Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[Ahurtgirl]

I loved him with all my heart and believed we had a future together. However, that was not the reason I contacted. I made a huge mistake, take 100% blame for blowing up his life, as I never in the wildest dreams could have thought it would have turned his life upside down as it has. I never wanted to hurt him, not in a million years. I never told the wife anything about our relationship or any details. He buried himself as she demanded to know who I was and demanded to know how he knew me etc. When she asked what I wanted, I to her absolutely nothing. If I could go back in time, I would never have made the first call, let alone the second call to try to minimize damage as that was very much the wrong decision but at the time I was sure it was. I have lived and learned more from this experience than any other defining moment in my life. I feel like I betrayed him which was not my intent but that is what it is being seen as. If I could fix this in any way, I would. I am more sorry that a person can even imagine and I haven't been able to eat, sleep, barely function since this happened. It is absolutely tearing me apart and not sure if, or when I will ever recover.

[loveisanaction]

I loved him with all my heart and believed we had a future together. However, that was not the reason I contacted. I made a huge mistake, take 100% blame for blowing up his life, as I never in the wildest dreams could have thought it would have turned his life upside down as it has. I never wanted to hurt him, not in a million years. I never told the wife anything about our relationship or any details. He buried himself as she demanded to know who I was and demanded to know how he knew me etc. When she asked what I wanted, I to her absolutely nothing. If I could go back in time, I would never have made the first call, let alone the second call to try to minimize damage as that was very much the wrong decision but at the time I was sure it was. I have lived and learned more from this experience than any other defining moment in my life. I feel like I betrayed him which was not my intent but that is what it is being seen as. If I could fix this in any way, I would. I am more sorry that a person can even imagine and I haven't been able to eat, sleep, barely function since this happened. It is absolutely tearing me apart and not sure if, or when I will ever recover.

 

Ahurtgirl, you were in an affair with this man for 4.5 years, why on earth did you feel that it was okay to contact his wife to check on his well being? You even said it in your post that he told you that if you ever contacted her that you and him would be over for good...and yet you still did. You were with him for 4.5 years, you had his number, why didn't you call him if you were worried about him?

 

*Sigh*...Most of these married men are not looking to leave their wives, they are looking for something extra, something outside of their marriage. Those married men who are really going to leave their wives show it in ways that would be undoubtedly clear. There would be no confusion, no wishy-washy behavior from them and no red flags. If after 4.5 years he hadn't left his wife the possibility of him leaving was zero to none.

 

Take this as a learning lesson, stay away from men who are involved with someone else, nothing good ever comes out of it. No matter what they tell you-just say no.

 

If they're REALLY serious about you they will get divorced and pursue you once they are fully single and available for a real relationship.

 

Good luck...

[Ahurtgirl]

I did try to call him first. Numerous times. No answer. Knew he had been drinking. So made such a terrible decision and called her. I'd given anything to redo it and not had made any sort of contact. I am probably the safest affair partner now, not that I will ever do it again, but I don't care what the circumstance would be, I would never make that call again. I majorly messed up.

[Patrice]

He isn't going to leave, he lied to you and he got caught. Now, instead of taking responsibility for his role in reeling you into a 4 1/2 year affair, you are thrown under the bus. He's a creep, you just found out now. Take care of YOU. Screw him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did try to call him first. Numerous times. No answer. Knew he had been drinking. So made such a terrible decision and called her. I'd given anything to redo it and not had made any sort of contact. I am probably the safest affair partner now, not that I will ever do it again, but I don't care what the circumstance would be, I would never make that call again. I majorly messed up.

 

You didn't mess up. You found out the truth. You saved yourself 4 more years. 6 months from now you will understand my statement.

[Ahurtgirl]

Now that the affair is over, I know, as I always did that my AP was exactly the type of person I always wanted in my life as a husband. That was my dream and hope. He had all the qualities that made him perfect in my eyes. We had our ups and downs and our relationship was not the fairy tale affair story. We even talked about laundry and kids and how we would go about joining our families, etc. We got annoyed at times with each other, and I thought, when we had disagreements, we always found a way to discuss things and make it back to each other, but not this time. He feels betrayed as those of you who know my story understand. I will never get the chance to talk to him again. He is reconciling with his wife.

