Emotionally Drained

[Nono1]

Hello. Ive been married for 2 years but been together with my husband for 8. Two months ago he told me that he was not happy with me. I had recently quit my job as he insisted because my workplace was stressful. I had known for awhile that our sexual relationship was bland and had tried to spice it up. I thought we were good. We were talking about having kids. He told me that the OW he had talked to he had developed feelinhs for and may love her. He told me that they have had sex. He had a long discussion about the OW and our relationship. We have started to spice up the relationship but he still insists on talking still to her. He says that he didnt plan on this but that he has to take it one day at a time. He doesnt know who he wants more. He says that he will give the one he doesnt want to be with a months notice. I cant get mad at him because I still do want to work it out and I would lose to the OW. But now he tells me that since I bottle my feelings, he's leaning closer to her. At this point, we have debts and I have no family near. I dont have a great paying job at the moment and I cant afford my rent if he was to leave. He makes the bulk of our income. Is this fair? I know that I had gotten comfortable in our marriage and I am not a very sexual person but is this fair to me? The OW knows about me and she doesn't care even though he lied to her for two months.

[amaysngrace]

He sounds like a bad husband. He's making it seem like you and his OW are in a contest and he is the prize.

 

He's no prize sweetie. He sounds selfish and controlling. If he's cheating it's his fault....not yours.

[Mr Blunt]

Nono1

You are allowing yourself to become a door mat and have your self-worth ground down to dust.

 

Of course you are in a tough spot financially and emotionally. My advice? NEVER EVER allow someone to treat you like a dirty dish rag!

You have a choice. You can keep allowing your husband to walk all over you so that you do not even have any respect for yourself or you can face your hardships with your finances and emotions and get better in time. If you choose the first one then you will be permanently damaged and you will wind up not being much good to yourself or anyone else.

 

Leave him now! Go back to your parents or anyone else that is a relative or good friend. You do not have any good options right now so take the option that will give you a chance to be much better.

 

You sound like a sweet woman but you are so very naïve!!!.... Stop with the questions about what is fair! …The sooner you realize that life is not fair at all and people will walk all over you the sooner you will be able to concentrate on a plan for yourself and get better.

 

I know that your feelings are hurt to the bone but your survival has very little to do with feeling right now. Your survival depends on you getting as much help as you can from all sources and then YOU DOING IT!!!!.......Nothing else is going to get you better except your positive actions for yourself!

 

Thousands of women have faced your situation and worse and endured the pain as they built themselves back up and SO CAN YOU! Some of those women had children and that makes it even harder but they prevailed and salvaged their self-worth and dignity!

 

 

DO NOT LOOK to your husband to fix you. He has got himself in an emotion trap and is very selfish without much integrity. In other words he is a weakling that is only looking out only for himself. You becoming independant of him and stronger may jolt him out of his degraded character. He may even want to come back to you when you are a stronger woman. He will never choose you because you are now a compromiser that is begging him to accept you.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[Mr. Lucky]

I cant get mad at him because I still do want to work it out and I would lose to the OW.

 

Were you to "win", would seem the prize would be a husband doesn't really want to be with you. You'd forever live with knowing you were his second choice, he's only there because things didn't work out with her.

 

Is that what you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Were you to "win", would seem the prize would be a husband doesn't really want to be with you. You'd forever live with knowing you were his second choice, he's only there because things didn't work out with her.

 

Is that what you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As usual, there are two women fighting over the prize.

 

Honey, this will change when you realize that YOU are the prize.

[merrmeade]

Two years into your marriage and you found out everything, including the way he thinks and feels about you. You have no idea - but I hope realize later - that this fact (that you know and have a choice) is what will save you. Two years means you're not that old I suppose. Even if you're not in early adulthood, you're still just beginning your marriage, job, life. You can change so that this never happens to you again.

 

Fair is not a question as others have said. You'll never get recompense for what's unfair here, so forget that and push yourself through the painful realizations that will empower you in the end. Possibilities for a fulfilling marriage, true love, etc. with this man are over. You just need to get over it and get away so you can regroup and start over. YOU need to re-evaluate what's important in your life and never stop doing that. You'll get a lot of advice here for all of this.

 

I didn't find out for 4 decades that my husband cheated on me during the first two years of our marriage - just like you. When he did confess, I gradually realized that he was telling it exactly as he'd thought about it as a young man, which was like this: Got involved with OW in grad school, was trying to decide whether to divorce me but then realized she was two-timing him. So 'they' ended and I never found out until much later.

 

But you see the similarities? My H also saw it as his choice - me or her - and never absorbed the contradiction in his reaction to her 'betrayal' of him but also never considered telling me. Regardless, IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM and his wonderfulness - as in your case - no question that he had the right to choose.

 

You have the opportunity here to change the course of your life. This is much bigger than your husband's petty conceits and infidelity. The question here should be how to get out of the situation with a foot up to your next goal. If you have a lousy job, why not get into a new field, go back to school, increase your choices? If you must look at it in terms of marital happiness, this is also your best avenue. At any rate, I hope you make this about YOU - not him - and make him realize what a mistake he made. But by then, you'll have moved on and won't care. Becoming empowered, confident and successful will also increase your sexual libido - guaranteed!

 

But you do not want him back before that and he will not take you seriously anyway. His actions have already disrespected and further demeaned you to the point of return. Give him his OW; it will save your life.

[goodyblue]

Well, once, years ago, I was OW. I married my affair partner and we are on a good place. The thing I wanted to share is that at the time of the affair NEITHER OF US care about his ex wife! We weren't having great sex, going to fancy dinners, taking expensive vacations and worrying about her.

 

I feel bad now, so does my h but we didn't at the time, we felt justified. His wife hated sex, is a drunk, etc. You have to worry about YOU right now. Screw them. Do what you must to be okay financially and then emotionally after that. You need to stop begging and get angry. You are worth more than this.

[ChickiePops]

Wow, what an awesome situation for your husband. He gets to have two women openly fighting over him, upping the game in the bedroom, stroking his ego.

 

This is absolutely disgusting. Why are you letting this nutless wonder treat you this way? Make the choice for him and kick his ass to the curb.

[understand50]

Hello. Ive been married for 2 years but been together with my husband for 8. Two months ago he told me that he was not happy with me. I had recently quit my job as he insisted because my workplace was stressful. I had known for awhile that our sexual relationship was bland and had tried to spice it up. I thought we were good. We were talking about having kids. He told me that the OW he had talked to he had developed feelinhs for and may love her. He told me that they have had sex. He had a long discussion about the OW and our relationship. We have started to spice up the relationship but he still insists on talking still to her. He says that he didnt plan on this but that he has to take it one day at a time. He doesnt know who he wants more. He says that he will give the one he doesnt want to be with a months notice. I cant get mad at him because I still do want to work it out and I would lose to the OW. But now he tells me that since I bottle my feelings, he's leaning closer to her. At this point, we have debts and I have no family near. I dont have a great paying job at the moment and I cant afford my rent if he was to leave. He makes the bulk of our income. Is this fair? I know that I had gotten comfortable in our marriage and I am not a very sexual person but is this fair to me? The OW knows about me and she doesn't care even though he lied to her for two months.

 

Nono1,

 

You are not going to want to hear this, but for your own self worth, I recommend that you tell your husband that he goes full non-contact with his AP, and that if he does not work very hard to make amends, and show true remorse, the marriage is over.

 

At this point you do not have a loving marriage, but a contest for the attention of a self center, immature "boy". I will not give him the title of "man" because by his actions he has show he is not. You need to recognize this as well.

 

If you "win" this time, that we be others, as I am sure, he will find you "unworthy" and "unlovable" again, and there will be another, and another for you to compete with. This is not what marriage is for. I am sure, that your family can help, if you would ask them. Maybe, by them being so far away, it would knock some sense into him,as you would be gone with his child.

 

I fall, and still do, from time to time out of love with my wife. I wait or WORK, to bring back the passion, when this happens. This is the main secret of a LONG and loving marriage. Your "boy" does not understand this, hence does not deserve you, or his family. What he is doing is just plain evil. Do not put up with it. Others have gone trough this and survived, and so will you. You are stronger then you think, stand up for your self, do not participate in this.

 

BTW, I tend to be in the "reconciliation" camp, but there is nothing here that suggests that he wants to reconcile with you, just do as he pleases, and force you to play along. When you are ready, that are things you can do, and we are here to help. I can say if you were my sister, or daughter, he would be looking at a knuckle sandwich, as I moved you out. Remember, your Dad, your bothers, they can help in this regard.

 

I wish you and your child the best of luck, and strength of mind.

[goodyblue]

Nono1,

 

You are not going to want to hear this, but for your own self worth, I recommend that you tell your husband that he goes full non-contact with his AP, and that if he does not work very hard to make amends, and show true remorse, the marriage is over.

 

At this point you do not have a loving marriage, but a contest for the attention of a self center, immature "boy". I will not give him the title of "man" because by his actions he has show he is not. You need to recognize this as well.

 

If you "win" this time, that we be others, as I am sure, he will find you "unworthy" and "unlovable" again, and there will be another, and another for you to compete with. This is not what marriage is for. I am sure, that your family can help, if you would ask them. Maybe, by them being so far away, it would knock some sense into him,as you would be gone with his child.

 

I fall, and still do, from time to time out of love with my wife. I wait or WORK, to bring back the passion, when this happens. This is the main secret of a LONG and loving marriage. Your "boy" does not understand this, hence does not deserve you, or his family. What he is doing is just plain evil. Do not put up with it. Others have gone trough this and survived, and so will you. You are stronger then you think, stand up for your self, do not participate in this.

 

BTW, I tend to be in the "reconciliation" camp, but there is nothing here that suggests that he wants to reconcile with you, just do as he pleases, and force you to play along. When you are ready, that are things you can do, and we are here to help. I can say if you were my sister, or daughter, he would be looking at a knuckle sandwich, as I moved you out. Remember, your Dad, your bothers, they can help in this regard.

 

I wish you and your child the best of luck, and strength of mind.

 

There are no kids involved.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Hello. Ive been married for 2 years but been together with my husband for 8. Two months ago he told me that he was not happy with me. I had recently quit my job as he insisted because my workplace was stressful. I had known for awhile that our sexual relationship was bland and had tried to spice it up. I thought we were good. We were talking about having kids. He told me that the OW he had talked to he had developed feelinhs for and may love her. He told me that they have had sex. He had a long discussion about the OW and our relationship. We have started to spice up the relationship but he still insists on talking still to her. He says that he didnt plan on this but that he has to take it one day at a time. He doesnt know who he wants more. He says that he will give the one he doesnt want to be with a months notice. I cant get mad at him because I still do want to work it out and I would lose to the OW. But now he tells me that since I bottle my feelings, he's leaning closer to her. At this point, we have debts and I have no family near. I dont have a great paying job at the moment and I cant afford my rent if he was to leave. He makes the bulk of our income. Is this fair? I know that I had gotten comfortable in our marriage and I am not a very sexual person but is this fair to me? The OW knows about me and she doesn't care even though he lied to her for two months.

 

 

Please do excuse me, but, JUST WHO THE FU** DOES THIS TW** THINK HE IS?!?!

 

Really, I'm so cross for you!

 

I'd be giving him notice....to eff off and never come back! A months notice???

 

For goodness sake, you've no children, what are you waiting for?

 

I do get the financial difficulties, but is sitting in this mire of horse manure really the answer to all that dreadful disrespect??

 

I really do hope you find an alternative to it.

 

Wishing you strength.

