Trust Issues

[mya5461]

So, me and my girlfriend have been together over a year now and throughout this year, we've had a lot of trust issues involving her and her ex. It started about a month after we started dating when she actually left me for her because she felt like I didn't give her enough attention. She met her at this club, after drinking too much. After figuring out the girl was crazy (she pulled a knife on her) she left and came back to me claiming she wanted me and no one else. Well then on my birthday, she was supposed to come and spend the whole day with me (this was a couple months later). I waited all day for her to show up and when she finally came she said she was at her aunt's. I didn't think anything of it, we started talking and somehow her ex came up. Jokingly, I asked when was the last time she had seen her. Come to find out that was the reason she was so late. I was super mad, I left her but I loved her, so after some apologizing, I took her back. I even talked to the ex, and we became cool. Well a couple weeks later, her ex had her bday party and against what everyone else said, I told her to go because i didn't want to hold on to the past. She came home with HICKIES on her neck, but there was alcohol involved. I eventually forgave her, but only because I made her block the girl, even though she still tries to talk to her.

 

Fast forward to now, my girlfriend's birthday is coming up and she wants to go out and get drunk. I won't be there because she's planning on going out of state with her friends and I'm not 21 yet. She says I can trust her, yet keeps saying things like "don't get mad if I dance with another girl" or "I can't tell you if I don't remember". That scares me, joke or not. I don't mind if she dances or whatever, but she's talking about things beyond that. I keep trying to tell her that I feel extremely uncomfortable about this and honestly I'm losing sleep over it but she insists that I'm just being overprotective. Am I? And are there any suggestions on how to handle this? Because I'm struggling, a lot.

Edited September 5, 2016 by mya5461
Making The Title Clearer

[lolablue17]

She cheated on you in the past for something like 3 times (that you know of), and now she's announcing you with very clear words that she's going to cheat on you again.

 

Why don't you let her go... Today. Tell her that you won't be mad at her dancing with other girl, or even sleeping with them because you're not together any more. Bye bye...

 

My advice is to let her do the struggling instead of you. Get rid of this dark pothole in your life.

[mya5461]

Why don't you let her go...

 

I guess because I love her, and everytime I try it gets harder and harder, makes me have panic attacks sometimes because I'm very introverted, she's the only friend I have. On the other hand the two most recent relationships I was in before this were both abusive, the first lasting almost 6 years and the second over a year. Believe it or not, this is the best relationship I've ever been in, so I guess I'm hesitant, idk

[ExpatInItaly]

If this is the best relationship you've ever been in, you really need to date around more.

 

You know you can't trust her, and she's basically warning you that she will fool around with another girl on her birthday trip. You'd [be crazy to assume she won't do anything. She will.

 

She doesn't love you or respect you, and this relationship isn't a serious one for her at all. If you don't walk away, you can't really blame anyone but yourself. You need to work on your self-esteem if this is the garbage you're willing to tolerate. She's a total jerk.

[gorf]

I guess because I love her, and everytime I try it gets harder and harder, makes me have panic attacks sometimes because I'm very introverted, she's the only friend I have. On the other hand the two most recent relationships I was in before this were both abusive, the first lasting almost 6 years and the second over a year. Believe it or not, this is the best relationship I've ever been in, so I guess I'm hesitant, idk

 

You don't like to be alone. That is what this is about. Its more about the idea of loving her than it is about actually loving her.. and its driven by the need to be with someone, even if you are only a doormat to them. Have some dignity and let the door smack her in the rear on the way out. She sounds like an absolutely horrible person to be in a relationship with or even plan to be in one with.

[lolablue17]

I guess because I love her, and everytime I try it gets harder and harder, makes me have panic attacks sometimes because I'm very introverted, she's the only friend I have. On the other hand the two most recent relationships I was in before this were both abusive, the first lasting almost 6 years and the second over a year. Believe it or not, this is the best relationship I've ever been in, so I guess I'm hesitant, idk

 

I don't claim that your relationship is nothing or meaningless or bad. She probably loves you very much, and have a great time with you, and you mean a lot to her, otherwise she would have left.

