Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[anika99]

There is nothing wrong with her for wanting those things from her husband. Of course she wants him to be a father to their children, to take care of his family, and to be her partner at home and in social settings. Would you seriously marry a man, have his children and then have zero expectations of him as a father and husband? Perhaps your low expectations for yourself are what got you here.

 

And when she was being so cold and aloof on the phone was her husband talking warmly and lovingly to her? Didn't he tell you all the time that he didn't love her? So if he is cheating on his wife and being cold to her do you think that might have something to do with why she was cold to him?

 

Also you mentioned she changed from a full time job to a part time job after the affair was discovered so if she was working full time before then I'm guessing she must have also contributed to their financial security as well as being a mother to their children. That's what married people do. They take care of their family. She's not some horrible wife because she expected her husband to pull his weight.

Edited December 27, 2016 by anika99

[elaine567]

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!

 

YOU know he had other women, so no doubt so does she and she probably knew or suspected that when he was on the phone whilst out with you that he was up to no good, hence the coldness. She could probably tell by his voice or the excuses he came up with.

BUT you do not know what their marriage was like, you don't really know what their marriage is like today.

You are going on the words of a cheater and your own assumptions based I guess on jealousy and bitterness, as to how she feels. YOU have NO idea of how she feels about him.

YOU see what you want to see and it will be highly biased as you are hurt and upset.

 

NO man decides to choose purgatory over heaven.

It hurts big time that he chose her over you, but that scenario happens every day, and is par for the course when you enter the "competitive" environment of an affair.

Unless the MM is looking for an exit affair, the odds are always stacked in favour of the wife, as she comes with the house, the assets, the kids, the friends and his "normal" life... and she comes with a shared history and she was after all the woman he married in the first place. She was not easily ousted and you found that out far too late.

YOUR ego told you "Of course he will choose me" but when he had to make the direct choice, he not only didn't choose you, but he threw you away like garbage, and your ego has thus taken a huge hit.

He didn't want or need rescued from his cruel and cold wife, that was just the story he told you to keep you on board. He didn't need another wife, he already had one of those...

YOU invested 4.5 years in a man who was stringing you along and you hate yourself for it, but it is difficult to hate yourself so you have instead decided to hate his wife.

His wife does not deserve your hate.

If you need to hate anyone, hate the man who lied to you for 4.5 years.

[MidnightBlue1980]

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!

 

Do you think she was cold and aloof to him because he was cheating on her with you? How would you act? Warm and friendly to your husband as his other woman was sitting right there? I know your husband is gay but at some point you did marry him, so you must have been attached to him as a spouse.

 

You just have no idea how she feels about her husband. How on earth could you possibly know what another woman was thinking and feeling?

 

Listen, I went through a year of pain as well but I am aware that xmm's BS loves her husband. Frankly he does not deserve it, but I don't judge her at all. You need to take a step back and really look at this situation. You are condemning another woman for loving her husband and wanting to keep him as such, while defending a guy who used you and discarded you. Honestly, you should feel compassion for his wife.

[wmacbride]

OP,

so long as you continue to see the things in your life that have hurt you as being everyone elses fault but yours, you will never truly be happy. The same is true for seeing yourself as some sort of a victim. You made choices, they didn't work out.

 

Your mm didn't break up with you because his wife forced him to.He broke up with you because there was something in your relationship with him that he didn't like, and staying married to his wife was a better option for him.

 

 

Stop focusing all your pain and anger om hi wife. She didn't invite you into her life.She didn't ask you to hurt her. She didn't ask your to talk about her behind her back and go digging for info.on her form her friends and people you both know.

 

As an exercise,find a photo of him and take it and stand in front of a mirror with it. The only two people who are responsible for how you are feeling will be staring back at you. That would be you and him. She is zero percent responsible for how you feel, so stop blaming her and place the blame on your own shoulders, and his as well.

 

I know I sound hash,and probably rude and very unsympathetic to you. The reason I do is because patting you on the head, telling you how hard things have been for you and showing pity won't help you. you have a whole lot of of inner strength,but you can't access that if you see a situation as being everyone elses fault. Try seeing where your own responsibilities for the mess are, because once you do, you can take steps to keep it from ever happening again. You will be in control of your life, and that is a wonderful feeling.

[Starswillshine]

It's amazing how his BW is such a miserable, horrible person and yet..... he still chooses her.

 

Come on, op. Don't be so naive.

[aileD]

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!

 

Of course you need to see it that way. Marriage isnt a fairytale. Affairs are.

 

And I'm sure that you were told some lies to keep you in your place. MM tend to do that. Because who's gonna have an affair with a man who says his wife is perfect, payed attention, adores him and has sex with him all the time? No, he's got to make you pity him so you'll want to provide all those things for him.

 

The thing here is. You're not being honest with yourself. You're excuse after excuse. When it doesn't even matter. Even if all you said about his wife was TRUE, it doesn't matter because he STILL chose her over you. He wants her, not you.

 

You need to be honest with yourself. Honest and harsh. Then get angry.

 

HE DOESNT WANT YOU, HE USED YOU, HIS MARRIAGE AND WIFE ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN YOU.

 

when you can see it like everyone else around you sees it ....then you'll start to get angry and know that you deserve more. You deserve someone that doesn't have a wife. Someone that won't choose a wife over you because they don't have a wife. Someone who will choose to be with you fully and freely.

 

That person is out there waiting but you're wasting your time on someone who doesn't want you.

[Foreverago]

OP, I mean no disrespect here but it's more a conclusion I'm coming to reading your post.

 

I know it's easier to vilify the wife because then it means you and the mm are the victims instead of the perpetrators. Instead, you ARE the bad guy in this situation, along with him. His wife, who is doing all the things married people do in a relationship, isn't crazy. Shes not evil.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting over his lies and him choosing to stay with his wife, but the faster you stop directing your anger towards her the quicker you can start moving on.

 

She doesn't need to step aside for you. That's her marriage. His affairs are not special. Hes a serial cheater and you were just another in a long line of mistresses. Be thankful you didn't get to waste even more life waiting for him.

[heartwhole]

Even with your best friends or family members, you never know exactly what their marriage is like when it's just the two of them. So you really can't extrapolate what their marriage is like from a few interactions post DD, or from the one-sided view you got from a man who was motivated to keep you in the affair.

 

You mentioned the lengthy diatribe you sent her when she asked if her husband had been in touch with you, and then said she turned crazy. Frankly, while I would never contact the OW, if I did and she went on and on and on explaining how she should have pursued a lawsuit over "emotional manipulation" and threatening to file a lawsuit if he makes contact, I would have a hard time not responding to that. I would expect, if I ever had to interact with the OW, that she would be respectful, contrite, and embarrassed. If not, I might find it hard not to respond. In my own case, I never looked at the OW's social media until she sent a phishing email to my husband three months after he went NC. I had just assumed she would be embarrassed and trying to move on as quickly as possible.

 

Your work now is acceptance . . . accepting that this did not turn out how you hoped. Accepting that you made poor choices that led to where you are now. Accepting that in the end, MM was just eating cake. The idea that you could file a lawsuit against someone you consented to have a relationship with is a non-starter. I know he messed with your head when he blamed it all on you, but that is just another part of this that you must accept. You are not blameless, but his part is ALL on him. If he can't admit that, then pity him. He is a broken person who is unlikely to grow. As for his wife, accept that she is free to move forward however she chooses. It's not rational to assert that you know that you really loved him and she doesn't from one conversation with her.

 

After acceptance, your work is letting go. Letting go of the anger, the disappointment, the dashed hopes, the connection to him/them. Moving on into better things for yourself. Work on your coping skills and your judgment. Focus on being a part of your community and giving back. When you are healthy, you'll attract healthy men in good time.

[BTDT2012]

Interesting to read that BS are the only ones who think their lives have changed forever. I will never trust another man again. I would have never been with a married man if he hadn't promised marriage. The man I am seperated from is gay. I have learned that I'd rather be alone then get hurt again.

I try to offer hope to others or at least share my experience so others can either relate or find comfort in knowing of yet another situation.

 

The BS is the only one whose life is changed forever because of the choices made by others. I get that you are hurting, but you signed up for the possibility of hurt when you began a relationship with a known cheater.

[Grammie]

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!

 

Gently, you have no idea what she thinks or feels. You are assuming things. Let it go. You are not in their marriage, in their home, in their bed. You are still hurting after the ending, and you have to let it go. Its done. Its over. He chose the marriage.

 

regarding the bold....IMHO ... no, you didn't love him unconditionally. IF he beat you, you wouldn't love him. If he cheated on you, you wouldn't love him. Unconditional love is not between two adults; unconditional love is between a parent and a child or a human and their pet. It isn't between two adults because there ARE conditions on that love.

 

For your own sanity, stop worrying about her and her life. Stop trying to decide what she thinks or feels. You had a snippit of his life, she has the life. He chose to show you what he wanted you to see. You truly have no idea what was going on in their marriage. You are trying to 'win' him or prove that he loved you...he didn't. He used you I am sorry you are still hurting over this cheater.

[aileD]

Gently, you have no idea what she thinks or feels. You are assuming things. Let it go. You are not in their marriage, in their home, in their bed. You are still hurting after the ending, and you have to let it go. Its done. Its over. He chose the marriage.

 

For your own sanity, stop worrying about her and her life. Stop trying to decide what she thinks or feels. You had a snippit of his life, she has the life. He chose to show you what he wanted you to see. You truly have no idea what was going on in their marriage. You are trying to 'win' him or prove that he loved you...he didn't. He used you I am sorry you are still hurting over this cheater.

 

Quoted for truth. OP please read this over and over

[ShatteredLady]

AHurtGirl. How can you possibly know this, "She loves him only because of what he can give her,"? Why do you continue to convince yourself that no-one could ever love him as much as I love him? No-one could ever know him like I know him?

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

They've shared the dizzy joy of engagement. They've shared announcing their love & making their vows in front of family & friends. "Until death us do part". They've shared babies growing inside of her & birth. They've shared countless moments monumental & insignificant which make-up their life together 'for better & worse'.

 

You do not know this woman!

 

Why are you insisting on putting her down? Insisting that she is complicit in your adultery with her husband? Why state that in your heart you always had compassion for her & were so innocent trying to convince him not to have the affair that YOU were having with HIM when it's clearly not what you believe?

 

I'm getting more & more concerned for your wellbeing. I know that you've been through a lot of pain in your life. Your husband inflicted pain. Your affair partner caused you pain. SHE was completely in the dark!! You were having sex with her husband behind her back. That's all you really know about her...her husband has sex with other women.

 

This isn't healthy. I know that you're in pain but thoughts like this are detrimental to your recovery. You can love again. Your love can be valued & returned & that will be glorious!! When compared to what you've known it will be beautiful & amazing. You can know real, true love. You need to heal first & part of healing is acceptance & growth.

 

PLEASE! You clearly have so much love to give but it's been misdirected. It's NOT HER FAULT!! Do you fear that if you saw her as a completely innocent victim who loves her husband the guilt would be too much for you?

Edited December 30, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Ahurtgirl]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

[Foreverago]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

 

Let's say this is true.

 

In the US, 50% of first marriages fail. 67% of second marriages end in divorce. That's not a faked statistic. Those are just from the records. Those people who cheat their way out of their first marriage didn't automatically become great partners. They still have the same issues that the first marriage had plus extra baggage. The divorce rate is even higher for third. I'm sure there are some happy endings. Just not as many when you have a person who has a specific style personality, the people who cheat.

 

And I'm sure it was true love to you, in the hoping sense. It wasn't to him. You can't love someone unconditionally, especially when you don't know what the conditions are. That's a naive thought pattern and not a realistic or sustaining one. Affairs partners see the Stage version of someone. Edit to add: I just reread the start of your thread and even the Stage version of him was and is a bad guy. Yikes. Please, next time you fall for someone, have a list of conditions. Standards are a great thing.

 

That's what people are trying to get you to see. You didn't know him well enough. And you don't know her at all. You didn't get to know him as a faulty human and you definitely don't get to criticize someone you knew only through someone attempting to justify their cheating and have others be like oh you're so right.

 

I understand you are hurting, any person in pain has my sympathy, but your two posts are contradictory. You said you have compassion in the other thread and are hissy at her here. You will need to work on understanding yourself if you ever want a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Signed,

 

A former mistress

Edited December 30, 2016 by Foreverago

[aileD]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

 

 

let me rephrase your first sentence:

 

"It wasn't true love, but if it makes the AP feel better to believe the MM is capable of loving another woman, so be it"

 

It's obvious to everyone here from your posts that MM did not love you and it was certainly not true love. But if you need to believe that, then so be it. However if you are truly interested in healing, you should start being brutally honest with yourself.

 

Yes many marriages started as affairs. Also many of those marriage end in affairs as well. You may have many people around you living seemingly happy affair-turned-marriage lives, but honestly you don't know them. You're not in their marriages. What you do know is your interactions with MM. his actions. You don't know his wife. It may make you feel better to think she only loves him for material things but guess what? MM action of staying with her says differently.

