How long is the longest you went NC before he came back?

[BeingStrong]

I'm new here. Just wanted to see what the longest time you and your MM went no contact before he came back? I am going on 6 months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

What doesn't seem to be getting any better?

[BeingStrong]

My missing him. Grieving the loss of him in my life is what seems to not be getting any better.

[eye of the storm]

It's because you truely haven't let go. Look at your original post you asked how long till he comes back. NC is meant to be a tool to help you move on, not as a tool to bring the MM back into line.

 

You have spent the last six months hanging on and waiting. Stop clinging to a weight that does nothing for you except stunt you.

 

Actively focus on new things. Develop routines that nourish you. Rebuild or create support structures that are positive.

 

Make the next six months about you and a better life.

[Satu]

Are you really doing NC to help you to grieve and get over him, or are you doing NC whilst you wait and hope for him to come back?

 

What else are you doing to help yourself?

 

In itself, NC doesn't heal anything.

 

It isn't a remedy.

 

But it does do 2 things:

 

 

1. It prevents you getting hurt again by the ex.

 

2. It prevents you being distracted by the ex, whilst you get on with your healing.

 

 

That's all it is, and all it does.

 

 

So other healing methods have to be applied: counselling, journalling, etc.

 

Six months isn't a very long time. I'd be pleasantly surprised if you'd fully moved on after 6 months. Not many people do, or can.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Satu

[BeingStrong]

Thank you for the replies. I initially proposed NC to truly heal both of us and so we both could move on. I guess I didn't realize how much I would be hurting / grieving and how much I would miss him. Honestly, a part of me truly wants to move forward with no contact. But realizing how much it hurts and how much I miss having him be a part of my life, I am privately holding onto a small amount of hope that he misses me too and will contact me. But I know that nothing good would come from that. It just hurts.

[BeingStrong]

I have developed new hobbies, started exercising, work is going well. I just need to let go of him completely. Easy to know in my head...hard to do in my heart.

[imperfectangel]

To answer your question just over two months I wish he'd stayed away now. If your situation is the same ie one of you is married it isn't going to work

[Ahurtgirl]

During the 4.5 years my AP and I were together, we would go NC by choice when either one of us was feeling too close or if he became worried his wife was getting suspicious. Usually it would last at longest 3 days and he would contact me and say he missed me and we'd be back together. I am now going on NC for the second full week and this time it is final so I think you have to put in your mind that the relationship is finished and that you will never speak to him again in your entire life. Even though my AP ended our affair badly do to his reaction to my call to his wife, it was actually a blessing in disguise as I don't have to worry about him ever trying to contact me again. We would have struggled back and forth with contacting each other if it would have ended any other way. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve your loss of him in your life. Forgive yourself and him for all the happened and let go. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but the reality is, it really is for the best.

 

May I ask the reasons you went no contact? Did something happen between the two of you, or a D-day, or what brought the relationship to an end?

[Satu]

I have developed new hobbies, started exercising, work is going well. I just need to let go of him completely. Easy to know in my head...hard to do in my heart.

 

In that case, you're really doing quite well.

 

Six months has been enough for you to make that progress, but not enough to fully heal.

 

You just have to keep going; looking for ways to help yourself heal and grow.

 

Posting here can be very helpful.

 

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Carry on 'debriefing' yourself and expressing your thoughts and feelings.

 

Telling your story is an important part of the healing process. Its usually necessary to tell the story a few times over, as new insights and realisations come to mind.

 

Carry on telling your story until there are no more realisations and insights to be found in it."

 

Once again, welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Satu

[lemondrop21]

I just started with the completely blocking everywhere style of NC because I realized how dangerous it is to have any semblance of hope. And he hurt me so badly that I no longer have any desire to have hope in "this" ever "working."

 

When there wasn't blocking involved then I think the longest with literally no contact was five weeks or so.

