At a loss

[Taryn1522]

guess i should start with the basics, I’ll start off with i am a lesbian and in a relationship since last November. Everything was going great up until about 2 months ago, when my gf’s ex’s (who mind you has cased us NOTHING but problems constantly talking crap, keyed my car, makes sure she causes some sort of drama anytime we see her out, since we got together) mother passed away && she called on my gf, Of course i told her to go be there for her, after all they had been friends for years before their relationship ( I’m not the type of person to EVER tell someone what to do, and death is as everyone knows something awful to deal with) I even when as far as sending my condolences to the ex who responded with “you’re a F**ked up person” i let it go, her mom just died… right? i mean its not like i just told my gf it was fine for her to go be there for her, you know the female that has made our lives hell for idk the last year? well over the past month and a half or so, my gf has stopped texting me throughout the day, and when she’s here she is on her phone.. and for the most part ignoring me… her ex, tells her she’s going to “whoop my ass” (bc god knows we are all kids apparently) and is always telling her how she is still in love with her, and my gf does NOTHING to defend me or our relationship

 

now mind you if i even talk to an ex.. she acts like i just went out made a sex tape and sent it to her. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I’m so beyond lost.

[Clay]

I think you need to make a stand. I would tell your gf you no longer feel comfortable with her talking to her x. I would tell her she can do what she wants but if the x is still in the picture in any way then you will be removing yourself out of it.

 

All you can do is set healthy boundaries for you. If your girlfriend refuses to see just how manipulative her x is then that is her problem not yours.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you tried to do the right thing and now your being kicked for it. Don't stop being a good person. There will be other people out there that will reward you for that.

 

C

[Zahara]

now mind you if i even talk to an ex.. she acts like i just went out made a sex tape and sent it to her. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I’m so beyond lost.

 

When I was dating my ex, I had an email come in from my boss and it was rather late at night. Just work. But when he saw it, he went ballistic. Accusing me of cheating. Turns out he was the cheater.

 

Seeing that she does not prioritize you or the relationship - it sounds like she is checking out. Hopefully she's making it hard for you in that you will pull the plug. The fact that she has set no boundaries is indicative that she's interested in the attention that she is getting from this other women.

[Taryn1522]

I think you need to make a stand. I would tell your gf you no longer feel comfortable with her talking to her x. I would tell her she can do what she wants but if the x is still in the picture in any way then you will be removing yourself out of it.

 

All you can do is set healthy boundaries for you. If your girlfriend refuses to see just how manipulative her x is then that is her problem not yours.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you tried to do the right thing and now your being kicked for it. Don't stop being a good person. There will be other people out there that will reward you for that.

 

C

 

I have tried to talk to her about things, she always ends up making me feel like the bad guy bc "her mom just died, she has no one" i stubbled across some messages between the 2 of them, and even tho there are no "lines crossed" the lines seem to be blurred in a way. or maybe im just being dramatic...

 

thank you for the kind words <3

[Taryn1522]

When I was dating my ex, I had an email come in from my boss and it was rather late at night. Just work. But when he saw it, he went ballistic. Accusing me of cheating. Turns out he was the cheater.

 

Seeing that she does not prioritize you or the relationship - it sounds like she is checking out. Hopefully she's making it hard for you in that you will pull the plug. The fact that she has set no boundaries is indicative that she's interested in the attention that she is getting from this other women.

 

thats how i see it as well, but then she does things like last night, she asked me to talk to her bc i was in tears.. it was late 3am? i did tell her no not right now, i didnt want to fight and she doesnt seem to hear me when i talk to her, when i tell her how i feel she quickly shuts me down and tells me that im wrong.

 

she then pulls me close and is in tears herself (she doesnt cry often) and while half asleep says "please dont leave me"

[Zahara]

thats how i see it as well, but then she does things like last night, she asked me to talk to her bc i was in tears.. it was late 3am? i did tell her no not right now, i didnt want to fight and she doesnt seem to hear me when i talk to her, when i tell her how i feel she quickly shuts me down and tells me that im wrong.

 

she then pulls me close and is in tears herself (she doesnt cry often) and while half asleep says "please dont leave me"

 

This was my ex. I think they exhibit "kind and compassionate" when it's convenient for them as in if it helps benefit their motive. It really isn't about your feelings because if it were, they wouldn't be dismissing how you feel.

