Is the search worth it?

[SammySammy]

"The flower doesn't dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes."

- Mark Nepo

Maybe the answer is not endless searching, but becoming what someone desires.

[ZA Dater]

"The flower doesn't dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes."

- Mark Nepo

Maybe the answer is not endless searching, but becoming what someone desires.

 

Having ask this question before I am still none the wiser as to what people actually desire.

[ZA Dater]

It is not just that inexperience is frowned upon but also that there is a huge amount of thinking involved here that would not have occurred had you just started dating in HS or at college.

 

If you learn to ski as a child or a teenager then you just do it, you do not think of the consequences, it becomes second nature.

 

If you are an adult then worry kicks in,

"What happens to my work if I have an accident and break my leg?",

"I could end up like Michael Schumacher...",

"It's really steep and I am going far too fast to be safe",

"I could even literally die here"

 

So learning to ski as an adult raises all sorts of questions and concerns that would never have entered the head of a child or a teenager..

 

Same with dating, it doesn't matter in HS, if he is a jerk or she is an airhead or it is all over in a matter of weeks. Who cares? It's not that important when you are very young. You pick yourself up and you just carry on and learn from your mistakes.

 

But at 32, you do care.

You do not want to make any mistakes, you think you cannot afford to make mistakes, you do not want to take any chances, you do not want to get hurt.

 

You have fabricated this "ideal" woman in your head so no-one comes close to meeting your expectations and so you never truly get hurt.

It works.

 

If you are to have any chance of finding "the one", then you have to do some tough things and you are going to have to get used to falling down and hurting yourself.

You cannot learn to ski by sitting in a cafe looking up at the slopes and telling yourself how hard it is.

 

Watch this too -

Especially tip 4.

 

I thought about this some more in the context of other posts here and I think its interesting how much in common those of who struggle have, I look at how some express themselves here, for the most part basically all are capable of good written communication.

 

One would then think being able to communicate well using the written word would help OLD, it doesn't which brings me back to the simple question, what do people really want?

 

Truthfully I am not sure. It seems to me looking in, that sex is the be all and end all of everything, that, physical attraction, material wealth all seem to be the only over riding attraction factors.

 

This is reinforced by the fact I have NEVER EVER heard anyone say "oh so and so is attractive because he has a lovely personality".

 

There is a lady I know, an extremely attractive model, ostensibly her and I would work from a personality point of view if nothing else but I wouldn't even get a second look in with her because the rest doesn't work when you have almost limitless choice.

 

My point being what do you search for really?

[ZA Dater]

Being good at writing is only going to help you get laid if you are on the same level as someone like Stephen King and the like. Just being able to write coherent sentences will not earn you a date. However, women do respect a man who truly excels at something, and writing can be that something.

 

 

 

Now you are starting to get somewhere.

 

 

 

You notice her because she is "an extremely attractive model." Why are you surprised if women like her only notice their extremely attractive male counterparts?

 

Struggling dudes struggle because of one thing; they want what they cannot have. Plenty of ugly guys with little to no social skills find someone to date. They date women like themselves. Generally, the guys who struggle are busy trying to hook up with "an extremely attractive model," and ignore the ladies they might actually have a shot with.

 

The model doesn't interest me I was using her as an example.

 

I don't compute "want what they cannot have", I think most things are possible or you find a happy medium between what you want and what you get. The aspect of searching with made my want to pull my hair out was what I could get, bluntly put this was of a pathetically low standard. I know it sounds nasty but there is no way on this earth I going to take someone to a formal dinner who peppers each sentence with expletives, nor am I going to take someone who has a poor general knowledge, likewise someone who walks around half naked.

 

I'll ask you this, those ugly guys as you put it, do you think they are really happy dating what they don't want? Or do they learn to love something they don't really want out of pure desperation.

 

My thought is those who struggle do because they walk out of step with the wants of society and they cannot comprehend what it is society truly wants.

 

Respect is fairly easy for me to accomplish I am good enough at enough things to earn that, who would have thought but I am good with kids too.

 

The bottom line is for me the idea becomes a futile one when your odds of landing up with something you want are slim because ultimately you choose

: land up with nothing

: land up with someone you don't want out of desperation

: look on with envy at those who have want you cant find/have.

 

I am very much a mix of 1 and 3 on that list.

 

Funny thing is all the replies to this thread, very few actually extoll the virtues of having a relationship, telling perhaps!

[elaine567]

 

Funny thing is all the replies to this thread, very few actually extol the virtues of having a relationship, telling perhaps!

 

Because the virtues of having a good relationship are a given.

Is that not what everyone on here really seeks?

 

Even the bitter, the twisted, the resentful, the hurt, the jaded...

They may say they are finished with dating or they never want to get involved ever again, but when opportunity knocks they are usually all in.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The model doesn't interest me I was using her as an example.

 

That's what stinks about message boards in general. You have to choose your words properly, or otherwise they'll attempt to spin off onto a tangent subject.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Endless searching will never be worth it. The reason is because it makes being a relationship the ultimate end-all-be-all and a destination where everything is supposed to be better and different once you arrive, and unfortunately, if that is how someone envisions relationships, they will eventually be disappointed.

 

Having been single and also in relationships, I realize that people are people and when a relationship is good it's great and when it's bad it can be quite bad and you can even feel lonelier and more stressed than if you were alone. Being in a relationship doesn't change you necessarily and life will still be life with its ups, downs, problems etc

 

In college I remember actively searching for bfs and feeling like being in a relationship was gonna be the end-all-be-all and after breaking up I couldn't wait to finally find a new bf....that made me unduly stressed and also more willing to settle. Nowadays, my mentality is totally different. I'm not endlessly searching and it feels so good. I genuinely like my life and my self and know what I need from a relationship. My eyes are open to meeting someone but it's not this sense of waiting or endlessly pining for that.I think I have a pretty realistic idea of what a relationship can do for me and what it can't and that means I'm more willing to stick to what I want and find it worth it than if I have unrealistic expectations or am merely existing and think I can only truly be happy when coupled.

 

I recall a Facebook friend of a friend posting some blog about this kind of thing. She said regardless of how she keeps herself involved/active in other things...when she goes to bed at night, she realizes there's no one next to her. As if it were a constant reminder of your singlehood that you desire to be with someone.

 

I dunno, but that statement..even though she has kept herself active in work and outside of work, it probably still bothers her a bit.

[ZA Dater]

Because the virtues of having a good relationship are a given.

Is that not what everyone on here really seeks?

 

Even the bitter, the twisted, the resentful, the hurt, the jaded...

They may say they are finished with dating or they never want to get involved ever again, but when opportunity knocks they are usually all in.

 

Are they? Perhaps, perhaps not.

 

Of course people seek that but how many genuinely find it? Versus how many settle for something that's not really what they want but is better than nothing?

 

Granted we all have different personality make ups. Some of us are more likeable than others, some are more help orientated than other, some ore more lecture orientated than others.

 

Where do your draw the line in terms of compromise, how far do you go toward what you don't want? Or do you simply stand your ground and accept nothing less than what you do want? Is it really rewarding to be with someone you don't want, I guess people will tell me its about sex which it seems everything seems to revolve around.

 

Truthfully how many guys who struggle ever have any real opportunity. I haven't been on a date this year. Nor is anyone interested in going on a date with me either.

 

Aforementioned model chose a breakfast with mutual friends to attack me

"you must put yourself out there, go and meet people, make friends" this debate went on for about 30 min as she pretended to know me, pretended to know what its like to have no success. To say I was unimpressed was the understatement of the century.

[ZA Dater]

That's what stinks about message boards in general. You have to choose your words properly, or otherwise they'll attempt to spin off onto a tangent subject.

 

The irony is personality wise we are quite compatible and in my younger years I actually thought that mattered for something. She has been through a string of guys, none have apparently been suitable but the point is she can find guys easily. The search is easier even if the end result isn't.

[JuneJulySeptember]

My opinion is that a relationship should never be BAD, stressful, detrimental.

 

Almost everybody depending on their personality will think either at times or even often that they can get 'somebody better' or ... a better match at least, whether they've been together 20 days or 20 years. Or at some moments, you'd really just rather be alone than with that person.

