Why do some people reject those they really like...?

[surferchic]

As I read different threads and reflect on situations I've seen or even been in, it seems like lots of people (men and women)reject or put walls up against people they REALLY like even after initiating most of the contact....

 

Why?

[ExpatInItaly]

I've known people to do this when they have suffered traumatic pasts, particularly an abusive childhood. Sometimes such people associate intimacy with fear, since they learned at an early age that people close to you (ie parents) can hurt you more than anyone. In my experience, they have difficulty forming close bonds with people when those scars are very deep. Emotional attachment can be a scary thing for them.

 

Others have had bad relationship experiences. Perhaps there was abuse, cheating, neglect, a sudden and seemingly unexplained breakup.

 

Getting close to someone requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Many people have a lot of trouble really allowing themselves to open up and experience that vulnerability, since their trust has been so badly betrayed before. Sometimes they prefer to keep a "safe' distance and thus reject someone they actually really do like and care about. It's sort of an "I'll leave you before you leave me" mentality.

[phineas]

Insecurity i believe.

They are afraid they aren't good enough to keep someone even if they do end up dating them.

[leogirl876]

My thoughts is they really don't like them that much or they thought they did until they got to know them better.

[surferchic]

I agree with the earlier posts.

 

Mainly, because I'm referring to rejection as in being wishy washy before even getting to know the person on a deeper level. Then they continue to initiate contact, dates, etc.

 

E.g., I just started communicating with a guy who had a crush on me for over 15 years. I knew about it but I never liked him on that level.just never looked at him like that. So recently we saw each other at a party and he was floored , asking me was I married yet and asking my friend about me. Mind you we had several conversations that day,but he never once asked for my number. Once the party is over,he asks my friend for my number the next day.

 

We start talking aso friends then I got confused bcuz it seemed that he wanted more from me but he would ask to see me then change his mind. Mind you I'm only thinking of him as a friend but he starts flirting and telling me how he's been attracted to me for years but he never told me. My friend used to tell me but I'd never gave it a second thought...really. So recently, I haven't responded to him as he'd like on a more intimate level and he started dating how he couldn't go deeper as in a relationship.....I'm like hu?

 

First of all,I never EVER even asked him or spoke about a relationship or getting closer to him. It's like he built this idea in his head and is wrestling with his own thoughts that I know nothing about. Or maybe it makes him feel better to do as a poster said, reject me before I ever get a chance to reject him. It's beyond me... not even sure why he ever got my number???

Edited September 5, 2016 by surferchic

[smackie9]

It could also mean you were just another option. Someone else may have caught their eye.

[stillafool]

Some people just want something badly until they actually get it. Then they lose interest.

[surferchic]

Perhaps that's the case for us both.

 

Once we started seeing each other,i wasnt satisfied with the intimacy and he asked me if I was. I was honest and I don't think he was/any guy would be happy about my response. I was going to let things fade, but he contacted me after one of our encounters asking what I was doing, thinking,etc.

 

Then a few days later he says he's depressed.

 

He's a cool guy outside of him being awkwardly shy. I didn't intend to hurt his feelings, but perhaps he was super guarded after this situation and I didn't try to say anything to fix it or stroke his ego,as some people think I should have done....

 

Oh well.

[luvflower]

From the details of your thread, sounds like it had little to do with you and more to do with his social awkwardness. Your response to him certainly didn't help, but it's not your fault nor am I inclined to believe that no longer likes toy once he got to know you.

 

He's clearly been this way since you started communicating with him. You said he's contacting you asking you what you're doing and feeling once you both left each other,but he your response want to his liking. .. once a man's ego is scorned, unfortunately there's little that you can do to fix that especially if he's sensitive add this guy may be.

 

Sounds like some posters should read your details or other thread before making a statement that makes them sound scorned, like this guy you're discussing. If you told him toy wanted to see him again or have him an ego boost about the intimacy piece, im almost certain he wouldn't have said he was depressed.

[phineas]

Some people just want something badly until they actually get it. Then they lose interest.

 

I think this is valid for a number of women.

 

I've had my fair share of ONS with women in my social circle.

I normally don't try to sleep with them.

They try to sleep with me.

I think it's because i'm literally the only guy in the group not actively trying to get into their pants.

 

Then after, they just want to be friends or just fool around when it's convenient for them.

 

I know it isn't the quality of sex the scared them off.

 

What I can only say is after i showed interest in dating them because i didn't want them to think i just wanted sex and they lost interest.

 

But when i figured out to just contact them the next morning and tell them i had fun then leave it up to them to contact me, they kept wanting to see me.

[preraph]

Because they're chicken to do anything in real life. Just comfortable texting or online.

[surferchic]

Because they're chicken to do anything in real life. Just comfortable texting or online.

 

This is a common response I've heard. And it may be very true...

[surferchic]

I think this is valid for a number of women.

 

I've had my fair share of ONS with women in my social circle.

I normally don't try to sleep with them.

They try to sleep with me.

I think it's because i'm literally the only guy in the group not actively trying to get into their pants.

 

Then after, they just want to be friends or just fool around when it's convenient for them.

 

I know it isn't the quality of sex the scared them off.

 

What I can only say is after i showed interest in dating them because i didn't want them to think i just wanted sex and they lost interest.

 

But when i figured out to just contact them the next morning and tell them i had fun then leave it up to them to contact me, they kept wanting to see me.

I feel you on this...

 

I was not interested in this guy for a relationship. However, he is the one who brought it up. The intimacy wasn't horrible, but I'll put it this way....he bragged too much before the actual follow through. And I think he expected a more positive response from me.

 

Thing is, prior to him I was in a really serous relationship so him pursuing me was not on my radar. Plus the guy before him set the bar really high in terms of physical intimacy So, I couldn't pretend that I was all pleased after our rendezvous when in actuality I was not,with this current guy. However, i would like to remain friends...

 

Is that so bad?

[anduina]

Sometimes, all future perceivable paths lead nowhere so you don't want to begin something that already has an ending.

 

Other times, if you're too into them and feel out of control, especially when you're not certain they feel the same way, people shut down.

 

Sometimes people are only interested in the chase.

[katiegrl]

 

What I can only say is after i showed interest in dating them because i didn't want them to think i just wanted sex and they lost interest.

 

But when i figured out to just contact them the next morning and tell them i had fun then leave it up to them to contact me, they kept wanting to see me.

 

Yeah I heard this is true for many men (my brothers).... but just out of curiosity, in your particular situations, did these turn into FWB relationships or exclusive dating relationships?

 

I can only speak personally but if I were interested and had chemistry with a man, and he expressed interest in dating me ... I would be thrilled and would respond very positively to that!

 

The last thing I would ever do is start calling him and chasing him no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

 

Chasing a man does absolutely nothing for me, sexually or otherwise, I would become completely turned OFF..

 

I do believe in the man pursuing and the woman reciprocating though.

 

But that is different from what you are describing.

 

phineas again out of curiosity, have you ever fallen for any of these women who chase you for dates and/or sex?

Edited September 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[surferchic]

Yeah I heard this is true for many men (my brothers).... but just out of curiosity, in your particular situations, did these turn into FWB relationships or exclusive dating relationships?

 

I can only speak personally but if I were interested and had chemistry with a man, and he expressed interest in dating me ... I would be thrilled and would respond very positively to that!

 

The last thing I would ever do is start calling him and chasing him no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

 

Chasing a man does absolutely nothing for me, sexually or otherwise, I would become completely turned OFF..

 

I do believe in the man pursuing and the woman reciprocating though.

 

But that is different from what you are describing.

 

phineas again out of curiosity, have you ever fallen for any of these women who chase you for dates and/or sex?

Totally agree with everything you just said. Not sure what Phineas has to say,but as a female I'm never to aggressor. The guy I'm describing put feelers out to see if I had the same feelings towards him. I responded positively that I thought he was cool but he kept taking things to anot her level by --suggesting we have outings with each other's families, etc--- so prematurely.it was incredibly Strange.

 

So yes I liked this guy as a friend. never was attracted to him physically... However, we've crossed that line and I'm sure he could read me well enough to see that I was not pleased after sleeping with him. LSS, I wasn't pleased twice..he was. He asked me why I thought I wasn't "pleased ". I said I didn't know. But I did know, just didn't want to hurt his feelings because I liked him as a friend.

[katiegrl]

Totally agree with everything you just said. Not sure what Phineas has to say,but as a female I'm never to aggressor. The guy I'm describing put feelers out to see if I had the same feelings towards him. I responded positively that I thought he was cool but he kept taking things to anot her level by --suggesting we have outings with each other's families, etc--- so prematurely.it was incredibly Strange.

