Emotional affair???

[Dancewithme]

Well, It has been an eventful weekend. I was at my breaking point when I last posted. I was a physical and mental mess,so something had to give. I contacted my counselor, came in for an emergency session to deal with my feelings. I felt so much better afterwards, I decided to confront my husband.

 

I first began the conversation talking about the many times my intuition has never let me down. My intuition thing is well known by him, we've talked about it often throughout our marriage, with many tangible examples. I then told him that my intuition had now been screaming about him. I told him how I was afraid to confront him, afraid of what he would say, so resorted to my own investigation. I lead him to believe I recorded him when I showed him the VAR, showed him the phone records I had. He sat there silently through all of this.

 

I then asked him to talk, and leave nothing out. I then asked for passwords to everything, got all of his devices in hand, and spent HOURS Pouring through texts, emails, after he talked.

 

Long story short: He thanked me for confronting him, he loves me and doesnt want anyone else. He considered them all friends, and professional contacts/mentees that he enjoyed talking with. He realized this was all secretive and excessive, and doesn't know why he why he did this. He emphasized it wasn't intimate, romantic type conversation. The texts and emails back this up.

 

I do get a sense of him having a midlife crisis need to be a Knight in Shining Amour type to these women. I feel if I didn't confront him, would it have eventually gone down a slippery slope into intimate and romantic. He says he is 99% it wouldn't have. He says he doesn't know why he kept all of this secret,why it was so excessive, and only communicated with them when I was not around. He says he knew it was wrong, and knew that I wouldn't approve. I told him it was Emotional Infidelity. He wants counseling to explore why he did this.

 

He feels it was actually personal sabotage on his part, and thanked me for saving him from himself. I had him contact these "friends". He told them he felt he was getting out of hand with his communication with them, and was scaling it back to a job/as needed level. He told the old girlfriend that the time they were spending shooting the breeze was best spent on their own spouses, and to leave the past in the past.

 

So, there we are. He is going to start counseling, and I've laid down some rules for him. I ordered "Not Just a Friends" for him. He finds it very insightful, and helpful. He realizes as a charismatic extrovert, women will be drawn to him, and he will enjoy interactions with others. So, therefore, he must keep boundaries in mind at all times, and govern himself accordingly.

 

I realize this could have been a whole lot worse. I will trust, but will also continue to verify. Hopefully, this is my last post on this side.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do get a sense of him having a midlife crisis need to be a Knight in Shining Amour type to these women. I feel if I didn't confront him, would it have eventually gone down a slippery slope into intimate and romantic. He says he is 99% it wouldn't have. He says he doesn't know why he kept all of this secret,why it was so excessive, and only communicated with them when I was not around. He says he knew it was wrong, and knew that I wouldn't approve. I told him it was Emotional Infidelity. He wants counseling to explore why he did this.

 

I think you've got about 80% of the answer, hope counseling leads you to the other 20%. Regular two-hour long conversations with an old GF isn't "shooting the breeze", it's a relationship even if no PA occured. What did he get from these EA's that your marriage couldn't give him?

 

You've given him a chance to emerge as a stronger couple. Hope he uses it wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BuddyX]

Listen, you got the cliff notes version of his story. He's happy you caught him? How convenient. Because if you didn't he was ready to spill his guts any day now ( sarcasm).

 

The biggest lie is "I don't know" second biggest lie "mid life crisis". Your husband is hiding something. He was on the brink of an affair.

[Dancewithme]

Listen, you got the cliff notes version of his story. He's happy you caught him? How convenient. Because if you didn't he was ready to spill his guts any day now ( sarcasm).

 

The biggest lie is "I don't know" second biggest lie "mid life crisis". Your husband is hiding something. He was on the brink of an affair.

 

I don't doubt this. I don't even think he knows he was on the brink, but I think so. Because of the ease with which he allowed all this to happen, it would have been a matter of time before someone's feelings evolved into a more romantic EA or PA. I told him that is the biggest danger with what he's been doing. It was a slippery slope. And I think the unspoken is that he was glad I caught him, because it could have gone further. Even though he denies this.

 

"Mid life crisis" was my phrase, based on how this appears to me. He is a position of authority, highly regarded professionally, is a highly sought-out mentor, and advisor, and people think highly of him. These women were all seeking advise, and it evolved from there. He has a lot to lose with stupid behavior, and he knows it.

 

We've had a good relationship, and he verified he felt nothing was lacking. He said he's as in love with me as ever before, but didn't know why he allowed this to happen. That's why I was so confused, as he seems to be as well. I am aware this is all on him, and what he's dealing with inside. I think most people in affairs don't go looking for them, they just find themselves there because of whatever weakness they have.

 

This has been a wake-up call, and going forward, I am always going to keep one eye open. Hence, the trust, but verify comment. And I will continue to listen to my gut. It hasn't failed me yet, so I will continue to listen to it. Right now, it feels quiet and calm. I'm hoping that lasts.

[BuddyX]

"I don't know" is not a valid answer. He would jeopardize his entire family over a "I don't know"? Really?

 

And as far as affairs. They don't "just happen". Think about it, your husband kept responding to text messages and calling the OM, he's an active participant.

 

This might seem harsh, but you have to get to the bottom of this. Couple question you need to ask yourself; Am I a good wife? Do I still stir his fire in our marriage?

 

I know a guy who gave the same responses as your husband, when finally pressed, his response was "My wife nags. She also gained weight and I'm not attracted to her."

 

Not saying that's you. But I'm saying your hubby got off easy. Something doesn't add up.

[Mr. Lucky]

We've had a good relationship, and he verified he felt nothing was lacking.

 

You know that, at least for him, this can't be true - right?

 

He risked everything to pursue these relationships, these can't all be women looking for "mentoring". Ethical advice and counsel is given out in the open, not in secret when your spouse is looking the other way. I hope you see the irony of someone privileged to mentor do so in the context of an EA.

 

Right now you've got a weed in the garden. You can either cut it off at the soil line and hope for the best or do the work to pull it out, root and all.

 

You don't do him, yourself or your marriage any favors by letting him spin this away...

 

Mr. Lucky