GF is an alcoholic

[BetrayedH]

The hardest part for you might be the lack of drama that you've grown accustomed to but saying good-bye to her is the only thing to do if you value yourself at all.

 

Unless of course you don't mind being second to the alcohol.

 

Trust me, I relish the opportunity to escape the drama. I'm a peaceful person and weary of the drama. I fantasize about a life without it. Life was tough when I first got my own apartment, but it was also liberating to be handling life for my kids and I on my own. I was proud of the accomplishment. It was me and them and we made it. But I relish external validation as much as the next human and I wanted something for myself.

 

I think there's a side of me that posted here in hopes that I'd find some solution that has otherwise evaded me. I also knew that the odds of that were slim. I understand too much about this addiction to have much faith in miraculous change. And I've tried all of the external motivators.

 

Sigh.

[merrmeade]

Thanks Merrmeade.

 

We'll see if I get clear of this existing relationship before we discuss your daughter. I'm a bit of a stickler about that.

 

Thanks for the reassurance about my kids. I suppose you're right. I had really hoped to create and maintain a sense of stability after a period of such instability for them. And it's true that we have really turned a corner. They are very well-adjusted kids when things could have been much worse. And that's truly due to a serious amount of effort on my part as well as my exwife. This would be an upheaval that they could handle. And I think they'd understand. I just wish it was avoidable. I'm not sure it is and I'm just now kinda coming to grips with it.

Deal.

 

Regarding your kids again - It doesn't mean they might not have some negative reactions at first; it's bound to be disappointing, inconvenient and annoying. In fact, they could be pissed at you, but you WILL work it out.

 

And back to the main question: I think you're probably getting the answers you already knew in your heart, and when you're clear of this role you'll become more and more convinced you had no choice but to separate. Of that I have no doubt. She's an addict, and there are stages she'll go through, which you should not try to control or influence. I mean you can try, but it won't help and could hurt you.

 

I wouldn't wait if I were you. It's against your nature to live a lie.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have attended a few AA meetings. I'm just sorry to say that that it didn't seem to fit with me and the pressure to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and needed to submit my life to a higher power simply didn't resonate with me.

 

You've gotten great advice on your situation, don't have much to add.

 

But, as a not particularly religious person, I looked at the higher power as me plus one or more persons, working to support each other. Hope you don't give up on either the AA or Al-Anon options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

It's utterly amazing how weeks of continuous improvement can occur, only to be set back by one night of insanity.

[Raena]

It's utterly amazing how weeks of continuous improvement can occur, only to be set back by one night of insanity.

 

I'm going to assume something happened recently that made this situation worse based on this comment. I hope not... but it sounds like it.

 

My ex was an alcoholic so I completely get where you are coming from. The rollercoaster ride is no fun. Periods of calm followed by periods of insanity followed by periods of calm and on and on and on.

 

The only way I got him to quit drinking for good was to tell him very clearly that if he ever let another drop of alcohol touch his lips then we would be done. Period. No discussion. Stop drinking right this minute and be done with it for good or we are done. He stopped. (I stopped too to support him) However, he eventually resented me for it, found our sober life to be exceedingly boring and found his thrills elsewhere (cheating, as you know from our many conversations about his crazy behavior). He and I have been split for 3 years now and he started drinking again the moment we split up. (so did I, but only socially)

 

My point is, you can give her that ultimatum and she might follow it, but if you do, she could end up resenting you for it too.

 

It seems to me that the only way I ended up getting off the roller coaster of dealing with an addict was to leave the relationship. No matter how insistent you are that she needs to change, if she does it for you and not for herself it won't last. She won't do it for herself until she fully realizes what it's cost her. She has to hit rock bottom so to speak.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Seems like you really deserve a healthy happy relationship without all this drama. I'm sure it's out there somewhere for you. Keep your chin up and make a plan to get out. You've got this.

[amaysngrace]

Trust me, I relish the opportunity to escape the drama. I'm a peaceful person and weary of the drama. I fantasize about a life without it. Life was tough when I first got my own apartment, but it was also liberating to be handling life for my kids and I on my own. I was proud of the accomplishment. It was me and them and we made it. But I relish external validation as much as the next human and I wanted something for myself.

 

I think there's a side of me that posted here in hopes that I'd find some solution that has otherwise evaded me. I also knew that the odds of that were slim. I understand too much about this addiction to have much faith in miraculous change. And I've tried all of the external motivators.

 

Sigh.

 

I understand the need for companionship but is having someone by your side worth the dysfunction you're allowing to go along with it?

 

Dr Phil has an expression that I think can apply here "it's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else"

 

Wishing better days for you.

[HappyAgain2014]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's very difficult to live with an addict and not become codependent. This leads to enabling behaviors but it seems you're quite aware of that.

 

The problem here is you have nothing to work with. Addicts are manipulative. I think you're stuck between your love for her and your distance for the addict. Unfortunately, there is no way to help her if she's not committed to sobriety.

 

You've come too far to settle, especially for a relationship that will ultimately emotionally drain you. You have a great plan. Hopefully the next few months will go as planned.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's utterly amazing how weeks of continuous improvement can occur, only to be set back by one night of insanity.

 

Welcome to addict-land.

 

That stability you thought was genuine can disappear in an instant.

 

I'm sorry BH.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for the thoughtful posts. It helps to have additional perspectives.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before complete sobriety is the only option. I do believe she knows that, too, and has been really remorseful about the episodes that occur. She just slips back into it very easily as it's her coping mechanism. But she sees the damage that it's doing and we've been on a much better path lately.

 

It's difficult to balance my desire to recognize those efforts and continuous improvement and the sense that it somehow enables the process to continue.

[ja123]

If she's not willing to go to AA or a counsellor, then my suggestion is probably void:

 

 

But would she go to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression?

 

 

Some people try to self-medicate with booze.

 

 

I'm not making this suggestion to "save" your relationship, it's just that she seems like a sad soul.

[Popsicle]

Remove yourself from the crazy. You'll be better off for it.

[salparadise]

I think there's a side of me that posted here in hopes that I'd find some solution that has otherwise evaded me. I also knew that the odds of that were slim. I understand too much about this addiction to have much faith in miraculous change. And I've tried all of the external motivators.

 

Alcoholism is a life destroying disease. People in its throes rarely have any objectivity. It's not just an individual problem; it's a family system dysfunction... and that includes the kids. Everyone is affected, everyone plays a role in it.

 

There really is only one thing that you can control and change––yourself. And nothing is going to change unless you change. Counseling, addiction treatment, sobriety is the solution, but the odds of success while living with another alcoholic who continues to drink are low, as you must surely understand. You have to be resolute in making that decision.

 

You're right. There is no compromise solution. Your choices are addiction or sobriety. For you. If both of you choose sobriety the relationship may have a chance.

[BetrayedH]

If she's not willing to go to AA or a counsellor, then my suggestion is probably void:

 

 

But would she go to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression?

 

 

Some people try to self-medicate with booze.

 

 

I'm not making this suggestion to "save" your relationship, it's just that she seems like a sad soul.

 

Mental health concerns are an issue. Both bi-polar and depression. I have been a good influence on her life but I have my hands full.

 

She has a good history with enthusiastically attending therapy and being responsive. She's also remarkably good with medications.

 

The alcohol is understood not to be a good mix (the understatement is also acknowledged).

 

I respect sunny's perspective but I also just don't feel that life is that simple. I'm not sure I've ever know anyone that wasn't damaged in some way. It's in my nature to empathize and help. I don't see it as control.

[ja123]

Well, if she knows about her mental health issues is she taking medication for it? Is she currently in counselling for depression or bi-polar depression?

 

 

Regarding your empathy being a means of control. Perhaps 'yes', perhaps 'no'; but, you do need to learn to have empathy for yourself - you don't deserve poor treatment (being yelled at, having things thrown at you) regardless the cause.

 

 

Have you looked into codependency regarding yourself?

[Art_Critic]

I think it's only a matter of time before complete sobriety is the only option. I do believe she knows that, too,

 

Of course, the issue is that even though she will say she knows it her denial will kick in and she will not admit she is powerless over Alcohol to HERSELF, which is what needs to occur for sobriety to begin to take place..

It is also what it will take for her to stay sober...

 

The other thing is that your codependency is showing and you could use some help with that, Alanon or perhaps some books on codependency will help you.

 

Most likely you and her are going to need outside help with this...

[BetrayedH]

Sorry I don't feel much like engaging with my own thread.

 

Two nights ago I put my foot down (controlling or not) and made it clear that I'm no longer drinking and that if another drop passes her lips, we're done. It was a night of drama prior to that but she agreed and, in short, was glad to feel like she had a partner in doing it.

 

At this point I'm just focused on keeping my end of the bargain and steeling myself to enforce the boundary.

 

Fingers crossed.

[Raena]

I hope it works out for you... it could be that this is what she needs to get sober once and for all. Be that strong rock for her and stick to your guns. If she drinks... walk away and mean it. You ultimately have to do what is right for you and your kids no matter what.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry I don't feel much like engaging with my own thread.

 

Two nights ago I put my foot down (controlling or not) and made it clear that I'm no longer drinking and that if another drop passes her lips, we're done. It was a night of drama prior to that but she agreed and, in short, was glad to feel like she had a partner in doing it.

 

At this point I'm just focused on keeping my end of the bargain and steeling myself to enforce the boundary.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

My stomach flip-flopped over this

 

I hope you are prepared to follow-through.

 

I haven't heard of this working for anyone. Myself included.

[1111volcano]

Hello I just read your story I completely understand what your going thru. I had a bf of 5 years who was an alcoholic. He was really bad I tried to get him help but could only do so much. Its up the the one who is drinking and who wants to stop on their own. I have 2 teenagers too but thankfully he's not the father, my kids father is not in their life and I didn't want my bf to be dad role model. The kids seen what he was doing and seen him take his medication and drink it down w/ a beer. Not good for them to see. So I took charge and told him to leave ( among other personal reasons ) I'm just sad it took 5 years to do it. He was so bad he could drink a case a beer like it was water and be ok at times. Other times he was sloppy and pass out on my floor or back porch wake up and start drinking again. He did hold down a 2nd shift job but sense you can't drink and go to work, he would substitute mouth wash for beer. It was bad. He eventually went to detox ( his probabtion officers orders). He did good on that so now he has to wear a ankle monitor to control his drinking. 3 years into our relationship he had this breathing machine, where he had to blow in it twice a day to prove he hasn't been drinking and it had this little camera on it to take pictures of him doing it so someone else wasn't blowing in it. So the machine didn't keep him from drinking so I know the ankle monitor won't work. I broke up w/ him and told him to leave my house w/ him being on this monitor , I figured it would have been easier to get him to leave when he was sober. I had to do what was best for my children they don't need to live in that environment. Hope everything works for you good luck

[Popsicle]

BetrayedH, because you binge drink and then can stop and go long periods without it, I don't think you really understand what it's like for dependent alcoholic. They are not like you. I don't know how much your GF drinks but real alcoholics can't just stop. They need medical intervention to be able to get thru detox. Alcohol detox is one of the most dangerous detoxing process and can cause death. She most likely needs help to stop drinking and will need meds and medical monitoring (daily) for that.