How to cope with the stone cold silence?

[Calmandfocused]

Well, things are now moving forward. Family (including in laws) have been informed of the impending divorce but trouble is he refuses to leave the house until settlement is reached. I understand this but in the meantime it's a nightmare.

 

The problem? We are living in silence and I mean complete silence. To be honest it's the lesser of the 2 evils as the last time we communicated it resulted in conflict which went on for 5 hours into early hours of the morning.

 

What's the answer? I don't really want to communicate with him at all and would be fine if we were already living apart but we're not. Anything that needs to be said is done by text/ note to avoid confrontation.

 

It sounds very childish but honestly I'm afraid to speak to him at all and just behave as if he's not there ( and vice versa). My 2 children are picking up something's not quite right.

 

Any advice please? Anyone experienced silence/ being ignored whilst in the same house? What did you do?

[Satu]

It's definitely not a good thing.

 

As adults, you should be able to communicate in a civil way, especially in front of your kids.

 

So one of you, or perhaps both of you, aren't trying.

 

You're letting the kids down, and setting a very bad example for them to carry forward in their lives.

 

The grownups have to behave like grownups.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

 

Take care.

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks satu.

 

I fully agree with you. You make good points.

 

It's because I don't want to argue in front of the children that I'm engaging in this "game" with him so to speak.

 

Any ideas how I can approach the situation? Anything I say at all is responded to with aggression/ nasty undertones.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hope it's all over soon. Living like this is misery.

[Lowrider93]

Fighting in front of the children is not going to work either, if you can choose the right time to attempt a conversation, that might be better.

 

His attitude is not likely to change, pick your battles best you can.

[Satu]

Thanks satu.

 

I fully agree with you. You make good points.

 

It's because I don't want to argue in front of the children that I'm engaging in this "game" with him so to speak.

 

Any ideas how I can approach the situation? Anything I say at all is responded to with aggression/ nasty undertones.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hope it's all over soon. Living like this is misery.

 

One or both of you are punishing the other with The Silent Treatment, which is actually a form of emotional abuse.

 

If I were in your situation, I would tell him this:

 

"We need to be able to talk, because not talking is bad for the kids. So I'm going to speak to you in a civil and polite manner, whenever its necessary. Please respond to me in the same way."

 

Then go about your business, and communicate in a civil and polite manner.

 

If he does get a bit nasty, you just tell him, "We need to be civil and polite."

 

He'll get the message.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Satu

[Mr. Lucky]

You're letting the kids down, and setting a very bad example for them to carry forward in their lives.

 

Agreed. Calmandfocused, you're setting up a situation that requires the kids to be more mature than the grown-ups.

 

As Satu said, talk to him, then simply start holding up your end of the bargain. I'd guess you're going to have to ignore many attempts on his part to provoke you. Towards the end with my ex-wife, I adopted the "count to 3" rule, never answered without taking several deep breaths...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jeff1690]

I have to agree that with kids present you need to keep it civil. What is your story? Has he given you any answers to you about what he has done and why? If not I know how tough it can be. My wife has literally given me not one answer to anything. I sit there dumbfounded sometimes thinking 23 years and I don't even get an explanation. Wanting answers is sometimes overwhelming. I am working on it and have made a plan and am sticking to it.

 

Vent here and ask questions. I have gotten a lot of great advice here that has helped me cope with this. Use your children as your rock. Propel yourself forward for them.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Calmandfocused actually posted originally back on February 15, 2016.

 

From what I gather, she has initiated the divorce --- and not to take sides --- but I can see why her husband would not want to talk in a normal, business-like manner. Kids or not, this guy is losing his Beloved Bride.

 

Once he is done grieving after a few months/years, then maybe, he can have a calm, cool conversation with his former Beloved Bride.

 

I'm guessing Calmandfocused has had a head-start in the "letting-go" process, and now the husband will need to play catch-up.

 

Again, I'm not looking to start any arguments here, but in order to give good opinions/suggestions, knowing the situation helps understand why the husband has gone silent.

 

If he talks -- the discussion turns to an argument -- because he is still holding onto his wife; so of course the conversation won't go well.

 

And if he doesn't talk, then he gets accused of emotional abuse. (I got accused of that often, and when I disagreed, then I got accused of being in denial. Thank God I can laugh about it now, but back then, it sure wasn't funny.)

 

My wife wanted to breakup our marriage, and wanted to talk about everything except marriage.

 

Guess what I wanted to talk about --- haha --- and so it was either go cold-stone-silent or begin to discuss my marriage. And that never ended well.

 

Back to the original question on what to do: Knowing how I felt as a husband losing my wife, I'd suggest Calmandfocused completely accepts that the husband is allowed to go stone-cold-silent, and then I'd suggest to not make eye contact with him, and I'd suggest doing your business via text/email as you are now doing.

Edited September 4, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks all

 

I've actually already taken your advice and said as much to him after I put the children to bed this evening. I was initially greeted with the stoney silence again but then he decided to open up to me a little.

 

In the "silence" he's been trying to reflect on all that's gone wrong but he struggles to understand why. I've said that it's too late to throw mud around in terms of who did/ said xyz. It's about the kids, only the kids and what's best for them. Honestly I couldn't give a fiddlers who gets this or that, I just want the children out of the toxic environment.

 

I've agreed to let him know child arrangements etc as we agreed he needs to be as involved with the children as possible.

 

It's all so very sad. There was/ is no OM/ OW. It's just about 2 people who shouldn't be together. Yes, Lancaster you are correct in your post on all accounts,

 

I have no answers as to why jeff. I never will. I just have to accept it didn't work out. Sometimes there are no answers and I don't think knowing why he chose to abandon me (emotionally) in our marriage will help me feel any better. It won't change my mind.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Calmandfocused

[desertfunguy]

I think we men are dim to our own emotions in some ways. Women are poor communicators when it comes to dealing with their husbands. When kids are involved, the stakes are high and so everyone walks on eggshells until it is too late.

 

Men are simple creatures and it seems like most women do not understand us. We need the following things to be eternally happy:

 

1. respect

2. honor

3. consistent affection

4. communication (mostly positive with a lot of affirmations

 

We all go to work and get beat-up all day and then come home tired. In the bad economy, everyone works more and plays less. Men emotionally abandon women as a self-defense mechanism because they are not feeling loved or appreciated. It does not mean it's true, it is just the perception.

 

Admittedly, this is hard to do year after year. Men get sideswiped by this, because for many of us, form our perspective, if you simply started doing those four things in a deliberate effort, within a day or two, we would be happy and communicative again.

 

Many of us need to hear "good job" when we remember to lift the toilet seat. This does not match up well with menopause, which is why there are so many divorces at a certain age level. He might feel like, "he used to be your hero, and now he is not" and this kills his spirit, which for men is an internalized expression of silence and remorse, along with a feeling of failure.

 

I know that not all men are the same, but this is how many are. Good luck with what you are going through. I hope things get better soon.

[Mittens]

 

Many of us need to hear "good job" when we remember to lift the toilet seat. This does not match up well with menopause, which is why there are so many divorces at a certain age level. .

 

You are ****ing kidding, right? A grown man has to be praised for something so ****ing simple like he's a toddler that's just learnt how to use a potty?

 

Nope. As a functioning adult woman, I expect the man in my life to also be a functioning adult. If the man was living on his own he'd still have to lift the bloody toilet seat. Unless he's a utter immature pig and pisses all over it...

 

And nice one, managing to throw in the menopause as a 'reason' for divorce. Just maybe there are so many divorces in the late 40s/early 50s is that by that point a woman has on average put up with 20 years of a man child's bull**** and can't do it any longer?

[Calmandfocused]

Mittens.

 

Thanks to you I've just been howling with laughter. That was so funny and it's good for me to recognise that I've still got a SOH throughout this. Desert- you wrote an excellent post and was very insightful. I'm sure my husband would agree with you apart from the toilet thing of course. They are good points for me to consider. Thank u

 

I've got from angry to tearful today. Such a roller coaster but I know that's perfectly normal