People are trying to forget my mom

[Steel seal]

When I was just little my beautiful, intelligent, loving mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was given six months, but she was so brave and strong that she lasted for 22.

 

When she died everything just got quiet. My dad and I kept to ourselves and leaned on each other. A few years later he started seeing his girlfriend. She's a nice lady, but everyone tries to replace my mom with her. Sometimes people even call her my mom and it makes me really angry. I always have people say that it must be so nice to have another girl around. It's okay, but I don't put much stock in it.

 

My dad even calls her babe. That's what he called my mom. That's probably the worst for me. So many times I want to scream at him don't call her that!!! I tried putting up a picture of my mom not too long ago and he told me to put it away. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

 

He always tells people I remind him of my mom, and it hurts him… excuse me?!?!?! She was a great woman if anything he should feel lucky I'm like her.

I want people to stop trying to forget my mom, especially my dad.

 

How do I tell them?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. She sounded like a great lady. And I completely understand why you feel like you do about what other people say. Out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

I assume that these people who say things are also people who you don't want to offend, so I will give you some phrases to help make them stop and think without alienating them.

 

>> Sometimes people even call her my mom and it makes me really angry<<

 

It's not at all appropriate that they call her your mom. Respond with something like "Her name is Jane. My mom is Karen" (I'm making up names here)

 

>>I always have people say that it must be so nice to have another girl around<<

 

You could say something like "It's nice to see dad happy again, but I really still miss my mom"

 

>>My dad even calls her babe. That's what he called my mom. That's probably the worst for me. So many times I want to scream at him don't call her that!!! I tried putting up a picture of my mom not too long ago and he told me to put it away. I have never been so hurt in all my life.<<

 

Have you told your dad that each time you hear him call her babe, it makes you feel X? Could you ask him to find another term for her?

 

With the picture of your mom, I think it's really disrespectful of him to not allow you to have a photo of your mother. As a compromise, will he be Ok with you having the photo in your bedroom? If not, try again with "I feel" sentences. "When you don't want me to have the photo, I feel like you're trying to take the last bit of my mom away"

 

>>He always tells people I remind him of my mom, and it hurts him… excuse me?!?!?! She was a great woman if anything he should feel lucky I'm like her. <<

 

Again, use "I feel....". "Dad, when you say that to me it breaks my heart. Mom was a great woman and I'm proud to be like her"

 

Thing is, while we can't tell people how to act, we can very much tell them how their actions make us feel. If you talk to people using the "I feel" statements (in an unaccusing manner) how they are hurting you, they are far more likely to change their ways.

[Steel seal]

I'm 16.

I tried to put her picture in my bathroom. He came in, looked at it, and said that I had to take it down because it might make someone uncomfortable. I told him that it's my bathroom and no one went in there anyway and he said "just do it." And walked away.

[basil67]

Big hugs to you. I really can't imagine how tough this is for you.

 

Have you got an aunt or uncle you can go to with this problem? Someone who can advocate on your behalf with your father?

 

Or what about talking with a school counsellor? Perhaps they can advocate for you.

[Steel seal]

Not really... I've tried to talk to a few people about it, and they say I'm overreacting. Or that I need to let him be happy.

 

I don't understand what his deal is. One time, I came home earlier than expected and all of the pictures of her were turned around. It was weird. I never said anything about it though.

[JewelD]

Your father is grieving as well. He's not trying to forget your mother, he's trying to learn how to live without her.

 

It's probably worth a chat to tell him how you feel about certain things, but don't look at him as the enemy. Look at him as a person who is hurting and trying to cope.

[GirlOnline]

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't think people will forget , maybe it's hard for them to talk about your mum at the past tense.

[ChickiePops]

I'm so so sorry Steel. I wasn't much older than you when I lost my mom so I get it.

 

I'm NOT defending anyone's actions, but people deal with grief in very different ways. I don't think your dad is intentionally trying to hurt you, I really don't. I think this is the easiest way for him to deal, and unfortunately he doesn't understand the effect it's having on you.

 

Could you say something to him? Is that an option?

[Toodaloo]

I can't say much here as I have been in your step mums position and I can see exactly where you are going...

 

I suggest that you talk to your Dad and Step mum calmly and sensibly and remember that they both have feelings too...

 

I very much doubt that anyone is trying to forget or disrespect your mother. But they are trying to move on and live.

[Toodaloo]

I don't understand what his deal is. One time, I came home earlier than expected and all of the pictures of her were turned around. It was weird. I never said anything about it though.

 

Because it is really hard having a dead person you didn't know watch you all the time... Its like having pictures of an ex wife up while you are kissing their husband its just "wrong".

 

I really am sorry for your loss but your father and step mother are here, now, and they both care for you.

 

Talk to them.

[GunslingerRoland]

You need to talk to your Dad... him telling you that you can't put a picture of your Mom up because it might offend his new girl is not appropriate in any way.

 

 

That said you can keep pictures of her in your wallet, online, in your locker at school and wherever else you want.

 

 

It sounds like it's been a long time and while it isn't true yet, maybe soon she will be your step Mom. Getting offended that people refer to her as your Mom isn't particularly useful, she is part of your life, she will never replace your Mom but that doesn't mean she isn't part of your family unit now.

 

 

Do you keep in touch with your Mom's side of the family? Staying close to them might be a good way to keep your memories of your Mom alive as well.

[Steel seal]

They aren't married and she doesn't live with us. I am very nice to her and respectful even when I don't want to be. If things in my bathroom on the other side of the house from where he is make her uncomfortable maybe she shouldn't go in there.

 

She is nice. She told me once she thinks my mom was beautiful, and she was.

 

There's not anyone I can talk to about it. My grandma is also dead, I don't know my grandpa, and my uncle lives on the other side of the country.

[GunslingerRoland]

Ok, so who is referring to this woman that doesn't even live with you as your mom? Are you talking about a server at a restaurant or someone you actually know well. I don't think most people would do that normally.

 

 

Also people being across country is a poor excuse for not talking to someone in 2016. And what about other family of your mom's, her cousins, aunts, uncles. This might be a good opportunity to expand your family since it sounds like you've lost touch with that whole side of your family.

[Steel seal]

Strangers have done it, friends of my dad's have done it, and my aunt did it once. She corrected herself, but it still hurt my feelings.

 

I think my uncle forgets about me... I'll text him and he won't text back or says he'll call and doesn't.

 

I've been dreaming about her a lot. I cry when I wake up because I miss her so much. I don't understand how this happened...

[Steel seal]

I told him that I was mad at him for not letting me put her picture in my bathroom. It's not like his girlfriend goes in there anyway and if it bugged her so much she could stay out.

 

He exploded on me. He said that we have tons of pictures up already and didn't need more. He said he only keeps them up because of me, and my mom would be embarrassed that I use her to make other people uncomfortable and push them away...

 

I don't think I do that. I'm sad that she might be embarrassed of me... I always ask myself what she would say before I do anything and now I think maybe I'm not doing that

 

He's never yelled at me like that before.

[anna121]

Hi Steel seal.

 

I'm concerned for you. Do you have a teacher at school who you trust? Or a friend with nice parents? It might be an idea to tell them what's going on. You may need someone to help you talk to your Dad about your feelings.

[Steel seal]

Not really... I think all my friends parents like me, but I try to keep to myself. That was the way it was after she died. My dad just sort of shut everyone out, and it was just us. I've sort of kept that up.

 

I'm so sad... he's never done that to me before. We're always a team.

[ChickiePops]

Not really... I think all my friends parents like me, but I try to keep to myself. That was the way it was after she died. My dad just sort of shut everyone out, and it was just us. I've sort of kept that up.

 

I'm so sad... he's never done that to me before. We're always a team.

 

Just remember that your dad isn't just your dad, he's a person too. This is his way of grieving.

 

It's wrong for him to do this to you and I'm not defending his actions at all, believe me. I'm just trying to help you see him as a man instead of just a dad. He's not doing this to hurt you, I promise. He's doing it to protect himself. But he should be protecting you too, and he's failing there.

 

It's wrong and he needs to know that. Isn't there anyone, any other adult you can trust to open up to? You really need to find one. Someone needs to explain it to your dad and unfortunately he cannot see it when you do it.

 

Sending hugs your way.

[Steel seal]

I thought about my aunt, but I think she'll end up taking his side. I know my uncle will because that's his baby brother... that's what he says when anyone says something about my dad.

 

I never see him grieving. He never acts sad, or talks about her ever. He'll say something once in awhile but mostly acts like she was never here.

[preraph]

I'm sorry the loss of your wonderful mother is still a source of pain for you. I have just a couple of things for you to think about.

 

First is that how long you mourn is not a measure of how much you loved someone. Second, always remember that if your mom is able to see you while she's in spirit, the very last thing she would want is for you to have prolonged pain over her death. Her very first wish would be that she wants you to get joy back into your life as soon as possible. Think how horrible a mother would feel to believe she caused her daughter ongoing pain and sorrow!

 

By moving on, your family isn't forgetting your mom. In a way, they are honoring her by trying to keep living and trying to be happy. Please don't put restrictions on your dad. Having someone to call "Babe" may just be one shred of something familiar he can retain after the great loss of losing his great love.

[turnera]

Honey, I want to tread very carefully here. I don't want to sway you in terms of men for your future. But I want you to understand that men are very different from women. They have different needs. In fact, I suggest you go to the library and get a book called His Needs Her Needs. It will explain a lot about how men and women differ in terms of what they expect in a marriage.

 

I'll give you a story. My mom was a nurse when she met my dad. She had gotten pregnant in college and moved across the country (that's what you did back in the 50s when you were pregnant and unwed. Anyway, he married her, took in her son (from another man), and then they had me. But my dad expected a woman like his mom - stay at home mom, catered to him, made him feel special, gave him everything he wanted...

 

By the time I was 12, and she was working nursing shifts (3pm-11pm), he was fed up. He expected 'his woman' to be there for him when he got off work, have dinner ready, take care of the rugrats, etc. Well, she wouldn't give up her passion - her career. So he cheated on her. She kicked him out. He ended up marrying the first woman willing to be that stay at home mom for him. Because that was what HE was seeking.

 

It's possible your dad just needs companionship. It's possible she's a witch and won't let him remember his former wife. It's possible that they are both good people who just need to move on from tragedy. It's possible your dad simply doesn't know how to deal with a teenager without her mother around.

 

Try to give them a break, for now. If they continue being uncaring or hateful or mean, come back and we'll help.

[bubbaganoosh]

You said your dads girlfriend is a nice lady. Have you ever thought about talking to her and asking her about your problem with your dad?

 

I got a feeling that she might understand your problem and she might tell your dad to lighten up. It's worth a shot.

[Steel seal]

He went out with her last night, so I went around the house and took down all the pictures with my mom in them. I went to bed before he came home. He came in and asked where her pictures were and I told him. When I woke up they were all back where they belong. So I don't know if I'm really the only reason they're up.

 

He made me breakfast too and that was really nice of him. He's been really nice today.

[ChickiePops]

He went out with her last night, so I went around the house and took down all the pictures with my mom in them. I went to bed before he came home. He came in and asked where her pictures were and I told him. When I woke up they were all back where they belong. So I don't know if I'm really the only reason they're up.

 

He made me breakfast too and that was really nice of him. He's been really nice today.

 

That's great!

 

 

Also just to clarify..what I meant when I said everyone that your dad is a person too was that everyone grieves differently. His way of grieving appears to be to try to forget. I don't think he was ever doing anything to hurt you, he was just being a bit selfish and not letting you grieve the way YOU wanted to. He tried to make you conform to HIS way of grieving.

 

 

It sounds like things are getting better though, and that's fantastic. I'm glad you put the pictures back up.

[Steel seal]

When I woke up she was here making breakfast. I don't have school so I was just taking things slow. She sat and talked to me for a long time, which isn't unusual. We talk and try to get along most of the time. When she was leaving she asked if I wanted her to bring me lunch, and I told her no I was fine. She seemed to be offended by it...

 

Then when she left she told me she loves me... I feel like a brat, but that made me cry. It makes me feel angry too. I don't want her to love me.