Since I am separated, I am not sure if I will ever find that type of man again. He was my everything and he made me feel safe and accepted, deeply loved, and more. Yes, he was a cheater and even though I no longer was involved with my spouse, I am too because I don't have divorce papers at this time. My xMM was perfect for me. So now what do I do? Is it possible to find another man who fits me that perfectly? Or do I just give up on ever being married to a man that loves me and accepts me for who I am?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is it possible to find another man who fits me that perfectly? Or do I just give up on ever being married to a man that loves me and accepts me for who I am?

 

Yes, you should give up on finding a man who fits you perfectly. That is Prince Charming and the stuff fairy tales - and affairs - are made of. We are all different people with different backgrounds, goals, values, interests, likes and dislikes. You should look for a man who compliments you and who you enjoy being with - a man who makes you laugh because we all get old, things break and don't look the same but a man who makes you laugh is worth his weight in gold. Look for someone with a good heart, honest, dependable and kind.

 

Of course you do not give up on being married to a man who loves you and accepts you for who you are. It is very doable.

[whichwayisup]

You grieve the loss and don't fret about future relationships. There are TONS of great men out there, just because you connected with him doesn't mean you'll never find another great (single) guy for yourself some day when the timing is right and you're ready.

[aileD]

It wasn't real.

 

That's why it was so perfect.

 

 

I'm sorry. You will find someone better.

[Poppy47]

If you never find anyone like him again, feel blessed.

 

What you thought you loved was not the real person.

 

Poppy.

[Forever broken]

I could have written this. My XMM blocked me from every angle. I can never contact him again even though am not going to. Is been a year since he walked away without a goodbye. I hear he's happy with his wife now, and their relationship is stronger. At least he's happy, but I keep sinking into depression each day. If I knew what I know now I would have never opened my heart to him.

[NewLeaf512]

He isn't going to leave, he lied to you and he got caught. Now, instead of taking responsibility for his role in reeling you into a 4 1/2 year affair, you are thrown under the bus. He's a creep, you just found out now. Take care of YOU. Screw him.

 

I concur!

 

What is bothering me about the turn the thread has taken in the last page or so is the double standard? The inference that some sort of "Mistresses Code" should be adhered to whereby the MM can act dispicably and subject the OW to all sorts of mind Fu****g but OW is supposed to take it in silence, dutifully waiting for a crumb, never complaining and never spilling MM any of the A's dirty little secrets, and when the MM dumps OW like she was just a wh*re, she's meant to slink away, showing no emotion, disappearing into the ether, keeping his secret forever whilst MM often isn't caught or when he is caught, (often multiple times) he mostly (as pointed out here in nearly every second post), MM gets R with BS, keeps his family, home, and all the rest.

 

I do not understand why the MM gets / expects this concession.

 

Lobe certainly said it best: A suck

[Forever broken]

I wish I could like your post a thousand times Newleaf512.

[beentheregotthetee]

I'm still in an affair, it's been three years; we are both married. He wants to leave his wife, I will not leave my husband. I wish I could end it, but it makes me happier than I've ever been in my life. From what I see, your AP is really trying to move on and you need to do the same. But you will not find the same passion or excitement simply because the "forbidden" party will not be there. What you will find is real love. Affairs are so much more complicated than we think. The hurt is very real.

[imsosad]

You are looking at this the wrong way.

You did not cause this,you triggered it. The end game would have been the same no matter what you did. He was not going to leave. He wanted to keep you on the side for as long as he could. Any type of Dday or ultimatum on your part would have had the same result: him unning o his wife and throwing you under the bus. All you did was force the issue and you got your answer.

You will never find a man like him?

I really hope you dont. What is so magical and perfect about a man who is capable of leading a double life for over four years and is capable of cutting off his AP in a flash? Do you not think it points to a shallow, cold hearted man?

I know BS must insist on NC and rightfuly so, but as painful as it is I think a man mourning his OW is better than a man who is just able to toss someone away in a heartbeat and say she meant nothing.

I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. He would have happily carried on with you for ten or twenty years as his mistress and drop you the second his wife found out.

This is not your fault. You just made it happen sooner than either of you planned.

It would have happened anyway,one way or the other.

