Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[Ahurtgirl]

I think my anger towards her stems from knowing that at the beginning of our affair he had revealed to me that he knew his wife had an affair. So not only was he just getting out of his previous affair with his coworker he was also trying to heal from knowing his wife had also been unfaithful to him. Very complicated mess that I should have well known to walk away from but he managed to keep luring me in. He pursued me like crazy. I still should not have given in but the more irritated he became about wanting more, and yet he was loving too, the harder it made it for me to keep pushing him away.

I think my anger will pass, and it is just one of the stages of letting him go in my heart. I am past loving him which thankfully came sooner than expected. He really is a complete loser and I no longer have any respect for him. I should feel sorry for his wife to have to live with him now for the rest of her life. Knowing that he will cheat again (but he is going to be much more careful so that she won't find out) and knowing he has the inability to be there for anyone else but himself.

[imsosad]

1. Her affair is none of your business.

2.You dont even know she had one, lots of MM say that as part of their i'msounhappy sob story.

Ahurtgirl, I know this is a terrible time for you. If you want to deal well with this situation and grow from it, I think you need to aim for more insight.

You badmouthed his wife pretty bad in the earlier post, imo there was alot of projection gpoing on. You accused her of gleeing at her victory in "winning" him,while my guess is that is your interpertation and youre pissed off at what you see as 'losing'. Sbe did nothink to you. You intruded on her marriage for several years. Looking honestly at yourself will help you, implying she's dumb for staying with him will get you nowhere.

Again,I know its a hard time for you and your emotions are probably a boiling mix of confusion, but blaming the BS is really ridiculous and nonproductive.

Be honest about yourself and him. You know, she may have decided to try reconcilliation,but it is his dcision too. He wants to make his marriage work.she didnt steal him off you,if anything,it is what you were trying to do.

[Ahurtgirl]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

[Bittersweetie]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

 

No, he is making the choices he wants to make. No one is forcing him to do anything. I say this as a fMW who confessed to my H my affair. He asked things of me like transparency and no contact. He did not force me; I did them willingly because I still wanted to be with him. I would think it is very, very rare for someone to be forced to stay with a spouse.

 

I know it is early, and it is difficult, but I agree with PPs that you need to turn your focus less on him and his family and more on you and yourself. Why did you make these choices? Why did you jeopardize your integrity, your self worth, for this man who is not deserving of you?

 

I know it is hard to ask these questions to the mirror, believe me. But if you can turn toward healing yourself and focus on who you want to be moving forward, it will help. Good luck.

[Ahurtgirl]

Why did I do it? I fell in love with him, that is why. I honestly loved him, no doubt. There really is some truth in the old saying that you can't help who you fall in love with. I was in the process of separation and was open to a new relationship. He was clear that he was ready to move out into an apartment after about 3 months of us being together but I wouldn't let him leave his kids. He wanted to be with me but I didn't allow him to make the move early on.

[ChickiePops]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

 

Unless she has him chained to their bed, she most definitely did not force him to stay with her. You don't have to give someone permission to break up with you, married or not. Frankly, their relationship is none of your concern..you should be glad about that. Now you can go find yourself a less complicated relationship and leave them to theirs.

 

 

Re: the bolded, it sounds more like he's the one working to make her stay in the marriage, not the other way around. He's exactly where he wants to be.

 

 

Why are you so angry at his wife? She hasn't done anything at all to you. If you're going to be angry at someone, be angry at him.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm surprised how many of you are taking the side of the wife as for me to not direct my anger at. Maybe it is because I talked to her directly and her condescending way she spoke to me and the things she said that I have absolutely no respect for her. She was a huge part of why he has had affairs throughout his marriage and because she treated him in the same way that she spoke to me, told me volumes as to why he struggled with his marriage. If there were no kids involved, he would never choose to stay. He fears losing his kids and so has to lie to her and himself that he wants to be with her for his kids. At least I know he loved me for who I was and wasn't just saying it because we had kids together or because he didn't want to lose friendships that he had made as a couple through their kids sports and him being a coach. It is all about him saving face and not about true love for her. She may have won him but at what cost to her own self respect. To know he will lie to her about his feelings for her to cover up what he has done and just like the times I tried to end things and he cried and begged me to not leave him and that he needed me in his life. That he just couldn't make it through his marriage without me there, etc. I'm sure he cried to her and begged her to stay and that he will do anything to save their marriage but he is only doing it to stay with his kids.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

[ChickiePops]

I'm surprised how many of you are taking the side of the wife as for me to not direct my anger at. Maybe it is because I talked to her directly and her condescending way she spoke to me and the things she said that I have absolutely no respect for her. She was a huge part of why he has had affairs throughout his marriage and because she treated him in the same way that she spoke to me, told me volumes as to why he struggled with his marriage. If there were no kids involved, he would never choose to stay. He fears losing his kids and so has to lie to her and himself that he wants to be with her for his kids. At least I know he loved me for who I was and wasn't just saying it because we had kids together or because he didn't want to lose friendships that he had made as a couple through their kids sports and him being a coach. It is all about him saving face and not about true love for her. She may have won him but at what cost to her own self respect. To know he will lie to her about his feelings for her to cover up what he has done and just like the times I tried to end things and he cried and begged me to not leave him and that he needed me in his life. That he just couldn't make it through his marriage without me there, etc. I'm sure he cried to her and begged her to stay and that he will do anything to save their marriage but he is only doing it to stay with his kids.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

 

Of course you're not the only one. But most OW realize at some point that that anger is misplaced. I think people are 'siding with the wife' (they're not..they're just trying to help you) because they know that and they're trying to help you understand it too.

 

She, on the other hand, has every reason to be angry at you. Come on..be honest. Can you really and truly not understand why she was rude to you? You say you have no respect for her after that..but you had no respect for her before that either. If you did you wouldn't have had an affair with her husband. She knows that. That's why she was rude.

 

 

You have no idea about the inner workings of their marriage. You only know what he's told you, and he's already proven that he's a liar so what reason could you possibly have for believing anything that came out of his mouth during the course of your relationship? Of course he's not going to tell you he's happily married! He was courting you..why would he tell you he loves his wife when he's trying to get in your pants? That doesn't seem like much of a turn on to me...

 

 

Be angry at her if you like..but in reality..it's not her you're angry with. It's him. And yourself.

 

 

The faster you acknowledge that, the faster you'll heal. Best of luck to you, I really mean that.

[ladydesigner]

I'm surprised how many of you are taking the side of the wife as for me to not direct my anger at. Maybe it is because I talked to her directly and her condescending way she spoke to me and the things she said that I have absolutely no respect for her. She was a huge part of why he has had affairs throughout his marriage and because she treated him in the same way that she spoke to me, told me volumes as to why he struggled with his marriage. If there were no kids involved, he would never choose to stay. He fears losing his kids and so has to lie to her and himself that he wants to be with her for his kids. At least I know he loved me for who I was and wasn't just saying it because we had kids together or because he didn't want to lose friendships that he had made as a couple through their kids sports and him being a coach. It is all about him saving face and not about true love for her. She may have won him but at what cost to her own self respect. To know he will lie to her about his feelings for her to cover up what he has done and just like the times I tried to end things and he cried and begged me to not leave him and that he needed me in his life. That he just couldn't make it through his marriage without me there, etc. I'm sure he cried to her and begged her to stay and that he will do anything to save their marriage but he is only doing it to stay with his kids.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

 

Well the wife isn't your issue... it is his... and he is your issue.

[Ahurtgirl]

How long does it take before you were able to have normal days without your affair partner on your mind 24/7? How long until you felt some type of happiness again?

[Cloudcuckoo]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

 

That's ridiculous. She didn't force him to do anything, he's a grown ass man for goodness sake! Albeit a t**t with no regard for anyone else's needs but his own. You've no idea whether his attempts to reconcile with his wife will work or not, and I don't believe that's any of your business frankly.

 

How can you claim she was out to ' win' a competition she didn't know she was involved in?! You were happy to be involved with her 'prize cheating spouse' were you not? Right up until it blew up in both your faces? So why is she the villain while you take no responsibility for your place in the triangle?