 

However, if you 1) cause your partner stress or misery or 2) put your partner down because you feel you can do better, than in my mind, you kind of suck.

 

Also, it goes without saying that if you put your partner down for no good reason (or really any reason), beat your partner, cheat on your partner, or create distrust and deceit, or bicker with every partner you have had, then you are the source of the misery.

 

In my opinion, the very worst consequence of a relationship should be that somebody gets their heart broken when one person gets dumped and the reason should be 'we are not a match'. Irreconcilable differences. Nothing else needs to be said. Maybe you're not attracted to your partner at all. Well, just keep it to your f@cking self, break up with them, and find somebody else.

 

It should never get to the point where your partner has to badmouth your character after you have broken up. Perhaps certain personality quirks. But not character.

Edited September 5, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Inflikted]

Struggling dudes struggle because of one thing; they want what they cannot have. Plenty of ugly guys with little to no social skills find someone to date. They date women like themselves. Generally, the guys who struggle are busy trying to hook up with "an extremely attractive model," and ignore the ladies they might actually have a shot with.

 

While this undoubtedly happens to an extent, I don't think it's really as simple as people reaching to get something that's too good for them rather than accepting what's on their level.

 

What it comes down to more, from my limited and narrow perspective, is what one is pursuing. If you're a guy that's driven primarily by sexual gratification and is intent on hooking up with the "hottest" girl you can find, sure, you'll probably chase after a lot of people that are way out of your league. But, on the flip side, persistence can pay off in odd ways, in this regard. If you're an unattractive guy that's determined to bed a supermodel, chances are, you can do it at least once if you pursue it hard enough.

 

As pessimistic as I am in general, though, I don't believe people are quite that superficial. I've seen plenty of couples in which the woman was WAY more physically attractive than their partner. I'm not entirely sure what brings those people together, but it happens.

 

The other discussion point to bring up is the subject of "settling". Now, there's different perspectives to settling. Some will say that you should never settle. Others say that the "Never settle" attitude is bad and causes people to waste time and energy chasing unicorns.

 

I don't know where the truth lies in there, but I question whether it's sound advice to tell someone that they should specifically try to get with people that are less attractive. Now, yes, one could very well develop a connection with someone that they didn't previously find attractive. But to specifically target people that one doesn't find to be that attractive? Eh.

 

I guess my thought process is, if it were the other way around, and I knew that someone saw me and thought "Ew... He's not very attractive... But, maybe I should try to get with him because I don't have very many other options", I don't think I'd be all too pleased with that, even if that person realized that I was a good partner all along. That's certainly not the way I'd want a relationship to begin.

[JuneJulySeptember]

]

 

I guess my thought process is, if it were the other way around, and I knew that someone saw me and thought "Ew... He's not very attractive... But, maybe I should try to get with him because I don't have very many other options", I don't think I'd be all too pleased with that, even if that person realized that I was a good partner all along. That's certainly not the way I'd want a relationship to begin.

 

Well, you probably don't want a woman who thought you were gross the first time.

 

But there are a lot of guys who will never be found handsome or hot or even cute 'off the bat' by any women. A good amount I would say. Maybe a quarter. Maybe more.

 

Guys are much more 'all over the board' with what they consider hot/beautiful/cute, etc.

 

So, while ideally, yea you'd want a woman to think you were 'handsome off the bat', that won't be the case for a lot of guys.

[Inflikted]

Well, you probably don't want a woman who thought you were gross the first time.

 

But there are a lot of guys who will never be found handsome or hot or even cute 'off the bat' by any women. A good amount I would say. Maybe a quarter. Maybe more.

 

Guys are much more 'all over the board' with what they consider hot/beautiful/cute, etc.

 

So, while ideally, yea you'd want a woman to think you were 'handsome off the bat', that won't be the case for a lot of guys.

 

Well, that's not particularly what I meant. What I was getting at is that, ideally, I'd rather person A not mentally sort person B into a specific category based on looks. I'd like to think that two people can meet and connect without looks being an immediate factor.

 

Of course, I'm not naive, and I understand that most people, if only subconsciously, DO judge people pretty quickly based on looks and physical traits.

