NikonRN Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 I have known my MM for 24 years. We were both married before and at the end of both of our marriages. We met at work and bonded over our similar upbringings and traumas as children. We also bonded over the fact that we married for "safety" reasons and not love, due to our baggage from childhood. I loved this man wholeheartedly, the only one I have truly loved. He was/is my soulmate...but back then, I was still so screwed up emotionally and never told him nor he me. We managed along, single, not together. I finally said goodbye when his childhood demons and alcoholism got the best of him and with my baggage, I couldn't handle both of us. It wasn't long after that he disappeared, I thought he was dead, he was that gone, both physically and health-wise. After that, I married for "safety" again. Not particularly in love but a good man and good father. I occasionally looked for MM, finding him in another state(yay he was alive) but nothing really came of it. He went on and continued as a drunk for many many years. Even marrying someone 10 years his senior (finding out later she lied about her age), but she was supportive, and let him do whatever he wanted. His words, he "settled". And they have been co-existing/co-dependent for 14 years. 17 years after we last saw each other, he appeared on social media, and I said "Hi" and wished him well. I have been divorced 4 years from the safe man who turned out to have serious anger issues that I couldn't deal with. He told me the situation with his marriage. He told me he has been sober for 5 years (which he is, hugely active in recovery efforts for himself and others in his current home town. The conversations started flowing like they used to only without the alcohol. He also told me that he has loved me forever, knew we belonged together, social stalked me for years to see how I was but had to stay and deal with his decision to marry someone he wasn't in love with but supported him in his bid to get clean and sober. Everything emotion-wise we held in way back when, came out, we shared all the feelings and fought hard to resist, but eventually gave in and initiated the affair. He came home (1100 miles) and spent a week and a half here. His elder family lives here. I've been out there to where he lives for a week. We've shared emotions via text etc. He stated he would die if he ever lost me, we've gone back and forth with NC but the emotions were too great. This week, an elder family member mentioned to the BS that MM didn't stay with them while he was home. He told me he would be out of pocket and he's in a bad spot, didn't know what was going to happen with his situation. Even had me cancel a trip out there in 2 weeks. I read all these stories and half of me wants to believe in him with some of the things he's told me about us, and the emotions. Hell, he remembered stuff from years ago that I barely remembered. Guys dont do that to this detail. The other, non trusting normal me, wants to kick him to the curb again until he picks me. He picked alcohol before and I dont expect him to pick me over the stability he has in his current situation. She controls everything since he is a discharged vet with medical issues. He has mentioned that more than once. I love this man, have only loved him. But the situation and timing always sucks for us. I need to let him go in this situation but I'm dying here. I need to hear voices of reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 It's always the same isn't it? They married for "safety". They're not in love Wife is a nice enough woman...but.... Staying in the marriage for respect an honor Do these sound familiar? They all say that. Hell they all might MEAN it. It they think they mean it. Why? Who knows...maybe it's just easier to reconcile their betrayals in their own mind. There's only one fact you need to know. HE IS MARRIED. Doesn't matter if he's unhappy, doesn't matter if he married for safety. Doesn't matter that he's staying for respect and honor of this kind woman. Doesn't matter that he loves you, social stalked you, that the timing wasn't right, that he's always wanted you No. None of that matters because he is married to someone else. Walk away again. If he truly can't live without you, he will take the time to sort out his marriage and get divorced.before he comes back into your life. It's the only way you will be at peace with it. You've waited 24 years. What's a couple more? If he really means it, he'll do it honestly. Then you'll have your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Question is, if you're not in love why are you marrying? Seems to me the logical thing would not to be married then you can pursue your true love all you like ..no? Seems logical..maybe I'm wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
suzymil62 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 My opinion is that you need to move on and forget about him. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change and that you both might be ‘in love’ with what you think life could be like. There might be a reason that ‘timing’ has always been a problem. Maybe it’s not meant to be. I think you need to listen to yourself when you say you need to let him go. It will be tough, especially if you love him, but he’s married to someone else. There is someone out there that you will love and he will love you back. You just haven’t found him yet. Suzy Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 This week, an elder family member mentioned to the BS that MM didn't stay with them while he was home. He told me he would be out of pocket and he's in a bad spot, didn't know what was going to happen with his situation. Even had me cancel a trip out there in 2 weeks. This should tell you all you need to know. He has no intention of leaving his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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