his actual expectations are, if my job is going to work & paying the bills, id expect certain things also...so what if he "decides" he doesn't want to work & pay the bills...isn't it ok going by everyone's theory that he can simply change his mind or is it just a woman that gets that same respect? Let a husband lay on the couch & gain weight, while the wife is working & hiring help.

 

Something tells me if a working wife was speaking the same about her stay at home husband, the conversation would be completely different. A lot of double standard here bc of how wrong his delivery is...but just bc he's behaved like a jerk doesn't take away his valid points.

 

I agree with all that I have bolded in your post.

We cannot ignore the fact that the OP's wife has a lot more help and less children than many SAHMs. She can cook and exercise since some of her work is outsourced. That's why this situation is complicated.

 

My husband just came home from a business trip and he returned to a spotless house. I don't even have to work out today because I'm sure I burned off many calories while cleaning!

 

I seriously doubt that anyone here would condone a frustrated working wife's threats to cheat on her SAHD because he wasn't meeting certain expectations.

[Whoknew30]

I agree with all that I have bolded in your post.

We cannot ignore the fact that the OP's wife has a lot more help and less children than many SAHMs. She can cook and exercise since some of her work is outsourced. That's why this situation is complicated.

 

My husband just came home from a business trip and he returned to a spotless house. I don't even have to work out today because I'm sure I burned off many calories while cleaning!

 

I seriously doubt that anyone here would condone a frustrated working wife's threats to cheat on her SAHD because he wasn't meeting certain expectations.

 

 

No, of course that part isn't ok but honestly I think that's bc the woman that wanted to have him all the time is now not looking at him like that so he's trying to tell her that he's still desirable, instead of just saying that's how he feels. It's classic bruised ego from a guy that isn't strong in communicating his feelings. That's what this whole situation boils down too, they have terrible communication & she seems just as guilty as he, he's just more reactive with his mouth.

[BettyDraper]

No, of course that part isn't ok but honestly I think that's bc the woman that wanted to have him all the time is now not looking at him like that so he's trying to tell her that he's still desirable, instead of just saying that's how he feels. It's classic bruised ego from a guy that isn't strong in communicating his feelings. That's what this whole situation boils down too, they have terrible communication & she seems just as guilty as he, he's just more reactive with his mouth.

 

Communication is certainly a big issue and hopefully they will learn better skills in marriage counseling.

 

The question is whether or not there is so much resentment that they cannot listen to each other.

[BettyDraper]

Update OP? I saw you post in another thread which reminded me about your situation.