 

You are the one riddled with blatant jealousy because you were in competition with his wife, not the other way round.

 

You know nothing of what goes on in his marriage. You know nothing of what she thinks, feels, believes. You know what a proven liar told you. That is all.

 

Him telling you he will leave 'once the kids are out of school' is the same old hogwash told by married men to their other women again and again. And when it comes down to it, that's all it is...horse manure...spat out to suck in an other woman so he gets his cake and eats it.

 

He's not leaving his wife...for you or anybody else. Own your part, grow from it and move on and stop blaming his wife for your misery. She did absolutely nothing to you.

 

Do better for yourself in future.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo

[Hummingbird17]

What I am about to say comes from someone who's MM left his ex wife and we are now together and married.

 

My DH had never cheated before and we had a very short affair before he left. However, while the majority of what he told me was true, it was pretty exaggerated at times too.

 

You have no clue what their marriage was like. Not even if you seen it with your own eyes. You have no clue what his wife is really like. Was my DH ex controlling? Yes to a point. I have seen it, heard from others etc. Do I also think my DH played that up? Yes I do. She tried every manipulative thing she could and he still left. Because he was done with the marriage before me.

 

Your exmm is not being held captive, he is doing what he wants. He did choose and he chose his wife.

 

I also have no idea why you would think she shouldn't be hateful to you. You say you have no respect for her? She did nothing wrong to you. I am sure she has absolutely no respect for you.

 

I know you are hurting, but you need to stop blaming his wife. Be mad at him, and yourself if you want but SHE is not what I'd keeping you from being with your exmm.

[minimariah]

She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her.

 

she did.

 

i mean... he could have said no - right...?

 

can't FORCE a grown man to do anything. that's the truth.

[minimariah]

...I have absolutely no respect for her.

 

and that's okay. you don't have to respect her -- you don't really respect your MM either because if you did... you'd give him some credit and treat him like an adult. right now, you're treating him like a mindless child who got punished by his mommy for wanting some candy and now he's in his corner... crying his eyes out because the candy is forbidden. come on.

 

He fears losing his kids...

 

EVERYONE does. & folks STILL divorce and see their kids regularly; that's what the court is for. or at least it should be!

 

At least I know he loved me for who I was...

 

he probably loved her at some point, too. after all - he CHOSE her for marriage and parenthood. he was with her long before they had kids.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

 

of course you're not the only one. however - you don't recognize the anger as a BAD thing; you're really angry at your MM. after all -- he chose his wife, nobody did it for him. you're painting a very black & white picture in order to JUSTIFY the affair and convince yourself it was love and he's just a trapped man living a nightmare he can't escape - otherwise, the possibility of all that pain being in vain is just... too much to handle.

 

i'm not saying that divorcing is EASY - no. and i understand your MM and even his feeling of being captured... i'm sure he's not faking it. but at some point, he needs to take some responsibility for his life choices. he probably feels like staying is the best choice for him right now - that is, after all, his decision in given circumstances. it can't be ALL his wife's fault.

Edited September 2, 2016 by minimariah

[whichwayisup]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

 

Neither are any better than the other. THEY BOTH have cheated.

 

Sorry but it sounds like sour grapes on your end, you say she 'won' but she didn't know she was competing.

 

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, you can guess and assume but you really don't know unless you're a fly on the wall in their bedroom and in their house.

 

Saying stuff is one thing, doing it is another. NOTHING is stopping him from leaving and divorcing... His inaction there shows you what's what.

[whichwayisup]

I'm surprised how many of you are taking the side of the wife as for me to not direct my anger at. Maybe it is because I talked to her directly and her condescending way she spoke to me and the things she said that I have absolutely no respect for her.

 

Why should she respect you, like you or even be nice to you? YOU'VE been having an affair with her husband. Your anger is misdirected, you can't see that now, but it is. Anger should be at him and yourself. As I just said, NOTHING is stopping him from leaving and divorcing his wife. People who are unhappy and want to D, do so, regardless if someone is waiting in the wings or not. He is happy enough as things are.

