Too bad to stay or too good to leave??

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

The title of this post has been taken from a book I am currently reading but I would appreciate your thoughts on my situation.

 

I recently posted on the infidelity forum following an encounter with a work colleague. Nothing happened between us although there was a drunken moment it could have.

 

This encounter was the culmination of months or even years of distance growing between H and I and I feel I at am a real crossroads but don't know which way to turn...

 

We have been together for 7 and a half years, married for 1 (next week!). I'm 34, H is 37. I met H online, less than a year after my first marriage (to my childhood sweetheart, with him 10 years from aged 16 - 26) ended. Ex H left me, quite suddenly and unexpectedly not long after we married and it was a really difficult time for me.

 

H was stable, secure and loyal and everything I needed from a relationship at that time, after going through a very difficult divorce (ex H was also diagnosed with serious mental health issues near when we separated). So I think looking back, H was what I really needed at that time. However our relationship has always consisted of me arranging our time and social life together, eg booking meals, arranging to meet friends, sorting holidays etc as he was always busy with his sport which took him away a lot. This has always frustrated me as I have expressed to him I need him to be more involved and make effort (eg in nearly 8 years he has only cooked me a dinner once, and taken me away twice, and one of them was to propose).

 

For me, there has always been a slight discord in our relationship. In that we are very different (he is sporty, a workaholic and wants to earn lots of money to provide for me; I hate sports, work to live and do not care much for materialism and money). I think this drew me to him at the beginning as he was so different to ex H who was very similar to me.

 

During my relationship with H, he set up his own business and we have spent the last 5 years working on building it. He is away from home constantly, works most evenings and weekends and our relationship has suffered. I work full time in my own job and have been the main provider during this time, and we had to remortgage our house to fund his business. His business is also his lifelong sporting hobby.

 

When he is away we have little contact due to his long hours and the fact he is so busy. When he is home, if he is not on the phone or on social media talking to business associates around the world, he is asleep.

 

Over the past couple of years I have told him how unhappy this makes me, how we need to have some balance and still have time for our relationship, but it always falls on deaf ears. During the start of our relationship we used to have weekends away, holidays, dinners out (but only if I arranged them). Now he either can't leave the business, or if I persuade him to a couple of nights away, he just spends the whole trip exhausted and sleeping and also still working from his mobile. This is also not likely to change in the future due to the type of business it is, unless he makes it such a massive worldwide success that he can hire staff.

 

I really don't think he has the time or inclination for the type of relationship I need. I'm not all about trips away, etc, but even when he is home all he seems to want to do is stay in and watch tv (presumably because he has been away from home so much). I started organising date nights a couple of years ago and asked him if he could organise the next one. It never happened again despite me asking every few months if he could please sort something so we could spend quality time together.

 

We got married this time last year and that was the last time we had some happiness in our relationship. This year we have drifted further apart and not spent any time together. I find myself going out more and more with friends because he's always away, and withdrawing. I resent that he doesn't seem to want to do nice things for me, and that all his focus is on his work. I used to miss him terribly when he went away but now its the norm and I honestly can't say I do anymore.

 

About 6 weeks ago when I had this totally unexpected encounter with a work colleague (he drunkenly made a pass at me and although I pushed him away I was more tempted than I should have been as a newly married woman) I told H about it, reiterated how unhappy I am and how I need more from him. He finds it so hard to talk, never shows emotion and just said he would try. He also said he feels so under pressure from his business and trying to keep that afloat and make me happy.

 

6 weeks on and nothing has changed. I booked a week off work to spend time with him and he went to work instead of spending time with me. I ended up having a day trip to London on my own. Its our wedding anniversary next week and months ago I had booked a few days off and we agreed we would do something special. I havent organised anything as I had told him I was so tired of the one always arranging things. We discussed it over the weekend and he hasnt arranged anything which has really upset me. I had hoped we might use this as an opportunity to rekindle our marriage.

 

I also find it very hard that we dont communicate very well. I am quite a deep thinker and am compassionate. He is able to tell me he loves me but has never been able to express emotion any more than that (eg on our wedding day he backed out right at the last minute of doing a wedding speech because he didn't know what to say).

 

We have some good points; we both find each other physically attractive (although our sex life has diminished over the past year because I need to feel connected to have sex, and I haven't felt that way much recently). We have similar morals and get on fairly well in other respects. We don't particularly argue and are on a similar wave length in conversations, sense of humour etc. He is also a really lovely man with a good heart. And we do love each other, but not in an all consuming passionate way, but still in a lifelong companion sort of way.

 

So basically, things aren't awful at home but they are not great. I wonder if we can ever fulfil each others needs or whether there is a fundamental discord of personality type where there will always be issues?? I don't feel like I want to rush out of the door and leave but nor do I particularly look forward to spending time with him like I used to. I find myself fantasing what it would be like to get my own place, and the thought of spending time away from him doesn't devastate me.

 

Is this a rough patch or more? I have suggested MC but he has declined (which I don't disprove of, he would not be able to vocalise his feelings nor do I think he would get where I would be coming from). He is a very straightforward man who wants to be loved and provide for his wife.

 

Any advice gratefully received!

 

Thanks so much

[DKT3]

This post is striking for several reasons, first no where did you mention loving your husband or ever having been in love with him. Secondly, you seem to have gotten involved with him because he wasn't your ex husband, but now find the marriage tough because he isn't your ex husband.

 

I'll be honest, it seems as if the very thing that drew you to him is what your having issues with, with dynamic it's unlikely it will get better, almost feels like your digging for reasons to create issues. Just don't sound like it's what you want.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I put that info in about my ex because this is something I only just realised in the last couple of weeks - that its almost as if unconsciously I went for a new partner who was completely different in likes and dislikes to my ex.

 

Ex and I had a lot of shared interests and were on the same wavelength, whereas H and I really are opposites on paper. I should perhaps add that Ex H and I have been friends for a few years now, I am completely over the relationship and have moved on from him.

 

I do love H but I'm not sure if I've ever been in love with anyone. Ex H was my childhood sweetheart and think I was too young to know at that time. I love H but its not a passionate consuming love and wasnt at the beginning. It was a very gentle, friendly love that repaired my broken heart, if that makes sense.

 

The main issues in my marriage are that he is away so much, he doesnt seem to put the same importance in our marriage and doing things together that I do, and I feel unloved and unfulfilled. I also feel we are unable to talk about our relationship and feelings etc.

 

However there are good aspects to our marriage and I'm struggling as per the title of the post - are these normal compromises in a marriage or an underlining discord between us?

 

Thanks again for reading.

[basil67]

You don't mention kids, so I assume that you and your second husband don't have any together. If this is correct, I'd seriously consider ending it.

 

It sounds like a very lonely marriage. It could work if you were a workaholic with super full social life, but it sounds to me that you're more of a regular woman who wants to share her life with her husband. This isn't asking too much.

 

You've told him that you're unhappy and nothing changed. I would suggest the next step is to tell him that you're reconsidering the marriage and need to have a serious discussion about work/life balance. If he can offer more time to the marriage, then it can possibly be saved. But if he says that he's doing the best he can, then it's time to walk. Find yourself a man who can be part of a partnership.

 

Just one thing I want to say: I've got the best hubby in the world, but he rarely organises anything. I have to figure out date nights, babysitters, travel, book flights etc etc. He was so disconnected from one trip that when I got confused about the dates, he didn't realise that I'd gotten it wrong. We missed international flights. I can be a bit ditzy, so I insist he double check our trips now. My point is that nobody is perfect and even an otherwise great partner may be lax in organising stuff. We each have our strong points.

 

Which reminds me.....I'd better go book those flights for our upcoming summer holiday.

[Aloneuk]

You don't mention kids, so I assume that you and your second husband don't have any together. If this is correct, I'd seriously consider ending it.

 

It sounds like a very lonely marriage. It could work if you were a workaholic with super full social life, but it sounds to me that you're more of a regular woman who wants to share her life with her husband. This isn't asking too much.

 

You've told him that you're unhappy and nothing changed. I would suggest the next step is to tell him that you're reconsidering the marriage and need to have a serious discussion about work/life balance. If he can offer more time to the marriage, then it can possibly be saved. But if he says that he's doing the best he can, then it's time to walk. Find yourself a man who can be part of a partnership.

 

Just one thing I want to say: I've got the best hubby in the world, but he rarely organises anything. I have to figure out date nights, babysitters, travel, book flights etc etc. He was so disconnected from one trip that when I got confused about the dates, he didn't realise that I'd gotten it wrong. We missed international flights. I can be a bit ditzy, so I insist he double check our trips now. My point is that nobody is perfect and even an otherwise great partner may be lax in organising stuff. We each have our strong points.

 

Which reminds me.....I'd better go book those flights for our upcoming summer holiday.

