Hurting even if I know its right

[hurting1078]

I just ended a 5 year what started out as an affair. As we both became single; it became an emotionally manipulative relationship in which I became so codependent from his mind games that I hardly felt I could function anymore. He got to the point where sleeping with other women and sharing pictures with me was a turn on for him and an expectation that it would be for me too. He stopped expressing care or love for me and things became centered solely around the physical.I found out about numerous lies and yet he still played the innocent card the entire time, turning things around as if I was needy or insecure and that was the problem.. He even said it wasn't fun to continue convincing me that he 'wanted us' when I told him I needed to hear that he cared for me or loved me which he hadn't said in 8 months. I am so hurt even though I finally stood up for myself. All I could muster was that this was hurtful and that I was worth more.

I even find myself wondering if he will come back...

Why would I do that and why does it hurt even knowing what I know?

I feel lifeless today..

[cozycottagelg]

I wish I could hug you. You will get through this. You already took a HUGE step and ended a very toxic relationship. Keep posting, you'll get stronger every day!

[Adoraxx]

I just ended a 5 year what started out as an affair. As we both became single; it became an emotionally manipulative relationship in which I became so codependent from his mind games that I hardly felt I could function anymore. He got to the point where sleeping with other women and sharing pictures with me was a turn on for him and an expectation that it would be for me too. He stopped expressing care or love for me and things became centered solely around the physical.I found out about numerous lies and yet he still played the innocent card the entire time, turning things around as if I was needy or insecure and that was the problem.. He even said it wasn't fun to continue convincing me that he 'wanted us' when I told him I needed to hear that he cared for me or loved me which he hadn't said in 8 months. I am so hurt even though I finally stood up for myself. All I could muster was that this was hurtful and that I was worth more.

I even find myself wondering if he will come back...

Why would I do that and why does it hurt even knowing what I know?

I feel lifeless today..

 

It will get better, hurting. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself!! You knew that this wasn't right and you ended it. He clearly didn't treat you the way you should have been treated!! It's awful when they start to tell you that it's you and your neediness and insecurities and it makes you doubt yourself... But obviously you're seeing it very clear for what it is and you are worth so much more than his pathetic crumbs.

 

He will come back. They always do. But hopefully you'll be able to delete him from your life completely. Has the A ended many times before? Probably so? Was he usually the one to end it or you?

 

Hugs!!

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

You do deserve more, and you've done the right thing.

 

 

Here is something I put together for myself when I was hurting. Some of it might help you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase, You are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

 

Take care.

[hurting1078]

It will get better, hurting. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself!! You knew that this wasn't right and you ended it. He clearly didn't treat you the way you should have been treated!! It's awful when they start to tell you that it's you and your neediness and insecurities and it makes you doubt yourself... But obviously you're seeing it very clear for what it is and you are worth so much more than his pathetic crumbs.

 

He will come back. They always do. But hopefully you'll be able to delete him from your life completely. Has the A ended many times before? Probably so? Was he usually the one to end it or you?

 

Hugs!!

 

Every time before when he would sense me questioning his interest due to some valid reason he would give me the silent treatment or act like he was being gracious by accepting my apology. I realize it was emotional manipulation but I couldn't escape from it because I couldn't imagine my life without him. He took this further and further until he was giving almost nothing and taking everything. He has to know how good I was to him. I just can't understand how he could be cold and not listen to my genuine attempts to communicate and to get what I needed from him. It's so hard to accept that 5 years and he must have never cared.

[Satu]

He sounds very narcissistic.

 

He may not have the full-blown disorder, but he definitely has some traits.

 

 

Take care.

[Adoraxx]

Every time before when he would sense me questioning his interest due to some valid reason he would give me the silent treatment or act like he was being gracious by accepting my apology. I realize it was emotional manipulation but I couldn't escape from it because I couldn't imagine my life without him. He took this further and further until he was giving almost nothing and taking everything. He has to know how good I was to him. I just can't understand how he could be cold and not listen to my genuine attempts to communicate and to get what I needed from him. It's so hard to accept that 5 years and he must have never cared.

 

he is just like my xMM... He did everything that you described and I still don't understand how it's possible that he can go cold within a heartbeat. I've tried to communicate with him too but men like our xMM's won't listen. It's like they have no empathy whatsoever.

 

It's indeed really hard to accept that he never cared.. and that's what I'm struggling with too

 

And yes, def. narcissistic/ psychopathic

[Mayday2016]

he is just like my xMM... He did everything that you described and I still don't understand how it's possible that he can go cold within a heartbeat. I've tried to communicate with him too but men like our xMM's won't listen. It's like they have no empathy whatsoever.

 

It's indeed really hard to accept that he never cared.. and that's what I'm struggling with too

 

And yes, def. narcissistic/ psychopathic

 

 

It's a complete lack,of empathy. Care. Concern. Etc.

 

They're sociopaths. This was my xMM, I was 8 months pregnant and he was having me to try arrange for a 3Some before I had the baby. Because once I had that baby I was no use to him anymore. And I was not. He stopped contacting me for sex when she was 6 weeks old. Thank God because if he hadnt of done the disconnect, i would probably still be waiting to hear from him. Lots of healing has had to happen these last 7 months. Unfortunately, I'm stuck,in an angry phase.

 

Best of luck. You'll get past this. It just takes so long.

[Ahurtgirl]

Sending you a hug! I'm probably the last person to give any advise as I am only two weeks out from having a 4.5 year affair end which was not by my choice but it ended just the less. You are a better person than me, as I could never have ended it myself. I tried a couple times in the first year of our affair but he would always beg me to come back to him and I would give in because I loved him so much. I'm at the point of anger today but up until today, I was barely getting out of bed and eating and sleeping are still hard to do. Just do what you need to do to heal from this and trust that better days are ahead.

