Odd Situation with Husband and In-Laws

[goldenlady]

I married a wonderful man several years ago. He is a great husband, a good provider, and a very hard working man. His family is very kind. Family means a lot to my in-laws and they insist on seeing us as much as possible. My work schedule sometimes conflicts, but my husband takes a walk to their house about once a week to have lunch or help around their house.

 

My husband and I are expecting our first child in two months and I know my in laws are more excited than I even am, lol. They have already stated they want to be a huge part of their granddaughter's life and want to babysit as much as possible, etc.

 

This is all good and wonderful except for two little things. First off, no one in this family drives. My MIL and FIL never, ever drove in the 65+ years. We live in a suburban area, so you can technically walk some places or use public transportation, though life is much easier with a car. I don't know how they were able to make it work raising two children, but kudos to them. They have claimed they could never afford a car. As my SIL and husband grew up, they never had a parent to teach them or a car to learn on, so thus, they never learned to drive either. Several of husband's friends have tried to work with him over the years, but apparently years ago, my husband wrecked a friend's car in a driving attempt and driving has made husband incredibly nervous ever since. Him not driving is somewhat of an inconvenience, but I honestly enjoy being behind the wheel instead of being a passenger, so we have made it work for the last 8 years or so.

 

Once we found out I was pregnant, husband said he would get his license, but as I only have two months left before our child is here and no progress since that conversation, I have little hope. I have offered lessons and have encouraged him to help me pick out our next "family car" as some incentive to no avail. He has told me he is already nervous to drive and can't imagine having our little girl in the backseat which would make him even more anxious. He hopes that when it's delivery time or in other dire events, we can rely on friends to help us. I am sure friends will help, but it sure is awkward asking for it.

 

Anyway, the main reason I am coming asking for advice isn't necessarily my husband's lacking of driving. My mother never drove, making my father the sole driver in our family, and somehow we made it work just fine.The thing I am upset about is my in-laws insistent on seeing the baby once or twice a week when I am the sole driver for this whole family. Maybe I will feel fine after baby, but I have a bad suspicion I won't feel like myself for awhile. Also, my baby will be very young during late fall and winter, and I don't feel comfortable taking her out besides trips like the doctor's office. Even if the weather was temperate (we live in the northeast), my in-laws are smokers (they smoke indoors) and I worry about bringing over a newborn into that environment.

 

We only live a couple of miles away from my in-laws, but they aren't in great health and cannot walk that far. I've thought about just inviting them over to our house frequently to appease them and telling them to get a taxi, but they recently complained that a taxi ride to the store broke their budget for the month. They often rely on their neighbors, friends, or me to take them shopping or to appointments. I suppose their friends/neighbors could take them over here, but seems like that would be imposing a lot on people too. I wish I could tell them that if they didn't smoke, they would have enough money for transportation!

 

So basically, I am looking for advice to handle this. Even if I have an easy recovery and weather is on my side, I don't want to haul my baby over to their smokey house once a week or more. On the other hand, I don't feel I should be obligated to go pick them up and bring them back to our house or for my husband and I to pay for their taxi fares to and from. I'm a first time mom, so maybe I am just making a big deal over nothing? I just don't know how to break it to them or even my husband that it is going to be difficult to keep up with visits a couple of times a week with a young baby. They seem to think we will be over at their house more often once the baby comes and they don't understand the inconvenience.

 

Please be kind- I know the situation, especially with my husband not driving, is pretty unconventional. I have had friends get quite nasty and demeaning with me over it in the past. It's a situation I don't love but can accept and hopefully work on with him over time. The biggest problem on my mind right now is handling the in-laws. Life would be so much easier if they could just drive over to our house and they could visit us instead!

[CarrieT]

I feel for you.

 

At the age of 29, I met and fell in love with a non-driver (and we lived in Los Angeles, which is not an easy community to be a non-driver like it is in New York or San Francisco!)

 

As I approached my 40th birthday - 11 years into the relationship - my bro-in-law and I did all I can to help my BF learn to drive. We bought him a cheap car. We gave him lessons. He was almost ready to take his test, but still struggled with the fear and whatnot. I was a professional wine writer and there was some resentment on my part that I didn't have a partner who could be my designated driver.

 

And then I was in a near-fatal accident myself and the breaking point for me was that he couldn't drive to help me. I had to take taxis to doctor appointments. The only grocery shopping he could do was what he could carry home. It became a huge issue for me and, frankly, a breaking point in our relationship. It was yet another thing he couldn't do in the process of needing to grow up and take on adult responsibilities.

 

I ended the relationship because of that and similar things that all equated to me having to be the heavy in the relationship, but I can tell you that now - a dozen years later - he STILL can't drive and is still limited by his inability in that regard.

[anna121]

First of all, congratulations.

 

This is your H's responsibility. I suggest you tell him that you love your inlaws (that much is clear from your message!) but that they seem to have unrealistic expectations about how often you will be able to drive them around for, at least, the first year after your child is born. It really is their responsibility, not yours, to figure out how they will visit you. The message needs to be that they are welcome, but cannot expect you to facilitate their travel.

[mrs rubble]

I'd tell them that baby isn't leaving the house unless she's going to the doctor, until she is old enough to be vacinated. I would also tell them that your baby will not be exposed to cigarette smoke until she's old enough to make that choice for herself. Nothing wrong with having a couple of ground rules, if they respect the fact that you only want the best for your child, they will oblige.

[bubbaganoosh]

Tell your husband that he needs to get his license because after you have the baby you might not feel like climbing behind the wheel.

 

It isn't a hard thing to drive and it's about time he starts.

[S2B]

Have them take a taxi. Or hire a weekly driver for them.