Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[sandylee1]

[/b]

 

Now that the affair is over, I know, as I always did that my AP was exactly the type of person I always wanted in my life as a husband.

 

 

He was my everything and he made me feel safe and accepted, deeply loved, and more. Yes, he was a cheater and even though I no longer was involved with my spouse, I am too because I don't have divorce papers at this time. My xMM was perfect for me.

 

So now what do I do?

 

I imagine his wife also thinks or thought he was everything she wanted in a husband too.

 

On him being perfect for you ..... think about it again. Why is it only another woman's husband that is perfect for you? The fact that he's married, should be your first clue that he's not perfect for you. Because he's unavailable.

 

An affair leads to heartache every which way. It's just a question of who's heart gets broken. In the vast majority of cases it's the OWs heart if there's no dday. If there is a dday, then it's usually the BW and the OW who are heartbroken, unless in the few cases that the OW gets her man, then she's jubilant.

 

MM seem to win almost every time. They get to break hearts all over the place. If women didn't take crap, men wouldn't dish it out. Unfortunately, we give men the power and then complain about inequality.

[Newstart7]

After a few weeks, I no longer thought of him and it was if he never was part of my life. My husband's affair ended abruptly and he felt betrayed by his AP so his anger at her made it easy for him to let her go. It was less than a week after his affair ended that he had completely forgot about her. I think it really depends on the situation, how it ends, and if you fell in love or if it was just an escape from reality.

[elaine567]

After a few weeks, I no longer thought of him and it was if he never was part of my life. My husband's affair ended abruptly and he felt betrayed by his AP so his anger at her made it easy for him to let her go. It was less than a week after his affair ended that he had completely forgot about her. I think it really depends on the situation, how it ends, and if you fell in love or if it was just an escape from reality.

 

Seems to me that "hating" is a lot better a strategy for getting over a relationship, than pining away for a lost "love" for months and months or even years...

I know hate can also get out of control, but it seems to me that the "romantic novel" idea of "love everlasting" that some people get stuck up on does them no favours whatsoever.

 

There's No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science) - The Atlantic

[Forever broken]

Is been a year and I still miss and think of him 24/7. My mind wonders about him. That's why it baffles me so much how he can walk pass me like he's never met me before. I guess as wonderful as my job, I might eventually leave.

[dreamingoftigers]

I believe you are correct. My actions forced him to face his biggest fear which was never in the plan. Complete misunderstanding and if he called me intoxicated now, only three days later since the end, I could care less if he would drink and drive. I know he will never contact me again as he stated clearly that he hated me and would never be able to forgive me. I feel awful and wish I could go back in time and fix it, but can't. It really doesn't matter. She can keep her cheating husband. I am never getting involved with a married man again.

 

Why do OW always say this?

 

"She can keep her cheating husband."

 

Like, now that you're done playing with him, he's dirty and his wife might as well have your dirty useless toy.

 

Frankly, we didn't want "our cheating husbands."

 

We didn't guys that didn't act like dogs running around humping everything. Now we get to find out two things, 1. Our spouse acts like a dog and 2. You humped him.

 

We are more disgusted than you are.

 

You knee what he was, we didn't. And now often we don't know what the heck to do with this mess.

[Ahurtgirl]

That is correct BTDT2012, I really didn't lose him because he never was mine to have.

 

I am no longer upset with the wife and I am not blaming him or anyone for the situation as it was or how it ended, etc. I am now focusing on it being a learning experience of what not to do in life. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God brlngs people into our lives at various times for a variety of reasons. There was a reason I met him at the time I did. There is a reason our relationship ended now and in the fashion it ended. I thank God that I met him as it has shown me some of the things I want to look for in a future relationship and some aspects of what I do not want.

 

I will never allow a married man to chase me again. It was wrong on so many levels and falling in love with him was a mistake.

[whichwayisup]

That is correct BTDT2012, I really didn't lose him because he never was mine to have.