 

I just feel like it's not completely sound advice to tell someone to go look for and try to date people they don't find attractive, in hopes that something more will develop. I certainly wouldn't want to be someone's attempt to "date down".

[redbaron007]

Honest question. I am sure we have people here who have gone from unable to find a girlfriend to actually having one.

 

My question is, were the ends worth it? I realise this is a very cold unemotional question but taking emotion out of it for a minute, does the companionship, shared sense of being and having that person as a partner ultimately worth the endless searching?

....

 

It is an interesting question, so though I've not reached an "end", I'll take a shot at commenting. When we think about an entity or experience that is "worth it", it automatically means we are investing something, maybe energy, time, money, emotions or some/all of these in the hope of deriving a future benefit (which btw you have articulated well). And there is an additional "opportunity cost", i.e. could this investment be made somewhere else that is "worth more". E.g. Okay, so I got a GF, but I wonder if all the time I spent on those OLD-generated blind dates paid off? Is she really "worth it" or could I have done better attending a golf clinic/training seminar/bootstrapping a business on the side, etc.etc.

 

When we are younger, this consideration is never an issue since we (males, mainly) are driven by hormones to find, woo, bed a mate, but as we get older and experienced, the "is it worth it" question becomes more relevant to us.

 

Personally speaking, I have resolved this question by trying to render the question itself irrelevant. I don't invest any time/money/emotional energy in searching for a mate. I'm not on OLD sites and don't sit and wait at a bar/cafe/bookstore/mall/park trying to find a mate. Instead, I'm gonna engage in activities that I like, and in doing so, if I find someone who I find attractive, I'll approach and see where it goes, in a somewhat serendipitous manner. Dating would involve enjoying activities both find interesting and fun. If it doesn't go anywhere, I have not wasted any time/money/emotional energy, since the primary focus of the activity was to have fun and enrich my life, not focused on finding a mate. In the past year, I became fit (though I did not meet a GF at gym), learnt German (though I did not meet a GF at this course), started street photography (not met a GF on the street yet), learning West Coast Swing (not met a GF here yet) and will start guitar class this week (may not meet a GF at this class either). I will keep enriching my life (keyboard lessons to follow in Oct) and though I hope that I will meet a lifetime partner with a shared sense of purpose, if I don't meet anyone, I will not have the feeling that I have "wasted" any time/money/emotional energy.

Edited September 6, 2016 by redbaron007

[ZA Dater]

Good answer. I think there is some merit in this however its very person specific. I know my interests are not ones which ladies enjoy and I actually don't have much time to do other things, maybe that's the real problem but I also don't feel inclined to do more than I do at the moment.

 

Most of the things I do are things I do on my own.

 

I agree with you that your strategy is a good one.

 

At 32 I must be honest I feel a certain amount of regret I never did the whole woo, bed hot ladies, couldn't morally do it and I guess I hid behind that because I simply don't have the skills to be able to charm someone. From a young age I always attached a worth versus end goal to everything I do. Which is probably why I learnt not to chase what I had no realistic chance with. Every time I did chase it was someone who objectively I would have a better chance of success with and yet....there was no success at all.

 

I think about the times I did try and its inordinately tough to find much positive out of those experiences primarily because I don't know how to flirt or how to show interest even, yes I have read books, yes I have watched videos so ultimately the frustration factor is simply not knowing how or what to say.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I just feel like it's not completely sound advice to tell someone to go look for and try to date people they don't find attractive, in hopes that something more will develop. I certainly wouldn't want to be someone's attempt to "date down".

 

It depends.

 

You have to understand that some people, particularly women, don't look at people as attractive versus unattractive. There's attractive off the bat, there's unattractive, and there's people who are like 'nothing'.

 

So, some women date guys who are 'nothing', hoping something will develop later. I would venture to guess my current GF thought that way about me. I can't confirm it (and I hope she's smart enough not to), but that's my track record and she hasn't said she thought I was hot or handsome.

 

You shouldn't think of it as dating down either. It's bad for your mentality.

[ZA Dater]

It depends.

 

You have to understand that some people, particularly women, don't look at people as attractive versus unattractive. There's attractive off the bat, there's unattractive, and there's people who are like 'nothing'.