[hurting1078]

Sending you a hug! I'm probably the last person to give any advise as I am only two weeks out from having a 4.5 year affair end which was not by my choice but it ended just the less. You are a better person than me, as I could never have ended it myself. I tried a couple times in the first year of our affair but he would always beg me to come back to him and I would give in because I loved him so much. I'm at the point of anger today but up until today, I was barely getting out of bed and eating and sleeping are still hard to do. Just do what you need to do to heal from this and trust that better days are ahead.

 

My hair is already brushing out in bunches. My throat is sore, I feel physically very ill. The memories keep rushing back and I keep wondering if he will reach out as much as he hurt me . I just want to cry because it's so hard to accept he must have cared so little. I was a willing pawn for his kink and nothing more .

[Rikki67]

The physical hurt is awful. I have to make myself eat. My stomach is in knots. I know how you feel. We all do! We are here for eachother!

Cry all you want. Let it out! (((Hurting1078)))

[Satu]

Trauma and painful emotions take a heavy toll on the body.

 

I know that from my own experiences.

 

If you can get some massage or reflexology it would help, as would yoga and gentle exercise.

 

If your appetite is gone, buy some protein bars that sports people use, and make yourself eat one when you can.

 

Drink enough water.

 

Get out of this house every day.

 

Go sit in the park and feed the birds and squirrels.

 

Watch the clouds pass across the sky.

 

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Satu,

 

Thanks for the link. Bookmarked it for future BS in te future.

[Satu]

Here is a poem for the people posting in this thread.

 

 

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;

Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

 

- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

[Clockwatching]

Satu - that was beautiful.

 

Satu has given you some great advice - learn to take care of yourself again and what it is to love yourself as much as you love others, you've been punishing yourself too long by asking for love and care from someone who is unable to give it. That's why it hurts, you keep asking for your heart to be filled from someone who drains you and makes you feel worthless and your heart insignificant - you are stardust and a magical part of this universe, take the time to heal yourself and remember who you are. Your soul is meant for better things but you must treat yourself with what you deserve first, big hugs xxx

[hurting1078]

Satu - that was beautiful.

 

Satu has given you some great advice - learn to take care of yourself again and what it is to love yourself as much as you love others, you've been punishing yourself too long by asking for love and care from someone who is unable to give it. That's why it hurts, you keep asking for your heart to be filled from someone who drains you and makes you feel worthless and your heart insignificant - you are stardust and a magical part of this universe, take the time to heal yourself and remember who you are. Your soul is meant for better things but you must treat yourself with what you deserve first, big hugs xxx

 

Can't sleep tonight for wondering who he's out sleeping with somewhere. :(

[sandylee1]

Don't waste your energy thinking about him. He's a nasty man and deserves to be on his own. I wonder what makes some people so horrible. Perhaps unbringing, genetics, poor role models. Whatever it is ... you're well rid of him.

 

Don't ever be with a man like him again. He'll erode your self esteem and make you feel worthless.

[hurting1078]

Don't waste your energy thinking about him. He's a nasty man and deserves to be on his own. I wonder what makes some people so horrible. Perhaps unbringing, genetics, poor role models. Whatever it is ... you're well rid of him.

 

Don't ever be with a man like him again. He'll erode your self esteem and make you feel worthless.

 

 

So I found out he's had the 22 year old staying at his place pretty much every night since. What in the world would a 37 year old see in a 22 year old? What is he doing? And why do I just feel like I meant nothing.

[imperfectangel]

You have to ask what a older man would want wit a younger woman? Really?

[hurting1078]

You have to ask what a older man would want wit a younger woman? Really?

 

Do you come here often to sarcastically insult people who are already hurting? Is it fun for you?

[hurting1078]

So I found out he's had the 22 year old staying at his place pretty much every night since. What in the world would a 37 year old see in a 22 year old? What is he doing? And why do I just feel like I meant nothing.

 

He started trying to talk to me again, & stupidly I did. He said the 22-year-old was just a friend with benefits and I guess he's managed down my expectations so much that I was almost OK with that as long as I was still the important one to him. Crazy I know. Over the weekend I saw that she had posted a picture on Instagram of the two of them saying meet the special man in my life who I'm so thankful for. I told him I had seen it and he made up some story about her doing it without his knowledge and it wasn't really like that. He even said she had gotten a DUI and he only went there to pick her up as a favor. I told him that he didn't have to lie for me in a very kind way and he didn't respond for two days so yesterday I deleted everything including my email address. He does still have my phone number but I have no idea if he will try to reach out since he knows that Mask is off completely now. I don't know why I feel so hurt and abandoned and sad.

[SeenNotHeard]

I am new here, but I have read a lot of the threads. Honestly, don't know what to say to your last post. This AF you refer to really blows my mind how cruel. Wow.

[BluesPower]

You really have to cut this guy out of your life.

 

He does not care for you, it is obvious.

 

Just stay strong and let him go. You need to do this for you.

 

You will find someone that will love you the right way.

 

Hugs to you...

[hurting1078]

You really have to cut this guy out of your life.

 

He does not care for you, it is obvious.

 

Just stay strong and let him go. You need to do this for you.

 

You will find someone that will love you the right way.

 

Hugs to you...

 

Thank you and oh I agree. I simply do not understand why he pretended to for so long. 5 years is a lot of time to just waste in order to get sex from someone you don't even care about...but who knows. I know I'm not capable of such a heartless act