 

I am no longer upset with the wife and I am not blaming him or anyone for the situation as it was or how it ended, etc. I am now focusing on it being a learning experience of what not to do in life. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God brlngs people into our lives at various times for a variety of reasons. There was a reason I met him at the time I did. There is a reason our relationship ended now and in the fashion it ended. I thank God that I met him as it has shown me some of the things I want to look for in a future relationship and some aspects of what I do not want.

 

I will never allow a married man to chase me again. It was wrong on so many levels and falling in love with him was a mistake.

 

What you went through is life lesson and you now you know what you want and what you don't want. Have clear and strong boundaries when it comes to men in relationships/married. Love and respect yourself more and don't invest in those who are taken.

 

Good luck and I hope you find happiness when the timing is right for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

We feel very hurt by how it ends when the wife finds out and the AP cuts us out of their lives, but the hilarious part is that some of the wives feel like they won the competition of winning their husbands back and in reality, we (the OW) are the winners because we don't have to deal with their cheating and deception and lies anymore. Sadly, I did enough investigating throughout my relationship with my AP to know he had been in an EA with a co-worker for 2.5 years before he started the relationship with me and much of the time he was also carrying on on-line affairs as well. I still fell in love with him but at least I knew the truth as to his habits. She made the choice to remain with him and seriously, he told me she was a smart woman, but any woman who wants to stay married to a man who has shown his true self in this way, I do not feel is intelligent at all. I know that I am still hurting so miss him but once these emotions pass, I know I am the smarter one and the lucky one to not have to deal with his lies and deceptive ways anymore. I can't wait to get to the point of hating him for the rest of my life and wish ill upon his family and his life as long as he lives for what he has put me though.

 

Wtf?

 

We didn't "win."

 

It's not a "competition."

 

It's more like you invaded our home, and with our husband helped burn it to the ground.

 

Then, when friends and neighbours pitch in to help build a new home, you say "oh I bet she's feeling high and mighty, but he'll burn it down again with someone else."

 

Meanwhile, we sit in our new home, which wasn't as great as the old home, with all of our photographs and memories charred and torched, wondering if the guy we live with will ever burn down the house AGAIN. We tell ourselves "it was a mistake. Surely after the consequences of losing the house and the memories was enough, surely." . . .

 

It didn't make you a "winner."

 

It made you willing to help an MM commit arson against someone you didn't know that you viewed as a competitor or as an "obstacle to your happiness."

 

When really you had no business invading our home. Even if our 'husband' invited you in.

[winterkeep]

Come on dreaming if tigers, your post is not helpful at this stage in her grief. I completely understand your pain but if posts on the OW board trigger you it may be better for you to avoid bring here.

 

AHG, most of the comments you've received are helpful and have your recovery in mind as opposed to simple berating- hopefully if you step away for a couple of days you can come back and objectively see this. You did come across as being somewhat superior to the BW which understandably upset a few people here, but I've no doubt that your mind is in complete turmoil at the moment and you don't really know what you think! I don't believe that your emotions and thoughts are 'right' or 'wrong' and they are likely to change as you deal with your grieving.

[winterkeep]

I think that you are a winner, not in a competition with his wife but in competition with yourself and the choices you made in the past; in that you now have the opportunity to distance yourself from this man and painful situation. You have the ability to pick yourself up and grow from this to achieve a happy life - you have won.

 

I've read your other posts, here's my evaluation of what's going on.

 

Your exMM sounds as though he was already distancing himself from you, he also sounds like a serial cheater so it's not surprising this happened for men like this have short attention spans. Regardless of your intent with the first phone call to his wife he used it to put you in your place and to instigate an ending with you. He lied about the effect that call had to make you feel bad and to explain his further distancing himself. You unknowingly called his bluff which had the effect of actually bringing about the response he'd lied about.

 

He is now freaking out and will probably be making you out to be the craziest stalker on earth to minimise his own part in the affair.

 

I get that you want consequences for him and that the thought of he and his wife wondering off into the sunset is painful, but let's look at this objectively:

 

He has had multiple affairs

He has thought nothing of manipulating others emotions to get what he wants

He has displayed no concern for anyone but himself

 

Honey is is not a good man this is sad for both you and his wife, I doubt that he has the ability to change at all. This is what your focus should be on, not on what is happening with he and his wife. Later, when you are though the initial grief stages you will need to examine and work on why YOU chose to enter an affair but right now you need to focus on why you still wish to be with a man who has treated you so badly. This is the core problem behind your affair, once you sort though this you will hopefully find yourself immune to entering such a relationship in the future as you will have no interest in allowing yourself to be used so horribly.

