Emotional affair???

[S2B]

Well... Even IF he hands over his phone - he's likely deleting anything that could point to him cheating - so be ready to find nothing. Are there texts? If you're looking at the phone bill you must also be able to request a copy of all texts on his number.

 

Even if he denies a lie detector test - what's your plan? You have a plan set up to leave him?

 

Same goes for MC. He may not go - what then? What if he agrees but is never honest in the sessions (enough to get to what can be resolved)? So many couples do therapy and one party isn't willing to give info that could make things change. What then?

 

What IF nothing changes? What is the plan?

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes that's for sure! But you are looking to him to change - and that's backwards because you can ONLY change you.

 

When YOU change then that change affects him. What do YOU intend to change about the way you're participating that will initiate changes?

 

Get a plan and stick to it... You are capable of making things different.

 

 

 

You know he's spending time and a lot of energy focusing on other women... Where's your boundary pertaining to that? He may never be capable of doing without ego boosts from other women. It may just be something he needs that he can't get from within the marriage. So what do you plan to do about his character flaw? You want to live with that and pretend all the time he's a loving husband?

 

He sure isn't a husband that's honoring you. He's pretending to - but his other activity proves he's not who he pretends to be.

 

Heck, it's like you don't REALLY know him at all.

 

So I do wonder what's your plan? Because he will likely gas light you and make you feel crazy once you start asking specific questions.

[BluesPower]

The question is, are you prepared to divorce?

 

If he refuses or fails, what will you do?

 

If he does not confess, then he will know you are on to him and go underground.

 

If you do not get to go through his phone when you lay the LD test on him he will delete everything.

 

Think it through.

 

Oh, and yes he is sleeping with one or both of them, don't doubt that for a second.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any other ideas, let me hear 'em.

 

Let's say you've caught him, whatever that means.

 

Once the dust settles, if he's willing to do the work, are you interested in recovering your marriage? In other words, would his infidelit(ies)y be a deal-breaker for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Skip the lie detector. The more you read and study, the more you'll discover how unreliable they are. Even if he fails the test, you'll be left wondering if the test was valid. He'll certainly say it wasn't.

 

Some people do manage to get a "parking lot confession" when they arrive at the testing place. It's frequently just a sample of the truth.

 

If I haven't mentioned it already, what worked for me was a GPS in her car. On the first download of the data, I found she'd been at a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposed to be working. I then visited the hotel and requested a duplicate receipt, which they provided. I saw she earned points for her stay. I went to the hotel website and took a guess at her password. It worked. I discovered a dozen hotel stays going back six months. She later admitted to it being "about 30." I ultimately discovered 60-70 via a variety of hotels. Her affair was with her boss and they left work mid-day for "meetings."

 

I'm not saying that a GPS is a miracle solution. But if he's meeting up with women, you'll likely figure it out.

 

A PI is very hit or miss. You'll pay a few hundred on the off chance that he's doing something during those few hours.

 

If a VAR isn't going to work, I'd try the GPS next. Just my $.02

 

In the meantime, keep looking at what you can via the computer: phone/text records, financials, emails (inbox, sent, deleted, drafts, etc), internet history and search history. Hell, I found a bunch of stuff in my wife's contacts (mostly passwords for hotel websites).

[Dancewithme]

Well, It has been an eventful weekend. I was at my breaking point when I last posted. I was a physical and mental mess,so something had to give. I contacted my counselor, came in for an emergency session to deal with my feelings. I felt so much better afterwards, I decided to confront my husband.

 

I first began the conversation talking about the many times my intuition has never let me down. My intuition thing is well known by him, we've talked about it often throughout our marriage, with many tangible examples. I then told him that my intuition had now been screaming about him. I told him how I was afraid to confront him, afraid of what he would say, so resorted to my own investigation. I lead him to believe I recorded him when I showed him the VAR, showed him the phone records I had. He sat there silently through all of this.

 

I then asked him to talk, and leave nothing out. I then asked for passwords to everything, got all of his devices in hand, and spent HOURS Pouring through texts, emails, after he talked.

 

Long story short: He thanked me for confronting him, he loves me and doesnt want anyone else. He considered them all friends, and professional contacts/mentees that he enjoyed talking with. He realized this was all secretive and excessive, and doesn't know why he why he did this. He emphasized it wasn't intimate, romantic type conversation. The texts and emails back this up.

 

I do get a sense of him having a midlife crisis need to be a Knight in Shining Amour type to these women. I feel if I didn't confront him, would it have eventually gone down a slippery slope into intimate and romantic. He says he is 99% it wouldn't have. He says he doesn't know why he kept all of this secret,why it was so excessive, and only communicated with them when I was not around. He says he knew it was wrong, and knew that I wouldn't approve. I told him it was Emotional Infidelity. He wants counseling to explore why he did this.

 

He feels it was actually personal sabotage on his part, and thanked me for saving him from himself. I had him contact these "friends". He told them he felt he was getting out of hand with his communication with them, and was scaling it back to a job/as needed level. He told the old girlfriend that the time they were spending shooting the breeze was best spent on their own spouses, and to leave the past in the past.

 

So, there we are. He is going to start counseling, and I've laid down some rules for him. I ordered "Not Just a Friends" for him. He finds it very insightful, and helpful. He realizes as a charismatic extrovert, women will be drawn to him, and he will enjoy interactions with others. So, therefore, he must keep boundaries in mind at all times, and govern himself accordingly.

 

I realize this could have been a whole lot worse. I will trust, but will also continue to verify. Hopefully, this is my last post on this side.

[S2B]

Good work!

 

Hope it makes things improve moving forward for both of you!! Keep posting - your experience can help others to have strength and courage to do something to change things!

[Mr. Lucky]

I do get a sense of him having a midlife crisis need to be a Knight in Shining Amour type to these women. I feel if I didn't confront him, would it have eventually gone down a slippery slope into intimate and romantic. He says he is 99% it wouldn't have. He says he doesn't know why he kept all of this secret,why it was so excessive, and only communicated with them when I was not around. He says he knew it was wrong, and knew that I wouldn't approve. I told him it was Emotional Infidelity. He wants counseling to explore why he did this.

 

I think you've got about 80% of the answer, hope counseling leads you to the other 20%. Regular two-hour long conversations with an old GF isn't "shooting the breeze", it's a relationship even if no PA occured. What did he get from these EA's that your marriage couldn't give him?

 

You've given him a chance to emerge as a stronger couple. Hope he uses it wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BuddyX]

Listen, you got the cliff notes version of his story. He's happy you caught him? How convenient. Because if you didn't he was ready to spill his guts any day now ( sarcasm).

 

The biggest lie is "I don't know" second biggest lie "mid life crisis". Your husband is hiding something. He was on the brink of an affair.

[Dancewithme]

Listen, you got the cliff notes version of his story. He's happy you caught him? How convenient. Because if you didn't he was ready to spill his guts any day now ( sarcasm).

 

The biggest lie is "I don't know" second biggest lie "mid life crisis". Your husband is hiding something. He was on the brink of an affair.

 

I don't doubt this. I don't even think he knows he was on the brink, but I think so. Because of the ease with which he allowed all this to happen, it would have been a matter of time before someone's feelings evolved into a more romantic EA or PA. I told him that is the biggest danger with what he's been doing. It was a slippery slope. And I think the unspoken is that he was glad I caught him, because it could have gone further. Even though he denies this.

 

"Mid life crisis" was my phrase, based on how this appears to me. He is a position of authority, highly regarded professionally, is a highly sought-out mentor, and advisor, and people think highly of him. These women were all seeking advise, and it evolved from there. He has a lot to lose with stupid behavior, and he knows it.

 

We've had a good relationship, and he verified he felt nothing was lacking. He said he's as in love with me as ever before, but didn't know why he allowed this to happen. That's why I was so confused, as he seems to be as well. I am aware this is all on him, and what he's dealing with inside. I think most people in affairs don't go looking for them, they just find themselves there because of whatever weakness they have.

 

This has been a wake-up call, and going forward, I am always going to keep one eye open. Hence, the trust, but verify comment. And I will continue to listen to my gut. It hasn't failed me yet, so I will continue to listen to it. Right now, it feels quiet and calm. I'm hoping that lasts.

[BuddyX]

"I don't know" is not a valid answer. He would jeopardize his entire family over a "I don't know"? Really?

 

And as far as affairs. They don't "just happen". Think about it, your husband kept responding to text messages and calling the OM, he's an active participant.

 

This might seem harsh, but you have to get to the bottom of this. Couple question you need to ask yourself; Am I a good wife? Do I still stir his fire in our marriage?

 

I know a guy who gave the same responses as your husband, when finally pressed, his response was "My wife nags. She also gained weight and I'm not attracted to her."

 

Not saying that's you. But I'm saying your hubby got off easy. Something doesn't add up.

[Mr. Lucky]

We've had a good relationship, and he verified he felt nothing was lacking.

 

You know that, at least for him, this can't be true - right?

 

He risked everything to pursue these relationships, these can't all be women looking for "mentoring". Ethical advice and counsel is given out in the open, not in secret when your spouse is looking the other way. I hope you see the irony of someone privileged to mentor do so in the context of an EA.

 

Right now you've got a weed in the garden. You can either cut it off at the soil line and hope for the best or do the work to pull it out, root and all.

 

You don't do him, yourself or your marriage any favors by letting him spin this away...

 

Mr. Lucky