Anyone ever got MM/MW To fess up to why they didn't ever leave the M?

[ladydesigner]

My MM has told me he has to at least make an effort to reconcile. He is now on effort #2. She is the one who wants this marriage, but expects him to do all the work. We`ll see how it holds up this time around.

 

After an A unfortunately the bulk of the work falls on the WS to help heal the M since they stepped out. M issues shouldn't be dealt with until after the A destruction is dealt with.

[Midwestmissy]

Midnight, you may have addressed this already, but are you still married? If so, why don't you leave?

[ladydesigner]

I'd think he would want to avoid that line of questioning like the plague as mm are usually conflict avoidant and would provide the type of answer that will cause the least harm

 

^^^This^^^ is how most MM are. They are both conflict avoidant with the wife and the AP. No one gets the REAL answer.

[Daisy2013]

I will play, here are some reasons given to me:

 

1. I'm a Christian and made a vow even though the marriage isn't right and I settled;

 

2. I need to be an example for my grown children who are married (none of the kids were his and his wife's together and she doesn't treat them well. He knowledges this, but see reason 4);

 

3. I don't like conflict;

 

4. I am not getting another divorce. (This would be his 3rd and his 2nd divorce with the mother of his kids gave him a run for his money in court for years);

 

5. I have all of these roles to play at church, home and work, and have to play the game and be what they want; and

 

6. I love you and don't know what the future holds, so let's hang onto our dream of being together, and maybe one day we will. But I don't know when or how.

 

That's all I can think of for now.

[Arieswoman]

Here are some reasons given to other girls i have known ( I'm a BS BTW )

 

1. I can't leave the house I paid for.

2. I can't leave until little Johnny goes to school, until he goes to college, until he leaves home, until my wife goes back to work, until Nelson gets his eye back.

3. It would upset my kid(s)

4. I would not get custody of the dog, the sofa, the power tools or the car.

5. I can't leave because she's my best friend, she does my accounts, we have her mother/my mother living with us.

6. I'm a Catholic/Protestant/Seventh Day Adventist/Mormon and we don't believe in divorce.

 

Yawn

 

PS I did ask my exH why he didn't leave and he said that "He didn't know what he wanted"

[DKT3]

Midnight, you may have addressed this already, but are you still married? If so, why don't you leave?

 

This is what gets me, many are themselves married and not leaving but bash these guys for doing the same.

 

The answer to this most times truly aren't that deep, mainly they don't leave because they never intended to leave, their marriage isn't how they describe it, and they are having a "normal" sexlife with the wife.

 

But honestly, how many would be involved with a guy who was honest and said my wife is amazing, the sex is great, but I'm a selfish jackazz that what the best of both worlds...so they lie, get what they want by any means.

[Rikki67]

Daisy 2013, Wow. # 1, 2, 3 and 6. That's exactly what my MM says/said.

[Daisy2013]

Daisy 2013, Wow. # 1, 2, 3 and 6. That's exactly what my MM says/said.

 

Gee, I thought I was special. Oh well, in other news....

 

 

You know, sometimes I swear other women are describing my MM and sometimes wonder could it be, then some tiny other detail tells me no. I would love to get my hands on that handbook.

[Poppy47]

He said a few things which did contradict each other but if I summed them up, he would not walk away from his family, his vows, his money, his daughter and he would not - refused to - break up my family. He was very clear he wanted a LTA to see if it would work between us. Only if he was 100% certain would he have felt secure enough to "make the leap" and he was not at that point where he felt positive it would work.

 

So you see the contradiction. The only real truth is he wanted a LTA to complement his marriage. He was honest that he was not unhappy, they were just roommates but he was content, he had been looking for something on the side for years. I would bet it would have been a LTA forever. He never would have left. Why would he have? He would have had it all.

 

xMM pretty much said all those things to me too Midnight. He said he was expected to be a pillar of society and couldn't hurt or disappoint all those people who knew him. Hey, what was I?? Chopped liver on the side?

 

He was very definite about wanting a LTA. Reflection on this.... he wanted something to do when his wife was busy, a bit like a hobby really.

 

BAsically a classic cake eater and coward.

 

In hindsight, I don't put any faith in anything he said at all. You would never get the truth, so no point in pondering. There are better things to do.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

I will play, here are some reasons given to me:

 

1. I'm a Christian and made a vow even though the marriage isn't right and I settled;

 

 

6. I love you and don't know what the future holds, so let's hang onto our dream of being together, and maybe one day we will. But I don't know when or how.

 

That's all I can think of for now.

 

The irony and hypocrisy of number 1 is classic.

 

Having heard all the excuses in numbers 1 to 5, number 6 is pure bull.

 

But really, why would he leave when you are available and always will be for him? Why loose money in a divorce to get sex with an OW, when you can get it while married and tell the OW you're not leaving and she still sticks around. He'd be a fool to leave that cushy number.

[ImaginaryDream]

I think I'm a little different than everyone here... I've been with my MM over 3 years now, and not once has he ever spoken to me of his wife and family. When our affair initially started, we laid out the rules (very business like...) the main rule being: He will never, ever leave his family. He didn't give me reasons, but really... I don't need any. His family means more to him than anything. Deep down I know he is terrified of losing his children, because it's the first time he ever truly felt unconditional love for another. I'm realistic enough to know that I could never compete with that. I literally know nothing about his relationship with his wife, but I can only expect they have a normal sex life and get along just fine.

 

The only time I've ever asked why he is doing this with me was in the beginning.. We just have some things we enjoy doing physically that most people don't, and so it started out as, "this is purely sex, we have to live out these thoughts/fantasies we never thought we could have" etc etc.. and I thought I was fine with that. And initially, I was. But as it went on and on... I grew more and more attached to him and before I knew it.. I was head over heels for this man. I've never asked for more from him because I know it's something that will absolutely never happen. I'm struggling with it now, intensely. I know I should stop but I can't.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is what gets me, many are themselves married and not leaving but bash these guys for doing the same.

 

The answer to this most times truly aren't that deep, mainly they don't leave because they never intended to leave, their marriage isn't how they describe it, and they are having a "normal" sexlife with the wife.

 

But honestly, how many would be involved with a guy who was honest and said my wife is amazing, the sex is great, but I'm a selfish jackazz that what the best of both worlds...so they lie, get what they want by any means.

 

I didn't bash him. I put it out there, do you want to leave and take a chance together? I asked him from a motel room, I had left my house. xMM said no. He wanted only a LTA. So it ended. It hurt a lot. What can I say.

 

I am still married. Why? It's not that easy to just up and leave and I had no reason. H knew everything and I asked many times if he wanted to separate and he said no. He loved me enough to fight for me and wait for me to get through all the emotions. I looked at apartments, etc. but he held on to me with an iron grip.

 

I'm in my early 40s. I am attractive, in shape, career, a fun person - and there are hoards of bright, funny sexy women like me out there...alone. There are no men. The men in their 40s- want women in their 20s or 30s. Every single woman told me - if you want work it, fix it, there is nothing out here for you. H really wanted to fix it and he's a decent guy. I love him.

 

Listen, that is life, you cannot always get what you think you want and typically you are better off you didn't get it. I'm just being real. Judge me if you will.

 

I guess the thing is, in each relationship one party loves the other more. It's better to be the person who is loved more than the reverse. My H says the man must always love the woman a little bit more, it's the glue that holds it together.

 

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with".

[MidnightBlue1980]

xMM pretty much said all those things to me too Midnight. He said he was expected to be a pillar of society and couldn't hurt or disappoint all those people who knew him. Hey, what was I?? Chopped liver on the side?

 

He was very definite about wanting a LTA. Reflection on this.... he wanted something to do when his wife was busy, a bit like a hobby really.

 

BAsically a classic cake eater and coward.

 

In hindsight, I don't put any faith in anything he said at all. You would never get the truth, so no point in pondering. There are better things to do.

 

Poppy.

 

My favorite line Poppy was the vows - he said, I took vows in front of God and our community to never leave her. I said, I guess those vows did not include keeping your pants on. He just looked at his feet.

[Daisy2013]

The irony and hypocrisy of number 1 is classic.

 

Having heard all the excuses in numbers 1 to 5, number 6 is pure bull.

 

But really, why would he leave when you are available and always will be for him? Why loose money in a divorce to get sex with an OW, when you can get it while married and tell the OW you're not leaving and she still sticks around. He'd be a fool to leave that cushy number.

 

You have heard all of those excuses, too? I believe him on 1. He says he struggles because the bible says his sin will carry on for generations and that means his kids will be divorced, and he doesn't want that. He says he has to stay because they saw he and their mom divorce and he doesn't want them to see him do it again. He says it is "for better or for worse" and it is difficult for him to stay, but has to. He also says our dream will likely never happen because of all this, but to hold to it. I don't give him sex, it isn't the basis of our relationship. Sex is rare, but we do snuggle and hold each other a lot. I try to believe I am more than whatever it is I am. But, I'm not.

[Onlywhenitrains]

There were times earlier this year when I so desperately wanted that kind of conversation. Felt like that is the only thing I needed to let go, move on etc.

 

The truth is MM are not capable of that. Speaking out the truth, calling it as it is, and dealing with it. If they were, they would've had conversations with their wife about the problems in their marriage and how to solve them before even a slightest idea of an A entered their mind. They didn't. There might be few exceptions to that rule, that's true. No attempt to generalize here.

 

Now....I don't need it. His actions have spoken louder than any words. Closure comes from me.

 

Putting myself into position of needing him to fess up is giving up control over the situation, giving up control over my life, and just simply continuing this mentality of staying a victim. Not my circus, not my monkeys any more.

[BTDT2012]

I told my WH's AP that she could have him, and I told him to go to her. He decided to work on the marriage. Said he would never be able to trust her.

[DKT3]

I didn't bash him. I put it out there, do you want to leave and take a chance together? I asked him from a motel room, I had left my house. xMM said no. He wanted only a LTA. So it ended. It hurt a lot. What can I say.

 

I am still married. Why? It's not that easy to just up and leave and I had no reason. H knew everything and I asked many times if he wanted to separate and he said no. He loved me enough to fight for me and wait for me to get through all the emotions. I looked at apartments, etc. but he held on to me with an iron grip.

 

I'm in my early 40s. I am attractive, in shape, career, a fun person - and there are hoards of bright, funny sexy women like me out there...alone. There are no men. The men in their 40s- want women in their 20s or 30s. Every single woman told me - if you want work it, fix it, there is nothing out here for you. H really wanted to fix it and he's a decent guy. I love him.

 

Listen, that is life, you cannot always get what you think you want and typically you are better off you didn't get it. I'm just being real. Judge me if you will.

 

I guess the thing is, in each relationship one party loves the other more. It's better to be the person who is loved more than the reverse. My H says the man must always love the woman a little bit more, it's the glue that holds it together.

 

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with".

 

It creates an imbalance and allows one to accept mistreatment, as it appears your husband is doing...The thing is everyone has a breaking point. Right now your husband is accepting, right now he is patient. However, I'm guessing it would not take much to pull or push him out if the marriage.

 

Which bring me to a question, do you believe you are abusing your husband?

[Ahurtgirl]

I told my WH's AP that she could have him, and I told him to go to her. He decided to work on the marriage. Said he would never be able to trust her.

 

BTDT2012 - You introduced yourself as having been an AP at an earlier time in a previous post. I find it interesting that he has decided to trust you since you were an AP to another married man yourself as well a long time ago. Is he not aware of your affair as well? How did he decide to not trust his exAP but yet trust you when you have done the same to him? Have you been honest with him as to your involvement with another man at some time in your marriage? It would only be right to be as honest with him as he has been to you about his previous affairs, so he can make a decision on who to really trust. I have a feeling he is basing his decision to trust you because he is unaware of all the facts of your affair.

[BuddyX]

You already mention he's a coward. But he's also smart. He'll never say what you want him to say. For all he knows, you're recording the whole conversation and will replay it to his Wife.

 

But in regards to letting it go. I've posted this numerous times.

 

"Closure’ is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for staying as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have and the only person you need to see again is the person in the mirror. Look at yourself and say ‘I £ucked up, my worth is more than that.’ That’s your closure. You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell."

[DKT3]

Closure is just another attempt at changing the situation, hoping for that hail Mary pass into the end zone.

 

Sometimes it's not worth looking for answers, there is a fine line between understanding and pain shopping. OP I think deep down you know what his honest answer is, but not willing to accept what his actions have told you, you hunt for words to change his actions....but let's be honest affairs are most false words followed but contradictory actions.

 

Like someone use to say here all the time, people show you who they are with actions, believe it and don't be fooled by words.

[norudder]

MM said he's a grown man who has no idea what he wants. Told me I wasnt in competition with his wife, but his "life". He knows what he wants but is afraid. Admitted he's selfish and a coward. He said he hates himself sometimes for being a coward and questions the direction of his life practically every morning in the mirror. He's worried about giving up the comforts of the stable life. He went from college apt to the house his wife's family gave to them. Never had to really "set up house" on his own. I've moved, lived in different countries, and handled the purchase and sale of several homes. I'm comfortable with change. He said it's easier for him to just 'give up' and stay put until things are changed for him. He wants emotional and physical intimacy without having to sacrifice other attachments to get it. Has this whole "pushing through the pain" of life mentality. I used to want to help him, show him another way, but now I see it as 'woe is me'. He'll help himself when he's ready to, which may be never. Trying to get back to not really letting it matter to me one way or the other.

 

Not having answers is hard though. Someone else posted an interesting link about ambivalent grief. Having acknowledgement, recognition, to understand helps us have closure.

 

I also read a story about a woman whose abusive ex was getting remarried. Even though some of the people knew what he did to her, they still went to the wedding. She couldnt understand, wanted to yell "wake up" to them, she felt silenced, invisible. Her reality was out of sync with their reality.

 

Just like it's so hard for us to sync reality with mm. It can happen but its rare for people to acknowledge and confront where their character, values, morals and actions are out of whack. Let alone do the hard work of changing. Goes for ow/ww too.

 

Anyway, hope youre able to let go of the need for answers and eventually let go of the question itself.

[DKT3]

MM said he's a grown man who has no idea what he wants. Told me I wasnt in competition with his wife, but his "life". He knows what he wants but is afraid. Admitted he's selfish and a coward. He said he hates himself sometimes for being a coward and questions the direction of his life practically every morning in the mirror. He's worried about giving up the comforts of the stable life. He went from college apt to the house his wife's family gave to them. Never had to really "set up house" on his own. I've moved, lived in different countries, and handled the purchase and sale of several homes. I'm comfortable with change. He said it's easier for him to just 'give up' and stay put until things are changed for him. He wants emotional and physical intimacy without having to sacrifice other attachments to get it. Has this whole "pushing through the pain" of life mentality. I used to want to help him, show him another way, but now I see it as 'woe is me'. He'll help himself when he's ready to, which may be never. Trying to get back to not really letting it matter to me one way or the other.

 

Not having answers is hard though. Someone else posted an interesting link about ambivalent grief. Having acknowledgement, recognition, to understand helps us have closure.

 

I also read a story about a woman whose abusive ex was getting remarried. Even though some of the people knew what he did to her, they still went to the wedding. She couldnt understand, wanted to yell "wake up" to them, she felt silenced, invisible. Her reality was out of sync with their reality.

 

Just like it's so hard for us to sync reality with mm. It can happen but its rare for people to acknowledge and confront where their character, values, morals and actions are out of whack. Let alone do the hard work of changing. Goes for ow/ww too.

 

Anyway, hope youre able to let go of the need for answers and eventually let go of the question itself.

You believe that? What I get from that is, you don't offer what my wife does, but you're cool enough to sleep with. The rest of it is BS to make it easier on him towards you, placating you if you will.

[sandylee1]

I didn't bash him. I put it out there, do you want to leave and take a chance together? I asked him from a motel room, I had left my house. xMM said no. He wanted only a LTA. So it ended. It hurt a lot. What can I say.

 

I am still married. Why? It's not that easy to just up and leave and I had no reason. H knew everything and I asked many times if he wanted to separate and he said no. He loved me enough to fight for me and wait for me to get through all the emotions. I looked at apartments, etc. but he held on to me with an iron grip.

 

I'm in my early 40s. I am attractive, in shape, career, a fun person - and there are hoards of bright, funny sexy women like me out there...alone. There are no men. The men in their 40s- want women in their 20s or 30s. Every single woman told me - if you want work it, fix it, there is nothing out here for you. H really wanted to fix it and he's a decent guy. I love him.

 

Listen, that is life, you cannot always get what you think you want and typically you are better off you didn't get it. I'm just being real. Judge me if you will.

 

I guess the thing is, in each relationship one party loves the other more. It's better to be the person who is loved more than the reverse. My H says the man must always love the woman a little bit more, it's the glue that holds it together.

 

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with".

Who is the one you love though? Because from memory, this is your second marriage that you've been unfaithful in. The first ended because you cheated (correct me if I'm wrong).

 

Are you yourself capable of monogamy, because from here it looks like you're a serial cheater. I know your current husband cheated too, but you've done it twice now

 

And you're right that men in their 40s can easily get a younger woman. So knowing that why risk your marriage by cheating?

[imperfectangel]

MBs first husband was abusive. No one should stay in a abusive marriage

[imsosad]

Sandy, I dont think it's fair to MB. I also find the comment about men and younger women perplexing. Is getting a man the sole important goal in life? This perception of men as the main source of value in a woman's life contributes to OW sticking around for years.

I dont think it's a good idea to stay in a marriage just because the dating world is rough.

MB, I dont view you as a serial cheater. I feel you're caught up in a bitter mess and doing your best to untangle it. I wish you the best of luck.