Edited September 4, 2016 by winterkeep
Spelling g

[dreamingoftigers]

His wife really saw it as a competition and she feels she won. Which she did. She won herself a cheating spouse. I'm sure that is going to turn out just great when she learns five or 10 years down the road that he cheated on her again because I have no doubt since he cheated with his coworker and with me and numerous others, he will do it again. I know how unhappy he is with her. She forced him to cut ties with me and therefore, she didn't give him the option to choose her. She forced his hand in staying with her. He will tell her all the right things she needs to hear, spends lots of time with her, and work to make his family a priority for awhile but it won't last. Once the kids graduate from HS, my guess is he will cut ties with her just like he did with me. He mentioned that many times that he has no desire to stay with her once the kids are out of the house.

 

Um....

 

Is he shackled in that house or something?

 

Because if he had enough time and energy to cheat on his wife multiple times with multiple people, she couldn't very well force him to keep his jeans zipped, much less kill contact with you.

 

In fact, he told you point blank that HE LOST all feelings for you / hates you (whatever, it's all an MM temper-tantrum anyway) and that HE wants NO CONTACT with YOU.

Plus, the American divorce rate is somewhere around 50% - clearly people get divorced, he doesn't have to ask her permission to do so.

 

What you have is a) a weak man B) a user of other women or c) all of the above.

 

Quit blaming his wife for YOU getting hurt for having an affair with a MARRIED man and HIM telling you to take a hike.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm surprised how many of you are taking the side of the wife as for me to not direct my anger at. Maybe it is because I talked to her directly and her condescending way she spoke to me and the things she said that I have absolutely no respect for her. She was a huge part of why he has had affairs throughout his marriage and because she treated him in the same way that she spoke to me, told me volumes as to why he struggled with his marriage. If there were no kids involved, he would never choose to stay. He fears losing his kids and so has to lie to her and himself that he wants to be with her for his kids. At least I know he loved me for who I was and wasn't just saying it because we had kids together or because he didn't want to lose friendships that he had made as a couple through their kids sports and him being a coach. It is all about him saving face and not about true love for her. She may have won him but at what cost to her own self respect. To know he will lie to her about his feelings for her to cover up what he has done and just like the times I tried to end things and he cried and begged me to not leave him and that he needed me in his life. That he just couldn't make it through his marriage without me there, etc. I'm sure he cried to her and begged her to stay and that he will do anything to save their marriage but he is only doing it to stay with his kids.

 

There is no what that I am the only OW that hasn't been angry at the MM wife at one point in time of the healing process.

 

 

She wasn't why he had affairs.

 

He had affairs because HE had affairs.

 

You even know this wasn't his first.

Why are you pinning that on HER?

She the VICTIM here, and you helped VICTIMIZE her regardless of whether or not she is 'likeable' in your eyes.

 

And frankly I wouldn't be too charitable to a woman screwing my husband either!

 

Especially one who is treating me like a "competitor" what the heck is that?

 

Why do you not hold HIM responsible for his own actions?

He didn't have to screw ANYONE outside of his marriage, ever.

 

MOST people DON'T.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She wasn't why he had affairs.

 

He had affairs because HE had affairs.

 

You even know this wasn't his first.

Why are you pinning that on HER?

She the VICTIM here, and you helped VICTIMIZE her regardless of whether or not she is 'likeable' in your eyes.

 

And frankly I wouldn't be too charitable to a woman screwing my husband either!

 

Especially one who is treating me like a "competitor" what the heck is that?

 

Why do you not hold HIM responsible for his own actions?

He didn't have to screw ANYONE outside of his marriage, ever.

 

MOST people DON'T.

 

She is just upset and venting. This is the OW/OM board. Your post does nothing to help her. Why are you here?

