MaryAnnie Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 So sins I haven't been well I got home early from work today, and when I went into the closet I saw some "things" had been used. So I confronted my hubby and he admitted to blow of some steam. In the past I have asked him if he sometimes does that, as I find that as a totally normal thing to do, but he has said no. So after a chat he turns out he does that when we haven't done it in a wile like when I have my period that last for 7 days or have been sick and so on.. and I am fine with that. Like I said to him when I need to blow of steam I do so, like if he is sick and such and he encourage me to do so. And I always tell him when I do so. So that is why I find it strange that he has felt the need to hide it from me. He says after he is done he normally feels unwell and guilty and does not like it. But I was like well if I am not able to tend your needs am just happy you do it yourself and don't go someplace else, and that also if he would like send me a sexy text or something I would send one back and giggle like mad.. I see it as a way to add some "spice". However the thing that bugs me quite a bit is the fact that he lied to me in the past when I have asked him. After 15 years of marriage I belive we could be honest about all kind of things... so now he is at work and am home with a million questions.. like why does it make him feel shame, why am I so hurt that he did not tell me.. and why do I feel so pissed that he lied to my face about it... and I am like what else is he not telling me.. so should I never ever speak of it agin, as it made him very shameful and sad..pretend like it never happen.. should I rant and yell.. or just sit and cry... I kinda wane do all of the above oh and go mad and shop like hell.. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Many - if not most - people were raised think masturbation is shameful, and so are very reluctant to admit they do so. That's all that's going on here, and calling him out on it - even though you approve - is making him feel shamed at having been discovered. I'd suggest you just let it go, and just continue to make positive comments about your own masturbation. He may eventually get over the indoctrinated shame response, but don't count on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I really don't know what this is about. What did your husband do that he lied about and is ashamed of? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaryAnnie Posted September 5, 2016 Author Share Posted September 5, 2016 He masturbated... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Okay, that's pretty much what I thought, but I didn't know if there was more to it since you said that some things in the closet had been "used". I was kind of thinking that he may have been dressing up in your stuff but I didn't want to go there if that wasn't the case. Like a lot of people, he may have been raised to feel shame over masturbating. It may well be a tough shame to get over, as my wife would likely attest to. Just keep talking. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Really? He knocked one off and its caused this drama? Urm... I am kinda perplexed as to what to say. Seems as though he has issues with it. Tell him it turns you on when he does it and you find it sexy or something... I don't know - it just seems as though he feels "dirty" for doing it? I don't know why you would have to question him so about it either though... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 This sounds like a lot of drama over masturbation. It sounds to me like you both have trouble talking about sex. If you want to make some headway, someone's going to have to open up about it, and since you're worried about it, maybe it should be you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 ... so now he is at work and am home with a million questions.. like why does it make him feel shame, why am I so hurt that he did not tell me.. and why do I feel so pissed that he lied to my face about it... and I am like what else is he not telling me.. so should I never ever speak of it agin, as it made him very shameful and sad..pretend like it never happen.. should I rant and yell.. or just sit and cry... I kinda wane do all of the above oh and go mad and shop like hell.. *sigh* Jesus, no wonder the guy is left with all kinds of bad feelings after having some private time. You're acting like it's this big huge event that he has to announce to you or something. Does he tell you every time he goes to the bathroom too? This is just so ridiculously over the top. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 So sins I haven't been well I got home early from work today, and when I went into the closet I saw some "things" had been used. I'm confused; what was "used?" In the past I have asked him if he sometimes does that, as I find that as a totally normal thing to do, but he has said no. If it is a normal thing, why are you so bent out of shape this time? However the thing that bugs me quite a bit is the fact that he lied to me in the past when I have asked him. As others have said. There is inherent shame involved, often due to how we have been raised. Maybe he doesn't want to have to tell you every time he whacks one out.... so now he is at work and am home with a million questions.. like why does it make him feel shame Maybe because you are over-reacting? why am I so hurt that he did not tell me.. There is a better question. why do I feel so pissed that he lied to my face about it... And an even better question. should I rant and yell.. or just sit and cry... I kinda wane do all of the above oh and go mad and shop like hell.. *sigh* Wow. That is a hella lot of angst for something fairly minor, don't you think? Considering you said it was a normal thing to do? Here is a question: Aren't there things that YOU do apart from your husband that you consider "private"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 So after a chat he turns out he does that when we haven't done it in a wile like when I have my period that last for 7 days Why does the fact you're having your period mean you couldn't lend him a hand (literally!)??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Why does the fact you're having your period mean you couldn't lend him a hand (literally!)??? Or a mouth? :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 He masturbated... Right but what did he do that he's supposed to be ashamed of? It's still not clear. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I'm guessing he lied and tried to hide it because he knew she would freak out about it. Though she was saying it was "okay". That "caught him" and "confronted him" language is very telling. And ... it appears he was right. So sad that anyone would feel they need to hide or be shameful about something as minor as masturbation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 should I never ever speak of it agin, He masturbated... As of the moment you finished the first post in this thread, you had never even spoken (or written) of it once. Anyway, you and your husband just need to become more comfortable with one another, and I suspect that the first step toward doing so is to become more comfortable with yourself. This is no big deal... and now you just need to work your thoughts around to the point where it remains no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 I'm guessing he lied and tried to hide it because he knew she would freak out about it. Though she was saying it was "okay". That "caught him" and "confronted him" language is very telling. And ... it appears he was right. So sad that anyone would feel they need to hide or be shameful about something as minor as masturbation. Tell me about it... Mind you when I catch my partners doing something like that I usually want to join it or watch!!! Its like being ashamed for blowing your nose... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Oh my gosh...silverman don't make me revoke masturbation privileges. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts