Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[S2B]

Is it okay to delete my memories of my xMM completely? I have saved everything from our first email correspondence, all texts, tons of pics he shared of his life, all the ads he posted that I found as he searched for new affair partners during the time we were together (yes, I was a bit of a private investigator throughout our relationship because I knew he had hooked up with a coworker at a convention two years before he meet me and continued that affair before meeting me which made me very aware that he had the ability to cheat again), the letters he wrote me, many saved voicemails on my phone, one of which he stated that he was going to figure out a way for us to be happy together and had proposed to me, giving me a ring.

 

Yes, it's useful to delete everything.

 

It's also useful to search for a new job.

[elaine567]

Is it okay to delete my memories of my xMM completely? I have saved everything from our first email correspondence, all texts, tons of pics he shared of his life, all the ads he posted that I found as he searched for new affair partners during the time we were together (yes, I was a bit of a private investigator throughout our relationship because I knew he had hooked up with a coworker at a convention two years before he meet me and continued that affair before meeting me which made me very aware that he had the ability to cheat again), the letters he wrote me, many saved voicemails on my phone, one of which he stated that he was going to figure out a way for us to be happy together and had proposed to me, giving me a ring.

Personally I wouldn't as it may be very interesting to go back over all that stuff in your "dotage", when it is no more than just interesting and it doesn't hurt one little bit, but in the meantime I would just put it in a safe place out of the way and stop looking at it.

[Rikki67]

Ahurtgirl - I feel the same way. She can keep him. My xMM has lied to her, me, hell, the whole world. She still wants him. Go for it Honey!

He has cheated on her before, and he will cheat on her again.

I don`t want him anymore.

I tossed just about everything he ever gave me in the trash, the day it ended. It was such a liberating feeling. There are still a couple of things I kept, but they are out of sight. And when the time comes, I will toss that, too.

[Patrice]

I think the worst part of it all, is the injustice and the betrayal of trust. I had no DDay, and would never go there. Let him go on his way, and know I am done. I don't want him, trust him or want him to reenter my life. Take care of you, forgive that you were naive and trusted. Plenty of good people out there, who don't mess with your head and lie.

[Ahurtgirl]

I don't think I will be able to trust again. I have always been very guarded in who I let into my life and since I misjudged him as someone who was trustworthy, how can I trust my intuition anymore?

[ladydesigner]

I don't think I will be able to trust again. I have always been very guarded in who I let into my life and since I misjudged him as someone who was trustworthy, how can I trust my intuition anymore?

 

I have learned that even family cannot be trusted and now with my WH that even your own partner can't be trusted. I am not sure it is ever a good idea to trust anyone 100%.

[Kissproof]

I don't think I will be able to trust again. I have always been very guarded in who I let into my life and since I misjudged him as someone who was trustworthy, how can I trust my intuition anymore?

 

Dont JUST rely on your intuition, give people time to show their true colors. When you see very small cracks in a person's integrity and character don't invest in them. If a person is comfortable lying, being deceptive, living a double life or doesn't respect ethical boundaries, limit or eliminate them from your life.

 

Just think about it, a man that ACTIVELY pursues a married woman or single woman WHILE he is married isn't a person deserving of trust. If he can crap on his wife, disrespect her and put his penis in another woman, what do you think he really believes about woman in general? What do you think he believes about you? A respectable man will not expect you lower your moral standards to be with him and he won't lower his if he is worth having.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Kissproof

[Wade Lamare]

Hi AHG,

 

I think you mentioned earlier in your thread that you are (or were) separated from your hubby but co-existing in the same house?

 

I think you mentioned that you were able to talk to him about some of this and he was understanding and helpful?

 

On the face of it, from your description he sounds like a pretty good guy, is there no hope of rekindling something there? You must have had a connection at some point or why get married?

Was the separation well before your affair or impending affair? Often a crappy marriage is not the reason for an affair, the affair is the reason for the crappy marriage.

 

Although you are an OW, the way this went down has left you with many of the feelings of a BW and one of the sayings I've heard is that the quickest way to get over cheating old guy is to (sorry don't mean to be crude) get under new loving guy.

 

You say you can't trust ever again but it will happen, just give it time.

[Ahurtgirl]

I am separated and the reason there is nothing between us is even though it hasn't been directly discussed, good chance he is batting for the other team, so to speak. He is a good guy and does support me in finding someone new but we both realize our daughter needs both of us, so we stay in the family home and work as a team parenting. It actually works really well, but we both know there is nothing more than a good friendship between him and I (for obvious reasons).

[Wade Lamare]

So AHG, do you have a plan going forward?

 

I think your idea of ditching all memories of him is a great one, you do not need anything of this man going forward in your life.

 

I know it is easier said than done for you but you really need to take him off this pedestal you have him on and see him for what he is.

 

A man trolling online for multiple affair partners is not a good parent.

[Ahurtgirl]

For now my plans are to work on my professional life. I hadn't been focusing on career goals in the past three years so now I want to see where I can find passion in my work rather than in a relationship. I might try going back to college and find a new career path.

 

I don't have him on a pedestal anymore, or at least I don't feel like I do. I was reading yesterday about emotional manipulation that some men use to get their way, which can be them using their charm, excellent verbal skills, etc. The article fit my xMM perfectly. He once said to me that he always gets what he wants. I should have known that meant he knew how to manipulate people to get what he wants and it made me realize that the OW often times gets the bad rap in all this, but what really needs to be looked at more closely is how more often than not, a manipulative man find a vulnerable women and gauges how easy she is to charm his way into her life.

 

There really should be laws to protect the other woman when she falls into an affair with a man. If MM would be held responsible for the emotional harm that they cause to the OW by their manipulation tactics, maybe less of these very painful stories would exist.

 

I would like to find out how often OW are pursued by a MM during a time in their life that they were very vulnerable and did being in a vulnerable state allow a MM to lure them into an affair for their own satisfaction.

[MidnightBlue1980]

For now my plans are to work on my professional life. I hadn't been focusing on career goals in the past three years so now I want to see where I can find passion in my work rather than in a relationship. I might try going back to college and find a new career path.

 

I don't have him on a pedestal anymore, or at least I don't feel like I do. I was reading yesterday about emotional manipulation that some men use to get their way, which can be them using their charm, excellent verbal skills, etc. The article fit my xMM perfectly. He once said to me that he always gets what he wants. I should have known that meant he knew how to manipulate people to get what he wants and it made me realize that the OW often times gets the bad rap in all this, but what really needs to be looked at more closely is how more often than not, a manipulative man find a vulnerable women and gauges how easy she is to charm his way into her life.

 

There really should be laws to protect the other woman when she falls into an affair with a man. If MM would be held responsible for the emotional harm that they cause to the OW by their manipulation tactics, maybe less of these very painful stories would exist.

 

I would like to find out how often OW are pursued by a MM during a time in their life that they were very vulnerable and did being in a vulnerable state allow a MM to lure them into an affair for their own satisfaction.

 

There is a law if the person is under 18 or in a vulnerable position like patient, student, etc. but otherwise see it as a valuable learning experience in life. I do see what you mean, and of course, it would be nice if my mm had some consequences in his life for the hell he put me through but if you opened that door, every time someone got hurt in a relationship, well...the jails would be full. There is an element of personal responsibility. It is important for you to see that, and say "I am not a victim". Otherwise you will be like my xmm who blames his wife and myself for the affair and feel helpless in life. Own your power for all your actions, good and bad.

[Ahurtgirl]

I do believe in owning my part in it, however, I fully believed we were going to be together in the future. I would have never let him touch me or spent all the time I did with him doing everyday activities together, talking four to five times a day, constant texting, planning for our future together, etc., if I he hadn't promised me he would find a way for us to be happy together and seemed very sincere (tears, begging me to stay, promising we would be together) each time I tried to end it with him and tell him to go work it out with his wife. He kept telling me that he just needed more time to get it all figured out. I really believed we would end up getting married someday. I loved him with all of my heart. However, now it is all in the past and I realize much of it was him manipulating me saying what he thought he had to say to get me to continue in the affair. I think there are many view points to who needs to own what part of these type of situations and my guess is because the MM tells everyone what they want to hear or only sees part of the evidence, they form their own ideas as to what part is their responsibility.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Ahurtgirl

[Ahurtgirl]

It's been three months since d day. No contact. Things are so much better now. It is his birthday today. I know he wouldn't want to hear from me so I won't be sending him a birthday greeting. It's just hard. How did everyone else feel as your ex MM or ex OW birthday came after your relationship was over? Was it hard not to want to wish them well on their birthday? Did you miss them more that day?

[dogloverof2]

I just went thru all that with both my birthday and his. There was no contact at all for either one of us.. I was dreading those days for awhile. I think in the back of my mind somewhere I had a little hope he would reach out on my birthday. But he didn't.

I am now glad. It would have made all of my work and efforts of moving past this go right down the drain.

[AutumnMoon]

I've been in an almost 5 year affair and only once did we kind of take a break, it was over my birthday and I had kind of prepared myself to not hear from him that day. He was one of the last to get a hold of me, when usually he's the first.. So I kind of think he tried not to?

 

When you try not to think of something it sometimes makes it even worse. I thought of him that while day trying to push the thoughts away. He didn't wish me happy birthday until about 8 at night that year, within a week we were back in everything fully.

[Midlifecrisis1]

It's been three months since d day. No contact. Things are so much better now. It is his birthday today. I know he wouldn't want to hear from me so I won't be sending him a birthday greeting. It's just hard. How did everyone else feel as your ex MM or ex OW birthday came after your relationship was over? Was it hard not to want to wish them well on their birthday? Did you miss them more that day?

 

I just went through this 2 weeks ago. XMMs 50th birthday. Before we ended, he had said that he checked the calendar and was so happy his birthday would be on a Friday so he could spend it with me. I told him I would make it special. I asked him if he thought his wife would make him a party and he started crying and saying he wouldn't want a party when the most important woman in his life wouldn't be there. Anyway, I resisted the temptation to send a happy bday text. We have been NC for 3 months and I assume he wants it this way. My bday gift to him was to respect what he wants. The next day I was relieved. You will feel better tomorrow.

[spideywoman]

Yes, agree with Midlife, you'll feel better tomorrow. I went through this last year when xMM and i were on a break but still in contact somewhat since we work together. No personal contact, though. I was acutely aware his birthday was coming up. I wrestled with it until noon the day of _ shall I text, shall I email? Then I said to myself, why? What's the point? There was no point. All it would do is give him the upper hand, so to speak. For what? to get a reply back that would say, thank you? give him the impression that i was waiting on the sidelines? i also asked myself what my intentions were _ did i want to ignite things again, open the door? i decided i didn't want anything from him ergo no reason to reach out on this birthday. and i didn't.

 

since you had a dday, best to continue on your path to healing and let sleeping dogs lie, even in your head. pretend it's just another day. where i am, Nov. 15 is almost over

[imsosad]

Honey,you are going to get through today. It's hard for you because a birthday is kind of an ex territory, it might seem more legitimate to reach out, like it's not part of the NC sequence. Except it it. There is no reason to make contact. He is where he wants to be,with the person he wants to be with. Today is no different from last month or next week. You are on your healing path, stay on it and dont worry about his birthday. Hopefull, by next year, this particular date will barely register with you.

I get that today is tough, but it's a temporary setback, keep moving forward,you'll feel better in a day or two.

[Onlywhenitrains]

You are going to get through it. I know how you feel. I broke up with xMM 3+months ago, and that was 3 weeks before his birthday. I had the same thoughts about reaching out and sending birthday wishes text. But, I got through the day, and didn't do it. It hurt, but it was the first time after a long, long time I felt I'm about to start taking control over my life.

 

Looking back now, I'm so glad I didn't!

[Forever broken]

It's been three months since d day. No contact. Things are so much better now. It is his birthday today. I know he wouldn't want to hear from me so I won't be sending him a birthday greeting. It's just hard. How did everyone else feel as your ex MM or ex OW birthday came after your relationship was over? Was it hard not to want to wish them well on their birthday? Did you miss them more that day?

 

 

Honestly, I did miss him dearly and thought about him during his birthday. I had a necklace with his horoscope sign which I wore on his birthday and a couple of days after. Yeah sounds pathetic but I did.

 

Time heals all wounds, am getting better with it.

[Poppy47]

I went through xMM's birthday in August.

 

He sent out a smoke signal shortly afterwards but I didn't respond.

 

I remembered it but never thought of contacting him.

 

Poppy.

[Miss Clavel]

celebrate DDay! liberation day! rose glasses gone day!

 

let someone else be happy their stinkin cheater was ever born.

 

 

i was with the orphans the other day, driving them somewhere, and of course they were on the phone, when one of them says, "omg, it's daddy's birthday".

 

i didn't even remember.

[Ahurtgirl]

So much for the rule of one month per year of a relationship to be fully healed. Been over three months and the pain continues. 4.5 years ending extremely bad but had hoped by now I would be recovered. Not even close. It is much better than the first weeks following as for the nightmares have stopped but the part of my heart still being in love is so very much there. I never in my worst imagination could have thought I'd fall for a married man and how easily the entire relationship fell into place. I know this must be a learning lesson that God had chosen for me but in what way, I still have no idea. From what I have heard through word of mouth (since the one letter he sent which I did not reply to about how amazing his life is now), his marriage is on it's way to being the best it has ever been since his wife has chosen to move past it, like the Lion King moto "The past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it", she has chosen to learn from it and is now actually focusing on him and their marriage. She is no longer working 14 hour days and has changed jobs to a part time one less than a few miles from their home. She is doing everything to please him from what I have heard from a very reliable source. Yet, here I am, missing him so much while his life has all but became so much better. I hate to think that God used me as a way to save their marriage, but at the moment, that is almost what it is looking like. I'm thankful for a Gay separated spouse who is a good friend to me, but he really can't relate to what I am going through. I have found that for the most part, everyone really judges and the other friends that I have tried to confide in, now hate me because of having been involved with a MM, so that is just adding into the suffering. I feel like I have not only lost my xMM but also so many friends who turned on me as I looked for comfort. Why is it that the Other Woman is the one who suffers the most at the end of the these relationships? Please don't tell me my xmm suffered to, because in my case, that was not the case at all. His wife's first question to him was why he had the affair and what she needed to do to save their marriage. His wife has done everything to fix his life and he has also met her halfway to show her how much he loves her also. I feel like I was just a pawn in this all and he literally used me in some ways to save his marriage for over 4 years until they got past all the issues they had with her job and the kids being little. It just hurts so much to be broken hearted and how much I loved him was something I had never experienced in my life. Sex or no sex, I still love him as a person, and what he stands for and how much I respect him, even though I have no contact, surprising how these feelings are lingering.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So much for the rule of one month per year of a relationship to be fully healed. Been over three months and the pain continues. 4.5 years ending extremely bad but had hoped by now I would be recovered. Not even close. It is much better than the first weeks following as for the nightmares have stopped but the part of my heart still being in love is so very much there. I never in my worst imagination could have thought I'd fall for a married man and how easily the entire relationship fell into place. I know this must be a learning lesson that God had chosen for me but in what way, I still have no idea. From what I have heard through word of mouth (since the one letter he sent which I did not reply to about how amazing his life is now), his marriage is on it's way to being the best it has ever been since his wife has chosen to move past it, like the Lion King moto "The past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it", she has chosen to learn from it and is now actually focusing on him and their marriage. She is no longer working 14 hour days and has changed jobs to a part time one less than a few miles from their home. She is doing everything to please him from what I have heard from a very reliable source. Yet, here I am, missing him so much while his life has all but became so much better. I hate to think that God used me as a way to save their marriage, but at the moment, that is almost what it is looking like. I'm thankful for a Gay separated spouse who is a good friend to me, but he really can't relate to what I am going through. I have found that for the most part, everyone really judges and the other friends that I have tried to confide in, now hate me because of having been involved with a MM, so that is just adding into the suffering. I feel like I have not only lost my xMM but also so many friends who turned on me as I looked for comfort. Why is it that the Other Woman is the one who suffers the most at the end of the these relationships? Please don't tell me my xmm suffered to, because in my case, that was not the case at all. His wife's first question to him was why he had the affair and what she needed to do to save their marriage. His wife has done everything to fix his life and he has also met her halfway to show her how much he loves her also. I feel like I was just a pawn in this all and he literally used me in some ways to save his marriage for over 4 years until they got past all the issues they had with her job and the kids being little. It just hurts so much to be broken hearted and how much I loved him was something I had never experienced in my life. Sex or no sex, I still love him as a person, and what he stands for and how much I respect him, even though I have no contact, surprising how these feelings are lingering.

 

I just wanted to say, sometimes this is true. You are not alone in feeling like this. But - to give you hope, I don't feel like this as much, I don't really care like I once did. It's taken me a year though. Give it time. If you still see him, you must not, it will only prevent your healing. Are you getting divorced?