[dreamingoftigers]

Come on dreaming if tigers, your post is not helpful at this stage in her grief. I completely understand your pain but if posts on the OW board trigger you it may be better for you to avoid bring here.

 

AHG, most of the comments you've received are helpful and have your recovery in mind as opposed to simple berating- hopefully if you step away for a couple of days you can come back and objectively see this. You did come across as being somewhat superior to the BW which understandably upset a few people here, but I've no doubt that your mind is in complete turmoil at the moment and you don't really know what you think! I don't believe that your emotions and thoughts are 'right' or 'wrong' and they are likely to change as you deal with your grieving.

 

I am long past Dday and not having a "trigger"

 

Although I rarely feel the need to defend my post to any apologists, here we go:

 

She wasn't able to empathize with the person she victimized. Often people who aren't able to empathize with others view them as "more powerful and withholding." OP fits this to a T. She acts as though the wife won a "power struggle" and is withholding both MM and his freedom. This is VASTLY not the case.

 

Those who participate in cheating often view themselves or their AP (OR both themselves AND AP as victims to another awful force, usually it is the unaware spouse. Sometimes it's 'his poor childhood' or 'her significant loss/flaw/addiction/loneliness."

 

But the reality is that neither WS or AP tend to be real, actual victims but use that reasoning to make the choice to cheat.

 

Sometimes logic snaps people back to reality from living in that delusion.

 

It's very annoying to suggest "oh you poor thing, you aren't helping because you're triggered."

 

No, READ what I posted, rebuke the reasoning if you must but not what you suspect my emotional narrative might be.

[dreamingoftigers]

She is just upset and venting. This is the OW/OM board. Your post does nothing to help her. Why are you here?

 

Yes i know what board this is. That's why I am here.

 

To point out that her ex-AP is a GROWN MAN that made CHOICES and not a VICTIM or someone she should put ANY stock into.

 

OP needs to seriously evaluate who she chooses to be intimate with because intimacy binds you emotionally to people.

 

If they can't demonstrate trustworthiness and honesty, then you need to treat them like they ARE a health risk, because by becoming intimate with them, they actually BECOME a health risk.

 

And it doesn't just affect OP, she has children. Not cool.

[Cloudcuckoo]

She is just upset and venting. This is the OW/OM board. Your post does nothing to help her. Why are you here?

 

I believe DOT is here for the same reason other woman/man posts in the infidelity discussions...a different perspective. That can be helpful and offer insight.

 

That's not wrong just because one has a different perspective, is it?

 

The whole sorry business is just difficult for everyone involved frankly.

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

Until you fully accept your responsibility in your own hurt, you won't get anywhere in healing. Part of being an adult is taking personal responsibility and being accountable for your actions. Nobody held a gun to your head to start this affair.

 

You need to come to terms with the fact that you've been used by a serial cheater and get on with the next stage of your life.

 

When you have a relationship that has to be hidden, you know it's wrong and you should also know that part of being the OW, means you may have times where you worry about your MMs safety, but cannot contact him by going round to his house (as one would if it wasn't an affair) you just have to worry on your own. You have to know your place as an OW.

 

Learn from your wrong choice and soldier on. That's all you can do now. As well as not seeing yourself as a victim when you were a willing participant.

[winterkeep]

I am long past Dday and not having a "trigger"

 

 

No, READ what I posted, rebuke the reasoning if you must but not what you suspect my emotional narrative might be.

 

Really? Is that why you're continually around here casting stones and people in pain who have already left their affairs?

 

You can't accuse one person of lacking empathy with such a voracious lack of your own without coming across as extremely bitter and hypocritical. What's your motivation? To make her see the truth so that she never enters an affair again? Or perhaps to make her feel appropriately evil, wrong and chastised? If the latter your posts (on a number of threads across this board) are appropriate, however; they are completely unsuitable if the former. You cannot belittle someone into actualisation and unless that's your intent what are you doing here in the first place. Most people manage to be honest yet supportive to those in pain here regardless of the side of the affair tale they are on, you cannot hence my assessment (and no not assumption) that you are triggering.

[winterkeep]

There's no set time line AHG, getting over this isn't as simple as waiting for a set period of time to pass especially as there are a few co morbid factors that go along with being involved in an affair. I believe that there are three main areas you may need to work on, the most immediate being getting to a point that you are through this pain and are then emotionally strong enough to sort out the rest which is why you allowed yourself to be treated in such a manner and why you were ok with being in an affair.

 

It's a lot to deal with and is going to require a lot of work on yourself but you can come out of this stronger and more settled

 

Read my thread titled "hope" it is very possible to get through this and to find yourself in a happy, positive place again. Appreciate the small stuff, in my side of the world spring has just started. Last autumn I planted bulbs outside of the picture windows in my dining room and they've all just bloomed, I had my morning coffee reading the paper looking out at all the beautiful flowers. As the sun was out today (finally!) I went for a long run around the lake at lunch, it was beautiful - all of the cherry trees have blossomed and swans were out with their cygnets and after work I went to the gym and then yoga.

 

I'm hesitant to add this as it's also the least nice part of my day (but still nice!) I received some supportive texts from my 'potential' who is away for work. Nice, but I'm definitely finding my happiness and contentment comes from me and not from a mans actions - you definitely don't need external validation to be happy.

 

I took so much pleasure in all of these things and I think it's the first step, just notice what's around you. I bet you have so much goodness in your life that you've been ignoring to focus on him.

Edited September 5, 2016 by winterkeep

[Adoraxx]

Is been a year and I still miss and think of him 24/7. My mind wonders about him. That's why it baffles me so much how he can walk pass me like he's never met me before. I guess as wonderful as my job, I might eventually leave.

 

For me it has been more than a year too and I still miss and think about him 24/7 too BUT I think it has a lot to do with you and I being 'around' them. You at your work place and I in my neighborhood... I hope you can find a new job!! I'm going to move and I really really hope that it will speed up my healing because right now I feel like I'm not 'going anywhere' when it comes to that...

 

Knowing that they are so nearby, keeps you somewhat on edge because you never know when or if they'll start talking to you again. It sort of keeps you in 'waiting' mode even if you don't even want to wait :/. I always feel on edge here

[Ahurtgirl]

I have learned that a MM will tell a thousand lies. I have learned that even though I was honest with him about everything in my life, my feelings, etc., he feels he could never trust me because I was his AP. Just like most of you, I was not the cheating kind. I fell in love. I have no desire to ever get into a situation like that again. I am responsible for allowing my heart to experience love like I never had known before. However, he was the cheating kind. I was not his first affair. I could never trust him as I caught him in so many lies. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about other online relationships he was having, he lied about how his affair with a coworker before meeting me had ended but it had re-established this past year. I continue to learn more about his lies each day. He said his wife forced him to cut contact, now I have learned that she gave him the opportunity to leave but he chose to stay. I know who he really is and I am thankful I can walk away from his lies. I hope I can someday help others to not make the same mistake I have. Learn from my mistake and if you have the strength, leave your MM/OW before it comes out in the open so others don't get hurt and focus on healing yourself and if you are in a committed relationship, make that your primary focus to see if it can be healed and if not, decide to end one relationship before starting another.

[Thewalkingdread]

A hurtgirl, good luck in walking away, I wish I had the strength to do the same, the lies I've been told by my AP I could write a book, when I confront him he always has an answer and I'm the one left questioning my sanity, please be strong and go NC, I will do it one day before he totally destroys me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Really? Is that why you're continually around here casting stones and people in pain who have already left their affairs?

 

"Continually." If you have the chance to read my posting history, you will see a broad swath of responses from empathy to hardness given the poster. Much of it is based on BEHAVIOUR, but more often it is based on the OP's OWN REACTION to their behaviour.

 

When an OP attempts to blame shift, my general response is to shift it right back. Why? Because saying "oh gosh you poor thing everyone hurt you and you didn't do anything wrong and your poor MM trapped there in 'Hell' there's not a single thing you should have done differently, let's all rage against his wife......." only perpetuates the EXACT kind of thinking that will a) get her hoovered back into the affair when MM misses a second warm body, b) potentially stoke the gire for more crazy contact between OW and wife when OW is upset about something and c) keep her mindset to enter another affair, even though right now she's upset about how this one ended. Don't like it? Tough. It's a public forum.

 

You can't accuse one person of lacking empathy with such a voracious lack of your own without coming across as extremely bitter and hypocritical.

 

Sticks and stones.

 

I don't have much empathy for people WHILST they are victimizing someone, especially when they are upset that their victimization didn't work out. I tend to have empathy for people that are remorseful, or at the very least CONFUSED. This is targeted.

 

What's your motivation?

 

It's been explained twice.

 

To make her see the truth so that she never enters an affair again? [/Quote]

 

That's one, yes.

 

Or perhaps to make her feel appropriately evil, wrong and chastised? [/Quote]

 

No. Despite the juxtaposition to try to make it seem so.

I believe people are both their 1. Neural Function and 2. Their History, basically "the hardware" (I.e. how their brains work) and "the software" (the information put into their brains through life experience etc.). So if there's an issue with "good vs. evil" blah blah blah, than it simply rests either in the person's neurological function or their History. Having had significant challenges in my younger years, I totally see how people cannot see past their own grief (it can easily turn to a form of narcissism). That being said, they are still FULLY RESPONSIBLE for their choices and their effect on others.

 

So it isn't about "evil" so you can stop reading that into things.

 

If the latter your posts (on a number of threads across this board) are appropriate, however; they are completely unsuitable if the former. You cannot belittle someone into actualisation and unless that's your intent what are you doing here in the first place. [/Quote]

 

Are you a moderator?

 

I didn't think so.

 

Nor are you a member of an Etiquette Police force. although I find it totally ironic that you seek to educate ME about empathy and morality on a thread where someone is upset because someone else's husband she was sleeping with went back to his wife. Wow. the day my words on this forum increases someone's STD risk, I'll get more concerned.

 

Most people manage to be honest yet supportive to those in pain here regardless of the side of the affair tale they are on, you cannot hence my assessment (and no not assumption) that you are triggering.

 

"Most people" "you cannot." "It's not an assumption"

 

You seriously don't know me or know my triggers.

 

I seriously hope you don't work in a mental health field because shaming language doesn't help anyone. I don't claim to be "above it all" but if you are going "educate" me, you might want to figure out how to present yourself as something other than condescending and all-knowing about me and why I do things. Nor are you acquainted with my story or posting history (obviously).

 

My shock at OP's actions and behaviour DOES NOT extend from any of my own D-days which didn't involve OW in the more "traditional" sense. My shock comes from a much earlier time in my life, around the age of seven when I found out about what affairs were and taljed with my mother about them. She had a very strong moral code. At that point in my life I had enough sense to put together that if a married guy would lie to his wife's face, he clearly wasn't good marriage material and didn't respect her. So why would he tell the truth to an OW he wasn't married to? Why in the world would she even want a guy who CHEATS? Because that's what he does.....

 

So my shock and head-smacking comes from my SEVEN year old self. Not my 26 year old self.

 

You can PM me if you wish to psychoanalyze me any further. Done with this lame thread-jack. My posts aren't up for democratic review and winterkeep's approval.

[Beautywithin]

For me it has been more than a year too and I still miss and think about him 24/7 too BUT I think it has a lot to do with you and I being 'around' them. You at your work place and I in my neighborhood... I hope you can find a new job!! I'm going to move and I really really hope that it will speed up my healing because right now I feel like I'm not 'going anywhere' when it comes to that...

 

Knowing that they are so nearby, keeps you somewhat on edge because you never know when or if they'll start talking to you again. It sort of keeps you in 'waiting' mode even if you don't even want to wait :/. I always feel on edge here

 

Im experiencing the same thing at the moment, seeing him every day at work and he just blanks me like i dont even exist , im always on edge and can't enjoy work anymore,

[Ahurtgirl]

We are in NC and we will never talk again in this life time. It ended very badly. There is no recovering and irreversible damage has been done. I will pray for his family for healing and I will hope to find someone who loves me the way I need to be loved someday.