[Ahurtgirl]

He had a very sweet side to him but he also would talk about how when he felt threatened in anyway, he was the type of cut people out of his life. I sort of figured this is how we would end some day because of his personality in that area, because he felt I was a threat to his kids anytime I would ask how soon he was planning on leaving his wife and his answer was always that she would have to leave him and that if I ever caused her to leave than he would hold it against me. He was very good at blaming everyone else when he would get upset about something. We were both literally screaming at each other on Dday and the following day of our final conversations. It just seems so ridiculous and immature looking back. Everything always had to be how he wanted things and if/when it was going to work for his life, the timing had to be when HE felt it was right, and so on. I realize now how selfish he was but I still loved him and still have feelings for him but I know that he is happily enjoying his wife and family again and hasn't thought of me at all and if any thoughts, he would be having negative thoughts of me. I just wish I could get past this soon and forget he ever existed in my life.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He had a very sweet side to him but he also would talk about how when he felt threatened in anyway, he was the type of cut people out of his life. I sort of figured this is how we would end some day because of his personality in that area, because he felt I was a threat to his kids anytime I would ask how soon he was planning on leaving his wife and his answer was always that she would have to leave him and that if I ever caused her to leave than he would hold it against me. He was very good at blaming everyone else when he would get upset about something. We were both literally screaming at each other on Dday and the following day of our final conversations. It just seems so ridiculous and immature looking back. Everything always had to be how he wanted things and if/when it was going to work for his life, the timing had to be when HE felt it was right, and so on. I realize now how selfish he was but I still loved him and still have feelings for him but I know that he is happily enjoying his wife and family again and hasn't thought of me at all and if any thoughts, he would be having negative thoughts of me. I just wish I could get past this soon and forget he ever existed in my life.

 

And with the bolded statement above you have your answer. He was never going to leave. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why do we believe those lies?

 

I'm pretty sure my 6.5 year A is over as well. We had another big blow out last night and he's not returning my calls. Works from home so a little difficult to pay him a visit. I'm numb now too. We'll get through this Ahurtgirl. We have to.

[Scarlett94]

I could have written this. My XMM blocked me from every angle. I can never contact him again even though am not going to. Is been a year since he walked away without a goodbye. I hear he's happy with his wife now, and their relationship is stronger. At least he's happy, but I keep sinking into depression each day. If I knew what I know now I would have never opened my heart to him.

 

My husband did the same thing when I found out. Dropped them without a word. All contact blocked. I always wondered how they felt about that.

[Ahurtgirl]

We feel very hurt by how it ends when the wife finds out and the AP cuts us out of their lives, but the hilarious part is that some of the wives feel like they won the competition of winning their husbands back and in reality, we (the OW) are the winners because we don't have to deal with their cheating and deception and lies anymore. Sadly, I did enough investigating throughout my relationship with my AP to know he had been in an EA with a co-worker for 2.5 years before he started the relationship with me and much of the time he was also carrying on on-line affairs as well. I still fell in love with him but at least I knew the truth as to his habits. She made the choice to remain with him and seriously, he told me she was a smart woman, but any woman who wants to stay married to a man who has shown his true self in this way, I do not feel is intelligent at all. I know that I am still hurting so miss him but once these emotions pass, I know I am the smarter one and the lucky one to not have to deal with his lies and deceptive ways anymore. I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

 

Don't strive for hatred, strive for detachment and don't wish ill on his family. You should feel sorry for them.

 

You will feel incredible hatred and anger for awhile, let it flow. But at the end it peaceful detachment. That is where you want to be.

[winterkeep]

Hi AHG, I feel you are being a bit unfair to his wife in your last post - who knows why she is choosing to stay - and frankly who cares it's their relationship and thankfully you are now free of it.

 

I think the others who said that you did not cause this are right, your actions may have unmasked his true nature but it was always there in the background; go back and read your posts you had plenty of red flags as to who he is (a complete dick TBH).

 

I doubt very much that he is going to go off and have an amazing relationship in which he cherishes his wife, it sounds as though he has a history of looking outside his marriage, he'll do it again. I believe the real reason that he's rejected you is because you have dared to step outside of his control and he sees you as a loose cannon now, I've no doubt that he will be blaming you for everything.

 

It's normal to feel as though you had an amazing connection with him, the unstable nature of your affair likely created a false passion which is hard to recreate in a normal relationship as it's frankly unhealthy.

 

You're so much better off without him.

[elaine567]

I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

 

Hate the MM all you like, as he is the one who did you wrong, but hating his family, what is that all about?

They are the real innocent victims here, why would you wish them ill?

 

btw "hating" may work in the short term to get you through this bad patch, but going through life holding onto hate is not a great strategy - it will just make you bitter and resentful as a person, and will seep into every aspect of your life.

[waterwoman]

...wish ill upon his family ...

 

Why? What did they do to you. This was your choice - they didn't make it happen

[Lois_Griffin]

We feel very hurt by how it ends when the wife finds out and the AP cuts us out of their lives, but the hilarious part is that some of the wives feel like they won the competition of winning their husbands back and in reality, we (the OW) are the winners because we don't have to deal with their cheating and deception and lies anymore. Sadly, I did enough investigating throughout my relationship with my AP to know he had been in an EA with a co-worker for 2.5 years before he started the relationship with me and much of the time he was also carrying on on-line affairs as well. I still fell in love with him but at least I knew the truth as to his habits. She made the choice to remain with him and seriously, he told me she was a smart woman, but any woman who wants to stay married to a man who has shown his true self in this way, I do not feel is intelligent at all. I know that I am still hurting so miss him but once these emotions pass, I know I am the smarter one and the lucky one to not have to deal with his lies and deceptive ways anymore. I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

While I agree that his wife is volunteering to eat a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches for the rest of her life by 'reconciling' with this serial cheating POS, I find it highly hypocritical that you're so quick to put HER down for doing what you'd do in a New York minute if he crooked his finger and asked you to come back to him.

[Cloudcuckoo]

We feel very hurt by how it ends when the wife finds out and the AP cuts us out of their lives, but the hilarious part is that some of the wives feel like they won the competition of winning their husbands back and in reality, we (the OW) are the winners because we don't have to deal with their cheating and deception and lies anymore. Sadly, I did enough investigating throughout my relationship with my AP to know he had been in an EA with a co-worker for 2.5 years before he started the relationship with me and much of the time he was also carrying on on-line affairs as well. I still fell in love with him but at least I knew the truth as to his habits. She made the choice to remain with him and seriously, he told me she was a smart woman, but any woman who wants to stay married to a man who has shown his true self in this way, I do not feel is intelligent at all. I know that I am still hurting so miss him but once these emotions pass, I know I am the smarter one and the lucky one to not have to deal with his lies and deceptive ways anymore. I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

 

I completely get the disappointment, and telling yourself whatever you need to is a rational part of placing blame squarely where it belongs. With the married man.

 

Married men in affairs have an inflated ego and a sense of entitlement that is often unrecognisable in their real life. Affairs are lived in a bubble that doesn't touch his real life until it does...then watch that bubble burst. You put a pin in that bubble and popped it for him.

 

Don't blame his wife for a situation of your own making, and wishing ill on her and his children isn't going to make you feel better other than momentarily because you'll have to live with those feelings too. She and her children did you no harm, and making references like she has no intelligence is actually mean, though your anger is misdirected but understandable.

 

She made the choice to attempt reconciliation with her husband because they have built a complicated web of family life and she's not prepared to just throw it all down the drain without at least seeing if there is anything to be salvaged and repaired, not because she doesn't have any intelligence! Out of the ashes rises a Phoenix. She can always leave if her efforts go unrewarded, she knows that.

 

From experience I can tell you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the other woman's jealous vengeance. It's extremely unpleasant. Particularly for any children involved. My husband scared himself when the reality of it hit him too. She hounded us for years afterward and ended up losing her Liberty at one time. Poor woman was demented after her four year affair with my husband ended.

 

There are NO 'winners' in an affair. None. The other woman thinks he's walking off into the sunset with a smug grin, skipping along holding his wife's hand without a care. Nothing could be further from the truth. He's blown up any notion of the life his family believed to be true. Now he gets to live through the consequences of his selfish choices. It is far from pretty.

 

Your anger is healthy, and though it might be misdirected will help you see more clearly and work toward a better future. One where you leave other women's men alone and respect yourself enough to allow an unattached, decent single man to make fabulous memories with.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you, so use the wisdom from this experience to build a good one.