 

 

She was a huge part of why he has had affairs throughout his marriage and because she treated him in the same way that she spoke to me

 

So, she held a gun to his head and said 'cheat'? whoa, he's a grown man, he has other options... Divorce, but no, he stays. Nobody can force another person to have an affair. He's filling your head up with crap, and you're eating it up. Sorry to be blunt, but he's a skilled liar and he has you roped.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

 

Your anger and pain is making you believe SHE is the reason why you two aren't together. What you don't see is, he's choosing NOT to be with you full time. Hating her and being angry at her doesn't solve the problem, it just keeps you in an angry state of mind, keeps him the victim and you on the outside looking in, hoping some day he'll be yours.

[Clockwatching]

I think the answer you get will depend on the person - I'm still taking lessons from this and it's given me more insight that I ever thought it would do, so I'm still healing just over a year on.

 

I have had tremendous moments of happiness but I don't think I reached that until probably at least six months after no contact started. I think of him often, sometimes out of nostalgia and the friend and lover that I lost and miss (when it was good) and other times because of the things I'm still learning about myself as a result. It doesn't linger as much and I'm more able to live in the now than I was and I'm able to reality check myself when I need to, it does get better but I do think it depends on whether you're ready to take the insights from it - life's funny like that.

 

How long's it been for you?

[hazy_shade_of_grey]

I think the answer you get will depend on the person - I'm still taking lessons from this and it's given me more insight that I ever thought it would do, so I'm still healing just over a year on.

 

I have had tremendous moments of happiness but I don't think I reached that until probably at least six months after no contact started. I think of him often, sometimes out of nostalgia and the friend and lover that I lost and miss (when it was good) and other times because of the things I'm still learning about myself as a result. It doesn't linger as much and I'm more able to live in the now than I was and I'm able to reality check myself when I need to, it does get better but I do think it depends on whether you're ready to take the insights from it - life's funny like that.

 

How long's it been for you?

 

 

Part of the healing process is being able to let go. Took me a long time to finally accept that, still haven't entirely.

 

Sometimes out of the blue something catches me off guard like a song, a scent or her doppelganger. I usually pause for a moment, smile and then return to what I was doing.

 

Be strong it is hard, but it will get better. You gotta believe!

[privategal]

Ten characters

Edited September 3, 2016 by privategal

[Ahurtgirl]

Maybe it is because I live in Texas and know what southern hospitality is, but when I came to this site I was expecting some type of support as I shared the emotions I was going through. Apparently this site is for those of you who have no emotions involved in having an affair end. I will look elsewhere and hopefully find others who actually understand what it is like to lose someone you love to their wife.

[MidnightBlue1980]

How long does it take before you were able to have normal days without your affair partner on your mind 24/7? How long until you felt some type of happiness again?

 

I'm finally starting that part where he is not on my mind 24/7. I'm at 8.5 months out. I have to see him weekly though. It delays things. The last time I cried was maybe 2 weeks ago. I heard this song Lost Cause and just bawled. I think that was my last time. I'll post it. It's sad.

 

[Midwestmissy]

This inability to take responsibility for one's actions is why pelple have difficulty sympathizing. Refusing to look at your own role will continue to cause heartbreak. She's still in denial that cheaters stay because they totally want to stay. It's hard to accept.

[BTDT2012]

I will look elsewhere and hopefully find others who actually understand what it is like to lose someone you love to their wife.

You can't lose what you never had.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it is because I live in Texas and know what southern hospitality is, but when I came to this site I was expecting some type of support as I shared the emotions I was going through. Apparently this site is for those of you who have no emotions involved in having an affair end. I will look elsewhere and hopefully find others who actually understand what it is like to lose someone you love to their wife.

 

Don't go. Maybe right now you're not in a frame of mind to take in the advice, yes are harsh, but said respectfully. Most are giving you a reality check because they care. It's not personal, nor malicious.

 

Come back in a few days and re-read this thread, you'll see that people are trying to help.

[Poppy47]

You were never in a competition.

 

The wife did nothing to deserve you attitude. You need to turn your thoughts inwards and reflect on who is really at fault.

 

Nobody here on LS is mean.

 

Poppy.