 

So, some women date guys who are 'nothing', hoping something will develop later. I would venture to guess my current GF thought that way about me. I can't confirm it (and I hope she's smart enough not to), but that's my track record and she hasn't said she thought I was hot or handsome.

 

You shouldn't think of it as dating down either. It's bad for your mentality.

 

I have always maintained that the person you date must be the person you actually want to be with. However, I also think some ladies end up with people who perhaps are not what they want but good enough to date.

 

Last year I met someone not exceptional but nice enough, I'd have dated her because we could intellectually communicate well, she had one dinner with me and went back to tinder immediately. My point is, in this circumstance I was happy to compromise, she wasn't which again leads me to believe ladies have more choice and an easier search in general.

 

Nothing any of us can do can change those odds. Going on step further I think if a person lacks sex appeal they wont ever be successful at all. Ultimately ones desirability is determined by ones physical attractiveness and as sad it is that's pretty much the truth.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Last year I met someone not exceptional but nice enough, I'd have dated her because we could intellectually communicate well, she had one dinner with me and went back to tinder immediately. My point is, in this circumstance I was happy to compromise, she wasn't which again leads me to believe ladies have more choice and an easier search in general.

 

Nothing any of us can do can change those odds. Going on step further I think if a person lacks sex appeal they wont ever be successful at all. Ultimately ones desirability is determined by ones physical attractiveness and as sad it is that's pretty much the truth.

 

I agree. It'll always stick in my craw that somewhere out there, there is/was a woman who is complete 'simpatico' with me. We get along in every way, have the exact same sense of humor, and she loves all of the same pop culture, she loves sports, etc.

 

However, because of the way things are, not only will we never date, I'll probably never even come close to knowing her because she wouldn't even think of getting to know me.

 

But that's just me. Many people are happy enough to join genes with somebody who is physically attractive and makes good $ and marry at age 26.

 

As far as women having it easier to find somebody attractive and a match, I agree. But they often don't take advantage either. I know a woman who is over 40 and can get dates but she is so super picky. The only guy she has ever dated in her life was a total scumbag and hit on her best friend while they were engaged and in the process of buying a house together.

 

But you know ... hey people have their priorities. They make their own decisions and live with the consequences.

Edited September 6, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Inflikted]

It depends.

 

You have to understand that some people, particularly women, don't look at people as attractive versus unattractive. There's attractive off the bat, there's unattractive, and there's people who are like 'nothing'.

 

So, some women date guys who are 'nothing', hoping something will develop later. I would venture to guess my current GF thought that way about me. I can't confirm it (and I hope she's smart enough not to), but that's my track record and she hasn't said she thought I was hot or handsome.

 

You shouldn't think of it as dating down either. It's bad for your mentality.

 

Eh. My mentality doesn't really matter one way or the other; for me, my absolute best case scenario is that I end up trapped in a relationship with someone that I don't actually like very much, and if that's the best I can aspire to, I'd much rather spend the rest of my life alone. Hence, I don't actually date, nor will I ever. Of course, I still find the subject to be an interesting one to discuss.

 

Anyway, what I'm more trying to get at is the idea that one should "adjust" the type of people they pursue. I mean, like I said, I get that an unattractive person chasing after the most attractive people is akin to someone hoping to find a unicorn.

 

But the thing is, people, for the most part, can't really help who they're attracted to and who they're not attracted to. Again, sure, you might discover you like someone a lot once you get to know them more, even though you didn't find them initially attractive. But I don't really see the merit in specifically pursuing people that you don't find attractive, just because they're "in your league".

 

I don't think I could ever be satisfied with a relationship that resulted from that mentality, whether I was the one "dating down", or whether I'm the one that my rhetorical partner "dated down" to and settled for.

[ZA Dater]

Eh. My mentality doesn't really matter one way or the other; for me, my absolute best case scenario is that I end up trapped in a relationship with someone that I don't actually like very much, and if that's the best I can aspire to, I'd much rather spend the rest of my life alone. Hence, I don't actually date, nor will I ever. Of course, I still find the subject to be an interesting one to discuss.

 

Anyway, what I'm more trying to get at is the idea that one should "adjust" the type of people they pursue. I mean, like I said, I get that an unattractive person chasing after the most attractive people is akin to someone hoping to find a unicorn.

 

But the thing is, people, for the most part, can't really help who they're attracted to and who they're not attracted to. Again, sure, you might discover you like someone a lot once you get to know them more, even though you didn't find them initially attractive. But I don't really see the merit in specifically pursuing people that you don't find attractive, just because they're "in your league".

 

I don't think I could ever be satisfied with a relationship that resulted from that mentality, whether I was the one "dating down", or whether I'm the one that my rhetorical partner "dated down" to and settled for.

 

Agreed totally.

[redbaron007]

Good answer. I think there is some merit in this however its very person specific. I know my interests are not ones which ladies enjoy and I actually don't have much time to do other things, maybe that's the real problem but I also don't feel inclined to do more than I do at the moment.

 

Most of the things I do are things I do on my own.

 

This is fine, as long as the activity you do influences/elicits positive emotions. Why? Because women are all about emotions. From personal experience, they love it when you do something that emotionally moves them. It can be street photography (like Humans of NY) or art (that you can show them on your phone). If you play a musical instrument, be good enough to play in a small band playing locally, so you can say "you can check us out Friday night at XYZ". Dancing is a good way to build confidence because men are taught how to lead women. You are also indirectly showing them you have a "life" and a sense of purpose/direction and confident, unlike other guys who run after them begging for numbers.

 

 

I agree with you that your strategy is a good one.

 

At 32 I must be honest I feel a certain amount of regret I never did the whole woo, bed hot ladies, couldn't morally do it and I guess I hid behind that because I simply don't have the skills to be able to charm someone. From a young age I always attached a worth versus end goal to everything I do. Which is probably why I learnt not to chase what I had no realistic chance with. Every time I did chase it was someone who objectively I would have a better chance of success with and yet....there was no success at all.

 

I think about the times I did try and its inordinately tough to find much positive out of those experiences primarily because I don't know how to flirt or how to show interest even, yes I have read books, yes I have watched videos so ultimately the frustration factor is simply not knowing how or what to say.

 

At 32, you're young. I'm 40+ and I consider myself in my prime.

 

My guess is you have simply not approached and talked to enough women. If you are shy by nature, you need to first have "neutral" (non-flirty) conversations with your local barista, supermarket checkout girl, woman behind you in a line, girl sitting next to you on a train, etc. Once you are comfortable with conversing with stranger-women, then you can be bolder and start flirting with them. For someone who has never done it before (like myself a year ago), it is excruciatingly difficult at first, but it becomes amazingly easier with practice. Other common pitfalls are one-itis (fixating on one individual woman) and being too outcome-focused (i.e. getting her number or taking her home) or the Nice Guy syndrome (I am polite and friendly to her, so she's got to like me, or else it means she likes jerks). I remember you have one-itis based on your earlier threads, but you may also have a few of the other issues I mentioned. Simplest way is to go out there and talk and flirt with as many women as you can without worrying about the outcome. It's a numbers game.

Edited September 7, 2016 by redbaron007

[ZA Dater]

This is fine, as long as the activity you do influences/elicits positive emotions. Why? Because women are all about emotions. From personal experience, they love it when you do something that emotionally moves them. It can be street photography (like Humans of NY) or art (that you can show them on your phone). If you play a musical instrument, be good enough to play in a small band playing locally, so you can say "you can check us out Friday night at XYZ". Dancing is a good way to build confidence because men are taught how to lead women. You are also indirectly showing them you have a "life" and a sense of purpose/direction and confident, unlike other guys who run after them begging for numbers.

 

 

 

 

At 32, you're young. I'm 40+ and I consider myself in my prime.

 

My guess is you have simply not approached and talked to enough women. If you are shy by nature, you need to first have "neutral" (non-flirty) conversations with your local barista, supermarket checkout girl, woman behind you in a line, girl sitting next to you on a train, etc. Once you are comfortable with conversing with stranger-women, then you can be bolder and start flirting with them. For someone who has never done it before (like myself a year ago), it is excruciatingly difficult at first, but it becomes amazingly easier with practice. Other common pitfalls are one-itis (fixating on one individual woman) and being too outcome-focused (i.e. getting her number or taking her home) or the Nice Guy syndrome (I am polite and friendly to her, so she's got to like me, or else it means she likes jerks). I remember you have one-itis based on your earlier threads, but you may also have a few of the other issues I mentioned. Simplest way is to go out there and talk and flirt with as many women as you can without worrying about the outcome. It's a numbers game.

 

Thanks, I had a long think about this last night. Simply put I have better more fulfilling opportunities in the work and writing world than to go back and try all of this over again. I sit down and work or I sit down and write, I have control over the outcome in its entirety.

 

Whereas dating, I have no control at all, I have no idea what the person wants, what they like and one wrong word can mess up something which could have been nice, that just not my idea of fun to be honest. Yes, I'd like some of the fruits of the dating process and I still maintain I have lots to give but ultimately every time I go back to it I just feel profound hurt and disappointment and a dire lack of self worth based on the outcomes of my prior attempts.

 

I undoubtedly suffer from 100% nice guy syndrome as well as a few others you listed above and I guess I try mitigate those by trying to make myself happy with scraps of what I want, unfortunately those scraps don't last very long.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I will also mention that a life without women and family is a life lived on your own terms.

 

Supporting just yourself doesn't take a lot of $ and you can pursue whatever you want.

 

If I decided to change careers to something more fulfilling, then I'd have to go back to school. I'd probably be making no money for the next 5-6 years. Would my girlfriend be OK with footing my bill for going out for that period? Doubtful.

 

But not only that, the time that you free up by being single to pursue whatever you want ... it's an amazing amount of time. You could learn to ski, play the trumpet, ballroom dance.

 

When you are dating, the amount of time you have in between work and being with that person and keeping up with friends is almost nil.

 

This is more for loner personalities. Most people would have no desire to pursue the types of things I pursue.

[ZA Dater]

I will also mention that a life without women and family is a life lived on your own terms.

 

Supporting just yourself doesn't take a lot of $ and you can pursue whatever you want.

 

If I decided to change careers to something more fulfilling, then I'd have to go back to school. I'd probably be making no money for the next 5-6 years. Would my girlfriend be OK with footing my bill for going out for that period? Doubtful.

 

But not only that, the time that you free up by being single to pursue whatever you want ... it's an amazing amount of time. You could learn to ski, play the trumpet, ballroom dance.

 

When you are dating, the amount of time you have in between work and being with that person and keeping up with friends is almost nil.

 

This is more for loner personalities. Most people would have no desire to pursue the types of things I pursue.

 

There is a lot of merit to that.

 

 

I have however lived an almost friendless life, for whatever reason I have never really been able to make friends, I have two friends which isn't a high number at all and part of me just want a girl friend to have a friend, mostly though I think I am a good guy who could make someone really happy.

 

 

Yes, lots of people know me, my passion is something very unique and something I have been involved in for many years, its a tightly knit group of mostly older people who I have really grown up around to a point, we are all very different but we all have a common interest.

 

 

Its this which has made me look for common interests/ideas/ways of thinking and that's very tough to find.

 

 

The oft repeated K is the only person who I have found shares common interests and talents with me and I guess a lot of attraction is based on the fact I can have a conversation about common interest things and there is a intelligence factor.

 

 

I do believe ultimately IF you can find that person you really like the end result however fleeting would be ABSOLUTELY worth it but if you lurch from one disappointment to the next, one rejection to the next then I think the end doesn't seem worth it anymore.

[carhill]

Honest question. I am sure we have people here who have gone from unable to find a girlfriend to actually having one.

 

My question is, were the ends worth it?

 

Having walked the path you've outlined over your tenure at LS, and having had girlfriends and being married, nah.

 

I would opine that, for those people relationships and marriages come easy to, meaning they move from one to another basically since puberty, sure. IME, I could have changed the world with the time and life's work I wasted on women. All for nothing more than reproduction. On the other end of life it's pretty clear. For another guy it's gushing over the latest great grandchild he bounces on his knee, or cusses about because he's, yet again, in prison.

 

Pass.