how possible is it to make non romantic friends from a dating site?

[DJOkawari]

25m

 

A lot of OLD fizzles out in the 1-3 month span for me and I think that is a conducive moment for the transition to a friendship. We've shared a lot together and we do have some things in common so we can continue to do those things together.

 

It happens pretty often and very naturally from my perspective. Maybe I do this differently but dating and hanging out are essentially the same activities for me (dinner, coffee, a night out, a movie, staying in, etc.) so the transition requires only a bit of conversation.

Edited September 7, 2016 by DJOkawari

[SoThatHappened]

Sorry Sal but that is utter tosh.

I have to respectfully disagree that salparadise wasn't absolutely spot on.

 

"Possible, not probable"

 

Or maybe, possible, but not a great idea.

 

If someone likes another, they met on dating website (which, last time I checked was to date), but the feelings aren't reciprocated, someone is usually going to get hurt.

 

Again, not impossible for things to end up platonic, but rare.

[Toodaloo]

I have to respectfully disagree that salparadise wasn't absolutely spot on.

 

"Possible, not probable"

 

Or maybe, possible, but not a great idea.

 

If someone likes another, they met on dating website (which, last time I checked was to date), but the feelings aren't reciprocated, someone is usually going to get hurt.

 

Again, not impossible for things to end up platonic, but rare.

 

Well its a sad old world if people never grow up and continue to stay in the playground.

 

The way I look at it is this.

 

I date because I am looking for that exceptional guy. I am meeting some really fantastic people along the way.

 

Some do not go as far as dating because it is clear from the outset that there are fundamental differences that would make it a bad relationship.

 

Some go into a relationship and it becomes clearer later.

 

Just because the relationship is romantic doesn't mean that it has to stay so or develop so. Its called adaptability and consideration for others. If people were to be more honest, diligent and caring towards each other I suspect that there would be more intersex friendships. Regardless of whether they come from dating or not. Its called treating people with dignity and respect. Its very basic and not all that difficult.

 

In life we do not get on with everyone. So why is it any different when we consider lovers and friends? Think about it. How many people want a "best friend" as their lover? How many happy couples say that their partner is their best friend? Its really not that hard. The distinction between the two is easy to see and if people are adult about it there is no reason why it can't be dealt with in a reasonable way.

 

But then I also understand that some only see members of the opposite sex and play things or people to have sex with... Shame that they do not realise that we are each far more than just our genitals.

[chumly]

thanks for all the very interesting and very varied responses! This certainly turned into quite an interesting discussion.

 

It would seem that the situations will all vary and will be individualized as to whether a person will want to be friends or remain as friends when meeting on a dating site.

 

I really like Toodaloos response and maybe that is because that is the one I really want to believe is true! Perhaps like Toodaloo said, it is an age thing and as we get older the sexual drive in relations to the opposite sex is not nearly as important as when we were younger.

 

However, when I was about 19 years old there was a man that I met in a church that I went to at the time..we had become very good friends ..he was about 10 years older than myself and we hung out together so much and I LOVED spending time with him and due to this I developed romantic feelings for him..the feelings were not recipricated but he certainly loved to be with me but he did not have a romantic attraction to me. It hurt me for a little while at first but I eventually moved passed it and still liked just being friends with him. He has since moved out of state and we lost contact. I have not met a man since that time that I was able to connect with strictly as a friends and that is what brought me to this question. He was not attracted to me but wanted very much to spend time with me...I was not attracted to him at first but liked him so much as a friend that the feelings developed from there.

 

I think it is nice to have opposite sex friends to get the opposite sex perspective on things. I miss having a friendship like that. I work from home so my ways of interacting with others are so limited. i am trying to attend more meetups but it is so difficult for me to always get to them and I am really hoping that online dating will lead to friendships for me at the very least too.

 

Thanks everyone for all the interesting responses. I am still interested in any other thoughts at the same time.

[Toodaloo]

chumley I think you hit on a very good point.

 

While I am female I have grown up and continue to work in a very male dominated environment. Thus I have far greater access to meeting men and developing friendships, true friendships with men than I do with women.

 

This probably does give me a very skewed view point to someone who say grew up in a very female dominated environment and continued to work surrounded by females.

 

Perhaps it is this that allows me to have those friendships because I do not automatically look at a man and think about having sex with him. I am surrounded by them all shapes, types, looks etc so its not abnormal to me. I may notice that they have a particularly nice physical attribute but acknowledgment of that does not follow through to me thinking about tearing at their clothing...

 

The same way in that because I live in a very "rich" area vintage cars, Bentleys etc are not unusual at all. To others they would be worth a second look as they drive past. For me - its two a penny.

