Found out my gf has had a lot of FWB relationships, am I right to be concerned

[Gaeta]

Why would friends often ask how your relationship is going? Usually, it's none of anyone's business.

 

 

I have few friends but my friends are close friends. We know everything about each other. They have been in my life for years and have supported me through my years of dating and looking for 'the one'. They don't ask to be nosy, they ask for the same reasons they'd ask how's my work, how's my health, they ask out of concerns. It's not a one way question. I care about them and also ask them how is their life, if they are happy, etc. That is friendship to me. If everything with your friends are private than it's not a friendship, it's an acquaintance.

[Gaeta]

So your old FWB is still an orbiter, eh? You must have made a tremendous sexual impression on him for him to keep calling you every 3 months or so to see if you still have the boyfriend. You do realize that if you said, "No, my dear FWB, the BF walked out on me last month..." The very next thing that would happen is that FWB would be knocking on your door ready to continue banging you, just like the good old days, right? And you don't see this as important enough to completely walk away from out of respect to your BF? You don't think it would affect him to know that you are still talking with an old *uckbuddy on a regular basis...?

 

Wow. As a guy, if I found out my gf was still in regular communication with an old FWB, well, she'd be my ex GF.

 

Congratulation for selecting things I have said, take them out of context, and turning them into something dirty.

 

Regular basis? I heard from him back in February and last week, that's 6 months, that's regular basis to you?

 

Back to OP.

 

If someone keeping in touch on birthdays and holidays is an orbiter than good luck to him. Especially with a woman he had a 3 year friendship with with NO sex at all.

 

Who cares what the very first thing will be if I turn single? Tell me. How is that an ex-boyfriend concern what I will do when single again?

[kendahke]

Let me put this a different way. If you are to marry someone and have a home and raise a family with them. You need to love and honor and cherish her and have a reverence for her as your life-partner and mother of your children. You need to hold her dear in your heart above all other women.

 

You will need to love and honor and cherish her to the degree that you will rub her swollen feet while she is carrying your child and go out into the night to get her pickles and mustard when she is having cravings and then hold her hair out of the toilet bowl as she pukes it back up with morning sickness.

 

You need to tend to her when she is sick. Comfort her when she is worried. Console her when she is sad. You need to honor and respect her family. Accept and welcome her friends.

 

A man should jump in front of bullet for her and run into a burning building to save his family.

 

The question you need to be asking yourself is, can you do all of this knowing what you know now?

 

Do you have this kind of honor and reverence for her knowing that has had a number of FWBs?

 

If you can sincerely and without hesitation say yes, then you need to work on dealing with it and putting it forever in the past and drive on.

 

If you cannot sincerely and without hesitation feel that way about her knowing what you know now, then you need to step back and reconsider whether this relationship is 'the one' or not.

 

If you cannot view her and treat her as describes above, then you need to step back and reevaluate and possibly step down.

 

The words love, honor, respect, cherish etc etc are not just words in a ceremony. They are expectations for which each of you is expected to feel about each other and how you treat each other always.

 

If you can't do that, then you have your answer.

 

That doesn't make her a bad person.

 

That doesn't make you a bad person.

 

It means you two aren't the right match for each other.

 

^^^^^Truth!!!!!

 

There aren't enough likes in the world for this wisdom.

 

OP--If it's more important to judge her and look down on her than it is to understand that you both are entitled to the way in which you handled your past without being judged for it, then you need to put down this relationship and find someone else.

 

Don't know if it was answered, but how was it that you found this out?

[kendahke]

It just seems pretty skeezy, esp. since the aforementioned list that the OP listed was about 5. Human petri dish right there if ya ask me. Who knows how many of these dudes have a dozen of FWB, including her. So that's how they rationalize for these arrangements?

Hardly ridiculous. There's no intimacy with a FWB, you're just a good grunt n moan to them, and that's it. "Function" how does it help you function? I have a female friend that tells me she has a "BOB' and she's completely anti-FWB. So if she can do it, and there are a ton of others that do, then so can you.

That's what those stores are for, they keep manufacturing tons of those toys.

 

You strongly assume that ev.er.y.bo.dy. wants to be in a committed relationship at ev.er.y. point in their life and that's the furthest thing from the truth.