 

Don't lie to yourself. Dig in deep and do the work on yourself and that means admitting some harsh truths about your affair with this man.

[heartwhole]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

 

The discussion at hand is your assertion that BW doesn't love her husband, at least not unconditionally like you do. The discussion is not whether your MM loved you, or MM in general love OW. I believe my husband genuinely thought he was in love with the OW, though he was careful never to use the word love and wouldn't admit it to me (said "we have feelings for each other" instead). That was real in a sense in that time and I acknowledge it. But like your MM, on DD he dumped her and never looked back, so I wouldn't call that love in the end. To me, love is choice, love is action.

 

Gently, your statements are all over the place, as are your feelings. An IC will help you look at your story more objectively. Beware of knee-jerk reactions and sweeping generalizations. You didn't like what people were pointing out about your claim to have compassion for the BW, so you flipped it around and argued against an argument nobody made. Instead, look at why those comments made you angry. Could there be truth to them?

[Starswillshine]

I remember how the OW in our case told me that I didn't love my WS. I couldn't love him as much as she did... because she accepts ALL his flaws (his cheating) and I can not. And that only their relationship could be real because he was honest with her (because she knew about their relationship, and I did not...).

 

AHG, the wife isn't your enemy. Stop focusing your energy on her. Focus your energy on moving on. Go have some fun with other people (single people).

[BTDT2012]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

 

I think you are spending way too much time speculating on what his wife thinks and her motivation for staying with him. I believe your time would be better spent figuring out yourself and fixing your picker.

 

All of us have our personal experiences. Even if you are correct and 75% of second marriages start as affairs, that means 75% of them don't. I know a of two people who married their affair partner. One of them is cheating on on his wife, the other is kept on such a tight leash that he can't go anywhere except work unless his wife is with him. That doesn't mean this is always the case.

[waterwoman]

The BS is an irrelevance.

Their marriage is an irrelevance.

The reason for the end of the affair is an irrelevance.

 

It is done and your life is still to be lived. THAT is what you need to be concentrating on.

[spiderowl]

It doesn't matter what you did. All that matters is that he is another lying, cheating, married man who was telling you one thing and telling his wife another. Married means heavily involved with someone else, if not physically then still emotionally. Both are strong pulls and a married guy who seeks an affair is unlikely to leave his wife. If he was going to leave her, he would have already done so.

 

I really don't get why you were apologising to him. Who cares if he gets in trouble with his wife? That's his problem for playing around. Crikey! I really don't understand why OW are so understanding of these guys!

[sandylee1]

His wife is not showing him true love. She loves him only because of what he can give her, i.e., fanacial security, a father to her children, someone to be there with her in their social circle, etc.

I had none of that with him but loved him for who he was, NOT for what he could or couldn't give me. We had far from a perfect relationship, yet I loved him unconditionally. She was so focused on winning him over (comment she made to me) but not once made a comment about loving him. When he would talk to her on the phone when I was with him, she was so cold and aloof to him. You all keep viewing her as if she was this loving wife who adored her husband... that was not the case at all!

 

You're anger is misplaced. Look in the mirror if you must blame anyone.

 

You feel for a married man.

He used you for sex and ego boosts.

You fell for his lies

You knew he was a cheater, but thought you were 'the one' ... well guess what ... so did his wife.

You got played.

 

 

The sooner you start taking responsibility like an adult, the better.

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim here.

 

 

If you don't change your mindset, you'll be a lifetime OW, because you haven't learned your lesson.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It was true love but if it makes a BS feel better to believe that her husband wasn't capable of loving another woman, so be it. She can believe what she wants. I have seen far too many second marriages start from affairs, so I am very realistic that situations like mine do have happy endings and the MM really does love his AP and leave the marriage. It didn't work out for me but there are many affairs that do. The less than 3% statistic is not even close to being correct. I'd say it is closer to 25% that affairs are how second marriages start.

 

A hurt girl, you know I am a fOW like yourself. It certainly is possible for a mm to love another woman but married or single, any guy - or girl - who drops you and rolls a truck over you - does not love you.

 

It's actually really that simple. Never did love you, doesn't now and never will.

 

It's take me forever to realize that and it's a pattern in my life. A parade of losers, using me and treating me like crap. And me, drinking it in.