Father wont speak to me. What should I do?

[SamanthaX]

My father has stopped talking to me.I just got back from a 5 day trip with my father and monther for the wedding anniversiry and father's day. My father's 60th birthday is coming up and I wanted to go on a vacation with my fiance and his family. My father told me I hurt him, that I was selfish and contentious. I am beside myself. I feel horrible. However, my parents dont really allow my sister and I to have a normal life apart from the family. They are pretty co-dependent. As a result my sister I grew up with few friends and poor social skills. We are now 28 and 26 (i am older) and they continue to place massive amounts of guilt on us for not coming and doing everything with them. I understand that a 60th birthday is important but my father was the type of guy that always told you you werent good enough, made up for his absence with money, left my college graduation early for a business trip, never saw one soccer or basketball game of mine in highschool. He is so emotional but I cant help but feel guilty. What should I do?

[curiousnycgirl]

You cannot change the way your father behaves, only how you react to it. You give some pretty compelling reasons to show that major events don't seem to be important to your parents - so why can't you give yourself a break?

 

You need to recognize that HE is the one being selfish, not you. Only children insist on celebrating their birthday on the exact day - a 60 year old should be able to accomodate other people's lives, recognize that you are planning a trip (with others) - and allow you to plan a celebration for when everyone can be involved.

 

Simply speaking - you need to take the emotion out of your response to this type of behavior and respond calmly and rationally. Tell him that you regret that this trip, planned by others, will be over his birthday - but that you would like to plan something either before or after. Tell him that if that does not work for him, then you regret that HE is excluding you from celebrating this event in his life - but you understand and it is what it is.

 

Hope that helps - although I'll be honest I've tried this type of stuff with my parents, and they just don't bend. However by taking the emotion out (which causes me to feel guilty) I have learned to be able to see it for what it is, manipulative BS. Once I was able to see that, I was able to stop feeling so bad about MY actions, and put the blame where it really belongs - with THEM.

[quankanne]

good observation, curious -- it seems like parents fall into the "good cop-bad cop routine," and the kids are the ones stuck with the problems. Your best bet? Stop getting sucked into his mind game and tell him flat out that yes, you're sorry you won't be able to celebrate his birthday with him, but you hope he has an enjoyable time. Period. No apologies, no trying to explain yourself, no feeling guilty about it. If it helps, think of him as the child and you the parent, and you're not putting up with temper tantrums or nonsense. Sometimes just thinking of a relationship in those terms cuts out all the BS, you know?

 

no one should get away with treating you disrespectfully, even family, even parents. Tell him that while HE may not be talking to you because he's in a snit, that's all right, you still love him just the same. But if he keeps it up, he's going to be getting a dose of his own medicine, that you can pout/complain/gripe/whatever much louder and much longer than he could possibly imagine, so he really needs to second think going there. Hopefully this will help him to see just what a jerk he's being, and that you're on to him and this kind of behavior is not acceptable.

 

mind you, being the dutiful child, you probably will feel guilty for even *thinking* this way, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Even with your parents. Because that's one of the tough little lessons you learn about being a grown up.

 

good luck, and don't let his behavior get the best of you, which is what he wants.