 

If they want a zipless eff, how does that impact you? You don't even know them and they aren't asking you.

[elaine567]

Seems to me she was pretty cut up about her ex, but instead of having rebounds and hurting serious guys who wanted a relationship all over the shop, she had FWBs and was honest in her intent, even dumping them as soon as they got too involved with her.

 

Had she had 5 short relationships after her ex, would that be acceptable, or would she still be doomed as she was obviously a flighty type who is impossible to please...?

 

Men do casual and have fwbs all the time, few turn a hair as a man has "needs", don't you know?

[takenawayfrom]

^^^^^Truth!!!!!

 

There aren't enough likes in the world for this wisdom.

 

OP--If it's more important to judge her and look down on her than it is to understand that you both are entitled to the way in which you handled your past without being judged for it, then you need to put down this relationship and find someone else.

 

Don't know if it was answered, but how was it that you found this out?

 

It was a bit weird how it came up, before we had sex for the first time she told me she was really nervous because it had been a while for her. She had previously told me that her last relationship was her 5 year ex and said that she'd seen people since then but nothing serious, so I naively though that meant she hadn't slept with anyone since her ex. So I my mind she was pretty inexperienced sex wise. Anyway she was saying a couple of weeks later that she thought we had amazing sex or something and she was really glad because she really liked me and really wanted us to have great sex and the reason she was nervous the first time was because she wanted it to be amazing for me. I made a comment about how she hadn't had any for years and she was like, well, no, it's been about a year. And then I found out from there.

 

It's odd because for someone who has had several fwb relationships she's really very inexperienced sex wise, she basically hadn't tried anything, and she said she's never felt comfortable having sex before, but there was one guy she was seeing casually for 8 months, which seems like a very long time to not have comfortable sex with someone. I don't really understand the who casual relationship thing, it sounds stupid to me to be honest.

 

I think I can get over it, she's the most amazing person I've ever met and I definitely think there's a chance she's the one, this is all in her past and it's because of it that I've met her, I don't particularly like it, but I've done stuff in my past that she wouldn't be very happy about either, I need to focus on us and on our future together. She's moved on, I'm the one who's dwelling on it and it's absolutely nothing to do with me!

[smackie9]

It's quite possible there was more hanging out with these fellas just being friends than time spent between the sheets.

[Gaeta]

I don't really understand the who casual relationship thing, it sounds stupid to me to be honest.

 

I really wished you would leave that place of 'it sounds stupid' and just view it as 'different'. It's not because it's different that it's bad. This change of thinking will serve you well in life. There you are with your own little belief judging people as stupid because they don't subscribe to your belief. That way of thinking lacks emotional maturity.

 

You can move on and find someone with a conservative past because it's better for you in the long run but still, do it without categorizing people stupid.

[jen1447]

He's free to judge as are we all

 

No, there's a law that says he can't judge.

 

Obvs he's free to do or think w/e he wants but also obvs I'm encouraging him to try to be less judgmental for his own emotional well-being, hers, and the chances of success for the relationship, and to conceptualize that ppl are diff in their values and how those values shape their lives and their actions.

 

I know it's my problem and I need to get over it now. It's just hard to do that sometimes.

 

It's good you're acknowledging this, but it's important to stress again you don't get over it by sweeping it under the rug. If you don't actually deal w it now it'll just pop up again next time this becomes a 'thing,' like if you see her eyeballing an attractive guy or texting someone other than you - the "well she had 5 f-buddies! :mad:" thing will just come out again bc it was only hiding, wasn't chased away.

[elaine567]

Why is it taken as a given that a women with a fwb/casual arrangement or with multiple partners, is supposed to perform like a pornstar and be into BDSM and all sorts of kinks? And if she doesn't and isn't, then she is obviously hiding something...

Is it not out with the realms of possibility that she just had lots of "ordinary" sex with guys who also just like "ordinary" sex?

[takenawayfrom]

I really wished you would leave that place of 'it sounds stupid' and just view it as 'different'. It's not because it's different that it's bad. This change of thinking will serve you well in life. There you are with your own little belief judging people as stupid because they don't subscribe to your belief. That way of thinking lacks emotional maturity.

 

You can move on and find someone with a conservative past because it's better for you in the long run but still, do it without categorizing people stupid.

 

I'm not saying people are stupid for having relationships like that. Its just for me it offers nothing, but I'm fully will to admit that different people like different things. I think lots of things are a bad idea or pointless, it's just my opinion for me, I realise other people can and do think differently.

 

I'm a very liberal guy generally, I just don't understand the desire to have sex with someone who you don't like enough to have a relationship with, the fact that I don't understand it doesn't make it wrong. I guess stupid is the wrong word, but in my mind based on my feelings it just doesn't make sense, obviously for other people (like my gf) it does, or at least has. She stopped doing it though because she started to not enjoy it and felt like she needed a break from all relationships, so it's not like she thinks they're a wonderful idea either, I think she might mildly regret some of it to be honest, just based on how she speaks.

[jen1447]

Why is it taken as a given that a women with a fwb/casual arrangement or with multiple partners, is supposed to perform like a pornstar and be into BDSM and all sorts of kinks? And if she doesn't and isn't, then she is obviously hiding something...

Is it not out with the realms of possibility that she just had lots of "ordinary" sex with guys who also just like "ordinary" sex?

 

Similarly, the 5-partners-in-3-years rate isn't exactly setting the world on fire in terms of promiscuity anyway.

[takenawayfrom]

Why is it taken as a given that a women with a fwb/casual arrangement or with multiple partners, is supposed to perform like a pornstar and be into BDSM and all sorts of kinks? And if she doesn't and isn't, then she is obviously hiding something...

Is it not out with the realms of possibility that she just had lots of "ordinary" sex with guys who also just like "ordinary" sex?

 

Nonono I'm not talking about stuff like that. I mean she'd never given a blowjob, she'd never let a guy go down on her (although now she's into that), she'd never tried any position except missionary and doggy, so she'd never been on top either. No guy had ever licked or played with her nipples (she was like 'what are you doing!) She didn't think that people actually did French kissing in real life....

 

I like that we get to explore all this stuff together, but yeah, it was a bit surprising to me.

[takenawayfrom]

Similarly, the 5-partners-in-3-years rate isn't exactly setting the world on fire in terms of promiscuity anyway.

 

For me it was more the nature not the relationships than anything. I guess my mindset is always to have a relationship and sex is part of that relationship. The fact that someone would want to have sex with someone that they don't think is relationship material is alien to me.

[jen1447]

For me it was more the nature not the relationships than anything. I guess my mindset is always to have a relationship and sex is part of that relationship. The fact that someone would want to have sex with someone that they don't think is relationship material is alien to me.

 

That's why I encouraged you not to be judgmental - it's not alien to others, and the sex ppl have in those arrangements isn't necessarily "meaningless," no matter what others say. They don't speak for everybody, and only your GF knows how meaningful it was to her and it what way.

 

I think ultimately you have serious compatibility issues here. You're being very honest about your concerns and your values, and I appreciate that, but what they point to for the most part is irreconcilable differences. Bscly her behavior is a values-based dealbreaker for you, but for her it's at the very least a part of who she is history-wise, even if she's no longer 'practicing.'

[takenawayfrom]

That's why I encouraged you not to be judgmental - it's not alien to others, and the sex ppl have in those arrangements isn't necessarily "meaningless," no matter what others say. They don't speak for everybody, and only your GF knows how meaningful it was to her and it what way.

 

I think ultimately you have serious compatibility issues here. You're being very honest about your concerns and your values, and I appreciate that, but what they point to for the most part is irreconcilable differences. Bscly her behavior is a values-based dealbreaker for you, but for her it's at the very least a part of who she is history-wise, even if she's no longer 'practicing.'

I'm not sure it is a deal breaker, I don't particularly like it, but I haven't decided if it's a deal breaker. I know I'm very happy being with her in every aspect except this. I'm going to try to see past it. Clearly she's moved on from that as she wants to have a proper relationship with me.

[DKT3]

To quote the great actor Morgan Freeman, the very things that end most relationships are present in the beginning, we just choose to proceed with our eyes closed.

 

As I see it she doesn't share your core values around sex, maintaining relationships with former sexual partners. This is a mountain not a molehill.

 

Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about what you believe or how you feel.

 

Some may see it as tossing the baby with the bath water, but honestly this relationship is likely doomed to fail. Why? Because it will require that one of you change your beliefs to make it work, that may have some success early, but will build resentment over time. Not all people or relationships are meant to be the one.

[takenawayfrom]

To quote the great actor Morgan Freeman, the very things that end most relationships are present in the beginning, we just choose to proceed with our eyes closed.

 

As I see it she doesn't share your core values around sex, maintaining relationships with former sexual partners. This is a mountain not a molehill.

 

Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about what you believe or how you feel.

 

Some may see it as tossing the baby with the bath water, but honestly this relationship is likely doomed to fail. Why? Because it will require that one of you change your beliefs to make it work, that may have some success early, but will build resentment over time. Not all people or relationships are meant to be the one.

 

Why will one of us need to change?

[Gaeta]

I also think it won't work long term.

 

It won't because you can ask someone to adjust on superficial or behavioral things like picking up after themselves, arriving on time, giving you a bit of warning ahead of time, etc. But you cannot ask someone to change their core value which is deep ingrained in a person therefore you cannot expect you'll get over this. People don't change their mind about sexuality over night. This bothers you, and it will keep on bothering you. The way you judge her past, the vocabulary you chose to express yourself here, is indicative you lost respect for her at the moment she told you.

[DKT3]

Why will one of us need to change?

 

Are you understanding what Jen is saying? The two of you have different core values. Relationship are very difficult and require a great deal of maintenance.

 

Over time the difference in you two will create greater difficulties. At the foundation of it all, you don't trust her because of what she chose to do prior to your relationship, it's ok. Some will be harsh on you for that, but they don't have to live your life of feel your feelings.

 

Change would be required because you don't trust her, she could help by cutting those people out of her life. If no changes are made you will grow to resent her as well as continued trust issues. If she cuts them out she will view you as controlling and resent that.

 

If this relationship has roots and the ability to grow, she would cut them out based on it making you feel uncomfortable without you urging it. Or you would he more understanding of her past, and judge her on the merits within the relationship and not what happened prior.

[Gaeta]

You mean she is still friends with them? keep in touch? or you mean they are acquaintances and sometimes she will randomly come across them?

 

Why should you know who they are? You really want to have a mental image of who she had casual sex with? If some of them are taller, more muscled, cuter then you'll start feeling insecure? you'll feel inadequate compared to them?

 

OP , would you answer this please.

[doyathinkso]

And what is wrong with this? An ex fwb trying to get back in bed once single is a completely different story. The key word here is "single". Who cares what people do when single.

 

Conjecture this. They have a lovers tiff and don't talk to each other for a few days. Her little inner circle of friends, FWBs-in-hiatus included, start talking about this and begin offering various kinds of advice to her. Guess what kind of 'advice' her FWBs-in-hiatus will be inclined to offer?

[Toodaloo]

For me it was more the nature not the relationships than anything. I guess my mindset is always to have a relationship and sex is part of that relationship. The fact that someone would want to have sex with someone that they don't think is relationship material is alien to me.

 

Well I don't think that 5 over the period of 3 years is all that many at all.

 

Seems to me that she was just trying to experiment with ways of finding love, not finding what she was looking for and now has.

 

Personally I don't think you should worry about it.

 

I don't know why you don't trust her. She has been honest and open with you. So what is there not to trust? I really do not understand the issue here unless its just your ego talking?

[Toodaloo]

Conjecture this. They have a lovers tiff and don't talk to each other for a few days. Her little inner circle of friends, FWBs-in-hiatus included, start talking about this and begin offering various kinds of advice to her. Guess what kind of 'advice' her FWBs-in-hiatus will be inclined to offer?

 

And this is a comment from a very insecure man...

 

People are capable of being adults. People are capable of being friends after they have carnal knowledge of someone.

[doyathinkso]

And this is a comment from a very insecure man...

 

People are capable of being adults. People are capable of being friends after they have carnal knowledge of someone.

 

 

Yeah, good luck with that.