Questions for those OWs whose MM left BS for you

[IWillBeZFine]

So my MM is in the process of getting a divorce, if everything goes well, he will be divorced in a couple of months. He and I have been talking about moving in together after he is divorced.

 

Wondering for those OWs whose MM left the BS for you, do you move in with the MM right after the divorce? did you date and ended up marrying each other? or you dated for a while and found out you were not compatible.

[imsosad]

Hi,

My AP and I both left our spouses and are waiting for our D to be final.

 

We do not live together. I have four children living with me and it has only been 4 months since their father and I seperated. I can't have a new partner living with us. They have not met him yet. He has two children. I met them. We live 2 minutes walk from each other, so we see each other every day. He stays over when my kids are with their dad.

So far it has been going very well,though it's more like dating, not living together. I expected things to be much more difficult. I have to give credit to both BS for being non vindictive and very practical during this wild,strange process.

I see marriage happening in two,even three,years time. I want to be sure all six kids are well adjusted and both BS recovered before we marry. I think moving in together is reasonable in about a year, meaning about 18-24 months post divorces.

He asked me several times if I'd agree to marry him.sooner if not for the children.Answer is no. We both did something drastic here. Leaving one spouse and on to marry another is too much for me. We are in CC and he does IC. I asked him to.

I do not know if we'l last. I hope so. I think so. I am trying not to rely on my feeling only but to do it thoughfully and carefully.

How long was your affair? Are there children involved?

Edited September 3, 2016 by imsosad

[cocorico]

So my MM is in the process of getting a divorce, if everything goes well, he will be divorced in a couple of months. He and I have been talking about moving in together after he is divorced.

 

Wondering for those OWs whose MM left the BS for you, do you move in with the MM right after the divorce? did you date and ended up marrying each other? or you dated for a while and found out you were not compatible.

 

He moved out with the kids, and I moved in with them about 6 months later. His D was finalised about 6 months later and we got M very soon after that.

 

The 6 months alone (with the kids) was helpful for them to establish a new "normal" after leaving the BW. The kids were teens. They have since grown and left home. That worked for us. I know of other couples where the OW and MM moved in directly after he left the BW, which has worked although with initial struggles around blending families.

 

You need to consider your (and his) circumstances, kids, etc and see what would be best.

[Hummingbird17]

We moved in with each other and got married pretty soon after his divorce. From the beginning of the affair, which was emotional and then very briefly physical, to our marriage was less than 6 months.

 

We have been married a few years now and have a child together. We are happy. It wasnt always easy in the beginning.

 

My DH had never had an affair before and overall has very good boundaries. He was ready to leave his marriage when we met, but basically had the thought it's not THAT bad. They each did their own thing. So I don't worry that he will cheat. I know it's always possible but we don't have trust issues.

[goodyblue]

We were long distance and met up often during the affair, which was pretty short. His ex found the burner phone and he told her everything and left that day. We continued dating and some months later we made the decision for me to move to his city. He rented a house for my kids and me and he lived in his apartment and we dated. A year later he moved in with us and then we bought a home together. We have been M for some time now and are quite happy.

[EverySunset]

My father married his AP the weekend after the divorce was final. Nobody was under the impression it was anything other than it was, either. Even, maybe especially us kids took it very hard, since it truly was disrespectful on a very public level.

 

YMMV, but for us, we never truly blended as families and my fathers marriage to the AP had a lot of issues. Again, publicly.

 

I would always exercise caution and consider the children's stability and ability to adjust. I know, it's cheaper. You've worked hard to be together and are so ready. But slowing down to actually date as a (mostly) single person should be seen as sweet and a chance to experience each other in a healthy way.

 

And let the children get their feet back underneath themselves, more solid and ready to take on new challenges once they've adjusted to these right now.

[IWillBeZFine]

Hi,

My AP and I both left our spouses and are waiting for our D to be final.

 

We do not live together. I have four children living with me and it has only been 4 months since their father and I seperated. I can't have a new partner living with us. They have not met him yet. He has two children. I met them. We live 2 minutes walk from each other, so we see each other every day. He stays over when my kids are with their dad.

So far it has been going very well,though it's more like dating, not living together. I expected things to be much more difficult. I have to give credit to both BS for being non vindictive and very practical during this wild,strange process.

I see marriage happening in two,even three,years time. I want to be sure all six kids are well adjusted and both BS recovered before we marry. I think moving in together is reasonable in about a year, meaning about 18-24 months post divorces.

