Found out my gf has had a lot of FWB relationships, am I right to be concerned

[takenawayfrom]

I think this is jumping to very strong conclusions without knowing any details.

 

Maybe the woman (oh I'm so sick of referring to old-as** women as girls) didn't see a marriage potential in her 5 'FWB' relationships and that's why she referred to them as so.

 

I had one 'FWB' arrangement. I wonder shall I refer to it like that - but I knew this is not going to be something to last from day 1 (because of age, cultural, social etc differences). And I admit I was in love with someone else back then (yet completely platonic, but made me numb to the rest of the world). So this guy was the first man that I had sex with, I was the first woman that he introduced to his family (that I helped him reconnect with after 20+ years of separation). We had a connection, just not a potential for 'real' LTR/marriage. So we met primarily for sex most of the 1.5 years that we interacted.

 

Btw I also do NOT view sex as a 'sweaty sport' nor as a 'bonding intimacy'. I view it as a biological function that should be treated with responsibility.

 

So back to OP's GF - who the heck knows what HER 'FWB's were... But it is oh so easy to judge her...

 

Actually this sounds quite a lot like her, not in term of life but in terms of mentality. I know that her ex broke up with her, and she was gutted. She also told me that she cut it off with two of the FWB because they fell in love with her and wanted a relationship and she wasn't ready for that. Now however, she wants a proper relationship with me. I guess I should feel flattered, but I don't.

[takenawayfrom]

Talk to her and tell her what??

 

She cannot undo her FWB to make you feel better.

 

YOU are the only one that can make yourself feel better. If you cannot live with the fact your girlfriend is a sexually liberated woman than move on and find a conservative girlfriend.

 

It's not because sex is sacred for you that her liberal ways are wrong. She is just different.

 

I have had my share of FWB and in NO WAY it diminishes my physical and emotional experience with my boyfriend. They are 2 completely separate experience that cannot be compared.

 

I guess it's because I've never had sex for purely physical reasons, I've always either loved or felt very emotionally attached to the person I've had sex with so I just can't relate. I know it's my problem and I need to get over it now. It's just hard to do that sometimes.

[takenawayfrom]

I don't entirely disagree, but no one knows for certain.

 

Well, OP, your answer to your question is YES...maybe.

 

It really depends on the circumstances of the FWB relationships. You obviously don't know what really happened and how they ended, but you would be foolish to not be a little observant. Was she in a bad place? Is she now in a good place? I wouldn't be dismissive of this fact, but yeah, how did you find out?

 

I know that a couple ended because she felt they were too attached but I know the reason the last one ended, and why she stopped having casual relationships was because found our he was sleeping with another girl and he never told her. This freaked her out she thought it was gross and decided to stop having casual relationships.

 

I'm her first proper relationship since then

[anonymousbear00101100]

I think the main thing I'd have a problem with is that she'd still be friends with the other guy & possibly even hanging out with him/texting while knowing they had a lot of sex in the past. Call it insecure or whatever but I think it's a legitimate gripe to have. It's like you'd have to force yourself to be okay with it since if you say anything than it'll come across as you being insecure to her. I'd just personally rather be with someone that's not in contact with anyone they've had sex with in the past whether it's just a friend or ex bfs.

 

That is definitely a legitimate gripe. I do not keep in contact with any of my FWBs. If that happens I would bring it up to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable, because that is not fair of them. Like it was said above, FWBs usually have some feelings attached, and keeping in contact with them is the same as keeping in contact with an ex.

[Gaeta]

I guess it's because I've never had sex for purely physical reasons, I've always either loved or felt very emotionally attached to the person I've had sex with so I just can't relate. I know it's my problem and I need to get over it now. It's just hard to do that sometimes.

 

And you maybe feel that because she is capable of having sex for pleasure and needs only makes her experience with you less special?

 

Maybe you should view it the other way around. You are so special that she wants a relationship with you as contrary to the others, and therefor sex has a deeper meaning.

 

You know people that can separate sex and emotions don't love less. We love as deeply and as committed.

[Gaeta]

Also they are all friends of friends and she still sees all of them from time to time, I don't know who any of them are, I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

 

You mean she is still friends with them? keep in touch? or you mean they are acquaintances and sometimes she will randomly come across them?

 

Why should you know who they are? You really want to have a mental image of who she had casual sex with? If some of them are taller, more muscled, cuter then you'll start feeling insecure? you'll feel inadequate compared to them?

[phineas]

My FWB's are actual friends.

We don't always have sex when we hang out.

Sometime we wing for each other.

We aren't dating because there are incompatibilities that would make things very difficult to be in a relationship with each other so occasional sex works for us.