 

Does that make sense?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I don't see the point of using an ONLINE dating site to make opposite sex friends. It's not meant for that. I think there was a time I had tried doing that, but when the women went with me, the first time, and decided to say, "Sorry, I don't think we'd make a good match...but I'm okay with being friends."

 

I never heard back from her again after I agreed to the friendship....it was just something to "say" in the FORM of a rejection.

 

My suggestion, join a Meetup group where people meet face-to-face at group activities.

[salparadise]

I don't see the point of using an ONLINE dating site to make opposite sex friends. It's not meant for that.

 

 

It belies the underlying motivation. It's cute in a sense to see the ladies pursuing something so directly, while deluding themselves so completely... and choosing the one outlier post out of dozens to validate it.

 

It's like trying to find gold in a silver mine

It's like trying to drink whisky from a bottle of wine

~Sir Elton

[chumly]

chumley I think you hit on a very good point.

 

While I am female I have grown up and continue to work in a very male dominated environment. Thus I have far greater access to meeting men and developing friendships, true friendships with men than I do with women.

 

This probably does give me a very skewed view point to someone who say grew up in a very female dominated environment and continued to work surrounded by females.

 

Perhaps it is this that allows me to have those friendships because I do not automatically look at a man and think about having sex with him. I am surrounded by them all shapes, types, looks etc so its not abnormal to me. I may notice that they have a particularly nice physical attribute but acknowledgment of that does not follow through to me thinking about tearing at their clothing...

 

The same way in that because I live in a very "rich" area vintage cars, Bentleys etc are not unusual at all. To others they would be worth a second look as they drive past. For me - its two a penny.

 

Does that make sense?

 

yes, it does make sense and I think you are probably at a better advantage for that kind of thing since you work alongside of men in that capacity.

 

Thanks so much once again for your insight on the matter.

[chumly]

I don't see the point of using an ONLINE dating site to make opposite sex friends. It's not meant for that. I think there was a time I had tried doing that, but when the women went with me, the first time, and decided to say, "Sorry, I don't think we'd make a good match...but I'm okay with being friends."

 

I never heard back from her again after I agreed to the friendship....it was just something to "say" in the FORM of a rejection.

 

My suggestion, join a Meetup group where people meet face-to-face at group activities.

 

like i said in my post, I actually do attend meetup groups so the dating site would be one of many different ways. My thinking is that if I say I am looking to start as friends or activity buddies in my profile i will hopefully only get those that are interested in doing the same thing responding and that would be perfectly fine with me. I would not want anybody responding that would not respect my wishes of what i have in my profile.

I think the reason why someone. such as myself would want to use online dating for friends is because they are also open for the possibility of more in the future but just might want to take it slow at first for whatever reason that may be.

 

You might not agree with using a dating site in that way but everyone has their own pace that they like to take with relationships and i see nothing wrong with someone posting how they want to do things. If someone does not like what someone is looking for or the pace they want to go at they simply do not need to respond. They can just go onto the next profile in that case.

[Toodaloo]

yes, it does make sense and I think you are probably at a better advantage for that kind of thing since you work alongside of men in that capacity.

 

Thanks so much once again for your insight on the matter.

 

It doesn't help me with dating though as I am "one of the lads"... They do not hook me up with their friends or even think like that.

 

I am also quite "gruff" and not very feminine... Working on it, but it does have its disadvantages as well! I would actually like more female friends if I am honest. Thankfully over the more recent years I have met some wonderful women who are in the same position as me and who would actually like some female perspective and companionship, with whom I also get along.

 

I think you should put that in your profile. It will scare off the bitter guys who will think to themselves that you are only going to mess them about but it will encourage those who think like you and who do want the same thing to contact you. I think by taking that approach you are far more likely to find both friendship and love.

[Aniela]

I was on a dating site to meet friends. They had the option, so I thought it was okay. It turned out most people didn't see it that way, although I know that people did make friends on there.

[Aniela]

yes, it does make sense and I think you are probably at a better advantage for that kind of thing since you work alongside of men in that capacity.

 

Thanks so much once again for your insight on the matter.

 

Did you accidentally put the rolling-eye smiley in there?

[LookAtThisPOst]

like i said in my post, I actually do attend meetup groups so the dating site would be one of many different ways. My thinking is that if I say I am looking to start as friends or activity buddies in my profile i will hopefully only get those that are interested in doing the same thing responding and that would be perfectly fine with me. I would not want anybody responding that would not respect my wishes of what i have in my profile.

I think the reason why someone. such as myself would want to use online dating for friends is because they are also open for the possibility of more in the future but just might want to take it slow at first for whatever reason that may be.