 

Thanks Basil67. Yep, no kids.

 

I thought that might be the case re organising trips, holidays etc so don't want to have false expectations. But I think its all of the issues combined that make me unhappy, not just any one of the things I mentioned.

 

One of my main hobbies is also film and tv, I love cinema and talking about movies after watching them, and watching tv box sets. H doesnt like films and there are not many of the same tv shows we like. It sounds like such a small thing but I feel I can't be 100% myself.

 

Do you think all this is enough reason to leave though? I'm sure every couple has their differences and I do love him, and things are 'fine'. I just wanted more than fine from a future, but again don't want false expectations that any future partners may be more compatible if in fact all couples experience this?

 

I hope this makes sense and thanks again for reading.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello Alone

 

I posted on your other thread that you should ask him about marriage counselling. It would seem that you have hit the wall now because he won't go and you don't see any point.

 

You have 2 choice in my opinion. You either live with the life you have; but I am sure an affair will happen at some point for you as it nearly did recently. Or you give him the wake up call he needs by telling him you want to split up as you cannot go on. Either he will start to get that this is serious or you will have your answer in that he doesnt care.

 

Marriages take work. While he may be very busy, he does seem to spend time in front of the TV when he is home. So why can't you have a date night?

 

In all honesty, if he wanted to save your marriage then he would go to marriage counselling and he would be making an effort. I will ask you again, why won't he?

[Aloneuk]

Hello Alone

 

I posted on your other thread that you should ask him about marriage counselling. It would seem that you have hit the wall now because he won't go and you don't see any point.

 

You have 2 choice in my opinion. You either live with the life you have; but I am sure an affair will happen at some point for you as it nearly did recently. Or you give him the wake up call he needs by telling him you want to split up as you cannot go on. Either he will start to get that this is serious or you will have your answer in that he doesnt care.

 

Marriages take work. While he may be very busy, he does seem to spend time in front of the TV when he is home. So why can't you have a date night?

 

In all honesty, if he wanted to save your marriage then he would go to marriage counselling and he would be making an effort. I will ask you again, why won't he?

 

Thanks LifesontheUp, I remember your reply on my other thread.

 

I can only think that he doesn't feel the discord that I do. He seems fairly content, going off to work lots with me at home. He doesn't seem to have the same expectations of a marriage that I do. He doesn't seem too fussed about an 'emotional connection', or date nights, etc. I know he loves me, but I think I need more than he can offer.

 

I want the feeling of a partnership where its 'me and him against the world', if that makes sense? That we have a strong bond and look forward to spending time together and having adventures together, whether its just cuddling up on the sofa or getting in the car and having a spontaneous road trip and making memories. I look at his parents marriage and his dad is a workaholic too, with his mum following him round the world and being the wife without a career. They also don't do much together socially - no holidays, trips etc. I wonder if H thinks that is what a marriage should look like?

[basil67]

Thanks Basil67. Yep, no kids.

 

I thought that might be the case re organising trips, holidays etc so don't want to have false expectations. But I think its all of the issues combined that make me unhappy, not just any one of the things I mentioned.

 

One of my main hobbies is also film and tv, I love cinema and talking about movies after watching them, and watching tv box sets. H doesnt like films and there are not many of the same tv shows we like. It sounds like such a small thing but I feel I can't be 100% myself.

 

Do you think all this is enough reason to leave though? I'm sure every couple has their differences and I do love him, and things are 'fine'. I just wanted more than fine from a future, but again don't want false expectations that any future partners may be more compatible if in fact all couples experience this?

 

I hope this makes sense and thanks again for reading.

 

hehe, TV differences - similar again to us. He's currently watching soccer on TV and I'll shortly go and sew a new dress or Netflix. Thing is though, he's HERE. He got in from work two hours ago and we shared a pizza and wine, and lots of conversation and now we're doing different things. That said, we do make a concerted effort to find TV shows which we will both enjoy because we both love to snuggle up and share a good TV series. (We thoroughly enjoyed Stranger Things together recently)

 

Anyway, while I experience some of your issues.....the lack of connection with your husband sounds rather awful. Perhaps the smaller things wouldn't be a problem if he was emotionally there for you at most times. Being unavailable for hobbies, time and emotions doesn't make him much of a partner.

[BluesPower]

Sit him down, turn off everything, and remove his phone. Get him a drink and say this:

 

"I just wanted you to know that I am going to start sleeping around

because you will not make time for us in your life. How do you feel

about that?"

See what kind of reaction you get to that. See if that will change his attitude?

 

Another option is to file for divorce, and hand him the papers, again with no distractions.

 

And last you could just get out. Don't say if he won't work on the marriage and you are unhappy.

 

Good luck...

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, you will never find all the things in a partner that you want. He doesn't like movies, but he treats you well, he isn't making a ton of money but he is driven and hard working.

 

When I first started posting here three years back, there was a woman here In the exact situation, married to a good loyal trustworthy guy who she felt just wasn't the right guy.. she left wanted to find herself. After a brief period of dating and looking for what was missing it dawned on her that her marriage wasn't just ok but it was actually pretty good. Sadly her husband had moved on and had no interest in reuniting and proceeded with the divorce. That was the point she started posting here. I recall her saying her mistake was focusing on what he wasn't, instead of what he was and added to her life.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks DKT3, and that's precisely my dilemma.

 

Things between me and H are ok. I'm sure if I stay now, we will plod along fairly well for the rest of our lives.

 

I just feel disconnected from H, there's no other way to describe it. He's a great guy, works hard, is attractive, etc etc. But I'm lonely, both when he's away and when he's sitting on the sofa next to me. I'm not wanting the greatest romance of the century, but I do want to feel loved, special and connected to my life partner.

 

That's what I mean about too good to leave, too bad to stay. How do you know which you have when you are feeling this ambivalence?

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

Thanks

[Aloneuk]

Sit him down, turn off everything, and remove his phone. Get him a drink and say this:

 

"I just wanted you to know that I am going to start sleeping around

because you will not make time for us in your life. How do you feel

about that?"

See what kind of reaction you get to that. See if that will change his attitude?

 

Another option is to file for divorce, and hand him the papers, again with no distractions.

 

And last you could just get out. Don't say if he won't work on the marriage and you are unhappy.

 

Good luck...

 

Thanks BluesPower. That's kind of what I did when I told him out work colleague encounter. I told him that I had been tempted to respond. He didn't seem fazed at all.

 

Our last conversation over the weekend I told him again how I feel and he has talked to me more generally since, but I guess its too early to tell. Its a lot of months/years neglect of our relationship so not sure how I am expecting we can sort it.

 

Thanks again

[Aloneuk]

hehe, TV differences - similar again to us. He's currently watching soccer on TV and I'll shortly go and sew a new dress or Netflix. Thing is though, he's HERE. He got in from work two hours ago and we shared a pizza and wine, and lots of conversation and now we're doing different things. That said, we do make a concerted effort to find TV shows which we will both enjoy because we both love to snuggle up and share a good TV series. (We thoroughly enjoyed Stranger Things together recently)

 

Anyway, while I experience some of your issues.....the lack of connection with your husband sounds rather awful. Perhaps the smaller things wouldn't be a problem if he was emotionally there for you at most times. Being unavailable for hobbies, time and emotions doesn't make him much of a partner.

 

It sounds like you enjoy each other's company though, and have that mythical 'connection' that I'm so desperately looking for and can't seem to find?!

 

Has that always been present in your relationship or have there been times it has disappeared?

 

Thanks so much

[BluesPower]

DK has some great points, and I respect his opinion.

 

But one thing I have finally figured out after 52 years of my life, is that I deserve to be happy. I know that some people are happy, I have seen them.

 

I want to be happy too. I still may not know what that looks like, but I want it.

 

You deserve to be happy too. There has got to be a way to wake him up. I find, frankly, if your wife/women in "present" in the marriage, most woman are fairly easy to make happy. Little affection, affirmation, dinner, dancing, time, and take care of her in the bed room.

 

I just have never understood why men seem to get so complacent about their marriages?

 

I wish you luck...

[Osmium13]

I know exactly what you're going through Aloneuk.

 

I guess it boils down to whether the forces that compel you to split are stronger than those that make you want to stay. It's not easy...

[Aloneuk]

I know exactly what you're going through Aloneuk.

 

I guess it boils down to whether the forces that compel you to split are stronger than those that make you want to stay. It's not easy...

 

Thanks, it is so difficult isnt it? It really is around 50 / 50 at the moment. I find myself wishing he would do something so it would help me sway my decision either way!

[Aloneuk]

DK has some great points, and I respect his opinion.

 

But one thing I have finally figured out after 52 years of my life, is that I deserve to be happy. I know that some people are happy, I have seen them.