[oldshirt]

I guess it's because I've never had sex for purely physical reasons, I've always either loved or felt very emotionally attached to the person I've had sex with so I just can't relate. I know it's my problem and I need to get over it now. It's just hard to do that sometimes.

 

That's one of your core values. It's not a problem and there is no reason you should "get over it."

 

You and your GF have a difference in core values in regards to sexuality. Only you will be able to determine if that difference is a deal breaker or not.

 

A difference in core values is a very just reason for discontinuing a relationship. People break up over a heck of a lot lesser reasons every day.

 

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone and learn their values and mores and their interests and life-goals and temperments etc to determine if they are a good match for you or not and to see if that is the person you want to marry and have a home and family with for the remainder of your days.

 

A difference in core values is a valid reason to go back to the drawing board.

 

That doesn't mean that you have the right to judge her or put her down or disparage her in any way, just that she is not "the one."

 

Or perhaps you can recognize that you have a difference in core values over this topic, but everything else false into place and you may determine that a few past FWBs is something that has no real relevance today.

 

So I will leave it at this - you have the right and just cause to determine that you have difference in values on an important facet of life and you aren't able to continue the relationship in good faith. Yeah that sucks and it will hurt for everyone, but it is fair.

 

Or you may decide that you would not have done the same thing in the same situation, but that it's really not relevant today and that it's ok to carry on and put it in the past and not worry about it anymore. That also is fair.

 

What you really can't do though is continue the relationship but judge her and treat her dishonorably or look down your nose at her or throw it in her face any time you two argue or she makes you mad. It's fair to discontinue the relationship because her values and behaviors are different than yours. But it's unfair and just plain crappy to continue the relationship but hold it against her and devalue or disrespect her for it.

 

If you can't put it behind you and can't reconcile her behaviors with your core values, then you really do need to discontinue the relationship.

[oldshirt]

So I will leave it at this - you have the right and just cause to determine that you have difference in values on an important facet of life and you aren't able to continue the relationship in good faith. Yeah that sucks and it will hurt for everyone, but it is fair.

 

Or you may decide that you would not have done the same thing in the same situation, but that it's really not relevant today and that it's ok to carry on and put it in the past and not worry about it anymore. That also is fair.

 

What you really can't do though is continue the relationship but judge her and treat her dishonorably or look down your nose at her or throw it in her face any time you two argue or she makes you mad. It's fair to discontinue the relationship because her values and behaviors are different than yours. But it's unfair and just plain crappy to continue the relationship but hold it against her and devalue or disrespect her for it.

 

If you can't put it behind you and can't reconcile her behaviors with your core values, then you really do need to discontinue the relationship.

 

Let me put this a different way. If you are to marry someone and have a home and raise a family with them. You need to love and honor and cherish her and have a reverence for her as your life-partner and mother of your children. You need to hold her dear in your heart above all other women.

 

You will need to love and honor and cherish her to the degree that you will rub her swollen feet while she is carrying your child and go out into the night to get her pickles and mustard when she is having cravings and then hold her hair out of the toilet bowl as she pukes it back up with morning sickness.

 

You need to tend to her when she is sick. Comfort her when she is worried. Console her when she is sad. You need to honor and respect her family. Accept and welcome her friends.

 

A man should jump in front of bullet for her and run into a burning building to save his family.

 

The question you need to be asking yourself is, can you do all of this knowing what you know now?

 

Do you have this kind of honor and reverence for her knowing that has had a number of FWBs?

 

If you can sincerely and without hesitation say yes, then you need to work on dealing with it and putting it forever in the past and drive on.

 

If you cannot sincerely and without hesitation feel that way about her knowing what you know now, then you need to step back and reconsider whether this relationship is 'the one' or not.

 

If you cannot view her and treat her as describes above, then you need to step back and reevaluate and possibly step down.

 

The words love, honor, respect, cherish etc etc are not just words in a ceremony. They are expectations for which each of you is expected to feel about each other and how you treat each other always.

 

If you can't do that, then you have your answer.

 

That doesn't make her a bad person.

 

That doesn't make you a bad person.

 

It means you two aren't the right match for each other.

[central]

With FWBs do you normally keep in contact with them after the FWB relationship is over? Or do you just move on? Just something I'm curious about myself.

 

I've stayed friends with all my former FWB. The first letter does stand for "Friend,", and I don't discard friends (you may be thinking of f**k buddies or booty calls, if so). Now, if they later get in a relationship with someone who is bothered by us still being friends, then we'd go no contact.

[No_Go]

From what you just wrote here - she IS sensitive AND ethical person (she wouldn't string the guys along etc). Don't think too much about it. She chose you over them because she saw qualities in you that they didn't have.

 

I'm assuming she's an young woman, never married no kids - this matters because people act VERY differently towards relationships if they have a plan of family&house ahead vs just companionship&sex. If she wanted the latter AND the former from the same person - it makes sense she terminated the arrangements once she senses the person can't be suited for both roles. She has proven that she can be committed - she maintained 5 years relationship!

 

So instead of doubting her because of her past - focus on what you have at the current.

 

 

Actually this sounds quite a lot like her, not in term of life but in terms of mentality. I know that her ex broke up with her, and she was gutted. She also told me that she cut it off with two of the FWB because they fell in love with her and wanted a relationship and she wasn't ready for that. Now however, she wants a proper relationship with me. I guess I should feel flattered, but I don't.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

When I look at my FWB's ( I had a few at once), I just needed to compensate my lack of sex life at the time which was celibacy for seven years. So I had sex with maybe three at once? And then another one after that?

 

I was euphoric for the most part. It was like discovering sex all over again, getting taught stuff, etc.. I felt a little less sheltered and a bit more grown up. I think I needed it at the time.

 

When I was dating this guy two years ago, and he categorically asked the number of people I had slept with and if any were FWB. I told him first how many boyfriends I had, which was 1. He was thrilled about that and relieved ( surprised but relieved) then he asked how many people I had slept with I said 6 ( at the time) and I said three or four of them were FWB, then he was upset.

 

He still pursued me, but he admitted he couldn't quite shake it off.

 

The way I looked at it and explained it was, What was I suppose to do? I tried to get out there and find men to make me their girlfriend but to no avail, I dated and pursued men, but none of them eventuated into a relationship plus I was sexless... I needed sex. So I had to have it. I explained to the men at the time what I wanted, and I got it. Much easier to just get sex than to get a relationship I found, so I just kept going. Plus he had been sexless and relationship-less for seven years, so he was in no position to judge.

 

Some people go through major droughts, and so they need sex like food. I'm not sure what your girlfriend was and what her circumstance was but for me, I needed it. If men are going to judge me on what I decided to do at the time to keep me sane when celibacy was driving me INSANE, then it is none of their business and kind of sux that someone would judge me based on what I did in the past to keep my head on straight.

 

But like as someone said, if it is a core values thing then maybe the more you think about it, the more it will mess with you, and the more it will mess with you the more likely you'll end things.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Him and l had a four year discussion on why we cannot be and official couple. We put it to rest a long time ago. I think he is asking out of concern for my female friends are often asking how is my relationship.

 

Important to note l do not discuss details of my relationship with him.

 

I also think our friendship will slowly dissipate. Which is sad but my bf is more important.

 

Why would friends often ask how your relationship is going? Usually, it's none of anyone's business.

[BeholdtheMan]

It's obvs you have diff values so that's a major compatibility issue (and you don't get around that by not dealing w the feelings), but I will say that sex isn't necessarily meaningless for ppl who have a lot of it w a variety of partners. It may just be meaningful in a way that's diff than it is for you. Try not to judge.

 

He's free to judge as are we all

 

So I had sex with maybe three at once?

 

You got rotisseried/DPed?

Edited September 7, 2016 by BeholdtheMan

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

He's free to judge as are we all

 

 

 

You got rotisseried/DPed?

 

No. Just like sleeping with three different guys separately but at the same time. Just a few different guys during the week. The same as some men do sometimes. Long time ago though.

[Poutrew]

I would not call it chatting. He calls me, we speak 5-7 minutes. He told me he bought a motorcycle, I told him my kid had graduated, he asked if I am still happy with BF, I said I was over the moon. It was it.

 

No, I don't repeat this to my BF but I don't hide it either. It's useless information to me, and I am pretty sure it's useless information to him as well.

 

I think every situation calls for some judgement.

 

This man was my fwb for 1 year, then my friend for 3 years (with no sex). I think he qualifies more as a friend than anything else.

 

So your old FWB is still an orbiter, eh? You must have made a tremendous sexual impression on him for him to keep calling you every 3 months or so to see if you still have the boyfriend. You do realize that if you said, "No, my dear FWB, the BF walked out on me last month..." The very next thing that would happen is that FWB would be knocking on your door ready to continue banging you, just like the good old days, right? And you don't see this as important enough to completely walk away from out of respect to your BF? You don't think it would affect him to know that you are still talking with an old *uckbuddy on a regular basis...?

 

Wow. As a guy, if I found out my gf was still in regular communication with an old FWB, well, she'd be my ex GF.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

So your old FWB is still an orbiter, eh? You must have made a tremendous sexual impression on him for him to keep calling you every 3 months or so to see if you still have the boyfriend. You do realize that if you said, "No, my dear FWB, the BF walked out on me last month..." The very next thing that would happen is that FWB would be knocking on your door ready to continue banging you, just like the good old days, right? And you don't see this as important enough to completely walk away from out of respect to your BF? You don't think it would affect him to know that you are still talking with an old *uckbuddy on a regular basis...?

 

Wow. As a guy, if I found out my gf was still in regular communication with an old FWB, well, she'd be my ex GF.

 

3 months is not 3 days or 3 weeks it's 3 months and from Gaeta's account, her ex FWB is happy for her that she's in a new relationship. Why would she have any reason to doubt that he is really happy that she finally got someone and got someone that truly likes/loves her. They're not ringing up each other and giving each other explosive details and she said so herself, they slept with each other for a year and for three years they are friends. He has probably moved on himself in that time with a partner.

[phineas]

So your old FWB is still an orbiter, eh? You must have made a tremendous sexual impression on him for him to keep calling you every 3 months or so to see if you still have the boyfriend. You do realize that if you said, "No, my dear FWB, the BF walked out on me last month..." The very next thing that would happen is that FWB would be knocking on your door ready to continue banging you, just like the good old days, right? And you don't see this as important enough to completely walk away from out of respect to your BF? You don't think it would affect him to know that you are still talking with an old *uckbuddy on a regular basis...?

 

Wow. As a guy, if I found out my gf was still in regular communication with an old FWB, well, she'd be my ex GF.

 

As a guy, if I found out an old FWB was single and I didn't try to have sex with her, i'd expect them to take away my man-card.

 

As long as he doesn't earn his d-bag card by trying to bang an old FWB who has a BF then nobody needs to know anything.

[phineas]

Heh. Yeah. Pretty clear orbiter behavior. Have to touch base every now and then to make sure you are still in for FWB activities when that relationship fails.

 

He's already had sex with her.

He isn't an orbiter.

He landed.

[doyathinkso]

As a guy, if I found out an old FWB was single and I didn't try to have sex with her, i'd expect them to take away my man-card.

 

 

 

And therein lies his conundrum.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The way I looked at it and explained it was, What was I suppose to do? I tried to get out there and find men to make me their girlfriend but to no avail, I dated and pursued men, but none of them eventuated into a relationship.

 

Well, I hate to say it, but you pretty much come off as desperate if they won't be your boyfriend, but say, "Hey, at least I'm getting sex."

 

That's how you're coming off to this guy that was a bit put off by it.

 

I was sexless... I needed sex. So I had to have it.

 

No you didn't. Don't you have a toy?

[KathL]

Well, I hate to say it, but you pretty much come off as desperate if they won't be your boyfriend, but say, "Hey, at least I'm getting sex."

 

That's how you're coming off to this guy that was a bit put off by it.

 

 

 

No you didn't. Don't you have a toy?

What's wrong with us getting sex through FWB arrangements? Sometimes we are not in the right place to date, sometimes things just don't pan out as per desired and sometimes the guys we meet aren't compatible for dating, but good for ****ing. And its ridiculous to suggest us to substitute human warmth and intimacy with toys. So if sex is all we are getting and it helps us to function, who are you to judge?

[Gaeta]

And therein lies his conundrum.

 

And what is wrong with this? An ex fwb trying to get back in bed once single is a completely different story. The key word here is "single". Who cares what people do when single.

[LookAtThisPOst]

What's wrong with us getting sex through FWB arrangements?

 

It just seems pretty skeezy, esp. since the aforementioned list that the OP listed was about 5. Human petri dish right there if ya ask me. Who knows how many of these dudes have a dozen of FWB, including her.

 

 

Sometimes we are not in the right place to date, sometimes things just don't pan out as per desired and sometimes the guys we meet aren't compatible for dating, but good for ****ing.

 

So that's how they rationalize for these arrangements?

 

And its ridiculous to suggest us to substitute human warmth and intimacy with toys.

 

Hardly ridiculous. There's no intimacy with a FWB, you're just a good grunt n moan to them, and that's it.

 

So if sex is all we are getting and it helps us to function

 

"Function" how does it help you function? I have a female friend that tells me she has a "BOB' and she's completely anti-FWB. So if she can do it, and there are a ton of others that do, then so can you.

 

That's what those stores are for, they keep manufacturing tons of those toys.

[stillafool]

What's wrong with us getting sex through FWB arrangements? Sometimes we are not in the right place to date, sometimes things just don't pan out as per desired and sometimes the guys we meet aren't compatible for dating, but good for ****ing. And its ridiculous to suggest us to substitute human warmth and intimacy with toys. So if sex is all we are getting and it helps us to function, who are you to judge?

 

You ever notice that no one is telling men to stop having FWBs and get a blow up doll?