 

You might not agree with using a dating site in that way but everyone has their own pace that they like to take with relationships and i see nothing wrong with someone posting how they want to do things. If someone does not like what someone is looking for or the pace they want to go at they simply do not need to respond. They can just go onto the next profile in that case.

 

I'm just saying there's no point in doing it anyway, because women who say they are on here "for friends" don't really mean it and are lying to themselves.

 

By being on a dating site, they are contradicting themselves.

 

These are one of the main examples of why women have made it so hard on men when it comes to dating. They tend to use an "out" when they are "on the prowl" because some are too embarrassed to admit to being on dating site as it is.

[Aniela]

I'm just saying there's no point in doing it anyway, because women who say they are on here "for friends" don't really mean it and are lying to themselves.

 

By being on a dating site, they are contradicting themselves.

 

These are one of the main examples of why women have made it so hard on men when it comes to dating. They tend to use an "out" when they are "on the prowl" because some are too embarrassed to admit to being on dating site as it is.

 

I love how you speak for women everywhere. I was looking for friends, I had that listed as the only thing I was looking for, when that was the case. If there was no point in looking for friends there, it shouldn't have been an option. I wasn't contradicting myself at all.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I love how you speak for women everywhere. I was looking for friends, I had that listed as the only thing I was looking for, when that was the case. If there was no point in looking for friends there, it shouldn't have been an option. I wasn't contradicting myself at all.

 

Well, just an FYI, when men see "looking for friends", on a dating site...they have their fingers crossed for an FWB experience.

 

That's how it comes across if you're woman, on a dating site, looking for "just friends"

 

You're better off meeting people organically, out in the real world.

[chumly]

Toodoloo..... thanks for the tidbit of information. I think I might try that too. I know how you feel about making female friends. I was feeling that way at one time too..in fact, i still feel like i would like to make both male and female friends as well. Good for you for going out and giving the whole thing a try and finding others who feel the same.

 

Aniela..yes, the roll eye emoticon to Toodaloos post was definitely a mistake. I thought that was a smiley face...my mistake:o I also agree with you about making friends on dating sites. Good for you for giving it a try and i agree that if that was not something that people do then why do so many sites have that as an option.

 

LookAtThisPOst...you seem to speak for both women and men now! My original question was to determine whether or not a male can be friends with a female if he is not attracted to her. I think there was a fair amount of replies that indicated that at least some people on here felt it was possible. In regards to men seeing 'friends only" on a dating site and hoping that that female wants FWB is a total generalization of men that is kind of an unfair statement to make on behalf of your entire sex to be honest and really does not do much to eliminate the "all men being dogs" sterotype. I just asked my x boyfriend if he seen a profile on a dating site that said they were looking for "friends"..would he hope for FWB and he said he would not. You seem to be very bothered by people (particularly females) using a dating site to make friends. As I said before, if you dont like a profile just dont respond to it. The country I live in is a free country and people can have whatever they want on their dating profile (as long as it does not break the dating site rules)...if you dont like that then just dont respond to those profiles, as I said, or start your own dating site for romantic dating only. People have a right to do as they want in regards to this..why let is get to you so much???

[Toodaloo]

When it comes to friends I like to have a broad range of people around me. As long as they are basically good people at heart I find the differences in opinions to be refreshing and eye opening. They stop me from becoming a stick in the mud or going too crazy! they help me maintain the ability to see things from a variety of angles which always helps.

 

As for LaTP - he has had some difficulties with OLD and a very different view to those who have not suffered those difficulties. I doubt he will give it up. But that is his choice to continue with it.

 

Not all men are dogs or nasty or users etc. I actually think very few of them are. But you do get "pockets" of men (and women) who behave this way. I tend to avoid them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

My original question was to determine whether or not a male can be friends with a female if he is not attracted to her.

 

I don't think it was the original question. I thought it was using the vessel of online dating to meet male friends and not date them. That's the impression I got from the OP.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think it was the original question. I thought it was using the vessel of online dating to meet male friends and not date them. That's the impression I got from the OP.

 

Well as there are options for what you are looking for ranging from friends to casual sex to marriage then I would have felt it was clear what people were looking for when they sign up.

 

It can and does happen but it is not common.

 

Just as it is not common for a person to be true friends with a whole heap of people. Most of us just have a few friends. Then a load of acquaintances. Then random people we sort of know are in existence but may not know their names then strangers...

 

As long as it is clear then I really do not see what the problem is.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well as there are options for what you are looking for ranging from friends to casual sex to marriage then I would have felt it was clear what people were looking for when they sign up.

