Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[Ahurtgirl]

Yes, I have definitely taken my part of the blame so I am very aware of my part in this. My exMM blames me 100% and has destroyed the little bit of self esteem I had in the first place. The fact that I haven't committed suicide since the end of the affair on d day is only because I have a young child. That is the only thing that keeps me here on earth.

[anika99]

Give it time. Remember that your husband more than likely pursued her just like he pursued you when you first fell in love with him (even if he claims she chased after him and makes her out to be a crazy bunny boiler) and she needs time to let him go as she too loves him. That more she is trying to keep contact, the more proof you have that she is also very hurt from the end of her relationship with your husband and also how deep her feelings are for him. Time will help her to let go. You are lucky he chose to be with you and can focus on working on your marriage. She is suffering with losing him and all the guilt she feels for all that happened and also struggling in her own married life of neglect and disappointments. Everyone suffers.

 

Why does it matter who pursued who and why should starswillshine care about the OW's feelings. The OW sure as heck doesn't care about hers as she is still trying to interject herself into the marriage. Yes everybody suffers, the the MM and the OW are the ones who created this situation, not the BS.

[Starswillshine]

Why does it matter who pursued who and why should starswillshine care about the OW's feelings. The OW sure as heck doesn't care about hers as she is still trying to interject herself into the marriage. Yes everybody suffers, the the MM and the OW are the ones who created this situation, not the BS.

 

I have moments when I feel empathy for the ow because I am a human being. But it very apparent she does not. She constantly messes with me. With ME??? Leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if this is a contest for her... just doesn't want me to win.

[Ahurtgirl]

I have moments when I feel empathy for the ow because I am a human being. But it very apparent she does not. She constantly messes with me. With ME??? Leave me alone. I sometimes wonder if this is a contest for her... just doesn't want me to win.

 

How does the OW mess with you? I guess that isn't something I encountered. I would have no desire to have any type of contact or mess with his wife. She contacted me this time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Remember that your husband more than likely pursued her just like he pursued you when you first fell in love with him (even if he claims she chased after him and makes her out to be a crazy bunny boiler) and she needs time to let him go as she too loves him. That more she is trying to keep contact, the more proof you have that she is also very hurt from the end of her relationship with your husband and also how deep her feelings are for him.

 

We can all empathize with the pain that comes from bad choices, especially for those people that seem committed to making them. But, at least for me, empathy is tempered by the realization those choices often come with as steep a cost to others as they do to you.

 

That's what missing from your post - I feel your pain but not your concern for the pain of others, especially the BW. Unlike you, she asked for none of this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

Give it time. Remember that your husband more than likely pursued her just like he pursued you when you first fell in love with him (even if he claims she chased after him and makes her out to be a crazy bunny boiler) and she needs time to let him go as she too loves him. That more she is trying to keep contact, the more proof you have that she is also very hurt from the end of her relationship with your husband and also how deep her feelings are for him. Time will help her to let go. You are lucky he chose to be with you and can focus on working on your marriage. She is suffering with losing him and all the guilt she feels for all that happened and also struggling in her own married life of neglect and disappointments. Everyone suffers.

 

With all due respect, you cannot expect the BS to care about how well the OW is healing. Reaching out to a WS who was chosen NC will not cause the BS to feel sympathy. The harsh truth is that the WS is focusing on rebuilding his marriage and not your hurt feelings. I'm afraid that you will have to work through your sorrow without the help of the MM.

 

There is no "luck" involved in a WS choosing to stay with his wife. It's a decision made for reasons which are not your concern. It's demeaning to start that cruel competition in the first place so the BS is not blessed to be "picked".

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, I have definitely taken my part of the blame so I am very aware of my part in this. My exMM blames me 100% and has destroyed the little bit of self esteem I had in the first place. The fact that I haven't committed suicide since the end of the affair on d day is only because I have a young child. That is the only thing that keeps me here on earth.

 

A hurt girl......I am not really sure why you posted here or what the point of this post was, except to obviously show the depth of your pain. I felt exactly like you do, he blames me 100% and know that I also tried to commit suicide over xmm, it was only because my H prevented it that I am here. If it is your child who keeps you here, that is enough. This is a serious thing and as someone who lives though it, it is beyond the support of an internet board. Please know that this too shall pass, I am happy I am alive and you will as well be one day, but in the meantime, if you have bad thoughts, you need to see some help in the outside world.

[Ahurtgirl]

My reason for posting this was I have seen many threads starting by BS asking if OW/OM come back. Also, in my case, my xMM had a 2.5 previous affair with his coworker before meeting me. However, his wife never learned about that affair. He was also very open with me about having reached out to his previous ex-girlfriends in college to see if he could reconnect with them and the entire time we were together, 4.5 years, he had online person ads to seek out yet another affair. So, if it wouldn't have been me, it would have been someone else. However, his wife believes I have been his only AP and thinks I lied to her about her husband having done any of that. I even have proof and my exMM freaked out when I brought that up and told her I made it up because he didn't want to look like a man whore. So before anyone judges me, look at the fact that I have not gone back to him and tried to shed light to the BS on who she is married to but she chose to believe her husband's lies over my honest truth.

[Ahurtgirl]

I fully believe my xMM will cheat again once everything settles down at his home since he had an affair before me and had online relationships going on while being with me as well. However, his wife will be clueless because she is choosing to believe his lies and he will now be much more careful in what he will allow new affair partners to know about him. He had started using fake names online and was lying about where he was from towards the end of our affair and I was able to track his email, so I knew it was him. I was very aware of his ability to cheat and could tell in how he was treating me when he had started yet another online relationship. So even thought I will never go back to him and he blames me for talking to his wife, I know the truth and she won't accept the truth, so it's hard for me to see her as being completely innocent in all this. OW do not come back but that doesn't mean he hasn't already or in the future start yet another affair, even though he is remorseful and trying everything to save his marriage at the time of discovery.

[HereNorThere]

So you knew all of this and still continued a 4.5 year affair with the guy? Now you're posting that he should be held criminally or civilly liable for a relationship you both took part in? Smh

 

That's a really, really long time so it's understandable that the wounds haven't healed yet. The thing is, you aren't really doing yourself any favors keeping this alive in your mind. You're still really mad and upset and its eating you alive from the inside. You need to figure out how to reach apathy and let this go.

 

It's not your business what his wife thinks or does. If you are a stronger woman than her, be a stronger woman than her. It doesn't sound like you're any better off than she is. The point is that she shouldn't cross your mind at all unless you're thinking about people you purposely hurt and what you can do to make up for it.

 

This is a time for you to grow and accept your role in this. Are you talking to a therapist? What is broken inside of you that allowed it to happen? Do you have intimacy issues that lead you to pursue people who are unavailable? Do you seek out abusive relationships? Why are you so upset with his wife? Isn't she the one who should be upset? This is like stealing someone's bike, riding it for 4.5 years and getting upset when they take it back. She didn't steal your bike, it was hers to begin with. Who are you to judge her if you obviously fell for the same jerk?

 

You've still got a long way to go before you're at peace this. In the meantime, there's no reason to trigger the betrayed spouses on here trying to deal. I'm not sure if you're doing it on purpose, but you're doing it. I'm sure it's hurtful to hear such utter disdain for someone who is an innocent victim like themselves.

 

I know it's painful, but don't let this man rob you of one more ounce of your sanity. You will look back one day and be ashamed you let him get to you like this. He's not worth it and you know it. Grow, be a better person, counsel your friends and try to stop others from hurting people. Repay your debt to the Universe and be grateful for a chance to have a real, meaningful relationship with someone who isn't this guy.

Edited December 24, 2016 by HereNorThere

[mikeylo]

Duh! If the AP is that concerned about the BS, why did they participate in an affair with their spouse in the first place ? Even if you entered one, ' innocently ', then why did you continue for so long?

 

People make mistakes, granted. But a person with ethics and morals realizes the consequences and doesn't cross the line. The risk of losing the person who trusts you ,is too much.

 

I don't understand the point of this thread!

[ShatteredLady]

I know the truth and she won't accept the truth, so it's hard for me to see her as being completely innocent in all this. OW do not come back.....

 

PLEASE, please stop this! His wife is COMPLETELY innocent! OW FREQUENTLY break NC & comeback again & again & again!!

 

My husband's ex mistress "came back" a couple of times a year (at least) for over 12 YEARS!! Our situations as BS's are all different but the agony resounds with all of us.

 

I've followed your story & I know that you are hurting now. If you work to heal yourself & move on with your life it will fade & pass. Most innocent BS can't say the same. They are forever changed even if reconciliation is possible for them.

 

My older brother did take his own life because of infidelity. It would have been his birthday last week. He was my only sibling. I feel very alone. You are triggering people by having this unnecessary argument.

 

We all make choices in life. Some good, some very bad. Infidelity removes choice from a BS's life. Please have some empathy for the woman you devastated with your life choices.

[minimariah]

My reason for posting this was I have seen many threads starting by BS asking if OW/OM come back.

 

most OWs/OMs DO come back, actually; most MMs/MWs try to reconnect with their other person at some point and that other person almost always responds. that's why the typical affair usually has at least ONE break up. your example is unique & can't be turned into a generalization that will be true for everyone... which is what you're trying to do. you'll move on once you stop thinking of yourself as a victim.

[Ahurtgirl]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage. The man I am seperated from is gay. I have learned that I'd rather be alone then get hurt again.

I try to offer hope to others or at least share my experience so others can either relate or find comfort in knowing of yet another situation.

[goodyblue]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage. The man I am seperated from is gay. I have learned that I'd rather be alone then get hurt again.

I try to offer hope to others or at least share my experience so others can either relate or find comfort in knowing of yet another situation.

 

Hey.

 

I don't think these posters are trying to attack you. I get where you are. But you can't really expect BS to be receptive to this. I understand that OW are in pain, for us it is not an affair but simply the man we love and us not understanding why their words don't match their actions. For BS it is the ultimate stab in the heart. I never understood until I was m to the man of my dreams, if he cheated or left me I would die.

 

I have always said I think BS should be responsible for her failings in the M, but the majority of blame goes on MM. It won't help OW to try and reassure BS. They need that reassurance from their WS and they need OW GONE. and g that is fair if MM stays M.

[minimariah]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever.

 

here is the thing... you see what you want to see. and you can't be objective at this point - which is understandable. what i see, for example... & assume others do, too... you think you're the only one who got out of this situation hurt. somehow, you hold the BS accountable for not wanting to believe you because (obviously) her perception of her husband does not match yours. you're putting ALL the blame on the MM and not helping yourself at all because it only makes you feel more like a helpless victim; it is your life. and you are the one living it and YOU are the one in control. when you accept that, arguments such as these:

 

I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage.

 

will sound silly to you. you made a really bad call, bad judgement and that is on you. and it's okay. you're human, you'll make mistakes.

 

I try to offer hope to others or at least share my experience so others can either relate or find comfort in knowing of yet another situation.

 

i think you need to focus on YOU first. dig deep, sort yourself out, seek counseling if needed and re-focus on your life. and block his BS's number and do not interact with any of them - time to move on.

[HereNorThere]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage. The man I am seperated from is gay. I have learned that I'd rather be alone then get hurt again.

I try to offer hope to others or at least share my experience so others can either relate or find comfort in knowing of yet another situation.

 

I don't discount your pain and specifically said so in my post. Most of the people here, maybe all of the people here, have experienced a broken heart. One of my exs admitted to me that she was an OW before we dated and I know for certain she is a good person. It was the typical story, more successful colleague in her field started mentoring her, moved to texting, you know the rest.

 

She was deeply remorseful for what she had done. She even made the comment that the connection between her and I made her feel even worse because she realized how hurt she would be if I did that to her. Delayed empathy, but it was there. She just needed to be further away from the situation before she could see it. She couldn't even look at the BS's Facebook without crying. She worried about his kids and what could have happened to them. Her greatest fear was him moving on to another vulnerable girl and hurting her the same way. She had to truly get over MM before she began forgiving herself and taking accountibility for actions.

 

This girl was no "bunny boiler" either. She went to prestigious medical school, top honors, excelled at everything she did. Very quiet and introverted and definitely not someone you would expect to be involved in an illiticit relationship.

 

There's something about these kind of relationships that get deep into your psyche. The artificial longing created when the person you want isn't available to you creates an obsessive state. One day you'll look back yourself and think "wow, did I go full Kanye?" And yeah, you did, you are right now. It's time start healing and let go of some the pain and anger for your own good.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your ex husband. I'm sure the hurt from situation has rippled through your life and left nothing untouched. It's horrible, wrong, unfair, but the best part is that it's over. You have something right now that most people could only dream about. You have a CHANCE. A chance to get your life right, meet new friends, better yourself, and find someone who will truly commit to you. You've settled for so long on these flaky, abusive guys that you've forgotten how good it feels to be with an amazing one. Get yourself to therapy, work on what you need to work on and get out there and take that chance. Don't waste one more damn minute thinking these toxic men and press forward. Get better, come back to loveshack, and help other OW deal and get out of their abusive situations. Join us on the dating forum and share your awkward online dating stories with us. We'll be waiting for you there!

Edited December 24, 2016 by HereNorThere

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't discount your pain and specifically said so in my post. Most of the people here, maybe all of the people here, have experienced a broken heart. One of my exs admitted to me that she was an OW before we dated and I know for certain she is a good person. It was the typical story, more successful colleague in her field started mentoring her, moved to texting, you know the rest.

 

She was deeply remorseful for what she had done. She even made the comment that the connection between her and I made her feel even worse because she realized how hurt she would be if I did that to her. Delayed empathy, but it was there. She just needed to be further away from the situation before she could see it. She couldn't even look at the BS's Facebook without crying. She worried about his kids and what could have happened to them. Her greatest fear was him moving on to another vulnerable girl and hurting her the same way. She had to truly get over MM before she began forgiving herself and taking accountibility for actions.

 

This girl was no "bunny boiler" either. She went to prestigious medical school, top honors, excelled at everything she did. Very quiet and introverted and definitely not someone you would expect to be involved in an illiticit relationship.

 

There's something about these kind of relationships that get deep into psyche. The artificial longing created when the person you want isn't available to you creates an obsessive state. One day you'll look back yourself and think "wow, did I go full Kanye?" And yeah, you did, you are right now. It's time start healing and let go of some the pain and anger for your own good.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your ex husband. I'm sure the hurt from situation has rippled through your life and left nothing untouched. It's horrible, wrong, unfair, but the best part is that it's over. You have something right now that most people could only dream about. You have a CHANCE. A chance to get your life right, meet new friends, better yourself, and find someone who will truly commit to you. You've settled for so long on these flaky, abusive guys that you've forgotten how good it feels to be with an amazing one. Get yourself to therapy, work on what you need to work on and get out there and take that chance. Don't waste one more damn minute thinking these toxic men and press forward. Get better, come back to loveshack, and help other OW deal and get out of their abusive situations. Join us on the dating forum and share your awkward online dating stories with us. We'll be waiting for you there!

 

This is just such a great post and you are so right about the Kayne reference and looking backwards, thinking, WTF was I thinking????

 

You talk a lot about how these things impact your brain chemistry and it is dead on correct. I've never taken coke but I have friends that got addicted; I've heard it hits the same brain cells, affairs=coke, and I believe it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage.

 

There's about seven levels of irony in those three sentences. First and foremost, as the OW you're the very agent of the changes you lament. Can't say the same for the BS.

 

And secondly, if you cherish marriage enough to make it a goal, seems strange you'd violate both yours and his to get there.

 

Not sure why, at this point, you'd be focused on anyone other than yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[eye of the storm]

When you are injured and in pain, very few people are able to acknowledge others pain. They are only focused on their own.

 

Ahurtgirl, you are in pain. But you are not helping yourself heal, grow and move on if all you do is blame the MM and not fully admit your portion of it.

 

You are blame shifting all of this on the MM. He didn't have the A by himself. How are you not going to repeat your behavior if you don't recognize what you chose to do?

 

And you like to say OWs won't go back. But, many do. I did. Multiple times.

 

I was a BS, then became an OW. The pain from my A ending hurts so badly, but I chose to take the action that resulted in my pain. When I was a BS, I did nothing to deserve it.

 

Blaming the MM teaches you nothing. Acting like a victim teaches you nothing.

 

Actions have consequences. Accept yours, learn, heal, and move on.

 

I hope you find peace this holiday season.

[sandylee1]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage. The man I am seperated from is gay.

 

And you continued to believe that nonsense for 4 5 years? A married man promising you marriage, while still very much living with his wife

 

I think your naivety must have been very easy to take advantage of, but here's the thing. .... men (and some women), married or not are the type to take advantage of others.

 

That's life.

 

And as I always say .... no man is worth ending your life for. My good friend jumped from her apartment building because of a man many years ago now. She was such a bright and bubbly person, but her she was broken hearted

 

It pains me when I drive by there.

 

Don't ever think about taking your life ... just don't.

[ShatteredLady]

I realize that I've been through so very many monumental, life changing experiences in the last couple of years. They have resurrected many ghosts from the past. Mostly they were things that I couldn't possibly have any control over. Nothing I could do about my health or mourning the loss of loved ones etc so I focused on my husband's betrayal of me. Everything became about that!

 

Maybe, if you work hard to exorcise your demons you will gain some perspective. You chose to waste a few years of your life on a serial womanizer who broke your heart. Many know what that's like! At the end of the day it's no reason to stop trusting half of the population! It does however take time & work to move-on from.

 

I truly hope that you will live & learn. One day you will see how mistaken you are in many of your statements here....the others? I sincerely hope you will never experience that kind of devastation.

 

I have, like most, never known what it's like to learn the truth of a marriage like yours. I can't imagine that pain & loss. You're dealing with so very much at this time in your life.

 

Please prioritize your own healing & growth. I choose to believe that your motives in starting this post were filled with good intent but very misplaced.

 

Many of the members of LS are trying to deal with so very much pain. May 2017 bring closure, contentment & newfound joy & optimism to us all.

[elaine567]

And you like to say OWs won't go back. But, many do. I did. Multiple times.

 

Agreed.

Some never even go away, Dday happens and they carry on with the affair regardless, they both just take a little more care that they do not get caught again. We have had many OWS say that "The wife thinks we are over but he is over here just the same as always." Some people in affairs even plan for dday, or an overly suspicious BS - they devise a code to alert the other and then adopt a contingency plan

False reconciliation is not that rare.

 

The difference here with the OP is that her MM ended it as soon as his wife found out, so there is no opportunity for her to go back even if she wanted to. He probably feels he has too much to lose by keeping her around.

It hurts massively.

Here he was future faking as if his life depended on it and when it came down to the wire, he reneged and chose his wife... Not an uncommon story either, unfortunately.

[dreamingoftigers]

It is good of you to not go back to him if he were to ask.

 

He used you once, there's no good reason he wouldn't try again.

 

Once someone has crossed that boundary outside their marriage for YEARS, it's pretty unbelievable that they would automatically reign themselves in.

 

With my husband, I would ask him why he wouldn't cheat again vs. Why he would

[waterwoman]

1. Yes, they do. Read on here long enough and you will see that many do, probably as many as the MM that ask them to.

2. The BS and her marriage are not your problem.

3. Let it go. It's Christmas and there is so much else to care about today.

 

Here's hoping you have happiest Christmas possible and start to heal soon xx