 

So yes I liked this guy as a friend. never was attracted to him physically... However, we've crossed that line and I'm sure he could read me well enough to see that I was not pleased after sleeping with him. LSS, I wasn't pleased twice..he was. He asked me why I thought I wasn't "pleased ". I said I didn't know. But I did know, just didn't want to hurt his feelings because I liked him as a friend.

 

Fair enough, but then why be upset (or disappointed, confused) that he stopped pursuing you?

 

He really liked you, wanted to develop something with you but you didn't feel the same.

 

So he rejected you. Makes sense to me.

 

If I am misinterpreting the situation my apologies.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Noproblem]

Fear of entrapment.

 

You know he is the one, but you know he is gonna be the end for you and you don't want to accept that so you run away because you don't want to be entrapped.

[NJ123]

Fear of entrapment.

 

You know he is the one, but you know he is gonna be the end for you and you don't want to accept that so you run away because you don't want to be entrapped.

 

That makes no sense at all though. If you reject someone you know is the one than wouldn't they just keep repeating the process of rejecting people after that? It makes no sense whatsoever to me.

[surferchic]

...If I am misinterpreting the situation my apologies.

 

Well ,I wasn't rejected. I never asked him for anything ,relationship,etc.

 

The issue was that after a moment of intimacy he climaxed twice. I didn't. He asked why.I said I didn't know. He tried to please me again the following morning. Still no happy ending for me. He was still wondering why and asked me.

 

So he talks to me about an hour before leaving that morning and asking me why I wanted to stay in my own bed several hours after he left. I say because I need rest. Then about half an hour after he leaves....he's calling me asking me what I'm doing. Then another 2 hours later he's asking me where I am and if I'm driving safely(sweet but kind of strange). I never asked him for anything ,I just know that after me saying I didn't climax... twice I think he felt like he could never please me intimately.... especially since prior to us being intimate he bragged so much about what he was going to do to "please" me sexually and otherwise.

 

Bottom line, I wasn't pleased.But I felt bad and sad that ididn't reach out to stroke his ego abs that he felt depressed the day after.

[katiegrl]

That makes no sense at all though. If you reject someone you know is the one than wouldn't they just keep repeating the process of rejecting people after that? It makes no sense whatsoever to me.

 

Some people feel very suffocated and *boxed in* when in a relationship.

 

They want it and don't want it at the same time.

 

They are capable of love but view relationships through a distorted lens, so run away insisting instead to hold tightly to their freedom and independence.

 

Even if all that freedom means is staying home alone and eating pizza every night!

 

It gets lonely for them, but the alternative, a relationship feels too suffocating.

 

I have known people (men and women) who literally have had panic attacks when faced with the possibility of a committed relationship. Cold sweats, can't breathe, stomach issues, I have seen it!

 

One of my brothers is like this.

 

Their reactions to it can be quite extreme and bizarre!

 

That is fear of entrapment which is very real for some people.

 

Bottom line is, many people have issues. Fears that can be paralyzing for them.... it's not always so black and white to say "oh he's just not into you."

 

Sometimes it's that, but not always.

[katiegrl]

Well ,I wasn't rejected. I never asked him for anything ,relationship,etc.

 

The issue was that after a moment of intimacy he climaxed twice. I didn't. He asked why.I said I didn't know. He tried to please me again the following morning. Still no happy ending for me. He was still wondering why and asked me.

 

So he talks to me about an hour before leaving that morning and asking me why I wanted to stay in my own bed several hours after he left. I say because I need rest. Then about half an hour after he leaves....he's calling me asking me what I'm doing. Then another 2 hours later he's asking me where I am and if I'm driving safely(sweet but kind of strange). I never asked him for anything ,I just know that after me saying I didn't climax... twice I think he felt like he could never please me intimately.... especially since prior to us being intimate he bragged so much about what he was going to do to "please" me sexually and otherwise.

 

Bottom line, I wasn't pleased.But I felt bad and sad that ididn't reach out to stroke his ego abs that he felt depressed the day after.

 

Okay, guess I am just confused why you started this thread asking why people reject those they really like.

 

I thought you were referring to your own situation with this guy, but guess not?

[phineas]

Yeah I heard this is true for many men (my brothers).... but just out of curiosity, in your particular situations, did these turn into FWB relationships or exclusive dating relationships?

 

I can only speak personally but if I were interested and had chemistry with a man, and he expressed interest in dating me ... I would be thrilled and would respond very positively to that!

 

The last thing I would ever do is start calling him and chasing him no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

 

Chasing a man does absolutely nothing for me, sexually or otherwise, I would become completely turned OFF..

 

I do believe in the man pursuing and the woman reciprocating though.

 

But that is different from what you are describing.

 

phineas again out of curiosity, have you ever fallen for any of these women who chase you for dates and/or sex?

 

short answer. Yes. I have. I married one.

But she has to be attractive and has to be someone i like spending time with clothed also.

It's happened a few times. but it took time. The woman had to show me she wasn't just looking to get her bell rung(fwb) or a guy to spend money and time on her before i let myself have feelings for them.

 

long answer...I make them chase.

I'm talking about the type of women that are HOT and every man around them is hitting on them constantly.

To the point where i don't even bother because they are basically full of themselves.

So like i said they come onto me, we have sex and after....

 

I show them that it doesn't affect my life one way or another if we have sex again or not. remember we aren't dating. They don't exactly chase but they do let me know where they will be and ask me to come out.

If i'm free I show.

 

Now, i do know women i slept with who told me they were "busy" when I chased so I stopped.

Then they start dropping subtle hints that turns into hard flirting and then play coy.

Then when i back off they start telling me to just call them when i want to come over and hang out.

I don't go for that nonsense especially after i had sex with them and made them O.

They want to see me, they need to ASK me. not going to chase.

 

Now when they do escalate to asking me to come over, i tell them "you come here" because those types of women LOVE a man who takes charge.

 

Keep in mind, the whole time i make it clear to women what I want from them and if they aren't providing it i make it clear why i'm not interested.

 

it isn't just sex, it's exclusive sex and dating. if they are not willing to provide that then I ignore them.

[surferchic]

Okay, guess I am just confused why you started this thread asking why people reject those they really like.

 

I thought you were referring to your own situation with this guy, but guess not?

 

I'm sorry...it's my fault. I should've changed the title of the thread because I kind of feel like we're both pulling back from each other due to awkwardness. He's always been really awkward/shy before we even started seeing each other.

 

So because he did all that bragging about how he was going to perform, i really think he felt gut punched when he realized i wasn't as pleased as he thought I'd be. His size isn't the biggest...and once i realized that (that evening),i was distracted in bed.

 

Hence him questioning why i didn't want to leave my OWN home with him, as he left out and him calling me asking me what i was doing. I feel like all this is an almost direct response to him knowing i wasn't pleased by HIM.

 

This thread could be called, "Defense mechanisms when they fail to please". Im not shallow though, so i wouldn't kick him to the curb because of this but i now know that it would be a struggle in this department with us. I never told him that though.

[katiegrl]

short answer. Yes. I have. I married one.

But she has to be attractive and has to be someone i like spending time with clothed also.

It's happened a few times. but it took time. The woman had to show me she wasn't just looking to get her bell rung(fwb) or a guy to spend money and time on her before i let myself have feelings for them.

 

long answer...I make them chase.

I'm talking about the type of women that are HOT and every man around them is hitting on them constantly.

To the point where i don't even bother because they are basically full of themselves.

So like i said they come onto me, we have sex and after....

 

I show them that it doesn't affect my life one way or another if we have sex again or not. remember we aren't dating. They don't exactly chase but they do let me know where they will be and ask me to come out.

If i'm free I show.

 

Now, i do know women i slept with who told me they were "busy" when I chased so I stopped.

Then they start dropping subtle hints that turns into hard flirting and then play coy.

Then when i back off they start telling me to just call them when i want to come over and hang out.

I don't go for that nonsense especially after i had sex with them and made them O.

They want to see me, they need to ASK me. not going to chase.

 

 

 

------

 

 

****Now when they do escalate to asking me to come over, i tell them "you come here" because those types of women LOVE a man who takes charge.

 

Keep in mind, the whole time i make it clear to women what I want from them and if they aren't providing it i make it clear why i'm not interested.

 

it isn't just sex, it's exclusive sex and dating. if they are not willing to provide that then I ignore them.

 

I like your last three paragraphs!!

 

And I can identify, love a man to take charge, tells me what he wants, that is such a turn on!

 

I don't think you should chase either... that implies they are running away, so you are smart for not chasing in those situations.

 

But to me, a man taking charge also means him initiating and pursuing (within reason).

 

The woman should positively respond and reciprocate, and this is true for HOT women too.

 

The hot chicks you meet sound immature, self-centered, stuck on and full of themseves ... not all 'hot' women are like this.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl