almostthere Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 I normally dont ask for advice like this but i'm really stuck and sometimes i think inpartial advice is best. i am a divorced mother of 2. my son is 7 and my daughter is 4. I have been living seperately from my ex for 3 years this aug. we tried here and there to work it out but i dont think it is in the best interest of myself or my kids. he was mentally abusive and uninvolved in our lives. the stress became so much that i had 2 nervous breakdowns and i was on 2 different anti depressants. which is why i left. all the responsibilties were left for me to do even though i left the house at 7am and returned home at 700pm mon-fri for work. but this isnt about him really. i just had to give you background. Two weeks ago my ex called me to tell me he was moving in with his girlfriend. it didnt bother me. i talked to my kids about it and i was very positive. saying that she is probably very nice and so on. even tho when my ex and i were trying to get back together he was sleeping with us both (no i didnt know then). anyway...all that aside. my son told me he was very uncomfortable about this. that she was going to interfer with his time with his dad. and he went on further to say that he didnt believe people should get remarried. my daughter doesnt care. she doesnt want much to do with him anymore even though i am trying for her sake to make going to see her dad as fun and positive. i dont want her to let go to only later in life regret. i am a child from divorced parents too. i was 10 years old. ok...having said all that...now me. i have been in a commited relationship for 1 year now. we are living seperately and just recently revieled to my kids that we are dating. about 2 weeks ago. i wasnt ready to let them know until we (the kids and i were ready). he spent time with them and me as friends til recently. so far everything is going good and my son is comfortable with it all. my kids and i are very close and i am not the only one who has to live with mommy's choices. recently my boyfriend has been talking about engagement. ive already turned him down once about 2 months ago. i told him that i dont want to get engaged until after we move into together. he wants to get engaged before we move in together. but i dont feel ready after only a year for either. and he doesnt understand this. he is just starting to come to my family gatherings and outtings with the kids. he is just now beginning to show a genuine interest in being a father figure. not that he didnt before but it was always about me. not me and the kids. and we are a package deal. so all that made me really uncomfortable. but now that he is starting to be there for all of that i am starting to wish that i had a little more time to myself. i am seeing him 6 out of 7 days now and i feel a little closed in. some times i get that he could love the kids as his own but other times i get that its not happening. and all these feelings are the reasons why i dont want to move in or get engaged. plus i have been planning out mine and my kids lives as a family of 3 for the past 3 years and i am finding it difficult to include someone else. and i am trying to put myself through college for my BA degree in nursing and i feel that he would rather me be a stay at home mom. plus he wants another child and i dont. with all of this up in the air i dont think now is the time for either of these big steps he wants. but i can see myself marrying him someday so i argue with myself if your going to do it all one day whats the difference in when? but i guess its because i am still not 100% sure. i dont know what i am asking for from you as far as advice. i cried half way to work today because of all of this and my ex. i wish i could move back to the life i had 4 years ago. with my ex. but then i remember how bad it hurt. i still love him but i dont. doesnt make sense to me. why cant i just not want him anymore? i was doing fine til we started getting along 2 weeks ago. nevermind that...im not going back. i just think about it. i was with him since i was 15. i dont know. things change right? i just wish i didnt have so much pressure on me right now. ive talked to my bf a lot about how i am not ready but i think hes looking at rings again and i dont want to say no twice. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Slow down and take a look around. Why are you feeling guilty about moving on with your life (which you sooo deserve)? You are not making foolish decisions! I've been through the same thing. It's hard to let go and start something new. Let go unless you TRULY aren't sure about your feelings for him and whether they are still there or not. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=55283& ^Here's a thread that I started only like one month into my marriage. It reminds me of you. I have major issues with allowing myself to be dependant upon someone else. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=37382 ^Here's my first thread here on LS. Does any of it feel/sound familiar? I feel your pain. It gets easier though! You can be engaged and never wed, it's okay! Engagement isn't nearly the commitment that a marriage is. Let go, live and enjoy the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 Thanks for replying. Your posts did sound like mine. its so hard to make this transition for me. my mom and i had a talk last night and she said it might be because hes not the one for me. i think its because i still love my ex and wish that it could work out. i left him and he calls me everyday still to say hi and up until two weeks ago when he told me he was moving in with the gf told me he loves me everyday and would do anything to have me and the kids back. but i remember the arguments and the crying and saddness i had during the relationship. it would probably be emotional suicide again. i just need a little time to burry old feelings and make sure the kids are handling their dad moving in with the gf before i spring anything on them too. not only all that but the fact that i cant seem to let go of my independence and the freedom to raise my kids and take them places without anyone saying no we arent going to do that today or listen to an adult whine about being bored at a museum or beach. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 So maybe neither one of you are ready for a relationship? It's not fair to the boyfriend/girlfriend of the ex-spouse to not get 100% dedication, and for them to still be hung up on their ex. Really re-evaluate it. Just remember, it ended for a reason. Those thought may have diminished over time, but it ended for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts