sunshinegirl Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Hi everyone, My breakup happened about 5 months ago and I am starting to 'get back out there' and meet some new people. I'm definitely not rushing and definitely not wanting to do the rebound thing. But lately I've gone out on a couple of dates and haven't cried upon returning home, which I take as a good sign. I've actually met someone now who might have some potential, but I feel skittish, nervous, unsure of how I feel about it/him, and mountains of memories of my ex are clouding the picture. Of course, all of those memories are of how wonderful, charming, confident, winsome, funny--in short, PERFECT!--my ex was at the start of our relationship when he was pursuing me hard. This new guy, unfortunately, is never going to be able to match that image in my mind. So what's the secret to not comparing new people to the old? Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 So what's the secret to not comparing new people to the old? TIME! It's clear you're still not 100% over your ex. Even though you're getting out and dating don't take anyone serious or think someone might be the 'right material', because in the end, you won't be happy. The only way you'll stop comparing is if you realize everyone different, and think about it, if you're ex was so great, he wouldn't be an ex. You'll find someone, but with time. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by Opium TIME! Exactly. In addition, your ex has the advantage of the memories you created together and the bond you formed. Of course new people don't have that straight away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 Thanks for responding. Fair points, both. I just feel frustrated that I am still having a hard time shoving the ex off his pedastal. We only knew each other / dated for 6 months and I'm now a solid 5 months into the breakup, pretty much NC the whole time. I know there are no timelines on healing from a breakup, but come on! I don't want to be 'stuck'. I don't want to feel like my ex was the best thing I ever had...I don't want to feel like no one will be as good (or better!). So maybe my real question is more about healing. Is there anything else I can do to hustle this little thing called healing along? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Is there anything else I can do to hustle this little thing called healing along? Keep reminding yourself that somewhere out there is a guy who will think you are the cat's pajamas, will treat you as such, and will want to keep you in his life. Focus on the reasons that it didn't work out with this last guy, and tell yourself that you will not settle for anything less than you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 Am I allowed to work out "why things didn't work out" here? --He seemed to like the chase better than the catch --He's very out of touch with his emotions. Seemed to keep his distance emotionally. Examples: --highest compliment to me was "you're the s***" --called me his "lady friend" (not girlfriend) --said "I'm in it to win it" (nothing about "us"...all about "him") (what, is this a competition?) --claimed he wasn't thinking anything at all after a particularly intimate moment together, even though he wanted to know what I was thinking in that moment --told me to pray for us to be a "good team together, with good communication" but then left the team emotionally without telling me --hadn't had a girlfriend for 4-5 years before me --in describing why prior relationships didn't work, it always seemed to be because of something wrong or incompatible on the woman's side --he let me move to his city believing we had a real future together, when really his feelings were already starting to change --He strung me along for a month --He was avoidant when we really needed to talk about "us" and I gave him multiple openings to do so So....this listing stuff out should be helping, right? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl So....this listing stuff out should be helping, right? You're right, no guy can compare to the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You're right, no guy can compare to the ex. exactly WESTERNXR...especially if he had a 10" rod that was as thick as a beer can Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale exactly WESTERNXR...especially if he had a 10" rod that was as thick as a beer can Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl So....this listing stuff out should be helping, right? I don't think that particular list would necessarily help. It just makes him sound like a user - which, by definition, encourages you to feel used. Imagine you're him for a few minutes. What personal failings do you think he'd be most likely to secretly feel insecure or embarrassed about? These are the things you should include in your next list. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Um The secret to not comparing your new guy with your old guy is to get over your old guy Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 your ex-loser sounds a lot like my ex-loser. what should make you feel better is what jen said before, there is someone out there who you will like better and will treat you the way you should be treated. You should be thrilled that this relationship didn't work out, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who thinks "you're the ****"?!?! He sounds immature to me and even though it sucks now, you'll be better off in the long run. sweetie, you've got to kiss a lot, and i mean a lot, of frogs before you find your prince. just keep putting yourself out there and you're bound to meet someone who will make you think "ex" who? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 Lindya: thanks for this perspective. Now that I think about it, my ex didn't share much of his 'interior life' with me so I am actually not very sure where his insecurities / embarrassments lie. It almost seems like he was projecting a confident persona 24/7 to make sure nobody could get to the real him. And...what? Possibly reject him? Who knows. He probably SHOULD be embarrassed about his gambling habits, esp. for a Christian guy. Keep in mind that I have nothing against gambling per se, but he (by his own admission) LOVES gambling. Is obsessed with it. In January one night he spent 17 hours straight playing poker in Vegas. JS17: it's so hard to keep thinking of him as my ex-loser. What I listed there was the sum total of the 'bad stuff' I could think of. I really thought I had won the lottery when we met! Can you believe he's 34? I guess at the end of the day we just had a helluva lot of fun together and had a helluva lot of chemistry, but we didn't have much depth to us. So thank you for the kick in the pants, the reminder that my "prince" is still in my future--not my recent past! FolderWife: yep, of course I need to get over him. The simplest thing to say, the hardest thing to do! Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 wait, ok, raise your hand if you've ever gone into a relationship NOT thinking that you won the lottery or NOT had fun and chemistry.....you'll find someone else, it's all about who works for you at the time and place that you're at. I may not understand men but I've been through a tough break up or two. I've had a lot of good advice and some bad advice thrown at me. No matter what anyone says, it's going to suck and hurt for a while but you will get over it, everyone does and you're no exception. The key is to just go with it, let it hurt, get angry, find an outlet, forgive him and move on. And it always helps when you find the next great guy so when you're ready, put yourself out there again....you'll probably find a few jerks and then a good one and he'll make you forget about your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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