how possible is it to make non romantic friends from a dating site?

[chumly]

this question is particularly for males (but if females would like to answer that would be great too)...

 

if you met a someone from a dating site that you were not physically attracted to but liked them as a person or shared common interests do you think you would be willing to be "active" friends with that person? or do you think you would only be willing to do that if you were physically attracted to them?

 

Please really think about your answer so I can get an honest opinion...and please let me know if you are a male or female that is answering the question.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Erik30]

No, I'm not on a dating site to find new friends. And if I'm not physically attracted to the girl, we would barely interact anyway. (Since I'm looking for someone to date)

 

The times I tried to be friends with girls I met on dating sites, they would usually fade out after a while. Probably because they were spending all of their time on a new guy. But to answer your question, they were all girls I was initially interested in, it never started out as a friendship.

[chumly]

No, I'm not on a dating site to find new friends. And if I'm not physically attracted to the girl, we would barely interact anyway. (Since I'm looking for someone to date)

 

The times I tried to be friends with girls I met on dating sites, they would usually fade out after a while. Probably because they were spending all of their time on a new guy. But to answer your question, they were all girls I was initially interested in, it never started out as a friendship.

 

 

ok, thanks....that is what i was thinking would be the case. I appreciate your honesty.;)even thought it is not exactly what I was hoping to hear

[chumly]

still interested in any other responses.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Here's my humble opinion...

 

The chances are slim. Human psychology 101...given the option and OLD sites do provide that option, even when seeking friendships, we tend to go after those we are likely to date, so attractiveness is important.

 

Like it's been said, the vast majority of the people online are there to date, not make friends. And even if they are, my first paragraph applies.

[chumly]

also can u possibly reveal your age too so I can get an idea of the age of the person that is answering. thanks

[chumly]

simpleNfit, ok, thanks for the input as well. I am glad I asked this question as much as i dislike the answers and wish they were not true.;)

[chumly]

I guess I will answer this myself..even though I am a female in my late 40s.

 

I am currently hanging out with someone that I met on a dating site as friends..I am not ruling at the possibility of more in the future but I am definitely not physically attracted to him at this point but I think he is a good person with common interests as myself so that is why I dont mind spending time with him. However, I know that I am probably in the minority with this kind of a thing.

 

I am still interested in others thoughts and input on this...thanks for the responses so far and any further replies.

[LookAtThisPOst]

No, I'm not on a dating site to find new friends. And if I'm not physically attracted to the girl, we would barely interact anyway. (Since I'm looking for someone to date)

 

The times I tried to be friends with girls I met on dating sites, they would usually fade out after a while. Probably because they were spending all of their time on a new guy. But to answer your question, they were all girls I was initially interested in, it never started out as a friendship.

 

I 2nd that, ESP. if we have a lot in common because that was part of the attraction factor to begin with. Not on a dating site to make buddies. I do have female friends, but reached my quota of them and they exist in the real world, not behind a keyboard.

[Erik30]

I guess I will answer this myself..even though I am a female in my late 40s.

 

I am currently hanging out with someone that I met on a dating site as friends..I am not ruling at the possibility of more in the future but I am definitely not physically attracted to him at this point but I think he is a good person with common interests as myself so that is why I dont mind spending time with him. However, I know that I am probably in the minority with this kind of a thing.

 

I am still interested in others thoughts and input on this...thanks for the responses so far and any further replies.

 

I actually assumed you were the one who got friendzoned or something like that.. . So in your position I would be more worried about giving that guy false hope.

You met him on a dating site, it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks he still has a shot, which you admit he might have, but I think there has to be at least some attraction, and you're saying there isn't any at all. Don't try to force yourself into liking him, you can't.

[central]

I've got a handful of female friends I've met that way, and some of those friendships have lasted for 20 years. When you have a lot in common, but not the romantic attraction, you may have the potential for a wonderful friendship. It has worked for me.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I've got a handful of female friends I've met that way, and some of those friendships have lasted for 20 years. When you have a lot in common, but not the romantic attraction, you may have the potential for a wonderful friendship. It has worked for me.

 

They live locally and have you met them in person? I dunno, just something unappealing about using the online world to make real life friendships. That's what Meetup is for...it brings people from online into the real world.

[chumly]

I've got a handful of female friends I've met that way, and some of those friendships have lasted for 20 years. When you have a lot in common, but not the romantic attraction, you may have the potential for a wonderful friendship. It has worked for me.

 

 

Thanks so much!! so maybe there is hope for that afterall!

