Getting the Ex Back 2.0

[SWS1001]

Hi, I'm new here, but I have a situation and I'm looking for opinions and advice from whomever will offer it. I'll just begin by telling my story.

 

Two and a half years ago I met a girl, and within the first week I knew she and I would be great together. We shared many similar interests, we hooked up during our first camping trip together a week after we met, and for the next 6 months the relationship was great. The physical attraction was overwhelming at times. When I met her I had just moved back into my parent's house after losing a significant amount of money trying (and failing) to start a business. At first, my living situation was a non-issue, or at least so I thought; she understood that I was living there for cheap rent until I was able to find enough work to get by and still live the lifestyle I prefer. We fell in love in a few months, and didn't encounter any real problems until about 9 months after we started seeing each other. I found a temporary job and my employer promised to give me a permanent position after that was finished, but right as I was about to move out on my own again, we completed the project and they let me go and didn't offer me a permanent position. During this time, my girlfriend was working very hard to make ends meet as she always does, and she slowly became very annoyed that I wasn't working full time, even though I was doing some self-employed work which is slowly turning into a career. She also became impatient with me living with my parents, and it became a topic of constant conversation and friction between us. She was embarrassed to tell her friends and family that I lived with my parents, and from that point things went downhill. I found out that she had slept with one of her old hookups, and I confronted her about it; she denied it, claiming he slept on the couch, but I knew better, so I left. She wanted to continue seeing me, and a month later we started spending time together again, a couple months after that she said she was still in love with me.

 

The living situation with my parents had not changed however, and I was still struggling to find consistent work. It became too much for her to handle again, she dumped me for a couple weeks, we both hooked up with someone else, and then came back. This happened several times over the following months, interspersed with pretty bad arguments. Earlier this year, after she and I hadn't spoken for 2 months, she contacted me and we began spending time together again, but she said she didn't want a committed relationship and eventually she became intimate with someone else, claiming that we weren't "officially" together, even though we had been sleeping together and dating for almost 2 months at that point. The night it happened, she had asked me if I wanted to see her, but I was asleep. I woke up and saw her texts, and got a strange feeling, so I drove over to her house and through the window saw her half naked kissing this guy from out of town, whom she had just met the day before. I wasn't sneaking around or anything, they were just right there in her living room with the lights on and curtains open. Again, after finding out, I left and resolved to never go back. She immediately tried to get me back, saying she didn't have sex with him, that she wanted a relationship with me, but I couldn't do it because I was so hurt and angry. 2 more months passed, during which she contacted me several times, but I ignored her. I went to delete the several thousand photos of our hiking and camping trips together, and I realized that I missed her. I suddenly understood that she never really felt stable with me and wasn't able to commit to me because I lived with my parents and couldn't find steady work (basically I was a loser and everyone knew it), and I was probably selfish to expect someone to commit to me when I was in that situation. She had tried to tell me this for quite some time, but I just didn't understand. She admitted that she should have just broken up with me and never should have come back, but she loved me so much that she found that difficult. We have been talking on and off again for the past month or so, but things have changed.

 

I admit that I tend to be impatient, and I text too much. I became over-emotional, and I appeared weak and insecure on several occasions. She recently broke up with her rebound boyfriend, and we went to one of our favorite places together a couple weeks ago. All I wanted was to spend a nice evening with her, but she spent pretty much the entire night talking about how she wasn't attracted to me anymore, and only wanted to be friends, and more or less picked apart every aspect of my character and life that she didn't like. Despite this, she couldn't keep her hands off of me, and was very physical the entire night, except she didn't want to take the next step, saying that hooking up was a bad idea. I became angry, and said I wasn't interested in being just friends with her, which is true. She cried, but said she just didn't feel that way toward me anymore. For the next several days, I appeared needy and hopeless. I know this was the wrong thing to do, and I've since completely reversed my approach. A few nights ago I resolved to stop all that nonsense after spending time with some new friends, one of which was an extremely attractive girl who expressed interest in me. That evening I texted my ex and told her that I was just going to take a massive step back and leave everything behind because I had just met some new friends, and didn't want to force something she didn't want. She immediately texted back, "Ok that's great....go f*** someone else then." Strange thing being that I haven't slept with her in months, so I don't know where that even came from, but it was obviously jealousy. I just said "I don't understand where the anger came from because we haven't slept together in months, but OK take care." The next morning she said "I don't want to be with you, so do what you want." Confusing, to say the least.

 

She is still speaking to me, though the contact is limited. We have a number of mutual friends, and I know she has been hooking up with the guy she cheated on me with a couple years ago. He is a man-whore, and she knows he will never settle down with her, but even so it really sucks to know these things. Funny thing is, he's a less attractive version of me, very similar looking, but they have nearly nothing in common. Still hurts though.

 

So here's where we are now. I just got a great job and I'm moving into a really nice house next week. I spoke to her this morning via text, and she said that she has no physical or mental attraction toward me anymore and that she will only want to be friends, that she is keeping me in her life because she cares about me as a person (what does that even mean LOL?). After joking and saying that I cared about her as a tree-frog (she likes frogs) I said I just wanted to spend some time with her whenever she got the chance, but as I said before she knows I have no interest in just being friends with her. She called, got a little angry because she is busy with some crazy room-mate drama and doesn't want me bothering her, but said she would contact me when she wanted to hang out. I know it will be quite a while before that happens, if ever, because she has a number of friends she would probably rather spend time with at this point. I kept my cool though and said that was fine. I know that with these other obstacles out of the way (living with parents, no work, etc.) that if she and I got back to spending time together that she would start to have those feelings for me again, because she has said these things before and always changed her mind. There are some other obstacles though; her friends don't like me because I always stood up for myself, and always called her out on her BS, which upsets her. Many of her friends are white-knight guys who want to be with her, and they have always come to her rescue in covert attempts to get in her pants. Apart from all of this, I still think there is a chance, and I think that if I could get through this stage with her, things would actually work out minus all the stuff that was holding her back from committing for the past couple years.

 

What I'm looking for from all of you is any advice, experiences, or opinions that would aid me in getting to where she actually WANTS to spend time with me, because as of right now she doesn't seem to have any desire to do so, but she's unwilling to cut things off completely. I would also like to hear your assessment of my chances, and whether you think I should just give up and leave all of this behind me for good. If you have any insight into what she's really thinking and feeling, please share it. I'm also not seeking placation, so be brutally honest if you think it's necessary or warranted. Thanks for your help.

[bummer]

Man, let her go. Read what you just wrote out loud and tell me where it gets better without sounding delusional?

 

Get your things in order and make time for the attractive new friend.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Looks like another drive-by so I'll close this up.