He asked me several times if I'd agree to marry him.sooner if not for the children.Answer is no. We both did something drastic here. Leaving one spouse and on to marry another is too much for me. We are in CC and he does IC. I asked him to.

I do not know if we'l last. I hope so. I think so. I am trying not to rely on my feeling only but to do it thoughfully and carefully.

How long was your affair? Are there children involved?

 

Thanks for your reply, Imsosad. I am glad that things are working out for you. I think it is wise of you not wanting to marry your MM right away.

 

To answer your questions. I have been with my MM for 4 years. I broke it off twice. The longest break was six months, but we just ended up being back together. He does have a toddler with his ex but his soon to be ex is expected to have full custody.

[IWillBeZFine]

He moved out with the kids, and I moved in with them about 6 months later. His D was finalised about 6 months later and we got M very soon after that.

 

The 6 months alone (with the kids) was helpful for them to establish a new "normal" after leaving the BW. The kids were teens. They have since grown and left home. That worked for us. I know of other couples where the OW and MM moved in directly after he left the BW, which has worked although with initial struggles around blending families.

 

You need to consider your (and his) circumstances, kids, etc and see what would be best.

 

Thanks for your reply. So glad things worked out for you. I definitely hope things will work out for us. I don't think we will be married any time soon, but we are planning on moving together soon after he is divorced and to start a normal relationship and to see if we are compatible.

 

I am excited about starting a normal relationship with him, but I have anxiety when I think of the reactions of his family and some of his close friends, since it started as an affair. Did you have to deal with those when your relationship with your MM went public?

[IWillBeZFine]

We moved in with each other and got married pretty soon after his divorce. From the beginning of the affair, which was emotional and then very briefly physical, to our marriage was less than 6 months.

 

We have been married a few years now and have a child together. We are happy. It wasnt always easy in the beginning.

 

My DH had never had an affair before and overall has very good boundaries. He was ready to leave his marriage when we met, but basically had the thought it's not THAT bad. They each did their own thing. So I don't worry that he will cheat. I know it's always possible but we don't have trust issues.

 

So glad things work out for you and your MM. Any of your and his family and friends knew about the affair? if so, Did it take it well? if not, how did you deal with those?

[IWillBeZFine]

We were long distance and met up often during the affair, which was pretty short. His ex found the burner phone and he told her everything and left that day. We continued dating and some months later we made the decision for me to move to his city. He rented a house for my kids and me and he lived in his apartment and we dated. A year later he moved in with us and then we bought a home together. We have been M for some time now and are quite happy.

 

So glad things worked out for you. Did your and his family know the relationship started as an affair? I am asking is because his Wife knows about the affair and his family and friends probably will find out that about is when the divorce is finalized. I am really concerned about the reaction they might have.

[IWillBeZFine]

My father married his AP the weekend after the divorce was final. Nobody was under the impression it was anything other than it was, either. Even, maybe especially us kids took it very hard, since it truly was disrespectful on a very public level.

 

YMMV, but for us, we never truly blended as families and my fathers marriage to the AP had a lot of issues. Again, publicly.

 

I would always exercise caution and consider the children's stability and ability to adjust. I know, it's cheaper. You've worked hard to be together and are so ready. But slowing down to actually date as a (mostly) single person should be seen as sweet and a chance to experience each other in a healthy way.

 

And let the children get their feet back underneath themselves, more solid and ready to take on new challenges once they've adjusted to these right now.

 

thanks for your replay and suggestions. we definitely will do best to make the transition as ease as possible.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your reply. So glad things worked out for you. I definitely hope things will work out for us. I don't think we will be married any time soon, but we are planning on moving together soon after he is divorced and to start a normal relationship and to see if we are compatible.

 

I am excited about starting a normal relationship with him, but I have anxiety when I think of the reactions of his family and some of his close friends, since it started as an affair. Did you have to deal with those when your relationship with your MM went public?

 

What's the rush to move in together right after the divorce? Why not allow him the time to grieve the marriage and life he once shared with his wife and child. He can only grow and be more of an independent person by doing this. Plus, the affair dynamic has to die and he has to rid of the family/husband dynamic. It's not healthy to end a marriage and then move in, start a new life with someone else the next day.

 

Date him, get to know him in the proper way and not it being in an affair setting. There are a lot of changes happening and his child is going to need to be put first throughout this. He will still have to deal with his ex and she'll always be in your lives on some level because of their child.