 

Cuckoo

Edited September 4, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo

[Scarlett94]

I'm a bs. If my husband EVER said he was trying to choose between me and another woman and that he would give a months notice to the "loser" I can assure you that I would kick his ass out so fast his head would spin! I don't think I've ever read something so disrespectful in my life.

[Future_Cat_Lady]

Your husband seems to have an unhealthy view point of females.

Why would anyone ask their significant other to quit providing a source of income, unless they feel emasculated or some how not a "manly" man? His views of women are degrading for you and for the other woman, and could lead to physical alterations.

I would divorce his arse in a second and be getting alimony.

Sadly, this is only my opinion so only you can truly drop him and move on with your life. Either way, get in contact with a divorce attorney and/or a family counselor.

[WilyWill]

Your husband has acted like a complete jerk. I don't know to what extent you're interested in reconciling with him, or if he's even worth it.

 

But let me try to put you into his mindset for a second (I'm a man). You say you're not a sexual person. This is a very tough thing for most men to deal with. Part of his identity is wrapped up in how desirable he is to you. Maybe you rejected his advances a few times or there were certain lines you didn't want to cross in the bedroom. He likely interpreted this as a rejection of him, personally, and took it really hard. It cut him really deep, but he probably didn't say anything--just got grumpy and distant.

 

Along comes this OW who is attracted to him. This makes him feel like a man again. He's eager to spend time with her to get more of the validation she provides. You try to spice things up for him, but maybe it feels "forced" to him--like you're still not really interested in him and you're just going through the motions.

 

Rightly or wrongly, this might be how he's felt for a while. In any case, he handled it the wrong way. You should strongly consider the 180 and let him know you're not interested in being plan B.

 

If you end up divorcing and decide to look for a new mate, you should consider looking for someone who, like you, is not very sexual. This might be a difficult quality to find in a man, however, and you might find that you're not even attracted to men like this. In any case, I hope you end up in a happy long-term relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello. Ive been married for 2 years but been together with my husband for 8. Two months ago he told me that he was not happy with me. I had recently quit my job as he insisted because my workplace was stressful. I had known for awhile that our sexual relationship was bland and had tried to spice it up. I thought we were good. We were talking about having kids. He told me that the OW he had talked to he had developed feelinhs for and may love her. He told me that they have had sex. He had a long discussion about the OW and our relationship. We have started to spice up the relationship but he still insists on talking still to her. He says that he didnt plan on this but that he has to take it one day at a time. He doesnt know who he wants more. He says that he will give the one he doesnt want to be with a months notice. I cant get mad at him because I still do want to work it out and I would lose to the OW. But now he tells me that since I bottle my feelings, he's leaning closer to her. At this point, we have debts and I have no family near. I dont have a great paying job at the moment and I cant afford my rent if he was to leave. He makes the bulk of our income. Is this fair? I know that I had gotten comfortable in our marriage and I am not a very sexual person but is this fair to me? The OW knows about me and she doesn't care even though he lied to her for two months.

 

OMG. Your husband is a total penis!

[aileD]

Sweetie. Please listen to me.

 

Read my story. I am just recently out of the same situation.

 

I stayed, because we have children, we have been together 23 years and there are some other long standing things that made me hold on.

 

But it was hell. It still is hell, we are recovering but it's not easy and it's not going to be easy for a long time.

 

If I had gone through this same situation at 2 years into our marriage with no children, I would have left.

 

You need to leave. He doesn't respect you now and it's not going to get better later.

[merrmeade]

If I had gone through this same situation at 2 years into our marriage with no children, I would have left.

 

You need to leave. He doesn't respect you now and it's not going to get better later.

this we have in common - except that OP has a choice.

[Lowrider93]

Can you trust him to give you a commitment for life?, he has already broken his marriage vows.

 

He's just useing this time to develop his relationship with OW.

 

Don't wait for his decision, cut him loose, eliminate his option.

 

Peace