Anyone ever got MM/MW To fess up to why they didn't ever leave the M?

[imperfectangel]

Makes me wonder how you can assume all that from one post. You're really out of line with this

[DKT3]

Makes me wonder how you can assume all that from one post. You're really out of line with this

 

It wasn't one post, it was a collection of all the stuff I've read here from her. It's just that one statement summed it up

[privategal]

Not saying you are weak, but it was a weak excuse....you said something before that struck me, and honestly told me what you truly think of your husband and marriage. You said "oh well I should probably focus on my marriage before I have nothing" not your exact words but I'm too lazy to find it. That, right there makes it about the spouse, he is your runner-up. Have you told him that? Have you told him he is only there because the MM won't be? That is being honest with your feelings.

 

Though it's understandable DK that you have feelings and past hurts, many of your posts are very accusatory and you speak about others situations and feelings as if they should handle things as you have handled them or maybe you project your situation and experience.

Either way if midnight said this or anything regarding her marriage it is because she was in a different place, maybe still in the fog etc, but NOW her and her husband are in a new place and its her and her husbands decision on how they will proceed after the affair is over.

She is allowed to grieve her AP openly, her H is her best friend and is understanding, you cannot compare him to you, not midnight to your BS.

Please try and stop attacking or speaking your opinion as if it is fact.

[DKT3]

Though it's understandable DK that you have feelings and past hurts, many of your posts are very accusatory and you speak about others situations and feelings as if they should handle things as you have handled them or maybe you project your situation and experience.

Either way if midnight said this or anything regarding her marriage it is because she was in a different place, maybe still in the fog etc, but NOW her and her husband are in a new place and its her and her husbands decision on how they will proceed after the affair is over.

She is allowed to grieve her AP openly, her H is her best friend and is understanding, you cannot compare him to you, not midnight to your BS.

Please try and stop attacking or speaking your opinion as if it is fact.

 

My point isn't my way was best, honestly I had no clue what I was doing. However, two things were always constant in our relationship, respect and empathy. Empathy wouldn't allow one to take advantage of someone you love, their weakness. In a case of duel infidelity, the second spouse doesn't get to take advantage of the first. True love and empathy would see someone "RELEASES" a spouse who is a second option, and wouldn't continue to subject them to the pain of the betrayal.

 

One of the he major contributors in my decision to divorce was I couldn't see myself treating my wife with the love and compassion that a husband should towards his wife, understanding I simply couldn't be the man she deserved even with her infidelity was heavy on me. She spoke of how cold I was towards her here, how I looked through her, how my face would go from joy to anger as my attention turned from kids to her.

 

I released her as well as myself.

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry DTK3 is correct in his assesments. To greive an AP openly while married is just plain abusive to the BS. If the WS is not willing to look at themselves and their patterns then IMHO it is just as bad as the BS not accepting part of the M crumbling.

[dubliner]

Perhaps mods could move the last posts in this thread to Poppy's new thread - 'grieving for AP and remaining in M' as DTK does make some very interesting points about openly grieving and its affect on the BS that I for one would like to see others opinions on, only I feel it's a bit unfair for me to reply on this thread and go so OT?

How do we ask William?

[dubliner]

Going back to the OP,

CM did explain to me why he stayed in his R, he told me that one day he was sitting at home and he looked around at his perfect kids, perfect home, mum and dad sat in uncomfortable silence while the children played and it was everything he'd wanted, the nuclear family, his ideal.

Even though as he looked at his SO he felt nothing for her but disgust, he wasn't going to be the one to destroy the 'image', the normality, he couldn't be the bad guy.

[privategal]

I'm sorry DTK3 is correct in his assesments. To greive an AP openly while married is just plain abusive to the BS. If the WS is not willing to look at themselves and their patterns then IMHO it is just as bad as the BS not accepting part of the M crumbling.

 

Was referring more to him stating mb views her husband as second choice and also being insulting toward how her husband is handling it etc.

MB and her husbands marriage is their own and she knows her husband and her husband knows her and they are tackling it in their own unique way that works for them and is what's helping her marriage.

She is in Strict NC and doesn't speak to her XAP and her marriage is flourishing so apparently the way it's being handled between them works well.

[Cymbeline]

Going back to the OP,

CM did explain to me why he stayed in his R, he told me that one day he was sitting at home and he looked around at his perfect kids, perfect home, mum and dad sat in uncomfortable silence while the children played and it was everything he'd wanted, the nuclear family, his ideal.

Even though as he looked at his SO he felt nothing for her but disgust, he wasn't going to be the one to destroy the 'image', the normality, he couldn't be the bad guy.

 

Do you believe him?

[dubliner]

Do you believe him?

 

Yes, I do. Because he's become a passenger. In many aspects of his life.

He wants to be the good guy, regardless of how much drama or discomfort it entails, he has to be the good guy, without fault, the rock, leaving a legacy to his children that is him and the life he provided them. He wants the pedestal he put his own father on.

[sandylee1]

imsosad

 

Abusive marriages are a reason to leave and not a reason to cheat.

