Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[msoptimistic]

Hi hurtgirl. I have posted much on here about my struggle with the idea that somehow my MM's wife had "won". I have so much wanted to tell her whats going on because I truly felt she deserved to know. But I will also admit that I was scared it would push them closer together. Not that my motive was to break them up (although during some very bad times, I would have hurt her just to see him hurt but always waited till that feeling passed).

 

Many people here say that once a cheater always a cheater and while I am sure some people do stop, once someone has felt that high that goes along with an A, they often end up there again. She has to know this. And I have also found that those who go out of their way to portray a wonderful M are often trying to convince themselves. Only time will tell if they have successfully moved on, but thats not your future. I dont know about God punishing us (OW) for the sake of someone else's happiness but I do know we have made some very poor decisions that can hurt alot of people so we have to accept that there will be pain for us in some form.

 

I think we have to find a way of dealing with the pain that our minds can accept and -as I have been saying alot lately- do the adult unselfish thing and move on. Rebuild our self respect and work on priorities. I tell myself all day everyday that at some point I will come out on the other side of this battle as a happier, more peaceful person who has done right by the kids involved as well as the adults involved. Its late and I am rambling but keep on fighting for yourself. You deserve it.

Edited November 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HadMeOverABarrel]

As I was reading your post I kept feeling like I wanted to give you a hug! I can so relate to what you wrote and have had many of the same thoughts. For me the thought especially that he gets to carry on with his happy life (with all those in it none the wiser) and he can pretend I never existed while I remain torn up on the inside wondering if he was just using me the whole time... Terrible painful thought and I know how it feels. Don't want to think it's true but it feels like it now. Sending you love and hope you find your happiness again soon! and hope we get over the icky anger. Personally I've really had to temper my rage inside about this...somehow I've managed not to act out in anger, contact him to give him a piece of my mind, or show up after his work and kick him in the nuts. Somehow, sister, we will make it thru. Stay strong and love yourself first!

[Lady2163]

You had a relationship with a MM that some on here would say was atypical. There were actual identifiable things the bs was doing that caused the marriage to deteriorate. All too often on here the bs is the "perfect spouse".

 

But that won't make you feel better. Nor will me hemming and hawing around the fact you were sadly just a port in the storm. After 4.5 years he had to know how you felt about him. Yet, he disregards YOUR feelings and brags about how wonderful things are now with wife...and without you. Unless he is a total blockhead, he has to know how hurtful that can be.

 

At some point you will be able to remove him from he pedestal you have him on and get good and mad at him. I don't know how old you are, but it is a real lousy thing he did, you have wasted 4.5 precious years of your life. Assuming you had long term plans with him.

 

Once you realize how awful he actually is, once you process the anger, you will start to heal.

[aileD]

If God used you as a pawn to help his marriage heal, there was something God wanted YOU to get out of it too. You should try to think about what that could be. As they say, God will never throw something at you that he doesn't think you can handle.

 

You are dealing with pain now, maybe God wants you to learn from this to love yourself and to only accept being treated respectfully in the future relationships. He's shown you what the wrong person looks like, so you can find the right person. Maybe he's taught you how to be a better wife to the good man that will be your husband some day, to know to recognize some things that can lead to the breaskdown of a marriage so that YOU can have a strong marriage and full life with the right person. Maybe God put you here so your story can help other women not end up in the same pain.

 

There is good in everything. You just have to find it...it's not always in plain view, sometimes you have to seek it out.

 

((((hug))))

[heartwhole]

People's beliefs are very personal, of course, and I do think people need a framework for viewing their lives as meaningful, but I just can't believe that God sets up adultery just to help a couple's marriage and destroy an OW in the process. The religions I know all say that adultery is a sin, for one thing. That's like saying that God had someone murder someone else so that the murderer could become a better person. How about, maybe God meant it when He gave us commandments to follow, and when we don't, that's not Him pulling the strings, that's us wandering off the path?

 

You have every right to feel that your xMM used you as a pawn, and to be angry about that. But perhaps part of the problem is that you didn't give yourself enough empowerment and ownership of your life in the first place. When you began the affair, did you justify it with thoughts like, "God must have brought us together for a reason," "God must have plans for us," etc.? If so, then in that moment you chose not to own what you were doing and to pin it on God, as though God is some kind of cosmic adultery match-maker. So then later when it ended badly and xMM rode off into the sunset with his BW, you had to rewrite the part about God having plans for you to be together into God having plans for you to be better people separately. And that leaves you as some pitiful cosmic pawn rather than an empowered woman who is free to choose good things or bad things.

 

It's empowering to know that no matter who or what enters or leaves your life, you are a strong woman of faith who is going to be OK. That is well and good. I'd try not to blame God or Fate for your own choices, though, because I think that will keep you from realizing your full potential. If your xMM is truly making his marriage and life better, then that is in spite of his terrible choices, not as an effortless bonus of his terrible choices. That is because of conscious choice and hard work. Likewise, I believe if you are going to keep moving forward and becoming a better person, it will be because you make a conscious decision to make good choices.

[OneLov]

People's beliefs are very personal, of course, and I do think people need a framework for viewing their lives as meaningful, but I just can't believe that God sets up adultery just to help a couple's marriage and destroy an OW in the process. The religions I know all say that adultery is a sin, for one thing. That's like saying that God had someone murder someone else so that the murderer could become a better person. How about, maybe God meant it when He gave us commandments to follow, and when we don't, that's not Him pulling the strings, that's us wandering off the path?<snip>

 

I remember as kid, the foregoing logical conundrum is what convinced me God is just fiction. Even then it seemed ridiculous. How do you reconcile the idea of free will with "God's master plan?" It's all working backwards to fill the narrative. The idea of good vs. evil is too human of a plot device.

 

I think Obi-wan Kenobi (more fiction) got it right. "Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

 

***the above is only my opinion and sorry if I offended anyone's personal beliefs. Trust me, I hope more than anyone God really exists.

Edited November 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GollumsNightmare]

Three things I am certain of:

 

1. God will not send you a married man to be your soulmate.

 

2. God will not "use" you to save someone else's marriage.

 

3. The OW does not suffer the most when these things come to an end. (I have been on both sides of this)

 

The only way someone can use you as a pawn for 4.5 YEARS is if you are an active participant. Accept your role in this damaging relationship (to both you and the BS) and learn from it. Stay away from people that will share word of mouth updates on the status of his marriage. That is not your business and it never was. He is not someone to remember fondly or with respect. He doesn't deserve that.

 

Find new friends and a new life. Your future is out there, you just need to leave this past in your rear view mirror.

[Lady2163]

Three things I am certain of:

 

1. God will not send you a married man to be your soulmate.

 

2. God will not "use" you to save someone else's marriage.

 

3. The OW does not suffer the most when these things come to an end. (I have been on both sides of this)

 

The only way someone can use you as a pawn for 4.5 YEARS is if you are an active participant. Accept your role in this damaging relationship (to both you and the BS) and learn from it. Stay away from people that will share word of mouth updates on the status of his marriage. That is not your business and it never was. He is not someone to remember fondly or with respect. He doesn't deserve that.

 

Find new friends and a new life. Your future is out there, you just need to leave this past in your rear view mirror.

 

I respectfully and courteously disagree - the OW can be the "most" destroyed in an affair. She is thrown under the bus as the MM throws himself back into the marriage. There is hysterical bonding and placing the wife first.

 

Obviously, not in all instances. But in this instance, there is potential for the OW to be much worse off and the married couple to heal and excel.

[aileD]

I respectfully and courteously disagree - the OW can be the "most" destroyed in an affair. She is thrown under the bus as the MM throws himself back into the marriage. There is hysterical bonding and placing the wife first.

 

Obviously, not in all instances. But in this instance, there is potential for the OW to be much worse off and the married couple to heal and excel.

 

We should just agree affairs are the worst for everyone. It's probably the worst thing that happened in my life ....but it's probably the worst thing that happened in OWs life too (so far anyway). And i think H would agree too.

[Ruffian1]

Just remember, he may come sniffing around again when the mood strikes and / or things cool down at home. If he doesn't have a new side OW.

 

Happens all the time.

 

What are you going to do if he does?

 

I know you wish he would contact you.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

[BTDT2012]

I respectfully and courteously disagree - the OW can be the "most" destroyed in an affair. She is thrown under the bus as the MM throws himself back into the marriage. There is hysterical bonding and placing the wife first.

 

Obviously, not in all instances. But in this instance, there is potential for the OW to be much worse off and the married couple to heal and excel.

 

The difference is that the OW/OM chose to open themselves up to that destruction. The "most destroyed" is the BS.

[Scarlett94]

Completely agree with you BTDT! I had no choice in this at all.

But on D Day he couldn't toss her under the bus fast enough. Blocked without a word from him. I however had a chat with her.

I was completely blindsided and we have since reconciled.

But there was zero chance I was going to let some woman destroy the safety and security of my child without a fight.

To ever blame the BS is wrong.

My marriage should never be anyone else's business.

[Ahurtgirl]

Recently was contacted by my Ex MM wife and she wanted to verify that her husband and myself have not been in contact. I was able to give her a resounded answer that I have not been in contact. Hell would freeze over before that will ever happened. I explained to her how much I actually hate her husband now and that if anything, I should have pursued a lawsuit against him for his emotional manipulation to get me to have sex with him. He took advantage of my venerable emotional state and all to often men pry on women by finding their weakness and getting what they want. I told her if he ever makes contact, I will press charges against him and a lawsuit will be filed against him. I told her that Hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Needless to say, if you are a betrayed spouse, know that the OW will never go back if your husband reaches out. Be more concerned for retaliation for your husband's stupidity.

[BuddyX]

Agree. But you can't go after someone (in court) because they took advantage of you emotionally. That's like suing McDonald's because it's on your way to work and you gained some weight.

 

You have to own your own baggage and be accountable.

[Mr. Lucky]

He took advantage of my venerable emotional state and all to often men pry on women by finding their weakness and getting what they want.

 

Was the weakness he took advantage of your willingness to date married men :confused: ???

 

I can see how that might put you in a tough position...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Recently was contacted by my Ex MM wife and she wanted to verify that her husband and myself have not been in contact. I was able to give her a resounded answer that I have not been in contact. Hell would freeze over before that will ever happened. I explained to her how much I actually hate her husband now and that if anything, I should have pursued a lawsuit against him for his emotional manipulation to get me to have sex with him. He took advantage of my venerable emotional state and all to often men pry on women by finding their weakness and getting what they want. I told her if he ever makes contact, I will press charges against him and a lawsuit will be filed against him. I told her that Hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Needless to say, if you are a betrayed spouse, know that the OW will never go back if your husband reaches out. Be more concerned for retaliation for your husband's stupidity.

 

Many do, though, just go read in the other section, some hope that exMM will contact again. Good that you hate him and want nothing to do with him!

[Lady2163]

There are some women who give off what I call the "victim vibe." Often they are the ones who don't speak up when someone disses them or they may be a little too open about their lifetime misfortunes. I think it takes some aging and maturity before you figure out what you can and can't say. An abuser can spot these women easily.

 

It used to be, say 30 years or more ago you just knew which girls would have man issues because they had daddy issues. If their father was a doctor, preacher, or service member there was a pretty good chance they had some baggage. One of my closest friends in high school had a mother who was a professional and her dad was a teacher and three season coach. She is one of the most neglected (middle class) people I have ever met. She always ate breakfast alone and often supper was peanut butter and jelly. Her only hot meal was school lunch. I remember she was so excited when they got a microwave and her mom would let her "make" canned soup. She's had a string of abusive, manipulative boyfriends and she never made peace with her dad and has been in therapy a long time. Her dad had time for everyone else's kid, but not for her.

 

I guess what I'm telling you is: not everyone is your friend. Not every married man is "safe". Many have an agenda and they will groom their prey. I'm not saying everyone is out to get you, but it never hurts to pause and think, "what does this person want from me?" Some people enjoy your company and want to be your friend and/or coworker. And some men who are taken are looking for a favorable reaction. It can be as simple as them telling an explicit joke or giving a compliment that has a sexual component. I'm not saying you have to run to HR, but looking uncomfortable or changing the subject can go a long way. Do t give them the validation and opening they are looking for.

 

Good luck in your healing process.

[anika99]

I'm glad you won't ever go back OP. That shows that you have grown and realize you are worth better. Unfortunately you cannot put all betrayed spouses' minds at ease because many OW do go back, over and over again.

[Chica80]

It used to be, say 30 years or more ago you just knew which girls would have man issues because they had daddy issues. If their father was a doctor, preacher, or service member there was a pretty good chance they had some baggage.

 

Father- preacher

MM-doctor

 

and they are very much alike.....They both want to "save the whole world"

[Lion Heart]

I'm glad you won't ever go back OP. That shows that you have grown and realize you are worth better. Unfortunately you cannot put all betrayed spouses' minds at ease because many OW do go back, over and over again.

 

It shouldn't be about OW or OM and whether THEY would go back. Sorry OP, but infidelity in M is ALL on the cheating spouse.

 

OW and OM are everywhere potentially.

 

Marraige is about TWO PEOPLE only and their COMMITMENT TO each other. Not about the other billions of people on the face of the earth.

 

Not about how many APs come a knocking, in my case for me. Nor how many women are "up for it" in exWH here's case.

 

It's simpler than that.

 

A worthy spouse has stable character and cannot be tempted by any potential AP.

 

I'm not sure what happened in your case OP but there needs to be a GOOD AMOUNT of vetting before entering sexual relationships with any hope for long term. Getting the bars up thick around you like a SHARK CAGE helps. Number 1 test...married? ....FAIL TO GET THROUGH.

 

No matter how much of a sob story lol.

No matter what the "story" is.

 

Don't give men like this the time of day! They are after 1 thing and it's an easy outlet. MOST MM have no intention whatsoever of leaving the M. They are simply cake-eaters.

 

Why take the risk?

It is usually because of the OWs own issues that sexual predators DO PICK THEIR PREY. It's like they have a radar that detects such.

 

Just don't open yourself up to it.

 

The MM has probably moved on to other OW now. His BW will always be looking over his shoulder. Or her own.

 

Best wishes for your strength and discernment.

 

Lion Heart

[Starswillshine]

I think the OW in my case didn't get that memo. As she keeps trying every method she can to contact WH. Sigh.

[sadwife48]

I'm sorry you were hurt, but most OW should be nothing but kind to the wife - and give her the peace of mind that she requests. The wife is innocent - she is the most injured party.

[Lady2163]

Father- preacher

MM-doctor

 

and they are very much alike.....They both want to "save the whole world"

 

I'm not dissing either your father or MM (just so you know), but depending on size of congregation and clientele, growing up you may never have had a family meal that wasn't interrupted by the phone or family event that wasn't cut short by your dad having to leave. Did your parents take two cars everywhere they went or did your mom have to catch a ride with someone because your dad had to leave? Again, size matters and number of associate pastors matter as well.

 

I'm from a small town. The Preachers kids, the teachers kids and the police officers kids were all very nice and decent, but they were sneaky as hell. They had to be, if they were caught their lecture and punishment was often more image based than anything else.

[Chica80]

I'm not dissing either your father or MM (just so you know), but depending on size of congregation and clientele, growing up you may never have had a family meal that wasn't interrupted by the phone or family event that wasn't cut short by your dad having to leave. Did your parents take two cars everywhere they went or did your mom have to catch a ride with someone because your dad had to leave? Again, size matters and number of associate pastors matter as well.

 

I'm from a small town. The Preachers kids, the teachers kids and the police officers kids were all very nice and decent, but they were sneaky as hell. They had to be, if they were caught their lecture and punishment was often more image based than anything else.

 

No offense taken. I know I have clear daddy issues. Dad was a workaholic. Everyone else always came first. He was not often around. Because he was out "saving everyone else". As an adult I can understand this and know it's not a reflection of me, but as a child you don't understand. Why not me why am I not enough? What do I have to do to make you love me?

These things very much play out in my relationship w MM.

 

Always had a meal warm "home". Mom had her own set of issues.

 

It's why I'm in therapy......

Edited December 23, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Ahurtgirl]

I think the OW in my case didn't get that memo. As she keeps trying every method she can to contact WH. Sigh.

 

Give it time. Remember that your husband more than likely pursued her just like he pursued you when you first fell in love with him (even if he claims she chased after him and makes her out to be a crazy bunny boiler) and she needs time to let him go as she too loves him. That more she is trying to keep contact, the more proof you have that she is also very hurt from the end of her relationship with your husband and also how deep her feelings are for him. Time will help her to let go. You are lucky he chose to be with you and can focus on working on your marriage. She is suffering with losing him and all the guilt she feels for all that happened and also struggling in her own married life of neglect and disappointments. Everyone suffers.