elaine567 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Conjecture this. They have a lovers tiff and don't talk to each other for a few days. Her little inner circle of friends, FWBs-in-hiatus included, start talking about this and begin offering various kinds of advice to her. Guess what kind of 'advice' her FWBs-in-hiatus will be inclined to offer? Ok but not only fwbs - exes, slighted lovers, hopeful suitors, orbiters both male and female, jealous ex gfs, crushes, etc. all sorts of people, with all sorts of differing agendas will also give "helpful" advice in that situation. Few live in a bubble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 (edited) Conjecture this. They have a lovers tiff and don't talk to each other for a few days. Her little inner circle of friends, FWBs-in-hiatus included, start talking about this and begin offering various kinds of advice to her. Guess what kind of 'advice' her FWBs-in-hiatus will be inclined to offer? []No one will change the mind of a woman in love. If OP rocks her world you really think some d8ck from her past is going to make a scratch in her feelings for him? You really think an ex fwb who, by the way, ONLY had sex to offer her, will influence her in any way? You think women are raggy-dolls with nothing to say? no opinion? no morals? no loyalty? You think an ex fwb just needs to shake his d8ck and she'll automatically fall on it?. Edited September 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 (edited) []No one will change the mind of a woman in love. If OP rocks her world you really think some d8ck from her past is going to make a scratch in her feelings for him? You really think an ex fwb who, by the way, ONLY had sex to offer her, will influence her in any way? You think women are raggy-dolls with nothing to say? no opinion? no morals? no loyalty? You think an ex fwb just needs to shake his d8ck and she'll automatically fall on it?. Yes. She keeps that "sex only" communication alive for a reason, and it clearly isn't for the "conversation". Edited September 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author takenawayfrom Posted September 7, 2016 Author Share Posted September 7, 2016 OP , would you answer this please. Yeah I think some people are confused here. She doesn't talk to any of her former fwb, I think she might be friends on fb, maybe but she definitely doesn't talk to meet or arrange to see or have any interaction with any of tbem. However, as she met several of them through mutual friends sometimes she will go to a birthday party or something and they will be there, she has told me that she tries to avoid this, but it's happened a few times. To my knowledge I've never met any of them and I don't believe she's seen any of them in any capacity since we've been together. She is still in touch with her long term ex, they ended reasonably amicably and are in the same friendship group from school so see each other at weddings and things, I haven't met him but she says they're friends and she talks to him on Facebook a couple of times a year. She said that she's glad they still get on well because they do have a lot of mutual friends. He's been with the same girlfriend since very soon after they broke up. I totally trust her all her exes are out of the picture romantically, I'm very sure of that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author takenawayfrom Posted September 7, 2016 Author Share Posted September 7, 2016 Are you understanding what Jen is saying? The two of you have different core values. Relationship are very difficult and require a great deal of maintenance. Over time the difference in you two will create greater difficulties. At the foundation of it all, you don't trust her because of what she chose to do prior to your relationship, it's ok. Some will be harsh on you for that, but they don't have to live your life of feel your feelings. Change would be required because you don't trust her, she could help by cutting those people out of her life. If no changes are made you will grow to resent her as well as continued trust issues. If she cuts them out she will view you as controlling and resent that. If this relationship has roots and the ability to grow, she would cut them out based on it making you feel uncomfortable without you urging it. Or you would he more understanding of her past, and judge her on the merits within the relationship and not what happened prior. Err, see my last post, she has as good as cut them out of her life, she's not in contact with any of them. I absolutely do trust her. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 (edited) Yeah I think some people are confused here. She doesn't talk to any of her former fwb, I think she might be friends on fb, maybe but she definitely doesn't talk to meet or arrange to see or have any interaction with any of tbem. However, as she met several of them through mutual friends sometimes she will go to a birthday party or something and they will be there, she has told me that she tries to avoid this, but it's happened a few times. To my knowledge I've never met any of them and I don't believe she's seen any of them in any capacity since we've been together. She is still in touch with her long term ex, they ended reasonably amicably and are in the same friendship group from school so see each other at weddings and things, I haven't met him but she says they're friends and she talks to him on Facebook a couple of times a year. She said that she's glad they still get on well because they do have a lot of mutual friends. He's been with the same girlfriend since very soon after they broke up. I totally trust her all her exes are out of the picture romantically, I'm very sure of that. OP you need to figure out your comfort level with this but if she was not initiating any contact and had good boundaries with these guys I personally wouldn't worry (especially since everything else is going well). FWIW my BF and I have run into several guys I've dated (though not slept with). He has briefly met my XH. I've had guys stalking me and throwing themselves at me since we've been together. I don't have interest in these other guys. Guys are going to approach women. It's how the woman handles them that counts IMO. If she is keeping good boundaries with them I don't see any reason to make a big fuss about it. Another thing I'll mention is that BF and I have very different views on sex. We never discussed all the details but BF seems be be very against meaningless sex. I'm not in theory and am even pro open/poly/swinging but I do like to be careful of show I sleep with so I am a bit conservative in practice as it takes a lot for me to sleep with someone. For example I don't really do FWB with men but I did have meaningless sex with a married woman (with the approval of her husband). My BF would never even dream up such a scenario. Even though I could probably have meaningless sex more easily than my BF, I would take the connected sex I have with BF any day over meaningless sex with someone else. Even though we are quite a bit different in terms sex, we do agree with how we want to have it in our relationship. For both of us that is what counts. Edited September 7, 2016 by Miss Peach Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Yeah I think some people are confused here. She doesn't talk to any of her former fwb, I think she might be friends on fb, maybe but she definitely doesn't talk to meet or arrange to see or have any interaction with any of tbem. However, as she met several of them through mutual friends sometimes she will go to a birthday party or something and they will be there, she has told me that she tries to avoid this, but it's happened a few times. To my knowledge I've never met any of them and I don't believe she's seen any of them in any capacity since we've been together. She is still in touch with her long term ex, they ended reasonably amicably and are in the same friendship group from school so see each other at weddings and things, I haven't met him but she says they're friends and she talks to him on Facebook a couple of times a year. She said that she's glad they still get on well because they do have a lot of mutual friends. He's been with the same girlfriend since very soon after they broke up. I totally trust her all her exes are out of the picture romantically, I'm very sure of that. So all is good. I am still trying to fully grasp what is the problem. She had sex before you that's all it is. She had sex with 5 men in 3 years. That's a new man each 7 months. It's pretty conservative to me. She was in a relationship with these men just not the type of relationship you favor. Having a fwb for 7-8 months is a relationship. Many times those are exclusive relationships as well, not emotionally but physically exclusive. How would you have felt is she had sex with 10 men in the past 3 years but were all romantic relationships? Would that be better? Would that appear as less stupid to you? I know it would appear as more stupid to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DJOkawari Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Have you considered that you two have something special? She's had fwbs and her ex and now after being through all of that she's thinking about you. Those experiences made the person you now enjoy so much? She seems pretty conservative in my book anyway. Where I live most people are either committed or have a few fwb simultaneously, meeting new ones all the time. Some times they meet someone special enough to forget about everyone else. That's what your gf has found in you. People are capable of being adults. People are capable of being friends after they have carnal knowledge of someone. Quoting bc I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 From your previous post it seems like you aren't concerned with cheating in particular. So what is your actual hang up? If I could bet, I'd bet the hang up is OP had less sexual partners than his girlfriend and that is a very sensitive thing for many men. I think his problem is his ego not his moral. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 You don't even know them and they aren't asking you. Of course it's being asked, right here in these forums and I'm responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Heartsalone Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 I agree with Toodaloo You obviously care enough about her to be posting on here and you have been open with your concerns. Truth is only you know what you feel..do you feel belittled because she had sexual partners before you (thats the ego talking) or that you are completely repelled because you would never do such a thing (core beliefs) I think if its the first then relationships are all about give and take so accept she had a past and that she has chosen you out of 6 to have a relationship with and be happy to explore where it goes but if its the latter then your just going to have to let this one go because it goes against your core and as much as you can lie to yourself..lie to her any argument or difference you will always remember these 5 fwb and feel like you have given more to her than she has to you therefore resent her and it will all end in tears! Personally i just think its your ego and you like/love the girl but trust your gut instinct its never wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Well, I hate to say it, but you pretty much come off as desperate if they won't be your boyfriend, but say, "Hey, at least I'm getting sex." That's how you're coming off to this guy that was a bit put off by it. No you didn't. Don't you have a toy? Have you been single and celibate for seven years have you? next time you find yourself in that situation, let me know how well it's working out for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 And this is a comment from a very insecure man... People are capable of being adults. People are capable of being friends after they have carnal knowledge of someone. I just really don't get why they have to be friends with guys they slept with though. I guess because I'm a guy it makes absolutely no sense to me. It just seems it brings nothing but trouble from things I constantly hear about how women are still friends with their exes or friends with guys they've slept with & how it causes problems in the current relationship. I just feel there's personally nothing positive about doing it. Basically I ask myself if I got married one day, would I want some guy that had sex my wife to be at my wedding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 I just really don't get why they have to be friends with guys they slept with though. I guess because I'm a guy it makes absolutely no sense to me. It just seems it brings nothing but trouble from things I constantly hear about how women are still friends with their exes or friends with guys they've slept with & how it causes problems in the current relationship. I just feel there's personally nothing positive about doing it. Basically I ask myself if I got married one day, would I want some guy that banged my wife to be at my wedding. OP said she is not friends with them. She occasionally will come across one of them in social events because they know people she knows. Nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 What's wrong with us getting sex through FWB arrangements? Sometimes we are not in the right place to date, sometimes things just don't pan out as per desired and sometimes the guys we meet aren't compatible for dating, but good for ****ing. And its ridiculous to suggest us to substitute human warmth and intimacy with toys. So if sex is all we are getting and it helps us to function, who are you to judge? aint nothing wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Yes. She keeps that "sex only" communication alive for a reason, and it clearly isn't for the "conversation". I made a woman friend squirt. can't fake that orgasm. She did not want to date me and we haven't done anything since even though we still are friends. Don't ask me why she has zero interest in me even though she still tells me about how good the sex was. But i don't see it ever happening again and i'm fine with that. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Hardly ridiculous. There's no intimacy with a FWB, you're just a good grunt n moan to them, and that's it. "Function" how does it help you function? I have a female friend that tells me she has a "BOB' and she's completely anti-FWB. So if she can do it, and there are a ton of others that do, then so can you. That's what those stores are for, they keep manufacturing tons of those toys. Who says there's no intimacy? Put the emphasis on 'friend' please. I had one; we'd spend all day boating on the river, and have our private time under the water line as the sun set. He also took me to a $500 a night hotel on my birthday, and wined and dined me. It was lot more than grunting and moaning. We were seen in public together, OMG!, and looked like a normal couple. We just wouldn't have done well paired up for life. Find a toy that can do that and I'll invest in it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) Who says there's no intimacy? Put the emphasis on 'friend' please. I had one; we'd spend all day boating on the river, and have our private time under the water line as the sun set. He also took me to a $500 a night hotel on my birthday, and wined and dined me. It was lot more than grunting and moaning. We were seen in public together, OMG!, and looked like a normal couple. We just wouldn't have done well paired up for life. Find a toy that can do that and I'll invest in it. And this is why a lot of guys aren't okay with women keeping FWBs around as just friends when they have done the things you mentioned. I keep saying it but I look at it like would I want a guy like that at my wedding that's done similar things with my wife as you posted about. I'd feel totally disrespected that she would want to keep a guy like that around as a friend. Edited September 8, 2016 by NJ123 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 And this is why a lot of guys aren't okay with women keeping FWBs around as just friends when they have done the things you mentioned. I keep saying it but I look at it like would I want a guy like that at my wedding that's done similar things with my wife as you posted about. I'd feel totally disrespected that she would want to keep a guy like that around as a friend. Yeah, she pretty much outed herself as those ladies of the evening pretty much by quoting the dollar amount. I've known men to bang a FWB for nothing. Had a friend who did this with a neighbor lady whenever he got the itch. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 And this is why a lot of guys aren't okay with women keeping FWBs around as just friends when they have done the things you mentioned. I keep saying it but I look at it like would I want a guy like that at my wedding that's done similar things with my wife as you posted about. I'd feel totally disrespected that she would want to keep a guy like that around as a friend. I didn't invite him to my wedding. We haven't crossed paths since it ended. Don't know where you got that idea. He knows I'm married; we chat maybe once a year by email. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Yeah, she pretty much outed herself as those ladies of the evening pretty much by quoting the dollar amount. I've known men to bang a FWB for nothing. Had a friend who did this with a neighbor lady whenever he got the itch. It's not exactly that though. I guess I wouldn't care if a woman I was with had a FWB at one time, but what would be an absolute deal breaker is if she was still friends with him or even associated with him in any way. To me exes & former guys that someone has had sex with should be someone of the past & not someone that should still be in their lives in any way. That's just my own opinion though. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I didn't invite him to my wedding. We haven't crossed paths since it ended. Don't know where you got that idea. He knows I'm married; we chat maybe once a year by email. I meant it more so in a general sense though not meaning to point you out but used your post as an example of how FWBs could be really intimate with a lot of feelings involved. So for someone to still be friends with them after it's over is just wrong in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Yeah, she pretty much outed herself as those ladies of the evening pretty much by quoting the dollar amount. I've known men to bang a FWB for nothing. Had a friend who did this with a neighbor lady whenever he got the itch. Um, no. He's just a generous guy. I'm sure he'd have sprung for more if we were a couple. 1K (after adding in everything else) was nothing to him. Why limit yourselves to bed if you feel like going out on the town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 It's not exactly that though. I guess I wouldn't care if a woman I was with had a FWB at one time, but what would be an absolute deal breaker is if she was still friends with him or even associated with him in any way. To me exes & former guys that someone has had sex with should be someone of the past & not someone that should still be in their lives in any way. That's just my own opinion though. Believe it or not, I knew of this woman on OK Cupid that was still obssessed with her ex-husband since 2000. She said, "I'm still friends with my ex, and we've been apart since 2000, so you better be okay with it." What kind of person openly admits this in their dating profile? Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Um, no. He's just a generous guy. I'm sure he'd have sprung for more if we were a couple. 1K (after adding in everything else) was nothing to him. Why limit yourselves to bed if you feel like going out on the town? What's him being generous have anything to do with it? Apples and oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
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