 

It can and does happen but it is not common.

 

Just as it is not common for a person to be true friends with a whole heap of people. Most of us just have a few friends. Then a load of acquaintances. Then random people we sort of know are in existence but may not know their names then strangers...

 

As long as it is clear then I really do not see what the problem is.

 

To be honest, everytime I see a post like this on a dating message board, I see this Internet "meme" or whatever regarding "Dating in 2016."

 

That pretty much sums it up. It got a like of "likes".

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think it's not only possible but not that uncommon.

 

I've met some amazing men along the way in my dating career. Not every man I've met or been on a date with turns into relationships for one reason or another, obviously (duh). There are times you meet someone who you enjoy their company, have lots of things in common, where conversation is effortless and it just feels comfortable yet there isn't enough there to quite make it into a romantic relationship.

 

If the guy is open, I'm always happy to build a friendship if we have that connection. I mean, why not?

 

Some of my male friends are the kind you can hang out with like going to a movie or grab a drink while other male friends are more the texting/calling buddies where we chat and swap our dating horror stories or ask for advice from each other about the opposite sex as we navigate the dating world.

 

However, this is only ever possible with with men who are emotionally mature. Some of my greatest male friends have come from men I've met on dating sites. Hell, some have been men I've met on sex sites!! So anything is possible if you ask me.

 

Of course, this doesn't happen ALL the time! But it definitely is possible and if/when it does, it can be awesome

[Toodaloo]

To be honest, everytime I see a post like this on a dating message board, I see this Internet "meme" or whatever regarding "Dating in 2016."

 

That pretty much sums it up. It got a like of "likes".

 

Well LaTP the answer for YOU is perfectly SIMPLE.

 

Do not respond to those types of profiles. Its not rocket science. If you do not like it do not get involved in it.

 

Just quit having a go at people who do make a success of OLD etc by remaining clear in what they want and what they are looking for. Just because some of us choose to ignore the bad instead of allowing it to become an all consuming fight to the death to prove a point, then actually have some success is not a bad reflection on us.

 

Quit flying about with your negativity. Its not helpful and after a while just gets really dull and repetitive. You have been told time and time again that it is your attitude that holds you back. If you make the choice not to listen and to continue to carry on giving out duff advice and insulting people, questioning their motives then that really is your problem not anyone elses.

 

You have been advised that a change in attitude may bring you more success but you do not listen, you continue to bang your head against a brick wall so I am past bothering any more.

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

However, this is only ever possible with with men who are emotionally mature.

 

So you're saying that men who aren't into this aren't emotionally mature? I had a male friend give me advice. That there IS an exception where you can be friends with women, but only under a certain condition.

 

"Never be friends with a woman you'd like to date, but it's okay to be friends with someone you don't want to date."

 

Basically, if you're attracted to them, don't be friends with them, if you're not attracted then by all means be their friend.

[Michelle ma Belle]

So you're saying that men who aren't into this aren't emotionally mature? I had a male friend give me advice. That there IS an exception where you can be friends with women, but only under a certain condition.

 

"Never be friends with a woman you'd like to date, but it's okay to be friends with someone you don't want to date."

 

Basically, if you're attracted to them, don't be friends with them, if you're not attracted then by all means be their friend.

 

First, it takes a certain kind of man to be able to carry a friendship with a woman without getting weird about it and letting sex overshadow things. And this goes for women too of course! It goes both ways. So yes, it takes someone mature enough to be able to handle that kind of relationship. It isn't for the weak.

 

Second, regarding to attraction vs friendship, I don't see them as the same thing. I mean, how many unattractive women have you gone on a date with? I bet none. I know my dates have been with men I found very physically attractive which is partly why I accepted the date in the first place.

 

But physical attraction isn't everything, is it? Sometimes things change when you meet face to face. You can still be physically attracted to them, they could be a great guy, you enjoy their company BUT something is missing. The proverbial "spark" I guess that prevents you from taking things further.

 

Why toss a perfectly great thing with someone if you can salvage something good from it? All my male friends that started out as dates are men I still find physically attractive and they still think I'm attractive too. We may have tried for something more but it just didn't work out for whatever reason and therefore we chose to instead try for friendship.

 

Is it really that strange?

[Miss Peach]

The issue I have with it is that most men use lines like that as code to keep things casual. Since I am not a woman who is into things like FWB I pass on those men. I also easily get orbiter types. But sometimes that takes a little bit of time to figure out how mature and sincere the guy is. If I feel the guy is really sincere I may do it.

 

However I do see Michelle's point and agree with it. I've met a lot of people through online avenues and even if it's not a dating situation, you can still enjoy their company.