 

But she likes to be in a relationship with you, while having some excitements from the side here and there. She may not change in that matter, especially when you allow it (by not breaking up with her over this). You should decide if the good things justify the hurt you feel and will feel along the way.

 

But try to be honest with yourself, and what ever you decide, do it with all your heart. I know people who say "I don't mind my partner to have some excitements from the side, as long as she loves me and eventually chooses me, and comes home to be with me",

[mya5461]

If you don't walk away, you can't really blame anyone but yourself.

 

That's what I keep thinking, I guess I kind of just needed someone else to tell me. Like I have no one else around to talk to about stuff like this, but you're right.

[mya5461]

You don't like to be alone. That is what this is about. Its more about the idea of loving her than it is about actually loving her.. and its driven by the need to be with someone, even if you are only a doormat to them. Have some dignity and let the door smack her in the rear on the way out. She sounds like an absolutely horrible person to be in a relationship with or even plan to be in one with.

 

I could definitely see that, I never thought about it but I could see that. I guess I just really need to look at everything with the right mindset.

[mya5461]

I don't claim that your relationship is nothing or meaningless or bad. She probably loves you very much, and have a great time with you, and you mean a lot to her, otherwise she would have left.

 

But she likes to be in a relationship with you, while having some excitements from the side here and there. She may not change in that matter, especially when you allow it (by not breaking up with her over this). You should decide if the good things justify the hurt you feel and will feel along the way.

 

But try to be honest with yourself, and what ever you decide, do it with all your heart. I know people who say "I don't mind my partner to have some excitements from the side, as long as she loves me and eventually chooses me, and comes home to be with me",

 

Honestly, I know I won't let it happen. She just keeps promising that nothing will happen, like she bought me a promise ring, she hasn't talked to anyone else (that I know of) and I guess that's why it's frustrating because I see her trying. I've always been the type of person that, if I see you trying, I'll try too. That might be why it's hard too. Idk

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess because I love her...

You're extremely young and one day, you'll learn the lesson that a lot of us have had to learn as we grew older.

 

Sometimes, love JUST ain't enough.

[smackie9]

You are codependent. Have a read: Codependency Relationships - Codependent

 

Instead of addiction, you are codependent due to your introvert personality, lack of the ability to form friendships/relationships.

Edited September 5, 2016 by smackie9

[smackie9]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

[Space Ritual]

Mya,

 

Let me ask you a question.

 

If one of your friends told you the same story that you have told us and asked you what they should do, would you not tell them to run screaming into the night away from this person?

 

I think you would. I also think you already know the answer to your question...because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

When your GF tells you that you can trust her, and makes a big production out of it, you know as well as I do that means no way in hell can you trust her. The Promise ring means NOTHING. Hell, this chick has literally telegraphed to you that she will not be faithful to you. It's her ex's birthday party for Christ's sake.

 

Tell her she is free to go to the party, just not as your girlfriend. If she even hesitates at that, then you simply tell her that any items she has at your place will be placed in garbage bags and she can pick them up after the party.

 

Then never speak to her again. She is using you as Plan B.

 

The main problem with situations like this is that people tend to never follow through with consequences, Obviously you have forgiven her more than once, so since she sees no real consequence for her actions, she feels you'll just accept this treatment. I mean, she has a good thing going...she uses you to satisfy her emotional needs and her ex to satisfy her sexual needs. And when she feels tired of the sex, there's good old Mya to feed her ego kibbles. You don't want to be like that, because nobody respects a person who accepts that kind of treatment.

 

Have some respect for your self and get rid of this chick. She is No..effing...good.

[Zahara]

Sounds like you'll tolerate just about any BS just to have someone in your life. This is not love. This is co-dependency. Behaving the absolute doormat because that seems easier than being alone.

 

And a woman like this one knows it and will only play you for the fool. Pick up your self-respect and aim higher.