 

Cheating in 2 marriages counts as a serial cheater to me. What's unfair about saying that? Or you don't agree with that. How many relationships or marriages does one have to cheat in to constitute serial cheating?

 

It seems like a poor way to cope with marital problems to me.

 

The perception of a man being life's goal, must be that of OWS, otherwise why put yourself through unecessary pain and inflict it on someone else. Unless it's done for the hell of it.

 

I often hear comments like I'll never find a man like him or he's my other half or he's perfect for me. A cheating husband being perfection sets a very low bar.

[LimeBlue]

I will play, here are some reasons given to me:

 

1. I'm a Christian and made a vow even though the marriage isn't right and I settled;

 

2. I need to be an example for my grown children who are married (none of the kids were his and his wife's together and she doesn't treat them well. He knowledges this, but see reason 4);

 

3. I don't like conflict;

 

4. I am not getting another divorce. (This would be his 3rd and his 2nd divorce with the mother of his kids gave him a run for his money in court for years);

 

5. I have all of these roles to play at church, home and work, and have to play the game and be what they want; and

 

6. I love you and don't know what the future holds, so let's hang onto our dream of being together, and maybe one day we will. But I don't know when or how.

 

That's all I can think of for now.

 

Except for number 4, my MM told me the exact same things.... if it is not one excuse, then it is another. Then they still have the nerve to try the hook of "we will be together one day", what bull.

[whathappened610]

My MM gave me no answers we just had a day where he didn't take my call while he was at work which was unusual/ never happened before and he never contacted me again. He kinda left it in a NC situation.

 

However we did have talks before that where he told me he wanted to be with me and to just be patient with him and let him figure out things with his kid and finances.

 

I am so disgusted with the way he let it end. I would've preferred some kind of talk or explanation. Silence or nothing makes ya feel like you didn't matter and everything they said was a lie.

 

It's crazy bc I could hear the hurt in his voice when I'd do stuff with my bf and hear how angry he got when I wasn't making him my priority. And the fact he pursued me for months before I fell for him. I wanna believe he did really love me even if he couldn't leave his wife, but I'm just dumbfounded that he'd let it end with silence!

[Chica80]

They'd been together for 6 years. recently engaged when our A started. He said he loved her. He's never given a reason why it started only why we cant be together....

 

1. He wanted to be married, If he didn't get married then he would not get married. ("It's not like you could get married in a year")

2. His family loved her

3. He could not call off the wedding hurt his family hurt her

4. It would ruin his reputation and mine.

5. If we were ever going to be together it could not be like this from A.

6. But the most important reason....His family would never accept him marrying someone who is divorced with children. (he comes from a different culture/religion)

[BTDT2012]

BTDT2012 - You introduced yourself as having been an AP at an earlier time in a previous post. I find it interesting that he has decided to trust you since you were an AP to another married man yourself as well a long time ago. Is he not aware of your affair as well? How did he decide to not trust his exAP but yet trust you when you have done the same to him? Have you been honest with him as to your involvement with another man at some time in your marriage? It would only be right to be as honest with him as he has been to you about his previous affairs, so he can make a decision on who to really trust. I have a feeling he is basing his decision to trust you because he is unaware of all the facts of your affair.

 

I was an AP before my marriage, I when I was a single woman, and much younger. And yes, my current husband is aware of it. My actions were wrong and sinful.When I was an AP, I never wanted or expected him to leave his family. That was a path I would never choose again.

 

He trusts me because my behavior while married to him has been trustworthy, even in the face of his betrayal.

[PickledHead]

I am still with MM so can't say why he didn't leave as the A is still on-going however we had a conversation not so long ago which delved into this.

 

I have never asked him to leave (and never would). I would happily be with him permanently but I came into this knowing it was an A and don't feel it's right to change the rules now, as hard as that is!

 

I am fully aware that MM leavin would have a massively detrimental effect on his life and so I have never raised the subject. It came up off the back of another conversation and MM told me that there is no bad blood in his marriage, there is love there (what kind I don't know) and it's secure. If he were to be with me he fears that I would tire of him quickly and ditch him which would then leave him in a position of having nothing. So theory being why risk the comfort he has for the Unknown. Whilst I don't doubt our compatability I can't see the future and therefore I can't make guarantees that it would last forever so it's an absolute ****ty reality but I get it

[Chica80]

I am still with MM so can't say why he didn't leave as the A is still on-going however we had a conversation not so long ago which delved into this.

 

I have never asked him to leave (and never would). I would happily be with him permanently but I came into this knowing it was an A and don't feel it's right to change the rules now, as hard as that is!

 

I am fully aware that MM leavin would have a massively detrimental effect on his life and so I have never raised the subject. It came up off the back of another conversation and MM told me that there is no bad blood in his marriage, there is love there (what kind I don't know) and it's secure. If he were to be with me he fears that I would tire of him quickly and ditch him which would then leave him in a position of having nothing. So theory being why risk the comfort he has for the Unknown. Whilst I don't doubt our compatability I can't see the future and therefore I can't make guarantees that it would last forever so it's an absolute ****ty reality but I get it

 

 

Hmmmm this is an interesting POV....