Trust Issues After Dispute

[solemnsmile]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 10 months now with my once best guy friend of 3 years. I live in Canada and he in England (hes immigrating soon) It has been an amazing 10 months filled with ups and downs. We are honest with eachother and have unlocked pieces of ourselves - moreso than ever previously capable - through talking to eachother about our feelings and emotions. It is an emotionally intense relationship because we choose to acknowledge our negative feelings rather than ignore them.

 

My issue is this:

 

We went camping at an event with a horde of people in England and were having a lovely time - aside from my mild nervousness. I tried to keep it at bay because I wanted him to have fun. But I was in a new situation with new people and I knew how much he was looking forward to this event. So I stayed hush hush and let him know about my mild nervousness but nothing more than that.

 

I don't normally drink, but was having a good time and managed to drink more than I'd ever drank in my entire life leaving me quite incapacitated and goofy. Apparently throughout the evening I was telling my partner to go out and have fun and enjoy himself and I'd be fine (to which I recall nothing of) and so after a while he did. Leaving me to these two people I'd met the previous day. Somewhere I'd managed to get food and was sitting there eating at a table filled with practical strangers did I realise that he was gone and I began to panic. My rational thought at the time was "He's left me with a bunch of strangers at my most vulnerable moment." Furious and teary eyed I stumbled my way back to the tent in a jumble of tears and confusion. Unbenounced to my drunken stupor that I'd actually told him to go have fun without me. My mind told me that he'd abandoned me. I started crying like a goof in the tent when he appeared not 5 minutes after I arrived at the tent. I was crying and furious. Voicing that I felt that he'd left me at a vulnerable state and I was hurt and upset.

 

At some point through my confused banter he snapped and said. "I can't do this anymore. This relationship is to emotionally intense." He then voiced that he was reconsidering immigrating. Which then moved onto talk of breaking up once I left back to Canada. Which shattered me completely.

 

After the night passed he apologised profusely for saying those things because he didn't mean a word of it. I can accept that we are all human sometimes and I too get in states where I succumb to the darkness inside and say things I do not mean - so this is nothing new.

 

My dilemma: Something shut down in my heart when he said that. More-so than any other argument we've had. He's an incredible man and I love him dearly.. I just.. I haven't been able to start up that piece of my heart again because something inside says "He's lying. He actually meant all those things he said that night." And it's stuck in paranoid, depressive mode. How do I possibly trust after that?

 

I love him to bits... I am just scared. I've voiced all of this to him. So he knows my situation. I would love to hear others input. Thanks..

[bummer]

A bit of not-so-anxious male perspective here:

 

He is agonizing over the difficulties your anxiety brings to the relationship. He is trying is best but hit a breaking point when you seemingly melted down irrationally.

 

The push-pull you indicated by saying "hey, have fun" no wait "you abandoned me!" sends him very confusing signals.

 

I think it is superb you two have discovered things about yourselves together. I hesitate that yes, he wants to work on this, but a piece of him is shut off too. Just like you don't trust him fully, he knows deep down there will be future episodes to contend with and that scares him to some extent.

 

So, no magic overnight fixes or magic solutions, but if you can please continue to work on your own anxieties through therapy or self-awareness you will be doing both of you a big favor.