Patsfox Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 So I stumbled on this site and noticed this is a common problem I tried to join a forum but it was from 2014 so I thought I'd start a new one. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and he is the most wonderful man I've ever known besides my dad. We were married in our late 30's so have both had experience with relationships. Everything is wonderful but we have no intimacy and have not had sex in like 6 months. When we were dating he was all over me but we waited because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I had in the past. Anyway we tried for a few years to have a baby with no luck so we were having quite a bit of sex then. Well now he hardly touches me and there is no passion whatsoever. I know he loves me and today he finally told me he is addicted to porn because I keep bugging him and asking what's wrong with me. I am in good shape and a good looking woman. I am so afraid we will get divorced. He said he will get help but after telling me this he's taking a nap and I'm all upset and trying to research this. I am too young to live like this All advice would be great. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Welcome to LoveShack. When we were dating he was all over me but we waited because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I had in the past. Understand your thinking but one advantage of a healthy sexlife before marriage is understanding sexual compatiblity. And now here you are. Anyway we tried for a few years to have a baby with no luck so we were having quite a bit of sex then. Baby-making sex can be different than the normal passion that otherwise sustains a relationship. Marriage counseling would be an obvious first step for the two of you. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patsfox Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 True baby making sex was like a chore a lot of the time. He showed me a book he bought written by a dr on this problem. He's very shy and too embarrassed to go to a dr so he said he wants to try the book first. Not sure how I feel about that but I guess it's something. As far as not having sex before we got married since he was so passionate all the time and wanted it I thought I was safe. Stupid me Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 When we were dating he was all over me but we waited because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I had in the past. So you guys really didn't have sex until you were married and then it was to make babies? This means that during that time of abstinence, he was probably masturbating to relieve himself of exacerbating the issue with porn at that time. It is a good step that he has confessed the problem to you so that you both can work on it together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 So you guys really didn't have sex until you were married and then it was to make babies? This means that during that time of abstinence, he was probably masturbating to relieve himself of exacerbating the issue with porn at that time. Agreed. Over the first several years of your relationship, you've had two sexual modes - no sex and forced sex. I'd be making a MC appointment tomorrow... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 You can try all of groups, counseling, blah blah blah or not. It's up to you. But frankly, after dealing with this issue in my marriage and still having intimate issues, not meeting even ONE person who got past this well: RUN LIKE F*CKING HELL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patsfox Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 So you guys really didn't have sex until you were married and then it was to make babies? This means that during that time of abstinence, he was probably masturbating to relieve himself of exacerbating the issue with porn at that time. It is a good step that he has confessed the problem to you so that you both can work on it together. So just to clarify even though it's embarrassing we did do other things so he was not neglected. I took care of him if you know what I mean. When we met he had a large collection of porn DVDs guess that should have been a clue. So I'm assuming this has been going on longer than he says. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 i would not panic about this. yes porn can be bad, and can desensitize him from having sex with you. but a LOT of porn is not about hot and sexy bodies, but instead about kinky attitude, kinky sex acts, and sexy clothing. I i were you, i would attempt to replace SOME of his porn watching with him watching you instead. Maybe you sit next to him as he watches, and you get to see what type of things turn him on now. Then try to do those things...those sex acts, that way of dressing up, that way of acting, role playing certain kinky situations. Have him set you up with passwords on his favorite sites so you can be involved too. it will require an open mind, and to not be too judgmental about it all. If you are successful, it should be obvious quickly, as he starts paying attention to you more, and is eager to see this new side of you some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Pollyannaslim Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 First of all, I am sooo very sorry you are in this situation and for your husband's addiction. I am very familiar with this, therefore I do hope I can help in some way! First of all, please know, that there is nothing wrong with you. NOTHING AT ALL. Studies have shown that pornography is a true addiction - scientifically proven to chemically change one's brain. A great source to better educate yourself and your H is fightthenewdrug.org where you will find several links and archived articles. Because a chemical imbalance IS developed, over time, the pornography addict is no longer able to connect on an intimate level with her/his spouse, among other things. I have been there and I KNOW how difficult this can be, HOWEVER, the more I read, I began to understand the addiction itself. I won't sugar coat it --This is a very difficult road, you both will travel - It's painful, setbacks are not uncommon,but with help and the support of others, you WILL get through this. And what I think is really wonderful and amazing? Your husband came to you. That in and of itself is a HUGE step in the right direction. So often one is in denial, will refuse to see and/or acknowledge the harm, and out of shame will keep it well hidden. Most are not even aware of the harm it is causing them or their spouse AND it isn't until they do begin to heal (or the marriage is nearly destroyed) that they realize the damage done. I cannot tell you - how THANKFUL I am you are both aware of the addiction. I hope to encourage you, that as your husband takes the steps toward recovery, that you too will consider IC. I feel this is important in keeping yourself centered. If you belong to a local church, it is my hope that you will also reach out to them. I know talking about this with your Pastor may be uncomfortable, however often times it is the strength, compassion and love of your church community that plays a great factor in defeating this. Many churches also host Celebrate Recovery - a national organization with various workshops/meetings that focus on different issues including addictions, etc. I will keep you in my prayers. Without a doubt, there is great power in prayer - God has the ability to bind up all of our wounds. If you need someone to talk to... I'm here and will help you in ANY way that I can. My heart goes out to both of you, but I KNOW that if you fight it together, you WILL be okay!! May God Bless you and heal your hearts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 And what I think is really wonderful and amazing? Your husband came to you. That in and of itself is a HUGE step in the right direction. So often one is in denial, will refuse to see and/or acknowledge the harm, and out of shame will keep it well hidden. Most are not even aware of the harm it is causing them or their spouse AND it isn't until they do begin to heal (or the marriage is nearly destroyed) that they realize the damage done. The OP didn't elaborate but telling your wife "I'm addicted to porn" and then heading off to take a nap doesn't necessarily indicate a willingness to address the issue. You're seeing the bucket as half-full, not sure they've purchased the container yet... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pollyannaslim Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 (edited) The OP didn't elaborate but telling your wife "I'm addicted to porn" and then heading off to take a nap doesn't necessarily indicate a willingness to address the issue. You're seeing the bucket as half-full, not sure they've purchased the container yet... Mr. Lucky I do have a "pollyanna" point of view about almost everything in trying to have a positive outlook. Some people deal with stress by literally shutting down physically. I guess that is why I didn't find the nap part all too alarming. I would imagine it was exhausting to carry that secret for so long, not to mention the strength and courage it took for him to confess. I have witnessed the same behavior in my H regarding some very stressful situations- and yes... until I realized it was his coping method at the moment, found it to be truly confusing. IMO, what takes place after "the nap," and OP's H committment to recovery and the support we can all show her is what matters most. Edited September 6, 2016 by Pollyannaslim 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patsfox Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Thank you so much Pollyanna for your comforting words and advice. I am also a Christian and have been praying for a long time to God to fix the problem. At least now I know the problem. It is so hard to not take it personal especially for someone like me who's always had low self esteem even though people don't understand why I do. I am glad he told me and honestly I don't know how I feel, just numb right now. There is a pastor at my moms church who I really like and I know I should go talk to him. I don't want our marriage to end. My parents were married for almost 50 years until my dad passed away last year and they still loved each other. I will check that site. Again thank you for being here for me. ❤️ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pollyannaslim Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Thank you so much Pollyanna for your comforting words and advice. I am also a Christian and have been praying for a long time to God to fix the problem. At least now I know the problem. It is so hard to not take it personal especially for someone like me who's always had low self esteem even though people don't understand why I do. I am glad he told me and honestly I don't know how I feel, just numb right now. There is a pastor at my moms church who I really like and I know I should go talk to him. I don't want our marriage to end. My parents were married for almost 50 years until my dad passed away last year and they still loved each other. I will check that site. Again thank you for being here for me. ❤️ You are very welcome and I meant it when I said I would help in any way I can. I am not certain how to go about contacting via pm - if you know how and wish to do so, - please don't hesitate. - P Link to post Share on other sites
Hannah24 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Well at least he has accepted the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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