 

just curious since you are a male and since males tend to be more drawn by physical beauty..were the ladies that you remained friends with only the ones that you found physically attractive or did you also remain friends with the ones that you did not find physically attractive too? and were you "active" friends with them? where you actually did things together.

 

Do you also mind if I ask what your age is?

 

Thanks so much once again for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate it.

[chumly]

I actually assumed you were the one who got friendzoned or something like that.. . So in your position I would be more worried about giving that guy false hope.

You met him on a dating site, it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks he still has a shot, which you admit he might have, but I think there has to be at least some attraction, and you're saying there isn't any at all. Don't try to force yourself into liking him, you can't.

 

Well right now there is no attraction but I tend to believe that kind of thing can grow in time. I am willing to spend the time to find out and I am not unattracted but just not feeling a sexual thing with him but I am not really overly sexual anyway so I am ok with not having that feeling right now with him and the way I see it is that I like him as a friend and that is a great start..we are friends with each other and if nothing more develops I believe we will stay that way since we have quite a few things in common.

 

I appreciate your thoughts on this.

[chumly]

They live locally and have you met them in person? I dunno, just something unappealing about using the online world to make real life friendships. That's what Meetup is for...it brings people from online into the real world.

 

I guess for me the way I view it is that most of the people i communicate with on the dating site are people I like as a person...I tend to communicate for a decent length of time (probably too long as many on here have pointed out to me) but in any case my hope is that after communicating for so long with these people and finding out we have common interests I hope that I can remain friends with them even if we dont like each other romantically.

[normal person]

30/m.

 

There is no set "way," every encounter has different circumstances. A few times I've made friends with a girl I met via OLD:

 

1). I wasn't totally into her ahead of time but she seemed nice enough, and you never know, so I took a flyer. Wasn't feeling it romantically, but we did have a nice night so I texted her that I think we were both "getting a 'friends' vibe" and she agreed so we just hung out platonically after that. She invited me out with her friends, to some of her happy hours with coworkers, etc.

 

2). Girl I briefly dated but decided not to date any further because she was too controlling, but she wanted to stay in touch. To be honest, we still have trouble working out the nuances of the friendship sometimes because she still has feelings but for the most part, it's ok. She turned out to be a good friend.

[chumly]

30/m.

 

There is no set "way," every encounter has different circumstances. A few times I've made friends with a girl I met via OLD:

 

1). I wasn't totally into her ahead of time but she seemed nice enough, and you never know, so I took a flyer. Wasn't feeling it romantically, but we did have a nice night so I texted her that I think we were both "getting a 'friends' vibe" and she agreed so we just hung out platonically after that. She invited me out with her friends, to some of her happy hours with coworkers, etc.

 

2). Girl I briefly dated but decided not to date any further because she was too controlling, but she wanted to stay in touch. To be honest, we still have trouble working out the nuances of the friendship sometimes because she still has feelings but for the most part, it's ok. She turned out to be a good friend.

 

Thanks for this response..your are right when you say every encounter has different circumstances but your post does give me hope that i mayl run into like minds and that it is not impossible! Thanks for that!

[ZA Dater]

32m

 

I do think its possible BUT its more likely to occur if its a person who has had some dating success, the a typical desperate OLD guy isn't really going to look for a friendship and its doubtful how many actually look for a relationship!

 

Definitely possible though!

[SwordofFlame]

I'd say it's possible, but it's just never happened for me. I have a lot of male dominated interests and have never met a woman who I wasn't attracted to, but had a lot in common with.

[JuneJulySeptember]

this question is particularly for males (but if females would like to answer that would be great too)...

 

if you met a someone from a dating site that you were not physically attracted to but liked them as a person or shared common interests do you think you would be willing to be "active" friends with that person? or do you think you would only be willing to do that if you were physically attracted to them?

 

Please really think about your answer so I can get an honest opinion...and please let me know if you are a male or female that is answering the question.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I tried.

 

There was this woman I went on a few dates with and to be honest, I really didn't think she was too attractive, but she was pretty cool and easy to talk to.

 

She ending up rejecting me and I asked her if she wanted to hang out and meet up still as friends. She agreed but then when I asked her she said she was busy (which I believe).

 

Social life is weird because at one point you are lonely and wish you had more friends, and then when a point comes to hang out with someone new, you have no time then.

 

I still may call her.

 

I'm a guy.

[Toodaloo]

Yep.

 

I have made a few friends. Most have disappeared after a while but there are one or two who remain there and we go do stuff and chat about stuff.