[goodyblue]

So glad things worked out for you. Did your and his family know the relationship started as an affair? I am asking is because his Wife knows about the affair and his family and friends probably will find out that about is when the divorce is finalized. I am really concerned about the reaction they might have.

 

His wife and adult daughter knew. They, in turn, told pretty much everyone else. We live in A smaller community where my h is very well known, on several boards etc, and he was worried about how people would react, if his clients would pull out of his business, but that really never did happen. Of course there were a couple of people but mostly things were fine and the community accepts us as we are.

 

I do have to say though, what WhichWayIsUp says was true for us. We waited a while, let our kids adjust, let the divorce e happen before we lived together. It made things much easier in the transition and I really felt we needed to get to know eachother with the new dynamic in place. We started over in a way and dated. We waited six months for me to move to his city and another year before living together. It gave us time to really see where the relationship was headed. If it is feasible I would most certainly recommend it.

 

When his ex found out I was here, living separately, she lost her sh*t. It was not fun. I still avoid her. Be prepared for that, and for her to punish him, even if she seems fine now. She still, after all these years can't mention my name without calling me a slut or homewrecker and who can blame her? Even tho they had no love anymore for one another she still feels I stole her husband. And in her head she did all the hard stuff (raised his child, stood by him while he built his career etc, the building of a life) I am the one enjoying the good, financially stable years,the great relationship, nice house and cars,retirement soon and so on. She feels gypped.

Edited September 4, 2016 by goodyblue

[Birdies]

I wouldn't say my MM left his wife for me - their marriage was already coming to an end, but our affair certainly helped to end it (in a public and traumatic way for everyone involved, unfortunately). I was also married and ours was not in such a bad state as theirs on the surface, but I was quite unhappy and I don't think our issues were ultimately resolvable.

 

To answer your questions, yes we are now basically dating. Close to a year after everything blew up, my divorce is finalized and his is nearly so (his ex has made it more toxic and dragged out than you could really fathom). We are essentially living together because the terms of his divorce are not finalized and while they sold their home, he is unable to buy another one. I own my home and so he's been crashing with me some of the time. I wouldn't want to move in together so quickly - I think it's important for us both to try to process the ends of our marriages and not cohabitate immediately - but it's been really nice to have each other close for support. When he does buy a home, I will probably move in with him after another 6 months or so and rent my house.

 

We want the same things in life and are very similar and well-matched (I've known him for 5+ years, affair is coming up on 2 years), so we both would want to get married and have a family down the line, provided things don't change dramatically between us. I'm in my early 30s and hes in his early 40s, so we are both somewhat torn between wanting to take things slowly, but also being aware of ticking time for fertility etc.

 

As for our families, his family never really liked his wife and is just happy that he is happy, despite obviously not approving of the way in which our relationship started. My family all adored my ex-husband, who is a wonderful person but very hard to be married to in many ways. So they are sad to lose him and sad at how I treated him, but they recognize we had serious issues that they were not aware of, and mainly are just happy that I'm happy. Neither of us have children, thank god.

 

Friends are a different matter. I had been with my husband for 15 years (from late teenagers on) and every friend of ours is mutual. Most of them don't want anything to do with me, and losing a wonderful community of friends has been very difficult, although a handful of friends continue to be wonderfully supportive to me. He and his wife were not very social in our town and he only has a few friends here - they tend to not be very judgmental, as his wife was pretty anti-social so they were not close with her. But in general, yes, I think you should be prepared for a lot of judgement.

 

It's hard knowing how infrequently affairs actually turn into fulfilling long-term relationships, but mine really does feel like the real thing. Also, I think we are both well-matched to help each other deal with the difficult aspects of our lives being torpedoed so dramatically, so that's comforting.

 

Anyway, good luck OP. I hope things work out for you.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Birdies

[cozycottagelg]

I wouldn't say my MM left his wife for me - their marriage was already coming to an end, but our affair certainly helped to end it (in a public and traumatic way for everyone involved, unfortunately). I was also married and ours was not in such a bad state as theirs on the surface, but I was quite unhappy and I don't think our issues were ultimately resolvable.

 

To answer your questions, yes we are now basically dating. Close to a year after everything blew up, my divorce is finalized and his is nearly so (his ex has made it more toxic and dragged out than you could really fathom). We are essentially living together because the terms of his divorce are not finalized and while they sold their home, he is unable to buy another one. I own my home and so he's been crashing with me some of the time. I wouldn't want to move in together so quickly - I think it's important for us both to try to process the ends of our marriages and not cohabitate immediately - but it's been really nice to have each other close for support. When he does buy a home, I will probably move in with him after another 6 months or so and rent my house.

 

We want the same things in life and are very similar and well-matched (I've known him for 5+ years, affair is coming up on 2 years), so we both would want to get married and have a family down the line, provided things don't change dramatically between us. I'm in my early 30s and hes in his early 40s, so we are both somewhat torn between wanting to take things slowly, but also being aware of ticking time for fertility etc.

 

As for our families, his family never really liked his wife and is just happy that he is happy, despite obviously not approving of the way in which our relationship started. My family all adored my ex-husband, who is a wonderful person but very hard to be married to in many ways. So they are sad to lose him and sad at how I treated him, but they recognize we had serious issues that they were not aware of, and mainly are just happy that I'm happy. Neither of us have children, thank god.

 

Friends are a different matter. I had been with my husband for 15 years (from late teenagers on) and every friend of ours is mutual. Most of them don't want anything to do with me, and losing a wonderful community of friends has been very difficult, although a handful of friends continue to be wonderfully supportive to me. He and his wife were not very social in our town and he only has a few friends here - they tend to not be very judgmental, as his wife was pretty anti-social so they were not close with her. But in general, yes, I think you should be prepared for a lot of judgement.

 

It's hard knowing how infrequently affairs actually turn into fulfilling long-term relationships, but mine really does feel like the real thing. Also, I think we are both well-matched to help each other deal with the difficult aspects of our lives being torpedoed so dramatically, so that's comforting.

 

Anyway, good luck OP. I hope things work out for you.

 

I would love to hear your whole story.

[Birdies]

I would love to hear your whole story.

 

Hey there. I'd be happy to, but I'm wary of putting any more detail out in a public albeit anonymous place like this - his wife is VERY bitter and vindictive about their marriage falling apart and is pretty obsessive about me right now. But I'd be happy to PM you or something.

 

I read some of your posts from 2013 and wonder what happened in your marriage. They way you described your feelings towards your husband reminded me a lot of how I had felt about mine, and even more so how my affair partner felt towards his wife. I can tell you that while our marriages coming to an end has been terribly painful for both of us, much of it is a relief as well. I wouldn't have wanted to continue to be so resentful and bitter towards my husband for years to come.

 

And same to you, OP. Feel free to PM me if you want. We're in a pretty small and anonymous club here, so I imagine some other similar perspectives could be helpful :/

 

EDIT: If PMing exists here?! Not really sure about that.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Birdies

[daisygirl19]

We're moving into our first house together next week actually. Two and a half years after he left, and almost a year after his divorce was final (she refused the divorce initially). It's a long process, with lots of ups and downs. We did a lot of hard work and counseling. Our kids are all on board and happy, and most of our friends and community have come around.

Edited September 6, 2016 by daisygirl19

[minimariah]

EDIT: If PMing exists here?! Not really sure about that.

 

it does exist but i believe it's disabled for the new members in order to prevent spam. you need more posts (activity) & the PM option will soon be activated.

 

We're moving into our first house together next week actually.

 

hi, Daisygirl! congrats, hope you're having fun with the decorating and nesting. good luck!

[cocorico]

Thanks for your reply. So glad things worked out for you. I definitely hope things will work out for us. I don't think we will be married any time soon, but we are planning on moving together soon after he is divorced and to start a normal relationship and to see if we are compatible.

 

I am excited about starting a normal relationship with him, but I have anxiety when I think of the reactions of his family and some of his close friends, since it started as an affair. Did you have to deal with those when your relationship with your MM went public?

 

We were "public" during the A - only the BW didn't know - but right from the outset his family and friends were very welcoming. He had been very unhappy in a toxic M, and I think they were just glad to see him happy.

 

If you are worried about reactions, I wouldn't rush into anything post-D. Let his family and friends adjust to his new status, and not associate you with it - if they were friendly with her they may need to grieve her loss to the family / friendship, and may resent your sudden insertion. If they were neutral toward her, or disliked her, that's less of an issue - but if you're worried, but d err on the side of caution. You only get one shot at first impressions.

[OWAmy]

I have been in a relationship with my divorced fMM for six months now. All is going very well, but we were lucky - no DD so a relatively smooth transition to a relationship. Still work to be done and some recovery for both of us after a particularly emotional last year.

 

There are children on both sides and we are all getting used to one another before he and I move in together. This is best for both of us. Others circumstances will be different and I think it's best to look at what works for the individuals.

[norudder]

Can those of you who "made it" or are in the process of, speak to the element of grieving and how you handled it or would have handled it differently? That is, if you both had marriages to end were you supportive of each other through it? Was there much waffling on either side before final decisions that made it difficult to be supportive? Did you give him space for the grieving/how long? Did you ever doubt, have jealousy or insecurity he was grieving his actual wife and not just the life that had been imagined? Are any of you with fMM whose wives initiated D? (My own situation is not one that I think will work out but generally interested in this aspect of the transition process for those who went through it.)

[muchlovetogive]

My MM left, but has been living at a relative's house for a couple years now. He still has not filed, but has been asking me to move in together. My answer: Not until after you file for D. But even though he's been living out of the house for so long and we've been "dating", I'm not sure if I should still wait a while after the official D to move in together.

[ladydesigner]

My MM left, but has been living at a relative's house for a couple years now. He still has not filed, but has been asking me to move in together. My answer: Not until after you file for D. But even though he's been living out of the house for so long and we've been "dating", I'm not sure if I should still wait a while after the official D to move in together.

 

Yes wait until the ink is dry! I have read stories on here where there MM went back to wife months and sometimes years later. Wait until you both are free without any limitations!

[Birdies]

Can those of you who "made it" or are in the process of, speak to the element of grieving and how you handled it or would have handled it differently? That is, if you both had marriages to end were you supportive of each other through it? Was there much waffling on either side before final decisions that made it difficult to be supportive? Did you give him space for the grieving/how long? Did you ever doubt, have jealousy or insecurity he was grieving his actual wife and not just the life that had been imagined? Are any of you with fMM whose wives initiated D? (My own situation is not one that I think will work out but generally interested in this aspect of the transition process for those who went through it.)

 

We are both aware that the other is grieving the loss of our spouse, and grieving the love that we once had with and for them, as well as tremendous guilt for hurting them. We understand the emotion because we both feel it, albeit in somewhat different ways. To be honest it does make me feel little twinges of jealousy on occasion, but I'm glad he feels that way - it'd be worrying and sociopathic not to. So I ignore / consciously decide against the jealousy.

 

My husband and I took some time to decide what to do after our D-Day (reconcile or divorce), and during that time, my AP was very supportive of whatever decision I / we came to. Even though he loves me, he wanted me to be happy more than he wanted to be with me. Honestly I would have had a very hard time with that kind of uncertainty if the roles were reversed, but his divorce was a sure bet from D-Day on (and he'd wanted out for some time before that).

 

It's been a complete mess and disaster of a year and we're both pretty wracked with guilt for hurting our spouses in the way we did. However, having each other for support has been invaluable.

 

And note, I don't mean to sound like we're the ones suffering as a result of the A. Obviously we were selfish and wrong and our spouses are the real victims. Just an honest answer to the question though. It's a pretty sh*tty situation, I don't really recommend it! But grateful to have him through it.

[Lobe]

I'm with those who say, don't rush it. Set a time if you need - let's say 6 months of dating before you even remotely consider moving in together. If he left his wife "for you" and not because the marriage was actually dead, you might be in some murky waters.

 

Like many here will caution, a lot of waywards don't realize until after they are separated and living apart exactly what they are leaving behind - they often recall a deep love and respect for their BS and realize they will have regret for not trying to make it work, particularly if the A was one of convenience and not an exit affair from an already dying marriage. Also, many WSs realize that their affair partner isn't early as addictive and attractive when they are readily available as they were when it was a fantasy they were chasing.

 

In my case, my WH said that he would have had an impossible time being in a relationship with his xOW if we had separated because he couldn't stand the guilt and shame he would feel looking at her, knowing how the relationship started and how much pain it caused me and our children. He also said that his xOW would never have tolerated how close him and I were with each other or with our kids and that they would have had explosive arguments over it. He said he would rather be alone than be with either of us, which is something that came out before he went to counselling or read a book and knew what he was "supposed" to say lol...

 

I've never been the OW but as I've read the stories of those who successfully establish a relationship of some sort after leaving the betrayed spouse or spouses, it's a bit of a sh*tshow in the beginning so you gotta be prepared for a bumpy ride. If you'd like to know if it's the "real deal" and you're even remotely nervous about it, take it slow. Good luck!