I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Ws2016]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this! But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

[goodyblue]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this! But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

 

No matter what you did he does not have the right to verbally abuse you and you certainly don't have to take it. I'd leave,give yourselves a break, think about things and see if going forward is even a viable option.

[Ws2016]

No matter what you did he does not have the right to verbally abuse you and you certainly don't have to take it. I'd leave,give yourselves a break, think about things and see if going forward is even a viable option.

 

 

He has calmed down with the verbal stuff after I told him I wouldn't take it. We have kids and moving out would be really hard. I just don't know what else I can do. The person called me and after a while and I told him it was absolutely over, blocked his number and called H immediately and told him everything and he still thought I was leaving things out ect... I can't ever get upset over the questions (which I told him I understand the questions and invite them and will answer everything honestly) but when I am told I am lying even after that it can get frustrating and he tells me I have no right to get frustrated.

[Bialy]

Trust is an extremely hard thing to re-establish in a relationship --- any relationship.

 

If you have been 101% honest with him since the affair and have been transparent, there's not much else you can do on your end.

 

I'm really sorry - I can only imagine how hard it is to be totally honest and be questioned or called a liar.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Bialy

[ladydesigner]

No it is not right he is being verbally abusive, although I have to admit during some of my darkest moments of a BS I became verbally abusive at times. Your BS really should find a therapist to talk to rather than take out on you.

 

You sound remorseful, willing to put in the work and admit your infidelity being wrong is a good start, but your BS needs therapy asap for his anger. The anger is normal, but there is a fine line there.

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity with a remorseful spouse. It sounds like your BS is having troubles coping and the A may have been a dealbreaker for him, there is always that.

 

A few great books for waywards to read is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends."

 

Wishing you the best!

[Ws2016]

Trust is an extremely hard thing to re-establish in a relationship --- any relationship.

 

If you have been 101% honest with him since the affair and have been transparent, there's not much else you can do on your end.

 

I'm really sorry - I can only imagine how hard it is to be totally honest and be questioned or called a liar.

 

 

I don't know if he even wants to work on the relationship. He says he sees absolutely no way he could ever be with me but constantly wants to talk about it, say mean things, ask detailed questions ect.. Which I could understand if he wanted to stay but why is he doing this if in the end he doesn't want to be with me anymore anyway? I am trying SO HARD! It was a one time thing that lasted for not even a week before I came clean and told him everything. I deeply feel remorse and hate what I did. I don't know how else to show him. I wouldn't expect him to jusg get over it but we haven't moved in any direction in 2 months.

[Ws2016]

No it is not right he is being verbally abusive, although I have to admit during some of my darkest moments of a BS I became verbally abusive at times. Your BS really should find a therapist to talk to rather than take out on you.

 

You sound remorseful, willing to put in the work and admit your infidelity being wrong is a good start, but your BS needs therapy asap for his anger. The anger is normal, but there is a fine line there.

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity with a remorseful spouse. It sounds like your BS is having troubles coping and the A may have been a dealbreaker for him, there is always that.

 

A few great books for waywards to read is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends."

 

Wishing you the best!

 

Thank you. I read "how to heal your spouse" I will get the other too.

[ChickiePops]

Define verbal abuse.

 

 

Also..2 months is not a long time at all.

[DKT3]

Two months is still really early.

 

As far as the verbal abuse, if it's not who he was before then you need to take it for what it is, a manifestation of his pain. Those that have never experienced this level of betrayal will never understand. I never called my wife names, but at times I thought she were many of them.

 

You need to accept that your word carry no value with him. Understanding this will reduce your frustration levels.

 

You ask what can you do? Be consistent in your actions, accept that trust is a long ways off. As long as he is there you have an opportunity to work on it. If your actions stay consistent, you will start to see trust building.

 

Also this isn't the time to work on other marriage issues. Veiw them as a broken leg while the doctor is working on a serve head wound. First thing first, that is finding out if the marriage is strong enough to ever worry about the other issues.

[Ws2016]

Two months is still really early.

 

As far as the verbal abuse, if it's not who he was before then you need to take it for what it is, a manifestation of his pain. Those that have never experienced this level of betrayal will never understand. I never called my wife names, but at times I thought she were many of them.

 

You need to accept that your word carry no value with him. Understanding this will reduce your frustration levels.

