Newstart7 Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I have been on both sides of the fence. I think the biggest issue is regaining trust for both of us. My WH chose to stay because he said he could never have trusted his AP but I broke his trust at one time also. I know I am no better than his AP was because I had been in her shoes in the past and I realize him cheating with her made him no better than her or myself. If we didn't have children, I think going our separate ways would give us the honest fresh start we both need but he really wants to try to give our marriage a chance. Can I trust him knowing he cheated on me? I have made a decision in the past to never let myself go down that same path but even though he seems sincere, I have my doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I have been on both sides of the fence. I think the biggest issue is regaining trust for both of us. My WH chose to stay because he said he could never have trusted his AP but I broke his trust at one time also. I know I am no better than his AP was because I had been in her shoes in the past and I realize him cheating with her made him no better than her or myself. If we didn't have children, I think going our separate ways would give us the honest fresh start we both need but he really wants to try to give our marriage a chance. Can I trust him knowing he cheated on me? I have made a decision in the past to never let myself go down that same path but even though he seems sincere, I have my doubts. You do marriage counseling and keep an open mind and heart. You both have to earn each others trust and want to make it work. Fight hard to keep your family intact. You have to choose to want to trust him and have faith that you two can work together to be happy again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I have been on both sides of the fence. I think the biggest issue is regaining trust for both of us. My WH chose to stay because he said he could never have trusted his AP but I broke his trust at one time also. I know I am no better than his AP was because I had been in her shoes in the past and I realize him cheating with her made him no better than her or myself. If we didn't have children, I think going our separate ways would give us the honest fresh start we both need but he really wants to try to give our marriage a chance. Can I trust him knowing he cheated on me? I have made a decision in the past to never let myself go down that same path but even though he seems sincere, I have my doubts. I thought splitting up would be best too but my H held on tight. I'm glad he did. A marriage is hard work and if you love your H and he is a good man, I would wait a year. Feel free to PM me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Just curious, had much time elapsed between your A and his? Does that change things? My exh cheated a long time ago and I let it go. We didn't have a very strong emotional attachment to each other though. I trusted him again but it didn't matter. Is it silly to think it boils down to whether the love is worth trying for?exmm's wife had affairs too. I think he wanted to save M if he could. Im jealous of you by proxy.(but hope it works out for you of course!) You know you trust yourself to not make the same choices right? Why not extend that possibility to him as well. Does he trust himself yet? If he seems sincere and demonstrated some true growth and deeper understandings, its absolutely possible to get trust back. Do you both a.) want the same thing in regards to a relationship and b.) want it with each other? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newstart7 Posted September 4, 2016 Author Share Posted September 4, 2016 My affair was earlier in our marriage. His affair was a long term affair that recently ended. I am torn between what is the best example for me to set for my children. They are unaware of the situation as I want to keep them protected from it because they are young. However, I realize that someday they will learn about what happened and if I stay with him, will I be setting an example for my daughters that it is okay for them to stay in a relationship that cheating has occurred. This is on both sides as we are both guilty. Forgiveness is so important and I want them to learn that too but making a decision to start fresh and offer my kids a relationship that could very well involve no cheating as I will not tolerate another man that cheats and I respect myself to never do it again myself. I'm leaning strongly towards wanting to give my children less drama in the future by ending things now while they are still young. I respect myself enough to not allow both of our poor choices in the past to affect our future and walking out rather than waiting to see if he can actually commit to me 100% may be the best option. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 My affair was earlier in our marriage. His affair was a long term affair that recently ended. I am torn between what is the best example for me to set for my children. They are unaware of the situation as I want to keep them protected from it because they are young. However, I realize that someday they will learn about what happened and if I stay with him, will I be setting an example for my daughters that it is okay for them to stay in a relationship that cheating has occurred. This is on both sides as we are both guilty. Forgiveness is so important and I want them to learn that too but making a decision to start fresh and offer my kids a relationship that could very well involve no cheating as I will not tolerate another man that cheats and I respect myself to never do it again myself. I'm leaning strongly towards wanting to give my children less drama in the future by ending things now while they are still young. I respect myself enough to not allow both of our poor choices in the past to affect our future and walking out rather than waiting to see if he can actually commit to me 100% may be the best option. To me, this doesn't make sense. So the lesson you want to teach is, them cheating is ok but don't accept anyone cheating on you.... because that is what they will get once they are old enough to understand it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newstart7 Posted September 4, 2016 Author Share Posted September 4, 2016 I want what is best for my children. My happiness is not a priority because even though he is trying really hard to make amends, I see a selfish side to it for him. He knows what he will loose if he does not decide to work at making the marriage work. I think he is doing it more out of fear than out of love for me. My affair ended because there was no longer any feelings between my xMM and myself. His affair ended due to me finding out about it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 I want what is best for my children. My happiness is not a priority because even though he is trying really hard to make amends, I see a selfish side to it for him. He knows what he will loose if he does not decide to work at making the marriage work. I think he is doing it more out of fear than out of love for me. My affair ended because there was no longer any feelings between my xMM and myself. His affair ended due to me finding out about it. If we are being honest, you sound like the selfish one, you sound very entitled. It's come off very clear that you see your feelings as more important then your husband. All I can say is wow Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 You guys have a lot of work to do- you both need to be up to the challenge or its not going to work- how much have you talked about that aspect-the desire to work it out? That would be the best place to start- Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 You guys have a lot of work to do- you both need to be up to the challenge or its not going to work- how much have you talked about that aspect-the desire to work it out? That would be the best place to start- She needs to change her attitude, they can talk for a solid year, but with her attitude It will accomplish nothing. In her mind what she did was ok because her affair ran it's course and ended, her affair didn't damage the kids. In her mind his was worse. No way anything can be worked out with this dynamic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Neither of you can trust on another, is that some kind of deal breaker? You have both cheated, so you guys a even there. One or both of you may still have issues about that and you will collectively and individually have to work on that. Women usually cheat for emotional reason that may lead to sex and men usually cheat for sex that may lead to emotions. In the end it is just a wash. The question is, do you and your husband really, truly, deeply love one another? If you do, the marriage can be salvaged. If not, it just may not work out. But this is a question that you both need to talk about, and be honest about. And look, having kids does make a difference, but it should in no way be the reason that you stay together. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Neither of you can trust on another, is that some kind of deal breaker? You have both cheated, so you guys a even there. One or both of you may still have issues about that and you will collectively and individually have to work on that. Women usually cheat for emotional reason that may lead to sex and men usually cheat for sex that may lead to emotions. In the end it is just a wash. The question is, do you and your husband really, truly, deeply love one another? If you do, the marriage can be salvaged. If not, it just may not work out. But this is a question that you both need to talk about, and be honest about. And look, having kids does make a difference, but it should in no way be the reason that you stay together. Good luck... Very good advise, however, she first need to do understand she isn't morally superior, her affair will have just as much negative impact on the kids no matter how it started or ended. Her claiming to want to move towards divorce to set an example is almost a joke, and shows one of the highest levels of entitlement I've seen on this forum. Where was this need to be a positive role model when she was neck deep in her affair, stealing time and energy away from her family and giving it to another man? Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 My affair was earlier in our marriage. His affair was a long term affair that recently ended. I am torn between what is the best example for me to set for my children. They are unaware of the situation as I want to keep them protected from it because they are young. However, I realize that someday they will learn about what happened and if I stay with him, will I be setting an example for my daughters that it is okay for them to stay in a relationship that cheating has occurred. This is on both sides as we are both guilty. Forgiveness is so important and I want them to learn that too but making a decision to start fresh and offer my kids a relationship that could very well involve no cheating as I will not tolerate another man that cheats and I respect myself to never do it again myself. I'm leaning strongly towards wanting to give my children less drama in the future by ending things now while they are still young. I respect myself enough to not allow both of our poor choices in the past to affect our future and walking out rather than waiting to see if he can actually commit to me 100% may be the best option. How is getting a divorce less drama? You can't really protect kids from bad things in life by getting divorced as a precaution against getting hurt. That thinking is a bit warped, no offense. You have no idea what tomorrow will bring. If you want to try and save your marriage, try and save it. You both cheated, you are basically even. That said, I don't necessarily think kids need to know everything about their parent's personal lives. I don't have an intention of telling my kids specifics of our marriage. Mine are little as well. I would not make that a factor in my decision tbh. I guess my one question would be your H's A, you say it ended because you found out. How long was it? Are you afraid that he is in love with her and pines for her? Is the OW married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Newstart7 hold on there girl... Look I understand that right now, you H's affair is hurting you the most. It is fresh, you have all the emotions that he had when your affair was discovered. (I mean, he knows about your affair, Right?) The point is that if you are expecting him to do all the work be cause his affair is most recent, that may not work out. One of my wife's affairs was 26 years ago and I am still pissed about it as well an any of the newer ones. And the fact that I have slept around does not negate the feeling I have about those past affairs. I this type of situation, both of you have to be "All In", or you can piss on the fire and call in the dogs, because it is already over. Peace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Newstart7 hold on there girl... Look I understand that right now, you H's affair is hurting you the most. It is fresh, you have all the emotions that he had when your affair was discovered. (I mean, he knows about your affair, Right?) The point is that if you are expecting him to do all the work be cause his affair is most recent, that may not work out. One of my wife's affairs was 26 years ago and I am still pissed about it as well an any of the newer ones. And the fact that I have slept around does not negate the feeling I have about those past affairs. I this type of situation, both of you have to be "All In", or you can piss on the fire and call in the dogs, because it is already over. Peacedid you recently find all this out, or from the sounds of it you at least knew about the first affair she had...how many more do you suspect? As I learn more I'm starting to feel you were almost justified in your actions since you feared leaving your kids alone with her because of her behavior....almost Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 DK if this question (above) is for me, then one other one for sure that I caught her in. Dude that is not ever the thing that bothers me the most, I was most embarrassed about the fact that the guys were dorks. I mean if your going to screw around at least have some good sex. But, I also had all the other feelings that a BS has and it sucked. My biggest issue is her multi year (15 to 20) drug addiction that she hid from everyone that was as stupid as me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 DK if this question (above) is for me, then one other one for sure that I caught her in. Dude that is not ever the thing that bothers me the most, I was most embarrassed about the fact that the guys were dorks. I mean if your going to screw around at least have some good sex. But, I also had all the other feelings that a BS has and it sucked. My biggest issue is her multi year (15 to 20) drug addiction that she hid from everyone that was as stupid as me. Yes I understand, but there is a very good chance her drug addiction is the only problem. I'm guessing without that the infidelities may not have happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 (edited) I am both. I had a RA after my WH's first infidelity but did not disclose my A until I found out about his A with MOW. We have dealt with both of our A's. I never withheld info about my A after my disclosure whereas my WH lied through his teeth until I discovered we were in False R To me there is no difference between both of us cheating, BUT there is a HUGE difference in how each of us has handled our aftermath and my WH has failed miserably at it. It has been almost 2+ years since I discovered False R and I am only now able to see a slight improvement, not enough to say we are out of the woods yet. My issue no longer is with his LTA or my RA, but who my WH is at his core. OP only you will know what is good for you after you have processed your WH's A. It takes a while, like 2-5 years, and there is still no guarantee that you will trust or even want to stay married. Edited September 6, 2016 by ladydesigner 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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