 

She's shifting this on you because it takes the focus off her. It's called gaslighting. It's done to manipulate the truth and make you question your judgment.

 

I think deep down you know what's going on. This one sounds like the kind who wants to have you as security while she gets to do whatever she wants regardless of whether it breaks boundaries -- and that's because it's all about her selfish needs/wants.

[Taryn1522]

This was my ex. I think they exhibit "kind and compassionate" when it's convenient for them as in if it helps benefit their motive. It really isn't about your feelings because if it were, they wouldn't be dismissing how you feel.

 

She's shifting this on you because it takes the focus off her. It's called gaslighting. It's done to manipulate the truth and make you question your judgment.

 

I think deep down you know what's going on. This one sounds like the kind who wants to have you as security while she gets to do whatever she wants regardless of whether it breaks boundaries -- and that's because it's all about her selfish needs/wants.

 

 

the crazy part is i dont think at all that she is CHEATING, nor wants to be with her ex in anyway at all..its just that the ex is just soooooo disrespectful and i feel like she doesnt get it and if she does get it, she doesnt care. I feel like .. okay this is the only want i know how to explain it.

 

I can hang out with my ex or whoever bc i KNOW im not going to nor am i doing anything wrong, i will not cross lines or disrespect our relationship in any way shape or form.

BUT

I'm not okay with you doing it because even tho i believe you, part of me doesn't know for sure bc well its not me.

 

idk if that makes sense at all

[flintstone]

the crazy part is i dont think at all that she is CHEATING, nor wants to be with her ex in anyway at all..its just that the ex is just soooooo disrespectful and i feel like she doesnt get it and if she does get it, she doesnt care. I feel like .. okay this is the only want i know how to explain it.

 

I can hang out with my ex or whoever bc i KNOW im not going to nor am i doing anything wrong, i will not cross lines or disrespect our relationship in any way shape or form.

BUT

I'm not okay with you doing it because even tho i believe you, part of me doesn't know for sure bc well its not me.

 

idk if that makes sense at all

 

Your gut feeling is probably right. Good luck to you.

[Satu]

I'd start preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the end of this relationship if I were you, because that end will come.

 

The reason I believe this is because of the lack of empathy demonstrated by your gf.

 

She seems to have no problem being empathetic towards her ex.

 

That will get to be more and more bothersome to you, and will eventually become intolerable.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

the crazy part is i dont think at all that she is CHEATING, nor wants to be with her ex in anyway at all..its just that the ex is just soooooo disrespectful and i feel like she doesnt get it and if she does get it, she doesnt care. I feel like .. okay this is the only want i know how to explain it.

 

If I heard than an ex was telling my boyfriend to "F off" and "whoop my ass" and consistently feeding him crap, I'd put a boundary on it and remove all possible means of contact. Why? Because I care enough to protect my boyfriend and our relationship.

 

She doesn't care -- yes she doesn't care as to how it affects you. She doesn't even care to engage you when you are together.

 

I can hang out with my ex or whoever bc i KNOW im not going to nor am i doing anything wrong, i will not cross lines or disrespect our relationship in any way shape or form.

BUT

I'm not okay with you doing it because even tho i believe you, part of me doesn't know for sure bc well its not me.

 

idk if that makes sense at all

 

But she allows an ex to disrespect you? And she enables it by doing absolutely nothing about it. Where is your self-respect?

 

Sure, it's all about her. She can do whatever she wants but you can't. Seems like a an equal partnership.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Zahara

[Clay]

I have tried to talk to her about things, she always ends up making me feel like the bad guy bc "her mom just died, she has no one" i stubbled across some messages between the 2 of them, and even tho there are no "lines crossed" the lines seem to be blurred in a way. or maybe im just being dramatic...

 

thank you for the kind words <3

 

Your not just imaging this pain. Its real and your gf clearly does not care that your hurting. She is putting her x infront of you. You already did the right thing. Now you need to do it again. I would cut her loose and not give her a chance to say anything more to you. Its her job as your partner to look out for your not her x. She clearly has lost sight of that. I would just say your right you need to be here for your x. Clearly you both still have very strong feelings for each other and I am not interested in being a third wheel. Wish them the best and leave. Don't give her a chance to guilt you. If she tries just leave and plan to come back at another time to get your stuff.

 

Don't waste time on her. You deserve better.

 

C