 

You ask what can you do? Be consistent in your actions, accept that trust is a long ways off. As long as he is there you have an opportunity to work on it. If your actions stay consistent, you will start to see trust building.

 

Also this isn't the time to work on other marriage issues. Veiw them as a broken leg while the doctor is working on a serve head wound. First thing first, that is finding out if the marriage is strong enough to ever worry about the other issues.

 

That's great advice. Thank you!

[GorillaTheater]

I'm not excusing any verbal abuse, and all situations involving infidelity are extremely tough to deal with, but some fact situations are tougher than others. It's up to you of course as to what you're willing to divulge, but I wonder if certain factors (length of the affair, the amount of deceit involved, whether he knew the guy, whether this was your first time, etc.) may be playing a role.

[harrybrown]

Sometimes it helps to put yourself in his shoes.

 

Imagine that he had an A. He did what you did.

 

would it make you angry? What would you do and what would you have him do to help you heal?

 

Good on answering his questions and keep up the good work about staying away from the OM.

 

Then when you see what you would want from him, give that to him.

 

One thing he would like, but may not mention it, is giving him back your respect. actions speak louder now, so try to show him that you do respect him.

 

and if you can find a good counselor, go yourself, even if he will not go with you. also give him results from std tests and dna your kids. be proactive in trying to get his mind down from the shock.

 

 

 

If you know the why of your A, then write down the reasons why, write a timeline of the A and give that to him.

 

hope things will calm down for your kids.

 

Good luck to your family.

Edited September 7, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[Satu]

Reconciliation isn't always possible.

 

Some people just can't get over a betrayal.

 

At 2 months, you're still in the immediate crisis phase. For real healing, you're looking at years of consistent effort.

 

All you can do is take it day by day.

 

 

Take care.

[Ws2016]

I'm not excusing any verbal abuse, and all situations involving infidelity are extremely tough to deal with, but some fact situations are tougher than others. It's up to you of course as to what you're willing to divulge, but I wonder if certain factors (length of the affair, the amount of deceit involved, whether he knew the guy, whether this was your first time, etc.) may be playing a role.

 

First and only time. Started as friendship/texts. Ending in a one time physical affair. I felt so sick for doing it I told him right away. It was a friend that I have done volunteer work with since Feb. There was nothing but friendship until this happened. The entire crossing the line into an emotional then one time physical affair lasted a week. I was very upset one day after H told me he couldn't do marriage therapy anymore because "it was too hard with his work schedule" I had told him we needed therapy or I couldn't be in the marriage anymore. He went once and said that it was conflicting to much with his schedule. I felt totally hopeless and felt like he could care less about our marriage. The OM has been interested in me all along but I NEVER did one thing to ever make him think there was ever a chance. Once I confided in him, things went very fast. We had a friendship already and he told me everything I wanted to head from my husband but never heard. I let myself get inappropriately involved with him after that. Like I said, after the one physical event. I was sick to my stomach and cNd clean about everything and no, I do not volunteer there anymore. My husband only met him once when he picked me up when my car was getting fixed.

[GorillaTheater]

First and only time. Started as friendship/texts. Ending in a one time physical affair. I felt so sick for doing it I told him right away. It was a friend that I have done volunteer work with since Feb. There was nothing but friendship until this happened. The entire crossing the line into an emotional then one time physical affair lasted a week. I was very upset one day after H told me he couldn't do marriage therapy anymore because "it was too hard with his work schedule" I had told him we needed therapy or I couldn't be in the marriage anymore. He went once and said that it was conflicting to much with his schedule. I felt totally hopeless and felt like he could care less about our marriage. The OM has been interested in me all along but I NEVER did one thing to ever make him think there was ever a chance. Once I confided in him, things went very fast. We had a friendship already and he told me everything I wanted to head from my husband but never heard. I let myself get inappropriately involved with him after that. Like I said, after the one physical event. I was sick to my stomach and cNd clean about everything and no, I do not volunteer there anymore. My husband only met him once when he picked me up when my car was getting fixed.

 

 

Not to minimize your side of things, but we've all seen far worse scenarios. And kudos for coming clean of your own accord from the outset.

 

 

How does your H feel about counseling now?

[Ws2016]

Not to minimize your side of things, but we've all seen far worse scenarios. And kudos for coming clean of your own accord from the outset.

 

 

How does your H feel about counseling now?

 

He is going now. Which makes me happy but also upset because somehow he found the time to go now that he is the one trying to heal. Of course, that is nothing compared to what we are going through after what I did so I just let it go for now. Someday if we can figure this mess out I will bring that up but now is not the time!

[Ws2016]

He is going now alone. Which makes me happy but also upset because somehow he found the time to go now that he is the one trying to heal. Of course, that is nothing compared to what we are going through after what I did so I just let it go for now. Someday if we can figure this mess out I will bring that up but now is not the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know if he even wants to work on the relationship.

 

His intentions aside, I'm trying to understand why you'd want to stay in the marriage? The only mentions you've make about your feelings for him have all been negative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChickiePops]

You do sound truly repentant and I wish you the best of luck, but I would advise you to prepare yourself to deal with the fallout either way.

 

I also have to agree with Mr. Lucky. It doesn't actually sound like your marriage was that great before your affair...are you sure there's something worth salvaging here?

[ladydesigner]

First and only time. Started as friendship/texts. Ending in a one time physical affair. I felt so sick for doing it I told him right away. It was a friend that I have done volunteer work with since Feb. There was nothing but friendship until this happened. The entire crossing the line into an emotional then one time physical affair lasted a week. I was very upset one day after H told me he couldn't do marriage therapy anymore because "it was too hard with his work schedule" I had told him we needed therapy or I couldn't be in the marriage anymore. He went once and said that it was conflicting to much with his schedule. I felt totally hopeless and felt like he could care less about our marriage. The OM has been interested in me all along but I NEVER did one thing to ever make him think there was ever a chance. Once I confided in him, things went very fast. We had a friendship already and he told me everything I wanted to head from my husband but never heard. I let myself get inappropriately involved with him after that. Like I said, after the one physical event. I was sick to my stomach and cNd clean about everything and no, I do not volunteer there anymore. My husband only met him once when he picked me up when my car was getting fixed.

 

If you read "Not Just Friends" By Shirley Glass this whole dynamic you experienced with your xOM is described in this book! Get it and read it

[ladydesigner]

He is going now alone. Which makes me happy but also upset because somehow he found the time to go now that he is the one trying to heal. Of course, that is nothing compared to what we are going through after what I did so I just let it go for now. Someday if we can figure this mess out I will bring that up but now is not the time.

 

So he is seeing an IC (individual counselor)? That is good! Are you seeing your own IC?

[dichotomy]

Agree with some here - two months is nothing. It might as well have been 2 hours ago.

 

Depending on the nature of the cheating it could take 2 years to calm down and begin to reconnect. Can you handle years of different levels of emotions, anger, fear, mistrust, triggers from him - to get your marriage back to something new?

 

But I applaud your efforts and honesty so far.

[Ws2016]

So he is seeing an IC (individual counselor)? That is good! Are you seeing your own IC?

 

 

Yes! Absolutely!! We are seeing our marriage therapist but individually right now. I see her sometimes twice a week.

[Ws2016]

You do sound truly repentant and I wish you the best of luck, but I would advise you to prepare yourself to deal with the fallout either way.

 

I also have to agree with Mr. Lucky. It doesn't actually sound like your marriage was that great before your affair...are you sure there's something worth salvaging here?

 

We both agreed that if this was to work that our marriage before this and during this time is dead and we would have to totally start over. In the beginning it was absolutely amazing!! I have never been more comfortable and in love in my life. He felt the same. Somewhere along thevline things went terribly bad. I have hope we can get back to that place with A LOT of work. I don't want to be in the marriage if we just forget this happened and go back to the way it was because that turned me into a person I do not like. Hope that makes sense. Yes, I have told him this and he totally agrees.

[Ws2016]

Agree with some here - two months is nothing. It might as well have been 2 hours ago.

 

Depending on the nature of the cheating it could take 2 years to calm down and begin to reconnect. Can you handle years of different levels of emotions, anger, fear, mistrust, triggers from him - to get your marriage back to something new?

 

But I applaud your efforts and honesty so far.

 

 

Without a doubt! That's what I want, to totally start over. I need to be respectful of what HE wants though and I will agree to whatever he chooses. I am not going to stop trying though. I've got done great advice so far!