 

One in particular I am very fond of because he is so blunt and direct like me. Would never want to date him or get romantically involved and he feels the same but we look out for each other and have done since we met well over a year ago. We just get on really well.

 

Rare but possible.

[Toodaloo]

chumley I think this also has something to do with age...

 

As you get older I think personality becomes far more important and "companionship" has a much stronger pull than mad raucous shagging with the fit chick...

 

At your age you are far more likely to make a friend than a 20 year old dating... because the needs set is different for older people to younger people.

[salparadise]

If you met a someone from a dating site that you were not physically attracted to but liked them as a person or shared common interests do you think you would be willing to be "active" friends with that person?

 

I'm male (older) and I've used dating sites quite a bit, and with some success, since being divorced several years ago.

 

Short answer: Possible, but not probable.

 

I think men and women tend to view the "friends" designation quite differently. For men, dating sites are about dating, and is about sex. That's not to say we aren't interested in relationships––but we aren't interested in relationships with women who don't find us attractive enough to qualify for sex, nor are we interested in women that we don't find attractive.

 

Women, on there other hand, seem to think it desirable to collect men as friends. I believe it's about backups for protector, provider role... from an evolutionary perspective it's an effective strategy for women but not for men.

 

I have one woman I'm sort of friends with that I met on a dating site. She's a community activist type. She is attractive, and I could probably have dated her if I'd made more effort when we first met, but now that I know her a lot better I'm even less inclined because she'd wear me out with her extreme extroversion and cause oriented fixations. But we stay in touch, somewhat.

 

She started dating someone, so any notions I had about dating were scrapped. She contacted me last night and said she had been through some personal upheaval and that's why she hadn't been in touch. I'm wondering if her relationship ended and she's trying to let me know she's available. So you see, the potential for more than friends is never far beneath the surface.

 

In response to a question about "friends first", I had a statement in one of my profiles that said, "I've never seduced a friend, nor do I woo and pursue for months on end hoping it might turn into romance someday."

 

People just aren't consciously aware of the motivations underlying opposite sex friendships. But it's interesting that people tend not to have opposite sex friends unless they consider each other at least somewhat attractive, and of similar socioeconomic status. Same criteria they use for mate selection.

 

I'm not saying truly platonic, opposite sex friendships can't exist, but they're usually just second tier staging areas in our complex mating strategies.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry Sal but that is utter tosh.

 

It may be true for some who define their friends on what they can get out of them but for others friendships are forged in many ways.

 

I have plenty of plutonic male friends. I have met them through charity work, church, through going down the pub, through being stood up on dates, through OLD, through work etc.

 

With the exception of OLD pretty much the same ways I have met my female friends. Trust me they do NOT fancy me nor I them. We just get on well and happen to enjoy each others company and are happy to offer support when needed as well.

 

I have a very good friend that I speak to regularly that I met through OLD. We get on well but have zero attraction towards one another. Yes we are protective of each other and reasonably close but nothing would make me happier than to see him with a match more suitable to him than me. Fantastic guy in every way just not for me and he feels the same way. It really is that way and not just some sudo "lets be friends so I can get into your knickers later" thing. There is no "mating strategy" going on with my male friends.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I think men and women tend to view the "friends" designation quite differently. For men, dating sites are about dating, and is about sex. That's not to say we aren't interested in relationships––but we aren't interested in relationships with women who don't find us attractive enough to qualify for sex, nor are we interested in women that we don't find attractive.

 

Women, on there other hand, seem to think it desirable to collect men as friends. I believe it's about backups for protector, provider role... from an evolutionary perspective it's an effective strategy for women but not for men.

 

 

From a theoretical standpoint, I think it depends on the individual.

 

I like having female friends and I keep my exes as friends. One of them, we had both been single for several years, and I didn't touch her. I had chances. I stayed overnight in her apartment more times than I can count wasted drunk and I didn't touch her. I still think she is attractive and fun, but it wouldn't be fair to her to sleep with her because then she'd want me more.

 

For me, it's pretty easy to control myself around women I find attractive because well, I find most women attractive. So, I'm pretty good at keeping my hands to myself.

 

Logistically, you are pretty accurate though.

 

Now that I'm dating, chances are I won't be ever able to hang out with my ex, or any female, in that same manner of one-on-one, all night drinking sessions and then brunch in the morning. I haven't asked her yet, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be cool with it.

 

Little meetups for lunch or group events including said woman I'm sure would be find, but that's not the same. Essentially, most people will have to end their friendships with the opposite sex once they get married. Oh well.

Edited September 7, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember