Why would a guy behave this way?

[Rosemary101]

Husband wants a divorce, but he says he never wants to date or get married again.

 

He loved me in the past. Now he says he hates me. I love and hate him at the same time - I love him more than I hate him. I still want us to be together.

 

Are there really people who just give up dating life completely after an unsuccessful marriage? I just really want to know what could be going on in his mind.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Husband wants a divorce, but he says he never wants to date or get married again.

 

He loved me in the past. Now he says he hates me. I love and hate him at the same time - I love him more than I hate him. I still want us to be together.

 

Are there really people who just give up dating life completely after an unsuccessful marriage? I just really want to know what could be going on in his mind.

 

He is hurting emotionally right now. All of us tend to make statements when we are not thinking clearly.

 

Concerning hatred: That means he still holds feelings for you. The opposite of love is not hatred, it's being "neutral" or indifferent. And to take it one step further, just because he still has feelings doesn't mean he wants to reunite.

 

Google Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. Read the comments, and consider buying a used copy. The book doesn't help to get your husband back, but it might help you let go in a loving way.

 

I'm sorry you are facing this situation!!

[LancasterAmos1966]

I still want us to be together.

 

 

I'm all for reconciliation, but I'm not one to suggest that you do all the work. However, if you really want to try, then Google Standing For Marriage.

 

You will find others who are waiting for their spouse to return back to them. I'm not in 100 percent agreement with what they teach, but if you really "want us to be together" then this is probably your best option right now.

[BluesPower]

Yes I fell this way now. For me if I do get divorced I will never allow myself to fall in love again, People say I am crazy, but that does not change the way I feel. I mean I am not completely crazy, I will always have a few GF's but I will not really love them.

 

He feels that way, and he may for a while or forever. Does it matter to you one way or another? I mean he wants out and you will never be able to make him stay if he really wants to go.

 

Have you done everything you could do to save the marriage? Or, will you have regrets either way?

 

Are you trying to take care of yourself? Where are you at right now, mentally?

Edited September 4, 2016 by BluesPower

[Rosemary101]

Yes I fell this way now. For me if I do get divorced I will never allow myself to fall in love again, People say I am crazy, but that does not change the way I feel. I mean I am not completely crazy, I will always have a few GF's but I will not really love them.

 

He feels that way, and he may for a while or forever. Does it matter to you one way or another? I mean he wants out and you will never be able to make him stay if he really wants to go.

 

Have you done everything you could do to save the marriage? Or, will you have regrets either way?

 

Are you trying to take care of yourself? Where are you at right now, mentally?

I know why he wants out. He said he does not trust me. He said he does not believe I can change. He said he has not been happy for years.

 

I did hurt him badly. I recently told him many things I was secretly unhappy about. I also said many things I did not mean and made him very confused. Prior to that, I was already unhappy in general for years, and in turn made him unhappy.

 

For some time, I was in a life stage where I felt lost and depressed. Part of my unhappiness came from our relationship dynamics (lack of communication, loneliness, emotional withdrawal etc.). Part of my unhappiness came from lack of direction in career. I was a stay-at-home mother for a few years (after quitting a great job). I was not sure what career path I would take in future. I think I have been an emotional baggage to him for a long time. I am amazed that he stayed with me this long. He is very patient and easy to please. Because he has always been emotionally strong, I was not noticing the unhappiness growing in him.

 

Right now, I am trying to focus on career and kids while emotionally limping. I won't want to date myself now, why would he?

 

I am kind of glad he is not planning to date; I secretly hope he still has room for me in heart. But what if he just does not want to date anyone, including me? Then I would feel sorry that he is missing out relationships in life. I used to tell him if I die or get into a coma, he should find someone else to start a new relationship.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Rosemary101

[juniorrocha]

"I did hurt him badly."

"I think I have been an emotional baggage to him for a long time."

"I am amazed that he stayed with me this long. I won't want to date myself now, why would he?"

 

How do you expect to have the man back when he's used to years of unhappiness, lack of compassion and being with a woman who doesn't even love herself?

 

If you do want to try to reconcile, then you have to find where your problems are and fix them. You know you have them. Find them > fix them > try to get your man back, if that's what you really want. You said yourself you were unhappy, too.

 

If it's all too recent, give it more time. Let the dust settle. I only started to see the break up of my relationship with clear eyes about 2 months and a half after it was over. And it wasn't even a marriage, so take your time to become someone better. You may also realize that you're better without him.

 

I'm also all for reconciliation, but when it comes down to a couple that's been unhappy for years, then it's clear major and deeper changes are needed.

 

And to answer your question: my mother broke up with my father 14 years ago, she was 49 at the time. I highly doubt she even kissed a man after that, let alone having sex or anything. She never, ever, brought another man home. Never spoke about them to anyone. Never saw her flirting or anything. In fact, she said herself that my father was the last one and that she was done. I find it very sad, sometimes I try to encourage her because you gotta move past your fears sometime, but she's all against it.

 

But anyway, you never know. Don't expect it to be serious. Or it could be now. But you know, people change, circumstances change, so yeah, you can't really know that.

Edited September 5, 2016 by juniorrocha