Different standards for MW and MM

[lftbehind]

Is there more of a stigma in society when a MW has an A than when a MM has an affair? It seems like women are vilified more when they have and affair and men it's more accepted. It's like women are supposed to be pure and virginal and if they have an affair they are bad girls that deserve what they get. If they get used and mistreated by their AP, they deserve it. What are some opinions on this?

[DKT3]

Is there more of a stigma in society when a MW has an A than when a MM has an affair? It seems like women are vilified more when they have and affair and men it's more accepted. It's like women are supposed to be pure and virginal and if they have an affair they are bad girls that deserve what they get. If they get used and mistreated by their AP, they deserve it. What are some opinions on this?

I see it differently, MW rarely actually take out side blame for having affairs. The husband is to blame when either has an affair. The social conditioning on this topic seems to be boys will be boys, men are dogs and drive women to cheat.

 

When I told my own mother about my wife's affair her very first question was "well what did you do wrong" she quickly backtracked and then her momma bear claws came out.

 

However, it was a question I faced alot over the following year or so after.

 

Admittedly, there is also alot of "whore" shaming for unfaithful wives that unfaithful men don't face.

 

Overall men take a much heavier levy in the world of affairs, BH's are seen as less then, weak and not sexually competitive, while MM are seen as cowards and jerks. Those things simply aren't layed on women, on either side of the equation.

Edited September 3, 2016 by DKT3

[Midwestmissy]

I got a lot of the same reaction as a bw. That I was frigid etc. hello, 1954. Anyway, what I surmise is that people tell themselves that the betrayed partner messed up somehow, and that way they tell themselves it won't happen to them. No one wants to believe that they're vulnerable, so blaming the betrayed, even a little, eases their minds.

 

I'm a sahm. Therefore, I wasn't giving my husband enough attention, I spent his money, I was uninteresting, too involved with my own things, not focused on the marriage. Other people could say "well that's not MY marriage, so I won't get cheated on." Nothing in the world I did would have kept him from cheating except himself. I got treated poorly and the reason I didn't stray is because I model adult behavior for my kids, that's my job. They're teenagers and require that. I couldn't put my needs in front of my family's. But my wh gave himself that permission because he knew I had the Homefront under control. He never called from a hotel room asking if homework was done, baths, how was the soccer game. During the affair, it never crossed his mind. That's not a result of my actions, it's a result of him acting like a douche for 6 months.

[malvern99]

That stigma definitely exists. It is embedded deep within our reptilian brains. I think it is a societal relic from a time when things like DNA tests to prove paternity were unfathomable.

[sandylee1]

I agree with you OP. Married women are looked as being worse. Women are generally held to a higher standard of morality. You often hear it said "how can you cheat with a MM. Think about his eufe".

 

A MM doesn't always get "think about her husband".

[ShatteredLady]

The vast majority of threads here, at some point, state the 'fact' that no MM would cheat if he loved his wife. The BS must be at fault, withholding what 'her man' needs or he would NEVER cheat.

 

The MM stays for his kids, his money, his standing in society, even his house & pension. It's unimaginable that a poor MM would commit adultery on a good wife.

 

Women are pursued by these neglected, miserable men who just don't want to loose all the financial & social achievements of their lives.

 

The married mother who cheats is judged very harshly. We still have that standard but half think her H must be a monster to drive her to it & the other half think she's a loose, easily manipulated lady.

 

The single OW gets it the worst I think. She's either a home wrecker or a mindless tart to be used & abused by afore mentioned poor sexually & emotionally deprived MM.

 

Life is far more complicated than any of the steriotypes.

 

In any marriage there are highs & lows. If anyone believes that they could be the perfect, eternally perky, sexual Dynamo good luck to you. Everyone has moments of weakness & complicated psychological issues that are much discussed.

 

As human beings we frequently believe whatever we need to so we can sleep at night. If we couldn't twist reality to justify our actions we wouldn't do hurtful things.

 

Do men or women get judged more harshly? Really depends on the audience & what they've experienced in life.

[DKT3]

I agree with you OP. Married women are looked as being worse. Women are generally held to a higher standard of morality. You often hear it said "how can you cheat with a MM. Think about his eufe".

 

A MM doesn't always get "think about her husband".

 

Well mm do get that..

 

Yes women are held to a higher standard in the sexually moral way. But the double standard gate swings both ways.

 

Example, it's acceptable for a woman to say I cheated because.my husband is horrible in bed or he let himself go. Seen it here tons of times, other women identify and even agree. However if I said I cheated because my wife got fat, or wouldnt have sex then I would be made the bad guy and be attacked.

[Tayla]

Nah. The punishment fits the crime...

 

Gender neutrality.

 

I recall one of my friends being upset when he got wind that his partner cheated on him. they are each males..

[road]

Is there more of a stigma in society when a MW has an A than when a MM has an affair? It seems like women are vilified more when they have and affair and men it's more accepted. It's like women are supposed to be pure and virginal and if they have an affair they are bad girls that deserve what they get. If they get used and mistreated by their AP, they deserve it. What are some opinions on this?

 

 

Stigma?

 

 

When a man cheats and he knocks up his AP he can still come home to recover his marriage and go NC with the OW and OC.

 

 

When a woman cheats and gets knocked up her BC gets stuck with having to witness the process for 9 months then has to face the OC for the rest of his life if he wants to recover his marriage.

 

 

Stigma, rooted from the old days before DNA tests because the BH would never know if he got cuckolded.

 

 

Stigma, in place with DNA tests because the BH still gets stuck with the OC if he wants to save his marriage.

[Newstart7]

Statistically MM get to the have their cake and eat it to. Typically when a MM affair is discovered, he still has a chance to reconcile with his wife and not lose anything from having the affair as wives are more likely to forgive if he decides he wants to work on his marriage.

 

MW have affairs and their affair is discovered and 6/10 times the husband will leave his wife without giving her a chance to reconcile.

 

However, I have seen AP marry and it neither MM or MW were held to different standards. It all comes down to making choices and deciding what is best for all involved.

[DKT3]

Statistically MM get to the have their cake and eat it to. Typically when a MM affair is discovered, he still has a chance to reconcile with his wife and not lose anything from having the affair as wives are more likely to forgive if he decides he wants to work on his marriage.

 

MW have affairs and their affair is discovered and 6/10 times the husband will leave his wife without giving her a chance to reconcile.

 

However, I have seen AP marry and it neither MM or MW were held to different standards. It all comes down to making choices and deciding what is best for all involved.

 

Actually BH'S leave at a higher rate then 60%. But its not really the affair that is the death nail, it's usually an unremorseful wife still hanging on to the affair.

[sandylee1]

Well mm do get that..

 

Yes women are held to a higher standard in the sexually moral way. But the double standard gate swings both ways.

 

Example, it's acceptable for a woman to say I cheated because.my husband is horrible in bed or he let himself go. Seen it here tons of times, other women identify and even agree. However if I said I cheated because my wife got fat, or wouldnt have sex then I would be made the bad guy and be attacked.

 

Actually I think it's women who get accused more of putting on weight after the kids. Paying attention to the kids. Neglecting her husband and not being interested in sex.

 

I don't think it just applies to affairs though. We're so used to men abandoning their kids these days and never seeing them again, a mother who does the same is seen as worse. "How can a mother abandon the child she carried for 9 months"

 

Women are meant to be nice and gentle. When women commit violent crimes it's so much more of a shock to society.

 

I had a similar discussion with a mixed group some years back and one of the guys said that, a married woman being faithful was very important because of the risk of pregnancy and that knowing your wife could be pregnant by another man if she's fooling around is too much to come back from. I'm used to women getting the flack so much.

 

In my community growing up there was a couple who had a LTA and even had a child togetger. Both were married, but people always blamed her more. It was "How could she do it." "What kind of woman does that?" Especially as she was the BWs friend.

 

With the MM, people just said he shouldn't have had the affair with someone within the community. Not that he shouldn't have had the affair.

[DKT3]

Actually I think it's women who get accused more of putting on weight after the kids. Paying attention to the kids. Neglecting her husband and not being interested in sex.

 

I don't think it just applies to affairs though. We're so used to men abandoning their kids these days and never seeing them again, a mother who does the same is seen as worse. "How can a mother abandon the child she carried for 9 months"

 

Women are meant to be nice and gentle. When women commit violent crimes it's so much more of a shock to society.

 

I had a similar discussion with a mixed group some years back and one of the guys said that, a married woman being faithful was very important because of the risk of pregnancy and that knowing your wife could be pregnant by another man if she's fooling around is too much to come back from. I'm used to women getting the flack so much.

 

In my community growing up there was a couple who had a LTA and even had a child togetger. Both were married, but people always blamed her more. It was "How could she do it." "What kind of woman does that?" Especially as she was the BWs friend.

 

With the MM, people just said he shouldn't have had the affair with someone within the community. Not that he shouldn't have had the affair.

Gender based double standards exist in every aspect of life, including affairs. Saying one gender has it harder is to general and individual. In our case my wife really took a hit, including from her parents. It was so bad that I often found myself defending him.

 

Better or worse? It's mainly just different.

[Tayla]

 

However, I have seen AP marry and it neither MM or MW were held to different standards. It all comes down to making choices and deciding what is best for all involved.

 

Can you clarify please?

 

When deception is center stage there is no thinking of what is best for all concerned...

 

I maintain the discontent for infidelity. It's about poor choices.. Little regard.. Which both genders are capable of exhibiting.

[noelle303]

Stigma?

 

 

When a man cheats and he knocks up his AP he can still come home to recover his marriage and go NC with the OW and OC.

 

 

When a woman cheats and gets knocked up her BC gets stuck with having to witness the process for 9 months then has to face the OC for the rest of his life if he wants to recover his marriage.

 

 

Stigma, rooted from the old days before DNA tests because the BH would never know if he got cuckolded.

 

 

Stigma, in place with DNA tests because the BH still gets stuck with the OC if he wants to save his marriage.

 

Sure, if the MM is a deadbeat and an a** and decides to abandon his child. My xMM's wife will have to deal with my daughter for as long as she is married to him, possibly for the rest of her life.

 

I mean, technically, if you see it as such that a parent can freely walk away from their child, why can't a mother (a MW) do that as well? She also has a choice of terminating a pregnancy is she wants to preserve her marriage.

 

I do believe that women are generally frowned upon more harshly when it comes to being both OW and MW, but that is just part of our society putting a bigger emphasis on a woman's ''purity'' and ''morality''.

[DKT3]

Can you clarify please?

 

When deception is center stage there is no thinking of what is best for all concerned...

 

I maintain the discontent for infidelity. It's about poor choices.. Little regard.. Which both genders are capable of exhibiting.

 

So many in these situations see themselves as victims of circumstances. Since its not intended everyone should understand.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is there more of a stigma in society when a MW has an A than when a MM has an affair? It seems like women are vilified more when they have and affair and men it's more accepted. It's like women are supposed to be pure and virginal and if they have an affair they are bad girls that deserve what they get. If they get used and mistreated by their AP, they deserve it. What are some opinions on this?

 

I would say both genders are pretty blunt when it comes to getting used and mistreated by an AP. No one says anyone deserves it but if you engage in high risk behavior, you tend to get burnt. I have friends of both genders and no one said anything bad to me, they were pretty supportive . When my inlaws found out, they said to my H, 'this is all your fault', as a lot of people think a woman only strays if the man is not taking care of her.

 

Those are family and friends though. I did not have the situation where a lot of random people found out. In that situation, I agree the woman takes the heat. I'm reminded of the Petraeus affair where the OW was painted this temptress and he the victim of her advances. He did lose his job in the gov't here but is now a partner in an equities firm whereas Paula Broadwell has struggled all these years. http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/fashion/david-petraeus-paula-broadwell-scandal-affair.html?_r=0

[sandylee1]

Stigma?

 

 

When a man cheats and he knocks up his AP he can still come home to recover his marriage and go NC with the OW and OC.

 

 

.

 

I agree with this. A MM can just walk away and then pay CS via bank transfer or via a salary sacrifice. In fact I've seen a place where this is recommended to reconcile the marriage, without a constant reminder of the infidelity and so that the affair doesn't start up again.

 

It says to just view the CS as a charitable donation for 18 years. So the MM can definetly go no contact with OW and OC. The BH has to live with the OC for life if he chooses to reconcile.

 

A MW cannot do that, which is one of the reasons I personally feel a woman should take more responsibility for pregnancy/birth control. Purely because it's her life that will be impacted by it the most.

[imperfectangel]

I agree with sandy. My mm is very paranoid about pregnancy and I've said to himself if it ever happened it would be my life that changed, not his. He could carry on as if it never happened

[noelle303]

I agree with this. A MM can just walk away and then pay CS via bank transfer or via a salary sacrifice. In fact I've seen a place where this is recommended to reconcile the marriage, without a constant reminder of the infidelity and so that the affair doesn't start up again.

 

[/b]

 

There are marriage counselors who literally recommend child abandonment? That's incredibly unethical and just plain wrong.

[lftbehind]

Thank you very much everybody for your replies. It's good to get other peoples opinions on things. I have felt judged a lot as a MOW when I post here, so I don't post very much. I like to read other womens stories. I know that I'm in the wrong by having an A, but when H has treated me badly and talked about how he wants a divorce, I don't feel as guilty about looking for affection elsewhere.

[OneLov]

Like others have stated, the commodity model of sex is ingrained in Western Culture.

 

"The commodity model assumes that when a woman has sex, she loses something of value. If she engages in too much sex, she will be left with nothing of value. It further assumes that sex earlier in her history is more valuable than sex later…." - Thomas Macaulay Millar

Edited September 5, 2016 by OneLov

[gettingstronger]

Ok, I'll be honest. Yes, I do hold women to a higher standard. It's beyond me in a general sense how any woman would sleep with another woman's husband. On a personal level, I do hold only my husband responsible for betraying me.

[sandylee1]

There are marriage counselors who literally recommend child abandonment? That's incredibly unethical and just plain wrong.

 

Yes. It takes the view that this child wasn't planned and is a consequence of sex that should never have happened if the marriage vows were kept true to promise.

 

The focus is on repairing the damage done as a result of the infidelity.

 

The marriage is deemed more important than the child. The premise is that the OW, will find it easier to meet a new man to be a father to her child without the MM being around. That the child will thrive better without going between two homes and potentially facing a hostile and unwelcome BS and siblings.

 

Plus no fear of her getting back with MM if there is NC and that the WHs marriage will heal better without the presence of the OW/OC.

 

Similar advice is given to MW who get pregnant by the OM. That the OM should not be told of the child being his, if the BH wants to reconcile and is willing to raise the child as his own.

 

The point being that WS has to put their BS (and children of the marriage) first and foremost, as they didn't do so during the affair.

[imperfectangel]

I find it disgusting that adults would put their needs before a child's.