 

I want to be happy too. I still may not know what that looks like, but I want it.

 

You deserve to be happy too. There has got to be a way to wake him up. I find, frankly, if your wife/women in "present" in the marriage, most woman are fairly easy to make happy. Little affection, affirmation, dinner, dancing, time, and take care of her in the bed room.

 

I just have never understood why men seem to get so complacent about their marriages?

 

I wish you luck...

 

Thanks. I talked to him again today and asked why he seems to have such a problem in spending time / arranging nice things for us to do when he knows how much it would mean to me and he has no issues organising trips for work, etc etc on a daily basis. He says he doesnt know.

 

I feel hurt with it being our first wedding anniversary next week, he knew I had booked time off work and he hasnt arranged anything despite our numerous talks about how I really needed him to show me he wanted our marriage and was committed to us.

 

I can't help but think if its this difficult in year 1 of marriage when things are supposedly the best, I hate to think how it might be in years to come.

 

I don't want to sound like a high maintenance partner abd wary this post might come across that way. I am generally very laid back but just need him to show me he cares, especially when he is away so much anyway!

 

Thanks again

[Osmium13]

FWIW, it doesn't sound "high maintenance" at all. You appear to want (what I'd consider anyway) a normal relationship - but is that what you wanted at the start? Having read this all though again, IMHO you went for this guy because he was the safe option. Now you've come out of needing that, perhaps you're looking for more than he is prepared/able to give.

 

Did he arrange anything at all before your were married? Surprise dinners? Weekends away? Some people seem to take getting married as the point where they don't need to make an effort any more, but if he didn't make the effort in the first place, can you really expect that to be any different now?

 

The thing is, if you put up with life as it is, you set the trend - and it's hard to break out of the longer it goes on. I think BluesPower hit the nail on the head - you need to think of yourself and what YOU want/need from life - assuming you know what that is right now. We all change over time. That's the crux of my issues - I'm a very different person to the one that got married at 21, and I'm not sure that the direction I want to go is compatible with my OH's path.

 

Anyway, if you've made an effort and he hasn't responded, maybe a real ultimatum is the next step? Sounds dramatic, but it might at least make him think about why he "doesn't know" - and if he wants to make the effort to keep you. It'd help you find out where you stand.

 

I must admit - I feeling slightly hypocritical in offering an opinion at all. I should really learn to follow some of my own advice!

[Aloneuk]

FWIW, it doesn't sound "high maintenance" at all. You appear to want (what I'd consider anyway) a normal relationship - but is that what you wanted at the start? Having read this all though again, IMHO you went for this guy because he was the safe option. Now you've come out of needing that, perhaps you're looking for more than he is prepared/able to give.

 

Did he arrange anything at all before your were married? Surprise dinners? Weekends away? Some people seem to take getting married as the point where they don't need to make an effort any more, but if he didn't make the effort in the first place, can you really expect that to be any different now?

 

The thing is, if you put up with life as it is, you set the trend - and it's hard to break out of the longer it goes on. I think BluesPower hit the nail on the head - you need to think of yourself and what YOU want/need from life - assuming you know what that is right now. We all change over time. That's the crux of my issues - I'm a very different person to the one that got married at 21, and I'm not sure that the direction I want to go is compatible with my OH's path.

 

Anyway, if you've made an effort and he hasn't responded, maybe a real ultimatum is the next step? Sounds dramatic, but it might at least make him think about why he "doesn't know" - and if he wants to make the effort to keep you. It'd help you find out where you stand.

 

I must admit - I feeling slightly hypocritical in offering an opinion at all. I should really learn to follow some of my own advice!

 

Thanks for your reply. I know, its so easy to give advice but not easy to take your own! I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation, its tough isnt it?

 

My H did make more of an effort at the start of our relationship, but in recent years it has dwindled. I thought it was because his business has taken up all his time, but now I'm starting to wonder if he was always like this and he only made an effort at the start of the relationship in the same way everyone does to begin with whilst they are on their 'best behaviour'.

 

I am torn between staying but knowing in the back of my mind I will never be as happy and content as I should be. Or risking leaving a man I know who loves me and I do love (in our own way, with not a great deal of passion).

 

I have been looking around online at accommodation that I could move into, and have found somewhere local which would be affordable and has only a 3 month minimum term (most round here are 6 or 12 months). This is the first suitable thing I have found in a few weeks of 'hypothetically' looking.

 

I am tempted to move out for a bit to give me the time to reflect and consider what I need/want. I have told H and he really doesnt want me to but ultimately I think he will go along with it if I decide to. My hope was that by giving myself some 'time out' and distance, I will start to appreciate all the things I do get and love about the relationship, and that I will miss H. He is worried that if I go I won't come back.

 

My idea would be to suggest to H that although we would be living apart, it's not an official seperation and its just some time out to figure stuff out. So no seeing other people, and then spend time together each week. Has anyone got experience of trying this?

 

Thanks

[BluesPower]

It was when we were younger and having a bad patch. It worked out but I am not sure that I would do it again.

 

I think that when you are at this of marriage and life that the separation may just kind of be the last nail. But that is just one way it could go.

 

It would make me nervous that the affection/connection/sex part of the marriage is where it is at. For me if it got like that for me again I would start running around again, or more probably just divorce. It is really hard to say.

 

I know that it can get better. My wife and I are teetering on the edge but both working super hard to get to a better place. And while it is rough some days, the wild monkey sex is back in full force and we are both loving it. So there is that possibility.

 

I can't really give a straight answer on this point because I can see it both ways, positive or negative.

 

The fact that you are thinking about it rationally is really good though.

 

I hope others chime in to give you different perspectives on the separation aspect.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Aloneuk]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and really think my H has something called alexithymia.

 

He seems to have all the traits, and I asked him to do the online test and he scored 133 which says high probability of having it.

 

It basically means he cannot describe or express emotions, has little to no empathy, and doesn't understand or feel emotional closeness.

 

I have been trying to explain to him how I don't feel we emotionally connect, and he tells me he doesnt understand. He also has a lot of the traits of a typical alexithymia person; loyal, stoic, honest, hard working, practical, non imaginative. I have been saying for some time that he loves me in his own way and now I finally understand more about it.

 

Relationships with alexithymia people often fail because of the missing emotional connection. I think this is why my interaction with my work colleague was the catalyst for my doubts about our marriage. I had forgotten what it was like to really feel with someone, even if it was a drunken moment..

 

You seem to passionate Blues Power when you post and this is something I have forgotten what it is like to experience....

[BluesPower]

I cannot live without passion. Passion with my wife, when I was off the wagon passion with other women, passion with my music, and even passion with my job.

 

It is the way that I am for some reason, I don't know why. It is not always great sometimes it is a hindrance for me.

 

I guess everything can be a double edged sword. Sometimes my intensity scares people that don know me which is kind of a drag. When the wife and I are on the right track, the passion we have for each other while making love is overwhelming and wonderful.

 

I really hope you can work this out with your husband, I hear your love for him. I have lived with the thought of having to divorce my wife, and it feels horrible.

[Miss Clavel]

hehe, TV differences - similar again to us. He's currently watching soccer on TV and I'll shortly go and sew a new dress or Netflix. Thing is though, he's HERE. He got in from work two hours ago and we shared a pizza and wine, and lots of conversation and now we're doing different things. That said, we do make a concerted effort to find TV shows which we will both enjoy because we both love to snuggle up and share a good TV series. (We thoroughly enjoyed Stranger Things together recently)

 

Anyway, while I experience some of your issues.....the lack of connection with your husband sounds rather awful. Perhaps the smaller things wouldn't be a problem if he was emotionally there for you at most times. Being unavailable for hobbies, time and emotions doesn't make him much of a partner.

 

 

 

Bloodline (TV Series 2015? ) - IMDb

[Miss Clavel]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and really think my H has something called alexithymia.

 

He seems to have all the traits, and I asked him to do the online test and he scored 133 which says high probability of having it.

 

It basically means he cannot describe or express emotions, has little to no empathy, and doesn't understand or feel emotional closeness.

 

I have been trying to explain to him how I don't feel we emotionally connect, and he tells me he doesnt understand. He also has a lot of the traits of a typical alexithymia person; loyal, stoic, honest, hard working, practical, non imaginative. I have been saying for some time that he loves me in his own way and now I finally understand more about it.

 

Relationships with alexithymia people often fail because of the missing emotional connection. I think this is why my interaction with my work colleague was the catalyst for my doubts about our marriage. I had forgotten what it was like to really feel with someone, even if it was a drunken moment..

 

You seem to passionate Blues Power when you post and this is something I have forgotten what it is like to experience....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/590441-20-yrs-my-mild-mannered-husband-he-suddenly-wants-divorce-2.html#post7048210