People are trying to forget my mom

[ChickiePops]

When I woke up she was here making breakfast. I don't have school so I was just taking things slow. She sat and talked to me for a long time, which isn't unusual. We talk and try to get along most of the time. When she was leaving she asked if I wanted her to bring me lunch, and I told her no I was fine. She seemed to be offended by it...

 

Then when she left she told me she loves me... I feel like a brat, but that made me cry. It makes me feel angry too. I don't want her to love me.

 

I understand. But her loving you doesn't take anything at all away from your relationship with your mother. And if you love her at some point, it doesn't mean you didn't love your mom, nor does it mean you're betraying your mom. I bet she'd be happy to know that you have someone else helping your dad take care of you..she'd be happy that your dad's gf loves you.

 

 

Are you in any kind of grief counseling?

[turnera]

Hon, we don't choose who we love. As a child, you feel you can only love your parents, your family. But you'll see as you get older that we're capable of loving many people, for many reasons.

 

I suspect she loves you because of (1) who you are - a lovable person, and (2) you are in her life and she's chosen to be open to loving you.

 

Have you been to see your school counselor yet? She'll probably help.

[preraph]

Your mother would want your dad to find a new person to love, so try to honor what she would want. She wouldn't want him miserable the rest of his days because she died. And she wouldn't want you making him feel bad for continuing to find some joy in life. You are angry because he has a new girlfriend or wife or whatever she is, just like if your parents got divorced, you, like many other kids, resent the new person because they usually hope the parents will reunite. He can't reunite with your mother. He's making the best of a bad situation. It's unfair to try to make the new lady uncomfortable and feel like she is not welcome. I don't mean about the pictures. You should always have pictures in your personal space, bedroom or bathroom, but generally, they are not going to be out in the public areas of the home once someone is trying to welcome a new person into the family. It's hard for one parent to make it all by themselves taking care of kids, and it's hard for a man who is used to being part of a couple to get used to being without a partner.

 

What I want for you is to have someone you can talk about your mother with and keep her memory alive. But I believe your mother can feel your spirit and look in on your from time to time in spirit, too. So you can talk to her. But it would be nice if you had a school counselor or a church counselor or one of your mother's sisters or brothers who would like to spend some time talking to you and remembering your mother. Did your mother have a best friend? If so, call that person and ask to get together, but not at your home. I'm sure if one of my friends died, I'd be happy to sit and talk to her kids about their mom and what she meant to me.

 

Hope you are feeling less resentful soon. It's hard on everybody.

[BaileyB]

Oh my... I know how you feel.

 

I lost my mom almost five years ago. She was diagnosed and died six months later. I was a lot older than you, but I was heart broken. I'm still heart broken, but it gets better with time. There is just no way to describe what it feels like to live in this world without your mother by your side... And to feel this pain at such a young age - I wish I could hug you and wipe your tears. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

Your mom must have been a strong lady to have fought that terrible disease so bravely, for so long. And she must have been a wonderful lady to have raised such a strong and loving daughter. I once heard a beautiful quote and it was - "A mother's ultimate job and greatest accomplishment is to raise a daughter who is strong enough to live without her." You don't want to do that, but you are doing it... And that is a real tribute to your mother.

 

Now, to your father. I will tell you that my father could not cope with the loss of my mother. He told me two weeks after she died that he planned to start dating again and he had another woman living in their home just a few short months after my mother passed away. He took down all her pictures and he never spoke of her. If we spoke of her, he would either start to cry and/or he would walk away...

 

I hated him for that. I hated the fact that he could not let me grieve and remember my mother. I hated the fact that he would not let us talk about her. I hated the fact that he "replaced her" so quickly after she died. As if, she could be replaced!!

 

And the truth is, she can't be replaced. It's been five years and he still cries when we talk about her. In fact, he told me last week that he dreams about her almost every night and in his dreams, they are doing all the things they used to enjoy together. He has found happiness with this other woman, but he still misses my mom desperately and he has not truly grieved her loss...

 

Now, I'll tell you how I dealt with those feelings. I found a counsellor and I talked and cried, for a long time... I started a journal and I would write letters to my mom, telling her how I felt and all the things I wished that she was here to see. I still buy her a Mother's Day card every year and I write a little note to her. The first few years, I bought myself a little something special at Christmas and on my birthday - something she would have bought me, I bought it in her memory. I still carry her picture around in my wallet. I remember her in lots of ways.

 

But oh, how I wish that I could have someone to talk with and remember her. I often say, I just miss hearing her name - nobody ever says her name anymore... My aunt has also had a hard time coping, so it's hard to talk with her. My dad and my brother won't talk of her. So, I just think to myself that I need to do things to remember her myself. And, the counsellor really helped!

 

With time, life moves on. Your life will move on and your pain will get better. But, you will never forget your mom. Even though they may not talk about her, other people remember your mom. Even your dad, who may not show it, remembers and misses your mom.

 

Two final things. When it comes to your dad... The best advice I got during my mom's illness was from a social worker who told us to "be kind to each other." When I was feeling angry and hurt by my dad, I would remember "be kind to each other." Everyone grieves differently. He has not forgotten your mother, he is really just doing the best to try and find a way to continue to live without her...

 

And, another quote from my mom's obituary...

 

"If you remember me often, I will never be forgotten."

 

Send me a private message if ever you want to talk. Take the greatest care sweetheart.

Edited September 16, 2016 by BaileyB

[Steel seal]

Tonight we went to her father's birthday party. Her whole family is really nice to me, and I try my hardest to be nice back without falling apart. They all kept trying to talk to me about stuff, and it was difficult for me to not start crying. I don't know why I do that around them.

 

When we dropped her off she said she loves me again. I didn't respond because it was already hard enough. My dad told me he's always proud of how I handle myself with them and they all were telling him I'm cute and sweet. He said it makes him proud because it reminds him of my mom. That's what he said he told them, I get it from her. Then I started to cry and I think it made him mad or something... he just started acting annoyed with me.

 

I wish everyone could see how bad it hurts.

[Tayla]

I would suggest a good nights rest.(2am post?)

You seem to be missing school a bit. Might help to be amongst your peers.

 

Usually peers can be more like minded.. there was a poster here named Mirandaa who has similar parent/child quandaries. Perhaps you can do a search and read her postings.. You both might get to be good buds!

[Steel seal]

It wasn't that late here, and I always go to school when I have class, but some days I don't have to go.

 

You're right though, I don't sleep much. I'm afraid to actually... I have a lot of nightmares or dreams about my mom. The dreams about my mom aren't the nightmares, but they make me really sad after, so I usually stay awake as much as I can. My dad doesn't know, or I don't think he does.

 

I'd rather be tired than have to deal with all of it.

[turnera]

Honey, two things. First, PLEASE find a counselor to go to. You really need someone in your life you can talk to, and a counselor (1) is a compassionate person who really wants to help you feel better and (2) knows stuff we normal people don't about how to start feeling better. She'll help you learn how to deal with your mom's loss, your dad's moving on, and your conflicted feelings about it.

 

Second, I know at your age it feels right to not trust your dad to really care about you - we all go through that at your age - but he really isn't your enemy, he really loves you, he really is trying hard to make things better for you, and he wants more than anything for you to love him back. Please trust me on this. Give him (and her) a chance.

[BaileyB]

Please find a counsellor, or a teacher, or a family friend that you can talk too. What you are feeling is normal, but it would be so helpful if you had someone to help you through this really difficult time in your life.

 

Your mom would want that for you - she would want you to do whatever you needed to do to remember her with love and find happiness again.

[Steel seal]

On Friday I made an appointment to see someone at my school on Monday. I'm nervous... they even had to call my dad about it. He hasn't said anything to me though

Tonight he told me I look just like her and sometimes he pretends I am. I guess he does it when I'm sideways. I thought it was a little creepy when he said that.

[BaileyB]

Good for you! I hope the appointment goes well.

 

Your dad is clearly struggling with the loss of your mom too, it is weird that he says stuff like that to you, but probably understandable that he thinks like that sometimes. Try to give him a break. He's struggling too...

 

Take care and let us know how it goes.