 

I bet if you think over the past six months you are doing better than you realize because it's hard not to at least start healing at some point. If you're truly just as badly off, or falling into self destructive behaviors, maybe some counseling could be in order?

 

Good luck, the first really toxic relationship that I had, that ended suddenly and coldly, took me almost a year to get over because I got depressed afterward. It doesn't mean you're failing, these are normal human emotions. Take good care of yourself.

[Satu]

Realising that my toxic relationship really was permanently over, hit me like a freight train and left me stunned for months, but that was the exact moment when the true healing started.

 

I had to rebuild myself from the bottom up.

 

The plus point is that I like and trust the person I have become.

 

It took me a little less than 2 years to heal, but I don't regret a moment of it.

 

Alls well that ends well.

[Lovetoohard]

I never really went NC, but I simply got to a point where I had no desire to contact him. We worked together so I did have to maintain minimal, work related contact after I ended it. But after my last day on the job, he called a week or so later, every week for another 3 or so weeks but I ignored the calls. He waited for a couple of months before he called again. And since then, it's been almost a year now of him calling every few weeks. I think I faltered a couple of times by initiating contact and then realizing it's the equivalent of knowingly sticking your hand on a hot stove, it made me want to never contact him. But with that exception, it's always him calling. Sometimes i'm annoyed by his calls, other times I am nonchalant and yet other times, I ignore. He recently made an unexpected appearance where I live, in an area where he had no business being, and I saw him in his car, which was odd and pathetic if you ask me. I'm not sure what his reasons are, nor do I care. I just know i've regained control and have the upper-hand, which is frankly, a really nice feeling.

 

Throughout a year, I have moved on and am dating a wonderful single man, my career is on the right trajectory, and I am focused on my needs and wants in life. So for me, NC didn't happen as it does for most people - I simply lost the desire to let him be a part of my life that impacted me in any way, and in doing so, I have taken control of my life. It feels great to be back in control. And yes, I do have days where thoughts like yours cross my mind, but it's just part of the process.

 

You have made a lot of progress in 6 months even though you may not feel like it at times. Just ride out the bad days that you cycle through, because they will happen, but they will happen less frequently as time goes on. Just remind yourself that being with him, even if he were to ever come back, would be a million times worse than being without him. You can do this!

Edited September 4, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Adoraxx]

The longest silent treatment that I got, was 7 months. After that he sort of reappeared but he could as well have stayed gone because he wasn't nice at all. And now I'm going to move just so he won't be able to keep toying with me

[BeingStrong]

In that case, you're really doing quite well.

 

Six months has been enough for you to make that progress, but not enough to fully heal.

 

You just have to keep going; looking for ways to help yourself heal and grow.

 

Posting here can be very helpful.

 

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Carry on 'debriefing' yourself and expressing your thoughts and feelings.

 

Telling your story is an important part of the healing process. Its usually necessary to tell the story a few times over, as new insights and realisations come to mind.

 

Carry on telling your story until there are no more realisations and insights to be found in it."

 

Once again, welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for this! It is very helpful.

[BeingStrong]

During the 4.5 years my AP and I were together, we would go NC by choice when either one of us was feeling too close or if he became worried his wife was getting suspicious. Usually it would last at longest 3 days and he would contact me and say he missed me and we'd be back together. I am now going on NC for the second full week and this time it is final so I think you have to put in your mind that the relationship is finished and that you will never speak to him again in your entire life. Even though my AP ended our affair badly do to his reaction to my call to his wife, it was actually a blessing in disguise as I don't have to worry about him ever trying to contact me again. We would have struggled back and forth with contacting each other if it would have ended any other way. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve your loss of him in your life. Forgive yourself and him for all the happened and let go. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but the reality is, it really is for the best.

 

May I ask the reasons you went no contact? Did something happen between the two of you, or a D-day, or what brought the relationship to an end?

 

 

DDay had already happened months before and he was ready to leave his wife. She knew about me and he was all ready to tell the kids they were divorcing. I am also married and I was just feeling too guilty and all of the emotions with us breaking off our marriages was too much for me. I felt like I was having a breakdown so the easiest thing for me to do was push him away. I told him that I won't be contacting him anymore and he needs to make it work with his wife for his children's sake. I believe it really hurt him as we had started making the moves to be together. I was also fearful of trusting him after knowing what we had done. After I told him that I've never heard from him since except for once in Mother's Day (very generic text). I know he's hurt and I feel guilty for that also. The no contact happened when we were on good terms and both still loved each other very much. I just couldn't pull the trigger on tearing up our kids lives. I never thought I would miss him this badly.

 

I saw a recent pic of him and he has gained lots of weight, his eyes are puffy and have huge circles under them and he just looks unrecognizable.

 

Thank you for all the advice given here from each of you. I really appreciate it. I'm ready to move on. I just seem to be stuck right now.

Edited September 5, 2016 by BeingStrong

[BeingStrong]

I just started with the completely blocking everywhere style of NC because I realized how dangerous it is to have any semblance of hope. And he hurt me so badly that I no longer have any desire to have hope in "this" ever "working."

 

When there wasn't blocking involved then I think the longest with literally no contact was five weeks or so.

 

I bet if you think over the past six months you are doing better than you realize because it's hard not to at least start healing at some point. If you're truly just as badly off, or falling into self destructive behaviors, maybe some counseling could be in order?

 

Good luck, the first really toxic relationship that I had, that ended suddenly and coldly, took me almost a year to get over because I got depressed afterward. It doesn't mean you're failing, these are normal human emotions. Take good care of yourself.

 

Thank you! I needed to hear this.

[Chica80]

The longest I have gone a week and a half. The longest was two weeks he broke that.

[WakingUp]

It used to always be nine days. It was him who always came back. There were a couple of six week breaks.

 

It has been a year NC. And he is trying to come back.

 

The affair went on for over seven years. We are all getting older, and more ruined by the whole thing.

 

I feel physically ill. It is such a mind F***.

 

Just... LET GO.

[winterkeep]

About 6 weeks. He has a fairly typical pattern now which seems to be

1-suspect that Winter is enjoying her life and is happy

2-text her with a benign reason that needs a response (work etc)

3-if that gets a response start being more conversational

4-if it doesn't (or even if it does) send nostalgic messages and try to call

5-if that doesn't work become abusive

6-wait a period if time and start again

 

There's often some self pitying stuff in there I.e. Can I just ask you something? Am I a good person? (no my little psychopath you are not)

 

I wish he would leave me alone, if I block him he uses a different number. Seriously, be glad that exMM is leaving you alone it is the kindest, most respectful thing he can do.

[Chica80]

About 6 weeks. He has a fairly typical pattern now which seems to be

1-suspect that Winter is enjoying her life and is happy

2-text her with a benign reason that needs a response (work etc)

3-if that gets a response start being more conversational

4-if it doesn't (or even if it does) send nostalgic messages and try to call

5-if that doesn't work become abusive

6-wait a period if time and start again

 

There's often some self pitying stuff in there I.e. Can I just ask you something? Am I a good person? (no my little psychopath you are not)

 

I wish he would leave me alone, if I block him he uses a different number. Seriously, be glad that exMM is leaving you alone it is the kindest, most respectful thing he can do.

 

 

The bold is exactly how I feel.....when I'm starting to get clear headed, happier pull away...he finds a way to pull me back in....and when I say so he says no....that wasn't my intention...ugh

[whatatangledweb]

When D day happened, my husband went NC. His OW tried to contact him several ways up to just after a year of it. She was blocked by him from any new way she tried. He never broke NC, never read any of her messages sent after NC started. It has been just over 5 years. I told him on D day if that was what he wanted to get out. If he stayed for a chance then total NC, any breaking of it and divorce would be filed.

 

I think if they break NC then they didn't want to go NC in the first place. JMO