Stay married and feel alone or divorce and be alone?

[DSme]

I've been with my husband for 16 years. I have two young children. At this point there basically is no marriage. We barely talk and when we do, small talk or kids. There is no intimacy. We never have "date nights". We are roommates and not much more. It is bad enough that I am becoming ambivalent on staying or going. However, I feel it would be harder to leave than it is to stay. I am looking to reason things out with honest discussion. I need to get perspective that I can't find in my own mind. My husband goes to work everyday. He does not drink or smoke. He is faithful and I trust him. I know that is a lot more than others can say and I am thankful for these things. However, he does not make me feel loved or appreciated. He does not respect my job. He takes me for granted. He does not meet my emotional or physical needs. He takes no pride in his appearance. He does not take care of his health. He has good work ethic, but little motivation for anything else. He does not want to leave the house unless he is called into work or his best friend calls. I have my own problems and I am sure there are things he has issues with, but he does not verbalize any of that. He is a person who wants change, but doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. I care about him, but I don't know if I am willing to do what it would take to "fix" things or if that is even possible at this point.

[DKT3]

If there is no other guy involved, which would totally change the situation, sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel. Make sure he understands the outcome if the state of the marriage doesn't change. Please don't assume that he knows how you feel, even if you've told him before. Give him a chance to process the information and make changes.

[S2B]

Why not ask for counseling with both of you? That could invoke some changes for the marriage.

 

It would allow a place to put your issues out in the open so he knows what's bothering you.

 

It's worth the effort before ending the marriage.

 

Is it possible for you to seek female friendships besides your husband?...ones that may fill the gap of your need for intimacy.

[brokenmom]

I would difinitely suggest counseling. Plan date nights. Do what ever you can to fight for your marriage. It sounds like you have a solid foundation with no major reasons to go towards divorce. Maybe you guys are just in a rut and need to be reminded of why you got married? Divorce should be your last option. Don't walk away until you feel like you have tried everything. That way you will have no regrets in your decision.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why not ask for counseling with both of you? That could invoke some changes for the marriage.

 

Not only that but it allows both of you to verbalize the resentment you obviously feel. Much going on behind the scenes here, have to drag it out into the open to deal with it.

 

I won't lie, it's hard work. But given 16 years invested and the stability of young children at stake, certainly well worth it. You might be one of the lucky ones that ends up reconnecting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DSme]

The idea of another person is involved. I cannot picture my husband as the great love of my life. I realize not everyone is going to have some fairy-tale, notebook kind of love, but no intimacy, not feeling loved or supported cannot be what is meant to be. I feel like this marriage is an albatross that will someday end, but I can't envision how that will happen, other than him dropping over from a heart attack. I feel like we both are fully aware that if nothing changes, nothing will ever get better, but for probably 2 years, neither of us have done anything to try. My biggest problem is that I fully expect that if I did make this huge plea to save us, neither of us would be willing to do what it takes and that would be harder than the ocean that is already between us. Or even worse, he might actually try, but it wouldn't be enough and then I would be the *******.

[DSme]

Counseling was tried briefly on 2 occasions. I don't think it was even enough to get started and he thinks it was a waste of time. His employer said he could not use sick leave for a regularly occurring appointment and his union rep did not support him. That was the end of that.

[DSme]

I would love to have more girlfriends, but I work in an office of 4 and don't have a lot of chances to meet others. I moved to this state to be with my husband, so that makes it even harder, as most people already have their own social groups.

[DSme]

Thank you for your responses. Just reading them is giving me anxiety and bringing me to tears, but I feel like I need a push one way or the other because what we are doing now is not fair to either one of us, or the kids.

[central]

There is a point of no return, and you seem to be past that point. Sure, there may be a slight chance of repairing the situation, but would the likely outcome be worth the time and effort involved?

 

Presently, you have no marriage, and no hope. If you divorce, you may be alone, but you will have hope that you can improve your situation (which you can't do now unless your husband is a willing and active participant). Once separated or divorced, you can have hope, AND take action to not be alone. It will almost certainly be better than what you have currently.

[BluesPower]

I guess that all the advice so far is good. Both ways.

 

I mean 16 years is a while for sure. But is you ever loved him and you don't really try, you will have regrets. You may have them anyway.

 

But, picking a time to "Really Talk" about the real issues, is a reasonable thing to do. Not when he gets home from work, not when he just wakes up, not when the kids are running around the house being crazy. These are not the times to have a serious talk.

 

Plan the talk, write down what you want to say so that you will not get off track. Explain how you feel about everything. Tell him that no sex and intimacy is killing you, not meeting other needs, all of it.

 

If he won't wake up and take an interest in the marriage then you have the answer.

 

I really think that you are very depressed and so is he, so you both have to deal with that issue.

 

But I believe that happiness is real, even if it has not happened for me, I really think it is possible. But, don't say in this situation either way. You have to chance it in order to be happy at some level.

 

But look, do not have an affair, if you have not already, it is not worth it. If you have to divorce and start dating, but go slow. Do not jump into anything.

 

I do wish you luck...

[DSme]

The reason this whole thing is coming to a head for me is because I basically made a promise to be the best me I could be after turning 40. I am trying to follow through with that. I guess I'm kind of a cliché. I'm going through a mid-life crisis and have lost a bunch of weight. Anyway, I am a type A person in most areas. I think a person should always be working towards improving. My husband is a good enough person. I don't think it is reasonable to expect him to fundamentally change. But if he doesn't make some changes, it will hurt him, me and most importantly, his kids. He is super defensive and I'm not his mother. He seems content to sit in his recliner and let life pass by. I'm not anymore. I'm at the point where I want a life and if he doesn't want to participate, he is the one who is missing out. Also, he wants sex, but when we don't speak or touch or have much to do with each other, it's difficult to even think about going there. I have lost the weight and actually feel good about myself, finally. He is 300 pounds with a nasty homeless guy beard who is always pissed off at something - usually the kids. Not a turn on...

[Arieswoman]

DSMe,

I'm normally one to tell people to get out of unfulfilling relationships, but in this case I think you should give it one last shot.

 

Your husband sounds depressed, and so do you.

 

I think you need to have "that talk" with him and let him know in a non-blaming way, how you feel.

Have a few suggestions ready, date nights, getting a babysitter, whatever. And counselling.

 

Good luck x

[DSme]

I agree with you Arieswoman. I believe my husband is very depressed. I know that I will never get what I want without that confrontation. I know that I should give it another try. I just haven't gotten to a place where my desire to do that is stronger than dreading hashing all that out. I am not ready to throw a stick of dynamite into my life. I see three bad options. 1. Continue treading water; status quo 2. Try for a major overhaul and all that comes with it OR 3. Give up; throw in the towel and uproot everything. I have chosen #1 for a long time. I guess I am waiting for him to say something and he's probably waiting for me to say something.

[Mr. Lucky]

I see three bad options. 1. Continue treading water; status quo 2. Try for a major overhaul and all that comes with it OR 3. Give up; throw in the towel and uproot everything. I have chosen #1 for a long time.

 

And it's not working or you wouldn't be here.

 

Don't think it's that complicated. Ask him to participate in (2.) If he chooses not to, life waits behind door (3.)...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Savannah2]

I am in the exact same position. Been married ten years with a young child. we had "the talk" about the miserable state of our marriage and both agreed we are unhappy but neither wants to disrupt our sons life with divorce and shared custody. It is a constant state of purgatory and the sadness of being stuck in an unhappy marriage feels a lot like drowning or like you put it treading water. I've known for a long time that I don't see myself growing old with him. I got it wrong with him and now I have a child's well being to think about. It's a terrible place to be and I sympathize with you. We have talked about counseling too. But at the end of the day, I think there are some fundamental personality characteristics that just don't make us work together as a family unit. There were so many red flags before we even married and I chose to ignore them and now we are all paying the price. I feel paralyzed to take action amd I'm scared all the time. Mostly for the effects on my son.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel paralyzed to take action amd I'm scared all the time. Mostly for the effects on my son.

 

While I'm assuming you're scared of the effects of divorce on your son, I'd be more scared of raising him in an environment where the "marriage feels a lot like drowning". Doesn't sound fun, healthy or nurturing.

 

I can tell you from experience, better to have two happy households than one dysfunctional one. I'm pro marriage and think couples, especially with kids, should give their best efforts to work things out. But failing that, sometimes you have to know when to say when. You don't serve your child's interests by making yourself an unhappy martyr to the cause...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NHappy]

I've been with my husband for 16 years. I have two young children. At this point there basically is no marriage. We barely talk and when we do, small talk or kids. There is no intimacy. We never have "date nights". We are roommates and not much more. It is bad enough that I am becoming ambivalent on staying or going. However, I feel it would be harder to leave than it is to stay. I am looking to reason things out with honest discussion. I need to get perspective that I can't find in my own mind. My husband goes to work everyday. He does not drink or smoke. He is faithful and I trust him. I know that is a lot more than others can say and I am thankful for these things. However, he does not make me feel loved or appreciated. He does not respect my job. He takes me for granted. He does not meet my emotional or physical needs. He takes no pride in his appearance. He does not take care of his health. He has good work ethic, but little motivation for anything else. He does not want to leave the house unless he is called into work or his best friend calls. I have my own problems and I am sure there are things he has issues with, but he does not verbalize any of that. He is a person who wants change, but doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. I care about him, but I don't know if I am willing to do what it would take to "fix" things or if that is even possible at this point.

 

Ask yourself this...how would you feel if you were alone? Would it be a better situation? And, I don't mean in terms of convenience, but are you really happier?

 

I am a strong believer that you need to be happy. However, I married someone I have a very friend-like relationship with and regret it horribly. Our dates consisted of fast food, and he's forgotten birthdays. Things that he does do show a significant lack of attention to detail to a point where he either doesn't listen to me or has zero ability to understand me. It's affected how I treat him- if I do anything for him it would just lower my self esteem so I try to avoid. I feel like I married a friend, or someone who serves a purpose for me and vice versa.

 

But, I'm not sure if this is what love is supposed to be about. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I have the ideology that if you aren't cut out for a movie like 'The Notebook', you may as well seperate.

 

I think the best thing you could do in this type of situation is separate for a short period and see if anything changes.

[DSme]

I honestly think it is the convenience part that is keeping us together. I take care of the kids in the a.m. He takes care of the kids until I get home from work. When we want or need to do non-kid things, we take turns. I take care of almost everything inside and he takes care of almost everything outside. Our incomes work for mortgage and other things.

 

If we were not together, I would have to basically change everything as far as finances. There would be things I would not be able to do time wise. I don't know if I would be happier - I would be divorced and alone, but would be free. My biggest fear would honestly be the custody part. My husband lords over my children and nitpicks them constantly. He has a quick temper and I wouldn't want the kids alone with him for an extended period of time.

 

I feel like I settled for my husband. I had been in a few really bad relationships and I felt safe with him. I feel like I am a firecracker and I want to experience life. I feel like my husband would be happy in a cabin in the woods with his chair and his bowl and spoon and his guns. He is content to let life pass by.

 

What we do works, but it isn't a marriage. It's almost like we're co-parenting in the same house.

 

I'm not sure separating would do much. He knows he wants to be with me and he wants things to change, but he doesn't want to have to do anything. He just wants things to magically improve. I know this is unrealistic. I would love for things to be better, but I just don't see it happening. Neither of us getting our needs met, but neither of us is doing anything about it. I am the kind of person who doesn't half-ass things. If I got in the mindset to fix things, I would be hard charging and expect him to do the same. I am type A, perfectionist and he is not that way in any part of his life. I am afraid I would be setting us up for failure. I feel like I have to wait until he is ready, but I'm worried about how long that might take or if it will ever happen.

[DSme]

I honestly think it is the convenience part that is keeping us together. I take care of the kids in the a.m. He takes care of the kids until I get home from work. When we want or need to do non-kid things, we take turns. I take care of almost everything inside and he takes care of almost everything outside. Our incomes work for mortgage and other things.

 

If we were not together, I would have to basically change everything as far as finances. There would be things I would not be able to do time wise. I don't know if I would be happier - I would be divorced and alone, but would be free. My biggest fear would honestly be the custody part. My husband lords over my children and nitpicks them constantly. He has a quick temper and I wouldn't want the kids alone with him for an extended period of time.

 

I feel like I settled for my husband. I had been in a few really bad relationships and I felt safe with him. I feel like I am a firecracker and I want to experience life. I feel like my husband would be happy in a cabin in the woods with his chair and his bowl and spoon and his guns. He is content to let life pass by.

 

What we do works, but it isn't a marriage. It's almost like we're co-parenting in the same house.

 

I'm not sure separating would do much. He knows he wants to be with me and he wants things to change, but he doesn't want to have to do anything. He just wants things to magically improve. I know this is unrealistic. I would love for things to be better, but I just don't see it happening. Neither of us getting our needs met, but neither of us is doing anything about it. I am the kind of person who doesn't half-ass things. If I got in the mindset to fix things, I would be hard charging and expect him to do the same. I am type A, perfectionist and he is not that way in any part of his life. I am afraid I would be setting us up for failure. I feel like I have to wait until he is ready, but I'm worried about how long that might take or if it will ever happen.

[S2B]

Why don't you get a sitter once a week for at least a month and plan evenings out together?

 

Go to dinners - a movie maybe - a sporting event - or a concert?

 

Start spending time together to see if you still enjoy each other.