Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[Ahurtgirl]

So my very happily xMM apparently has a wife that waited to show her crazy side since she found out about us via a d day. She called me again. She has also began stalking me on the internet. I sort of figured she would at some point. Just relating this as a word of caution who are ever considering an affair. Be aware of how this may follow you and how the best thing to do is the never allow yourself to fall in love with a married person. I tried walking away many times at the beginning and his words and over the top affection kept brimging me back. Now here I am wishing I could just go back in time and to have never answered his personal ad that I never wanted to answer but was done as a joke. Bad idea. I had no clue what an innocent email would turn into. Sigh.

[sandylee1]

What has she done that's crazy? Has she harrased or harmed you in any way? Because if she's just looking at your online stuff, that's very normal for BWs.

 

It's curiosity ....seeing what it is about you that made her husband stray. Comparing herself to you.

 

All those things are normal. Until you have your husband commit adultery, you'll never fully appreciate the feelings that the betrayed spouse suffers.

[imsosad]

What do you regard as crazy?

Looking at your social media?

Many OW admit on this board that they look at BW's FB or whatever. Didn't you ever look at hers during the affair?

Affairs bring out the worst in everyone.

[BuddyX]

And how does this effect you? It should not matter. In fact it indicates you were involved with a crazy couple (if she's crazy and he's sticking around what does that make him?).

 

It's time to stop wasting time on MM and his spouse and focus on you.

[waterwoman]

That isn't really crazy is it?

 

She has reached the point I am sure all BS reach where what we have been told isn't enough and we try to find answers. Perfectly logical to ask you for them but no reason you have to give them if you don't want to. But not crazy.

[whichwayisup]

His wife isn't crazy, she's reacting to what you and her husband have done to her. Accept this as part of the fallout by choosing to have an affair with a MM. Consequences can come back and bite hard.

 

Ignore, don't react. Lock down all your social media and try to look forward.

[Joie]

Totally normally. I looked at my husband's OW's social media constantly for months. I figured if she slept with my husband the least I could do was look at her facebook account. It took meds and therapy for me to finally acknowledge that it was productive for me. Not crazy just emotionally gutted. There is a difference.

[goodyblue]

I am a little confused. Why is that crazy? We, as OW, have done the same and what it's worse is we probably tore down his wife when we did it. You know, made fun of the woman he stayed with.

 

You have to let this go. Srsly. I know it isn't easy but it is time.

 

Hang in there.

[Chica80]

Why is she crazy? Her husband had an A for more than 4 years? You said yourself he's had other A. And also other partners while with you. Of course she's "crazy". Anyone would be after all of that.

 

You already gave her information, right? Then you told her what she needed to know. Whatever happens now is between them. Block her and move on.

 

How do you know someone is looking at your social media?

[Joie]

 

How do you know someone is looking at your social media?

 

I always wonder how people know this. I have no idea who is looking at my social media.

[goodyblue]

I always wonder how people know this. I have no idea who is looking at my social media.

 

Same. . .

[Ahurtgirl]

You can tell if someone has viewed your social media sometimes by email alerts the app or website sends you and also some actually show you who has viewed your page or comments. For instance, LinkedIn shows you on the side of the page who has viewed your profile, etc. It shows their name, pic, etc that is on their profile.

[Ahurtgirl]

What do you regard as crazy?

Looking at your social media?

Many OW admit on this board that they look at BW's FB or whatever. Didn't you ever look at hers during the affair?

Affairs bring out the worst in everyone.

 

I never looked into if she had any social media out there or not. He made it very clear that he didn't love her, was very unhappy, and was planning on marrying me, so I had no reason to compare myself to her or care to know anything about her. I worried more about the other women he pursued but he always reassured me that I was the one he loved. He did a complete 180 on d day.

[Ahurtgirl]

I notice more often than not, that once the affair is over, many affair partners want to stay in their marriages and work on reconciliation. I guess because I was married to someone who never acknowleged me or showed any type of affection, I can't even imagine wanting to do that, even if he hadn't came out as a gay years into our marriage. We never had biological kids (adopted only) so there was never a bond due to children and my affair partner was the first man I ever knew that desired me, was affectionate, loving, and so many more amazing qualities (other than being a serial cheater). I had only dated and been with my husband for my entire life until meeting my xMM.

Why do some of you chose to go back to your spouse? Did you actually love them at one point or what drew you back?

[Hummingbird29]

I never understood this either. I think most cheaters are conflict-avoidant so they just think it's easier to stay put. Especially if their AP dumps them. I finally let mine go a week ago and after he begged and stalked me for three days, it stopped. I'm sure now he will play perfect husband and go back to the wife he told me he hadn't loved for 7 years. She caught us several times but always takes him back. I guess we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. But it is odd to me as well. A week ago he left and stayed at his mom's for one night. The next day he was back home. It just hit me like the huge reality check I needed. They just rarely ever leave and if they do a bunch of them go running back. I can't wait for the day when I don't even think about the why's anymore.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I notice more often than not, that once the affair is over, many affair partners want to stay in their marriages and work on reconciliation. I guess because I was married to someone who never acknowleged me or showed any type of affection, I can't even imagine wanting to do that, even if he hadn't came out as a gay years into our marriage. We never had biological kids (adopted only) so there was never a bond due to children and my affair partner was the first man I ever knew that desired me, was affectionate, loving, and so many more amazing qualities (other than being a serial cheater). I had only dated and been with my husband for my entire life until meeting my xMM.

