Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[MidnightBlue1980]

I see from your other thread you now have more of a handle on the reality of your relationship, so use that info to lever yourself out of this.

I know it is a cliché but it just takes time.

Do not wallow, if you find yourself wallowing do something to take your mind off of it.

 

When I was bereaved a few years ago, I took up knitting because the person who died was a knitter basically, but I found it very helpful and now I find I had inadvertently stumbled into doing something that does help. Not only the act of doing it but choosing the colours and the fact you are making something all seems to be therapeutic and you can do it anywhere too.

 

Interesting about knitting. I want to add that weightlighting also works too. My H explained this to me, it was about my being upset over a work thing, but it works for anything - when you have a weight over your head, especially chest presses, your mind has to go blank and you cannot think about anything else but the weight, since if you are not paying attention, you can kill/hurt yourself. An hour later, you feel a little better.

[Beautywithin]

Beautywithin, isn't it amazing how they can walk pass you like you never existed? That's the part that bothers me a lot. A person I loved, made love to, shared secrets, fears, among others has become a total stranger.

 

 

Mine was Emotional not Psychical but it may as well been as it hurts just the same! i'd told him things id never told anyone and he promised me it would never be awkward as we work together!

 

it couldn't be any more awkward then it is now, its coming up to 10 weeks and he hasn't spoke to me, i see him every day, and have to hear him laugh and flirt, it breaks my heart, he don't even look in my direction anymore, how can you get so close to someone then they just drop you like that? his treating me likes his worse enemy, out of all this that is what has upset me the most how he acts like i don't exist, i guess it shows us their true colours

[Poppy47]

After years of on and off issues caused by the affair we had many nc sessions. Some weeks...some up to four months. At times it was me caving...sometimes him. NOT THIS TIME

 

I am healing now but it doesn't mean I don't miss him. I have found it is the conversation...thinking someone cares is what I miss. Not necessarily him. But I can't fuel the fantasy anymore. Dreams of him knocking at my door....choosing me...are over. It's been 3 month nowith NC....again...this time forever. I deserve better

 

Oceans,

 

It was the same with me for 8 years. There were half hearted attempts at NC but always looking at FB.

 

I have been 20 weeks NC now. That is absolutely NOTHING. He is a memory now. I remember there were deep emotions attached to him but they are fading rapidly.

 

Small things remembered from conversations with him, have helped to highlight the many ways he hooked me in time and time again. I had such a soft spot for him and enjoyed his company.

 

After 5 months, life is looking quite different with new possibilities. My confidence in being alone has soared and I am excited not heartbroken anymore.

 

Poppy.

[dreamingoftigers]

We are in NC and we will never talk again in this life time. It ended very badly. There is no recovering and irreversible damage has been done. I will pray for his family for healing and I will hope to find someone who loves me the way I need to be loved someday.

 

I don't say this lightly or snidely (no matter what the peanut gallery might think) but human beings are a little funny. I mean this in the sense that we don't tend to deeply love those who invest in us as deeply as we love those we invest in.

 

I sincerely hope that you find a partner worth investing in.

[ladydesigner]

we don't tend to deeply love those who invest in us as deeply as we love those we invest in.

 

I sincerely hope that you find a partner worth investing in.

 

Love this! So true isn't it?

 

OP I honestly think a majority of MM aren't worth investing in just on their boundaries alone and possibly personality disorder.

[dreamingoftigers]

Love this! So true isn't it?

 

OP I honestly think a majority of MM aren't worth investing in just on their boundaries alone and possibly personality disorder.

 

Well, that's the thing too.

 

They aren't "ALL IN" and investing. So as an OW, YOU are all-in and investing, while they waffle back and forth trying to figure out "what's in it for them."

 

And that just isn't love.

 

It's kind of like "faith without works is dead."

 

You can have tons of fluffy feelings for someone, but if you aren't investing in them and taking action to portray love and respect to them, then it REALLY doesn't mean VERY much at all.

 

MM DO NOT respect their marriages and dont respect the other woman to not drag them through their own personal garbage. (as a generality, I'm.sure there's that one MM who is ACTUALLY trapped and it really is a piece of paper). Without respect, even all of the fluffy feeling eventually evaporate.

[winterkeep]

Are you married? I didn't see anything in you posting to indicate you are but I'm not sure.

 

If you are married, never say never. Someday you may find yourself in an unfulfilling marriage and may seek relief in the arms of someone else. That doesn't mean you'd want to hurt your spouse or end your marriage but only that you need something more that it provides. If you can keep the two worlds separate, you may find some emotional peace.

 

I disagree Neoteric. I don't believe that anyone should be forced (financial, emotionally, religiously etc) to remain in a relationship in which they are unhappy but deceiving others for personal gain is a pretty terrible way to achieve emotional peace.

 

Regardless of if the betrayed spouse is aware of the relationship they are still being disrespected and hurt, every moment the wayward spouse spends with the AP is taking away from their partner and IS damaging. Read here, most spouses have an inkling that something is wrong in their marriage and try desperately to figure out what and fix it, its very cruel.

 

Unless the AP has complete emotional detachment (again read here, I can't think of one member who has claimed to be) they are being hurt as well. The pain on this site is palpable, I've certainly never seen anyone in peace.

 

I do know of people in open marriages (I could never do it!) who rely on honesty and clear boundaries to protect their feelings and those of the people they invite into their marriages, but what you're suggesting is very different. If someone is that emotionally ditched from other peoples feelings..well there's a personality disorder that covers it perfectly.

[Ahurtgirl]

I think for my xMM, he was alive in a fantasy with me and was secure in his reality with his wife. He would say that it was only because of the kids that he hadn't left yet and would tell me that he wanted a future with me once he felt the kids were ready (originally, he proposed to me with a ring when we had been together 7 months, but I wasn't ready and told him to wait but I accepted the ring based on knowing (or so I thought) that we would be married in the future. Looking back now, he obviously had some type of borderline personality disorder to even consider proposing to me while he was still very much married. I was going through a separation, but I should have told him to end his marriage and then once that was finished, that if he chose to come find me, that MAYBE I would consider starting a relationship with him. I believe he was torn between living with me in what he felt was a fantasy and the security he had with his wife because of his kids.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think for my xMM, he was alive in a fantasy with me and was secure in his reality with his wife. He would say that it was only because of the kids that he hadn't left yet and would tell me that he wanted a future with me once he felt the kids were ready (originally, he proposed to me with a ring when we had been together 7 months, but I wasn't ready and told him to wait but I accepted the ring based on knowing (or so I thought) that we would be married in the future. Looking back now, he obviously had some type of borderline personality disorder to even consider proposing to me while he was still very much married. I was going through a separation, but I should have told him to end his marriage and then once that was finished, that if he chose to come find me, that MAYBE I would consider starting a relationship with him. I believe he was torn between living with me in what he felt was a fantasy and the security he had with his wife because of his kids.

 

He doesn't read like Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

I find most MM are conflict-avoidant and often narcissistic.

[Lobe]

I find most MM are conflict-avoidant and often narcissistic.

 

Conflict-avoidant is probably the Number One common trait. Entitled, narcissistic, lost, confused, having a midlife crisis - all secondary to the fact that they would rather sooth their souls in fantasyland than deal with reality. The problem is that when the conflict avoidance is neatly wrapped up and presented to the AP as, "Well, I love you but I can't hurt my wife and kids," it sounds, in its own distorted way, somehow noble or honourable within the context of the affair. I'm sure that many a WS eventually believes their own crap lies about being a martyr trapped between two loyalties as much as the AP, when the truth of the matter is they just don't want to deal with being yelled at for being selfish or forced to pick and made to feel bad and sorry for themselves because they will hurt someone and not be seen as the good person they want everyone to believe they are... boohoohoo poor wayward spousies....

[whatever29]

Conflict-avoidant is probably the Number One common trait. Entitled, narcissistic, lost, confused, having a midlife crisis - all secondary to the fact that they would rather sooth their souls in fantasyland than deal with reality. The problem is that when the conflict avoidance is neatly wrapped up and presented to the AP as, "Well, I love you but I can't hurt my wife and kids," it sounds, in its own distorted way, somehow noble or honourable within the context of the affair. I'm sure that many a WS eventually believes their own crap lies about being a martyr trapped between two loyalties as much as the AP, when the truth of the matter is they just don't want to deal with being yelled at for being selfish or forced to pick and made to feel bad and sorry for themselves because they will hurt someone and not be seen as the good person they want everyone to believe they are... boohoohoo poor wayward spousies....

 

This describes my xMM to a T. Near the end he told me that he felt as he was being pulled in two different directions. Oh poor him...I told him there's no pull from me, I will say goodbye.

[Poppy47]

This describes my xMM to a T. Near the end he told me that he felt as he was being pulled in two different directions. Oh poor him...I told him there's no pull from me, I will say goodbye.

 

I can top that... xMM sent me a pic of himself photoshopped in half. He said that half of him was with me and the other half was at home!!

Number One Drama Queen for sure.

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

I can top that... xMM sent me a pic of himself photoshopped in half. He said that half of him was with me and the other half was at home!!

Number One Drama Queen for sure.

 

Poppy.

 

hahaha sorry but that made me laugh!! How STUPID is that!!! My xMM doesn't know how to photoshop so he just said that W and I share a 'number one spot'. Which was obviously not true at all and it was such a stupid thing to say

[privategal]

I can top that... xMM sent me a pic of himself photoshopped in half. He said that half of him was with me and the other half was at home!!

Number One Drama Queen for sure.

 

Poppy.

Oh .man, my xMM also sent me a pic of him cropped and I could see his wife's hand and arm around his but she was otherwise cropped out. What a prick. How horrible to cut out your own WIFE to send your pic to another woman.

Looking back there's just so many instances of that, I must have been a deluded low self esteem desperate woman to tolerate all that I did.

I own my part too but geez this guy was a class A Douche and I made excuse after excuse for him for years.

[anika99]

Are you married? I didn't see anything in you posting to indicate you are but I'm not sure.

 

If you are married, never say never. Someday you may find yourself in an unfulfilling marriage and may seek relief in the arms of someone else. That doesn't mean you'd want to hurt your spouse or end your marriage but only that you need something more that it provides. If you can keep the two worlds separate, you may find some emotional peace.

 

Seriously? On this board there is thread after thread started by OW/OM who are in great emotional pain caused by the affair. On the infidelity board there is thread after thread started by BS who are in great emotional pain caused by the affair. You think taking the risk of causing so much hurt is worth it so long as the cheater gets some relief and feels some peace? Even if the affair is never discovered the only person likely to be happy during the affair is the cheater. The BS will sense that something is wrong with their marriage and have anxiety wondering why their spouse is so distant and unavailable. Meanwhile the AP falls in love and starts their fall into the abyss of isolation and pain that comes with wanting more from a married lover. But all that angst and confusion experienced by the BS and the AP is okay so long as the cheater is getting what they need? That is incredibly selfish and narcissistic thinking.

[Ahurtgirl]

The longer time passes since the end of the affair, the more I realize how wrong we were to get lost in the feelings we had for each other. His family did not deserve having him betray them. I wish I would have been stronger for him in the beginning when he pursued me and have redirected him back to his wife and family.

 

I think as a woman, we are strong and can either lead a man to heaven or lead him astray. He was an amazing man whose wife did not deserve to go though this. If I could go back in time, I would have walked away the day after he kissed me the first time. I remember being absolutely shocked that he did that because we were both very married at the time and I had fully thought of our correspondence at the time as friendship only. Then he pursued me like none other and his irritation grew each time I didn't give in to his desires to be intimate with me. Being that his friendship was beginning to mean more to me, I decided to give in.

 

The rest is in the past now and I just have to learn to let go and let God heal me and help me as I miss him more than imaginable and long for his love, even though it was not for him to give me love. I'm thankful he is no longer contacting me, even though I have tried contacting him because I miss him, because his wife deserves his full attention and love.

 

I know it is truly what God wants and is the right thing for him to do. He has two beautiful children that can be very proud to have him as their dad. He will always be the love of my life, even though we can never be together. Praying time heals the deep wounds in my heart and that I can forgive myself and him for what we have done!

Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge threads

[William]

Folks, an update from the thread starter came in auto-moderated for some reason so I added some paragraphs, approved the post and merged the update into the existing thread.

 

I also noticed that the thread had slipped into general affair battling which is off-topic for this particular member's issue so we'll consider those battles resolved and get back to assisting the member in their personal milieu.

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[Ahurtgirl]

Is it okay to delete my memories of my xMM completely? I have saved everything from our first email correspondence, all texts, tons of pics he shared of his life, all the ads he posted that I found as he searched for new affair partners during the time we were together (yes, I was a bit of a private investigator throughout our relationship because I knew he had hooked up with a coworker at a convention two years before he meet me and continued that affair before meeting me which made me very aware that he had the ability to cheat again), the letters he wrote me, many saved voicemails on my phone, one of which he stated that he was going to figure out a way for us to be happy together and had proposed to me, giving me a ring.

[Lobe]

The longer time passes since the end of the affair, the more I realize how wrong we were to get lost in the feelings we had for each other. His family did not deserve having him betray them. I wish I would have been stronger for him in the beginning when he pursued me and have redirected him back to his wife and family.

 

I think as a woman, we are strong and can either lead a man to heaven or lead him astray. He was an amazing man whose wife did not deserve to go though this. If I could go back in time, I would have walked away the day after he kissed me the first time. I remember being absolutely shocked that he did that because we were both very married at the time and I had fully thought of our correspondence at the time as friendship only. Then he pursued me like none other and his irritation grew each time I didn't give in to his desires to be intimate with me. Being that his friendship was beginning to mean more to me, I decided to give in.

 

The rest is in the past now and I just have to learn to let go and let God heal me and help me as I miss him more than imaginable and long for his love, even though it was not for him to give me love. I'm thankful he is no longer contacting me, even though I have tried contacting him because I miss him, because his wife deserves his full attention and love.

 

I know it is truly what God wants and is the right thing for him to do. He has two beautiful children that can be very proud to have him as their dad. He will always be the love of my life, even though we can never be together. Praying time heals the deep wounds in my heart and that I can forgive myself and him for what we have done!

 

It sounds like you're finding strength and clarity to be the person you want to be now that the affair fog is lifting, but you need to stop stalking him. Is your separation finalized yet? What are you doing to take care of YOU?

[Ahurtgirl]

Ha... yes, I am done "stalking" him as of today and done begging him to come back. What made me decide to do that: Well, I actually read someones post today about how she is staying by her cheatings husband's side because he finds her trustworthy and she was proud that she has shown that to him throughout her marriage.

 

It made me feel sick to my stomach that a woman would want to be a rug to be walked over like that. My guess is she has no respect for herself yet I understand she is probably hoping he will change (he won't) for her childrens sake.

 

He was the one that cheated and he is the one unworthy of trust, yet he judged me as not being trustworthy but felt his wife was. I could never trust him after what he put his wife and family though (and I do take my part of the blame but he initiated this whole thing at the start and pursued me and was absolutely over the top in showing affection and love to me).

 

It just made me realize how manipulatives a man like my xMM can be. Seriously, if you met my xMM, you would never guess he had affairs with his coworker, myself, and pursued numerous online relationships. He is a wolf in sheep clothing. He made himself look to be a stand up family man, was part of a faith community, successful, coached his kids baseball teams, involved in a couple committees in the community, was close to his parents and his in-laws, etc.

 

SO with that, I will be working on giving myself time to heal. I feel like he caused me to lose my faith in men. I have no idea how I will ever trust another man, so being separated may very well lead me to a single life from here on out.

 

What I am doing for myself: Well, I guess I am just trying to heal. That is really what I will be doing from here on out.

 

I am thankful for this forum as it gives perspectives from all sides and has helped me immensely work through my emotions and gives me support in the frustrations and pain as I heal.

Edited September 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[Lobe]

Don't be too quick to assume the betrayed wife is a pathetic doormat - as desperately as you want your MM, she wants her husband. As much as she needs to trust him, you would have needed to trust him. As much as you wanted to start a life with him, she wants to continue. I'm just curious - do you see the irony of the AP calling into question the character or sanity of the BS? They are two sides of the same coin, both pawns in the married APs game and neither should be so naive or arrogant as to think they should feel sorry for or scorn the other because you both want the same man.

 

just throwing that out there...

[elaine567]

He was the one that cheated and he is the one unworthy of trust, yet he judged me as not being trustworthy but felt his wife was.

 

He most likely sees it this way.

 

She, is the innocent angel wife, the mother of his children, the woman who loves the bones of him. A very decent woman.

"Can I trust her? Yes implicitly?"

Marriage material? YES 100%.

 

Whereas

 

You, are the devious other woman who quite happily engaged in an affair behind his poor innocent angel wife's back. A woman who wanted to steal another woman's husband. What sort of a woman does that? Not a decent one obviously.

"Can I ever trust her? I don't think so"

Marriage material? NO.

 

That is why when the chips were down, he chose her and why so many MM choose the wife, if she will still have him, and throw the OW under a bus.

Hypocrisy, of course, rules big time...

 

Sorry you got caught up in all of this.

[Ahurtgirl]

I no longer want my xMM!!! I do see the irony of it from how I had been feeling but after reading what that women had wrote, I just have no respect for him. I do see where she would be coming from and was not attacking her decision, I just would not want that anymore. It is like a light bulb went on in my head after reading that. I'm thankful she is keeping him. He can disappear from the face of the earth and I will be just fine.

[Cephalopod]

Wow. Reading this thread has really given me an insight into how women think.

 

As an exBH I now understand what my true value was to my exWW. Zero. Thank you all for enlightening me. With that knowledge I can let go of a lot of misconceptions I had.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I do see where she would be coming from and was not attacking her decision,.

 

Oh I think you might have been just a little bit, and that's understandable.

 

Much like the betrayed wife blames the other woman sometimes.

 

Because it's more comfortable to deflect our feelings of stupidity in believing that this man couldn't possibly be capable of such cruelty and deception.(?!?!?!?)..

 

When we discover just how ridiculously huge our blinders were it can be a sour pill to swallow.....