Why do some of you chose to go back to your spouse? Did you actually love them at one point or what drew you back?

 

My experience will not help you as you are obviously looking to understand your xmm - I am a woman and my affair was short. But I'll answer your question.

 

I always loved my husband, we just grew apart and did not pay attention to our marriage or each other. The affair was just a symptom of the problems within our marriage, of course the problems within me. He's my best friend, the man who has always loved me and fought for me, he treats me well. We have a family together, a life, a future. He is a good man and I lucky to have him. Our marriage is so much more open and honest today. A year of recovery forced us to spend tons of time talking which has brought us so much closer today.

 

Most people will probably say similar things.

[sandylee1]

I never looked into if she had any social media out there or not. He made it very clear that he didn't love her, was very unhappy, and was planning on marrying me, so I had no reason to compare myself to her or care to know anything about her. I worried more about the other women he pursued but he always reassured me that I was the one he loved. He did a complete 180 on d day.

 

You do realise this was a load of lies now don't you though.

 

Have you thought for a moment what stories he has told her about you? If you believed his lies, maybe she does too.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You do realise this was a load of lies now don't you though.

 

Have you thought for a moment what stories he has told her about you? If you believed his lies, maybe she does too.

 

This.

 

I definitely believe that about xmm. After all, he lied to me a lot and I believed him and barely saw him. She is living with him, imagine the control and the power in person. Plus - if the OW feels upset because she loves the MM, imagine how the wife feels? It has to be tenfold. It's obviously a surprise and it is her husband. He belongs to her.

 

I told myself that a lot this year and it's true. A lot of women here wonder why the wife doesn't leave. She loves him. So she gives him another chance.

 

Afterall, I did not let my own husband go. He's mine.

[elaine567]

A lot of women here wonder why the wife doesn't leave. She loves him. So she gives him another chance.

 

She also loves her kids and doesn't want their lives disrupted. She loves her house, her garden, her pets, her neighbours, her social circle, her business... etc. She loves being a married woman, it gives her status. She doesn't want flung back on the dating scene, she doesn't want to be the "single woman" or the "divorcee" at dinner parties, weddings and funerals...

 

She, as a married woman, has much to lose. She weighs up the advantages vs the disadvantages and sometimes the marriage, even with a cheating husband wins out. I guess not every reconciled wife is madly in love with her cheating husband, she may indeed hate him, but the marriage survives as it is after all beneficial to both.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She also loves her kids and doesn't want their lives disrupted. She loves her house, her garden, her pets, her neighbours, her social circle, her business... etc. She loves being a married woman, it gives her status. She doesn't want flung back on the dating scene, she doesn't want to be the "single woman" or the "divorcee" at dinner parties, weddings and funerals...

 

She, as a married woman, has much to lose. She weighs up the advantages vs the disadvantages and sometimes the marriage, even with a cheating husband wins out. I guess not every reconciled wife is madly in love with her cheating husband, she may indeed hate him, but the marriage survives as it is after all beneficial to both.

 

This is really true. It's all really true, word for word.

 

Now there is a difference between a chronic cheater who puts his wife through years of living agony and a guy who made a mistake because he had a midlife crisis/mommy issues/pissed at his wife or just succumbed to attention, flattery and someone new. Personally I would not be with someone I hated but that is just me.

 

What was interesting was every single female friend (the lone exception, my MIL) told me to separate and divorce and every male friend told me to stay and work it out.

 

Staying is the new shame.

[Lady2163]

TO make a very long story short, my 4.5 year affair has come to an abrupt end due to my contacting the wife to check on the safety of my affair partner. Then I was asked if he could share my phone number to have her contact me if she wished, which I did agree to, but after thinking about it, decided to contact her first since she was obviously already knowing about our involvement (or at least I thought so based on his text to me about asking if he could share my number with her since I had called her from an anonymous number when I was worried about him).

 

Well, to my surprise, she was curious as to why I called and said her husband was acting like nothing happened. They hadn't even talked about the call I made to her during the night! But now she was wanting to know more. So we had a very awkward conversation and immediately after speaking with her, she apparently went to tell her husband that I had called her again and everything went south after that. I think he thought I called her to tattle, but I was trying to actually do damage control believing he had already told her about us. Ugh! He has requested for me to never contact him again, and I have requested the same of him. He says he could never forgive me for contacting his wife so there is now not a possibility of us being together in the future. Just a few days before, he sounded like he was getting close to making a change to be with me but wasn't sure of the timing factor.

 

Has anyone else ran into the wife being contacted by the other woman not intentionally but more so due to a miscommunication? It really doesn't probably matter anymore how it all came down, but it would be great to relate to someone who understands this. I did send him an apology that by contacting his wife I made irreversible damage to our relationship and in his marriage and told him that I still loved him but that I understood that there was no longer a possibility of a future together. I know he blames me as had I of been not feeling so insecure about him being with this wife that night and then him calling me intoxicated, I fully believe the situation as such would have never of happened. I had fully intentions of never talking to his wife but when things fell apart I thought contacting was the right thing to do since I fully expected her to have already been informed by him. Any words of helpful advice in healing after having found who I thought was the person I would spend my future with once we had things figured out with our current situations?

 

I realize now that believing that a married man would ever leave his wife for the ow was a complete lie on his part and even though he threatened that if I ever contacted her, that opportunity would forever be gone, due to how my originally intention was not to inform her and a complete misunderstanding about him giving her my number, I would have thought he would have tried to work at being with me rather than her. I guess life goes on. I'm sure he already has things settled down at his home and working at making his marriage be the best it can be. He is the type that puts all in when he wants something and his view shifted immediately to his wife and his family as soon as the going got tough by my mistake.

 

I'm slightly confused since a couple of topics have been merged, but I wanted to comment on this first post.

 

It sounds like you had a major manipulator (and probably a narcissist) as your AP. You mentioned he pursued you and treated you nicer once he got you. I will bet there are other moments where he was pulling your strings and you just didn't know it.

 

I dated a perpetual liar for over a year. We were both single, yet he insisted on keeping the relationship a secret. I was fine with that until my divorce was finalized, but then I got restless once it was final.

 

Anyway, he told me more stories and reasons and scenarios that were just total hogwash. It sounds like your AP did a lot of that with you as well. It amazes me at the fake world and conversations they create.

 

Something about the lie was convenient for him. Whether it perpetuated the fraud with you or just appeased you.

[whichwayisup]

I never looked into if she had any social media out there or not. He made it very clear that he didn't love her, was very unhappy, and was planning on marrying me, so I had no reason to compare myself to her or care to know anything about her. I worried more about the other women he pursued but he always reassured me that I was the one he loved. He did a complete 180 on d day.

 

He obviously is a very skilled liar and manipulator. He pulled the wool over your eyes and he's done the exact same thing to his wife. The only person he "loves", is himself.

 

You willingly chose to believe a MM, who continued to 'live life' with his wife, yet he still told you he loved you and wanted you...His actions showed otherwise.

 

Imagine what he's said to her about you now.... No wonder she's reacting.

[anika99]

I never looked into if she had any social media out there or not. He made it very clear that he didn't love her, was very unhappy, and was planning on marrying me, so I had no reason to compare myself to her or care to know anything about her. I worried more about the other women he pursued but he always reassured me that I was the one he loved. He did a complete 180 on d day.

 

But you posted this:

 

his marriage is on it's way to being the best it has ever been since his wife has chosen to move past it, like the Lion King moto "The past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it", she has chosen to learn from it and is now actually focusing on him and their marriage. She is no longer working 14 hour days and has changed jobs to a part time one less than a few miles from their home. She is doing everything to please him from what I have heard from a very reliable source.

 

So you may not have looked at the BWs social media but you certainly are making her personal life your business. Maybe she wouldn't be looking at your social media either if she had a source reporting your goings on to her.

 

You also spoke earlier in this thread about going to lengths to find out about your MMs other women and affairs, so why is the BW crazy for investigating his affair but it was okay for you to investigate?

 

And lastly you have been rather obsessed and overly critical of the BW throughout this entire thread. You have accused her of everything from holding your MM in the marriage against his will to being a low intelligence woman with no self respect.

 

You need to stop projecting onto the BW. So far I haven't seen you say anything about her that couldn't also be said about you. Focus on your healing, ignore the BW but also stop blaming and judging her. She didn't force you into an affair with her husband, she didn't invite you into her life. You intruded on her life, she didn't intrude on yours.

[aileD]

his marriage is on it's way to being the best it has ever been since his wife has chosen to move past it, like the Lion King moto "The past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it", she has chosen to learn from it and is now actually focusing on him and their marriage. She is no longer working 14 hour days and has changed jobs to a part time one less than a few miles from their home. She is doing everything to please him from what I have heard from a very reliable source.

 

Take note: This is what REAL love looks like. Not that crap you had with him. That wasn't love. His wife is showing him true love.

 

Go find someone to do that for you. Someone who loves you enough to ACTUALLY change their life for you.

 

Wishing you peace.

[Ahurtgirl]

Take note: This is what REAL love looks like. Not that crap you had with him. That wasn't love. His wife is showing him true love.

 

Go find someone to do that for you. Someone who loves you enough to ACTUALLY change their life for you.

 

Wishing you peace.

 

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!